A/N: Hai peoples! I wrote this story because of reasons, and I'm not even sure if it's the right rating. This fic is loosely inspired by Dipper Goes to Taco Bell, but I'm not sure who the original author of that story is. You can find the fic in other places, but you'll probably try gouging your eyes out if you read/listen to it. Also this story contains poop jokes and ooc, so just be aware of that.
Disclaimer: I do not own RWBY, or anything else for that matter.
"So anyway," said Ruby, "I just figured I'd tell you that I'm going to go to the Taco Bell that's located randomly in the middle of the Emerald forest cause I've got this weird craving for Mexican food right now."
"Okay…"
"And I wanted to tell you just so you'd know where I'm going to be for the next couple of hours, so there's no need to worry about me!"
"Just one question."
"Okay, what's that?"
"How in the world did you break into our main headquarters?" exclaimed Adam.
Although they weren't there a minute before, several White Fang goons were now surrounding Ruby, many of which she had knocked out only a minute before.
"Okay, gotta go! Bye!" And with that statement, Ruby made her grand escape.
With the White Fang's armored truck hot on her tail, Ruby swerved through the streets of Vale on the motorcycle she had stolen from her older sister. Considering she had never driven a motorcycle in her life before, or the fact she had no knowledge of Vale's traffic safety laws, she was doing surprisingly well for a first-time driver. She had only run into five pedestrians this afternoon, and she had caused only one major car crash, resulting in only two fatalities. Aside from the front end being bent in when Ruby drove Yang's vehicle off Beacon's cliffs and a few scratches here and there, the motorcycle was holding up pretty well, even if it was puttering black smoke out the back end.
"Get back here you!"
As Ruby made her way back to the academy, she couldn't help but contemplate the meaning of her own existence in life. Why are we here? Are we just insignificant specks in the endless vastness of space? Do those specks taste like cookies? Are we made out of cookies? Life is full of endless mysteries.
Soon, Ruby was driving straight up Beacon's cliffs, trying to dodge the incoming bullets from the White Fang goons. She couldn't remember why she had visited Adam Taurus in the first place, but she figured she needed someone to talk to, even though her teammates literally lived in the same room as her.
Because of the motorcycle's superior traction, Ruby was able to leave the White Fang's armored truck in the dust. She then circled around the Beacon campus, until she found herself right before the cliffs where she had once had her entrance examination.
Once there, she backed up the bike just a few yards away.
-VROOM!-VROOM!-
"I'm going to have me some authentic Mexican cuisine tonight! AWWW YEAAAAAAH!"
Right then and there, Ruby donned the sunglasses she had borrowed from her sister without her permission, and sped Yang's precious Bumblebee straight off the cliff.
"This is the greatest thing ever!"
Mid-flight, Ruby back-flipped off Yang's motorcycle and brought out her Crescent Rose. As she shifted her weapon into its rifle form, she watched Bumblebee descend to the ground, keeping her sights trained on it.
-KABOOM!-
The explosion that came from the combusted dust within Yang's motorcycle shot Ruby back into the sky with far more force than could be achieved by her own weapon.
"EXPLOSIONS!" Ruby could only shout in excitement as she spun through the air. Though much of the surrounding area had been blurred by her rotational speed, she could vaguely make out the fire that was now spreading throughout the forest, along with the panicked cries of nearby Grimm.
Of course, when the crimsonette got close to the ground, she was able to quickly adjust her own rotational inertia and speed with a few choice bursts from her signature scythe. After she adjusted her trajectory and took out a few nearby Grimm, she landed on a smooth boulder jutting out of the landscape with elegant grace.
"That was awesome! I gotta ask my sister to buy some more of those motorcycles so I can do that again and again! Now, where is that place?"
To her surprise, her destination was just a few hundred feet or so ahead, complete with a lit-up sign and an empty parking lot. In fact, it didn't look like there was anyone inside, but that just meant there would be more greasy fast food for her.
"Wow, I can't believe I got here so quickly! Gee, I sure can't wait to have some authentic Mexican food. Even though its right in the middle of the woods and doesn't have any people in it, this place seems like a totally safe and legitimate establishment. It's not like this place is run by crazy people who want to kill me and grind my guts into taco meat."
Ruby stepped on straight inside, where she saw what was clearly a cardboard cutout of Professor Peter Port behind the counter.
"Professor Port, I didn't know you worked here."
A hand with googly eyes and a mustache glued on sprouted out of Professor Port's left shoulder. "Oh, hey there Ruby!" said a voice in a high falsetto. "It's me, Professor Peter Port! I'm definitely not a crazy psychopath who wants to murder you in your sleep and grind your bones into taco meat. No, definitely not! Anyway, welcome to Taco Bell! May I take your order?"
"Well, strange talking hand that I don't recognize, you don't sound like my teacher, but I can tell that you're a trustworthy individual. Hmm… Let's see… What do I want to order?" She took a look at the menu hanging overhead. "The Cheesy Double Beef Burrito looks good. It's even made with real, authentic human flesh. I'll have one of those, Professor!"
"Excellent! Muahahahahaha!" The talking hand reeled back. Two more hands sprouted out from behind the cutout and began typing on the cash register nearby.
"That laughter totally didn't sound suspicious at all!"
"Okay, that'll be seventeen dollars and ninety-five cents."
"That sounds like a total steal! I'll take it!" Ruby whipped out twenty bucks and paid for her significantly overpriced food. After one of the hands retrieved the money, they retreated behind the cutout of Peter Port before acquiring the necessary change along with a burrito that had been sitting in a cabinet behind the counter.
After receiving her food, Ruby said, "Wow, Professor Port! That sure was fast! I guess that's why they call it fast food!"
The girl took her weeks-old burrito and sat over in one of the booths. As she opened up the wrapping, she couldn't help but notice a few eyeballs looking back at her. "Wow, this really is authentic Mexican food!" She quickly gobbled the whole thing down like she was eating from a fresh plate of chocolate chip cookies.
And then her stomach began to rumble, and she felt like she had to go poo. "Oh noes!" said Ruby. "I has the diarrhea and now I have to go to the bathroom!"
Ruby zipped over to the entrance to the girl's bathroom and burst it down using her gun-scythe. The inside of the restroom was surprisingly clean and sparkling, as if it had been cleaned only seconds ago, and the air smelled like fresh roses.
"Wow! They must clean this place every day to keep out the stench of the dead bodies."
The crimsonette leisurely passed by the row of urinals to her left and stepped into one of the open stalls. The stall's interior was clean as well, aside from the obscene, pen-marked graffiti that lined the teal-green walls. It was so clean that the managers didn't even bother to provide seat covers, because that was how clean the toilet seat was.
"Even the poop here smells like roses!" Ruby remarked as she pushed a button to flush down the red-streaked turd still sitting in the toilet. There wasn't anything inherently arousing or alluring about the scent; Ruby Rose certainly wasn't one of those degenerate, depraved individuals who gave in to acts of indecency whenever they smelled their own doo-doo.
After turning around to lock the door, she finally sat down, feeling a few trickles of water that had jumped onto the seat during the flush.
Now, Ruby tried her hardest to expel her own poop. She tried and she tried, breathing in and out as she tightened her stomach to let the poop out. But it just wouldn't come out. The poop was stuck inside her.
"Help! My poop is stuck! I feel like I have to go to the bathroom but my poop won't come out because I have diarrhea!" exclaimed Ruby.
Her stomach growled and rumbled. With every few seconds that passed, the girl let out another wet, burrito fart, whose strawberry scent lingered through the air. Maybe if she hadn't eaten that burrito which had been made with raw human flesh, she wouldn't be having diarrhea right now.
But what could she do now? She couldn't bear another minute as she quivered in diarrhea-induced constipation.
So Ruby did the only thing she could do.
She prayed to Shrek.
Clasping her hands tight and close, Ruby began praying to that muscular, green ogre so he could help her get the poopies out. She prayed harder and harder, hoping that Shrek would come and save her.
Even though Ruby was asexual, Ruby loved Shrek from the very bottom of her heart. Every morning when she woke up, she would think about Shrek and start praying to him whenever Weiss was acting all tsundere with her. She often thought about how smooth and delicate Shrek's pinkie-toes were, and how she wanted to nibble them all up. One day when she got older, Ruby would buy a gallon full of Shrek's world-famous onion juice and drink it all up, because that was how much Ruby was in love with Shrek.
As the scythe-wielder heaved and hurled in her seat, she continued to pray, bearing through the pain of the poop stuck inside her. And then, everything just washed away. In a moment of release, Ruby felt Shrek's divine grace blow over her, and a heavenly light glowed throughout the bathroom stalls.
But then, Ruby realized that something was amiss. "Oh no!"
Ruby had forgotten to pull down her stockings and underwear while she was going to the bathroom, so now her wet poop was sticking to the inside of her pajama-pants.
"What do I do? What do I do?"
In a panic, Ruby ran around and around in the stall. There was no more toilet paper left in the dispenser, and the girl didn't want to go out in public in case someone tried to take a whiff of her doo-doo. Even through her own panicked screams, she could also hear the faint humming of orchestral strings deep through the floor, meaning there were rich people nearby. She especially didn't want to go out of the stall now that she knew there was a fancy dinner party outside. Not even Pooh-bear could see her like this.
Ruby sat back down on the seat and began to cry. "This is hopeless! I can't go back to Beacon like this!"
But then, Ruby had an idea.
The girl stood back up, lowered her trousers and pants, and scooped up some of the liquid poo with her right hand before dumping it into the toilet. "I'm a genius!"
Scoop by scoop, Ruby began dumping the poop back into the toilet. Although she wouldn't fully be able to get rid of the stench, this would significantly reduce the stench's potency, allowing her enough time to get some toilet paper and wash her clothes.
But just as she got midway through cleaning herself, Ruby felt a hand grab hold of her arm as she reached her hand over the toilet.
"Hello there, young lady! Would you like some help with that?"
"SOMEBODY HELP! THE EVIL MONSTER HAS COME TO KILL ME!"
Ruby's cries rang throughout the restaurant's interior, but none of her friends would come to rescue her. The killer had taken significant precaution and effort to ensure that the walls of the authentic Mexican fast food restaurant were soundproof, so that no one would hear the young girl's screams. Such events and tragedies are unfortunately common when one wanders too far in the dark depths of the Emerald Forest. Let us hope that no one else will be so foolhardy as Ruby lest someone else fall prey to the killer's foul, twisted designs.
