Disclaimer: I don't own. Trust me, if I did, there'd be a whole lot more making out and a whole lot less paralysis-business. ITV owns.

Quick notes: This is shameless self-therapy, because the reality depresses me. Basically, what I've done is answered the question "What if Jackson's operation worked?" and played with that a little. It may follow some of the plot points ITV gives us in the coming weeks, but only if I think it fits with the basic ideas I've already got for this fic. Also, there will probably be some overlap with other storylines, but not much more so than on the show itself. Since I don't actually follow these storylines and only read spoilers, said other storylines will probably get messed up timelinewise. Consider yourselves warned!


November 11, 2010

~Hands are the heart's landscape~

Jackson hates waking up. He's always hated it, and he hates it even more now that he wakes up and can't rub the sleep from his eyes or stretch his arms or wrap his blankets (or Aaron, depending on what's closest) tighter around himself to ward off the cold. As such, it always takes him a while to wake up fully. He'll stumble around aimlessly for a while, useless to the world, or, now, stare at the hospital ceiling and blink until the world around him starts making more sense again.

That's probably why, when he wakes up after his operation, even more groggy and fuzzy than usual, because of the pain medication and the general anesthetic still in his system, it takes him a couple of moments to register that something's tickling his arm.

He thinks, at first, that maybe it's his imagination playing tricks on him, but then he glances down at the offending spot, and, there's no mistaking it. That's Aaron's hand on his forearm, and Aaron's thumb stroking the hairs right where Jackson can feel the tickle. It's not much—barely there, really, and he can't feel the rest of Aaron's hand, but he still spends a few long minutes staring at it. He can't believe it, and, he realizes, he doesn't even have to believe it, because he can just feel it instead.

"I can feel it," he breathes. He doesn't think any of them had even noticed him waking up, too busy asking his doctor all sorts of questions, but at the sound of his voice, his mum, dad and Aaron all turn their heads to look at him. Aaron does it quickly, head snapping around and eyes locking on Jackson's face, wide and surprised, and Jackson's too busy staring back at him to notice how much time it takes his parents to get over to his side. "Your thumb. It tickles."

A lot of things happen at once. His mum is talking a million miles an hour, and his dad is asking questions, and the doctor's asking even more questions, and then there's Aaron. Much in his usual style, he doesn't say a word, but the grin on his face could quite possibly power entire cities. Or maybe Jackson's just biased. It doesn't matter, because amidst all the chaotic happiness that his announcement caused, it's Aaron's unwavering smile and his thumb that keeps stroking Jackson's arm that calms his racing heart. No one asks him to move anything, but Jackson doesn't think he could. He's still tired, and the warmth that's spreading through his body is doing nothing to keep him awake.

Aaron takes his hand, and he can feel the familiar calluses against his fingertips. He falls asleep.


"You what?" Paddy feels like his heart is about to burst open. He's clutching his phone tightly in his hand, pressed against his ear, deathly afraid that he heard something wrong. He doesn't think his heart could take that. He has to hear it, one more time, to be sure.

"He felt my hand, Paddy, he could feel me," Aaron repeats. Paddy's pretty sure he's crying. He can hear it in the way his voice is choked up, but he's also pretty sure that Aaron's grinning. "The doctor said that—well, they don't know anything for sure yet, of course, but they said it's a really good sign. They think he might even walk again!" Paddy can't remember a time when Aaron's sounded this happy and relieved. The only thing that even comes close were those first couple of days after he and Jackson first got together, when the smile had seemed permanently stuck to his face. Paddy wonders if Jackson knows how much he means to Aaron, and then he wonders if Aaron knows.

It makes his head hurt, and he decides to focus on Aaron's happy chatter instead. "That's great news!" he enthuses. Behind him, Pearl instantly perks up, and Rhona sticks her head in through the surgery door. He waves his hand at them, not entirely sure what he's trying to communicate by it. "How's he doing, then?"

"He's asleep now," Aaron replies, and there's shuffling and some murmuring. Paddy recognizes Adam's voice in the background, and Aaron says something that sounds a lot like, "No, it's not, you git," but he decides not to ask. His tone is cheerful and Paddy counts that as a win. Then Aaron says, "They're going to do some tests on him when he wakes up. Until then, we can't really know anything, but." And Paddy can hear it in his voice, the reluctance to truly believe it yet, and the overwhelming urge to just give in to the happiness that must be surging through Aaron's chest. It's surging through Paddy's, and he's not dating Jackson.

Which, that thought actually disturbs him a little, so he shakes himself and tells Aaron to keep him updated. He knows Aaron would much rather be goofing off with Adam or keeping an eye on Jackson than talk on the phone to him, and Paddy does have a job to do. He puts his phone down on the table and looks at Pearl, first, and then Rhona. Peal looks absolutely chuffed, and Paddy remembers clearly her affection for Jackson, which is another thought that disturbs him a little if he thinks too much about it, so he looks at Rhona, and she looks happy, but guarded like she's afraid to believe it. "It seems," he says, choosing his words carefully, "that Jackson's regained some sensation in his arms." At their looks, he continues, "He's still out of it, so they haven't been able to do any tests, but apparently he felt Aaron's hand on his arm, and they're saying it's a good sign, so."

Pearl claps her hands together. "Wonderful news," she says. She says it like she might say that the weather was nice or the tea was delicious. Like it's just another thing. Paddy can't really decide if he finds it reassuring or confusing. Rhona looks like she's thinking something along the same lines, and Paddy feels a surge of affection for her that he quenches, viciously. Sometimes, he really wishes he weren't such a good person. Or that Marlon wasn't such a good friend. Either would work.


Without exaggerating, Hazel's sure these past couple of weeks have been the longest, most excruciating weeks of her life. The fear of not knowing if Jackson would even survive, and then the waiting to see if he would ever wake up, and then the horror when she found out that he couldn't move. She feels like it's just been bad news upon bad news upon bad news. She was fully prepared for another round of them, had steeled herself and told herself that even if Jackson was never going to move again, well, they'd work through it. It would be all right. She can't accurately describe the emotion that ran through her when Jackson said he felt Aaron's hand. Relief, yes, and happiness, of course. But those are just words. Meaningless, useless words that don't measure up to the emotion coursing through her veins. Not by a long shot.

Next to her, Jerry is reading the paper. His foot is bouncing up and down, impatiently, and Hazel regrets having a go at him for reading earlier. It's obviously how he copes with waiting, no matter what the situation. It's funny, she thinks, how those kinds of details about him escape her, even after they were married twenty years. And, she thinks, if there's one good thing come out of this whole mess, it would be that Jerry is back in his son's life. Hazel doesn't know if Jerry's fully accepted Jackson's sexuality, but he doesn't seem to think it matters in the grand scale of things. Not right now. And that, she thinks, is definite progress.

"Ow!" Adam's voice startles her out of her silent contemplation. He's rubbing his shoulder and glaring half-heartedly at Aaron. "You miserable prat! That's going to bruise, you know." But he doesn't look too upset, and Aaron's actually bent over in his seat, laughing. Hazel can't remember ever seeing Aaron like that, and from the way Adam deflates into a reluctant, but brilliant, grin, she doesn't think it happened often before she turned up, either. Adam shoves at Aaron's shoulder. "Yeah, yeah. Laugh. See if I bring you back anything from the vending machines."

"I don't want anything from the vending machines," Aaron says cheerfully.

Adam rolls his eyes and gets to his feet, stretching his body and wincing when he moves his bruised arm. Hazel fancies she spots a flicker of something akin to concern cross Aaron's face for just a moment, but it's gone before she can be sure she's not just hallucinating it. Adam looks over at her and meets her eyes, his own eyes as open and warm as ever. She regrets having a go at him earlier, as well. He didn't deserve it. "Can I get you anything, Hazel?" he asks, which doesn't help her guilty conscience much. She feels a little bit like she kicked a puppy.

Or a lot. Whichever. She gets to her feet. "I'll come with you," she offers. Adam looks like he's about to turn her down, gentleman instincts kicking in again, and Hazel has to wonder how John and Moira ended up with two children like Adam and Hannah, and then one daughter like Holly. Still, she isn't one to judge, and she holds up her hand to stop him from talking. "I need to stretch me legs for a bit, have a little walk. I've been sitting on me arse all day, it feels like," she explains, and Adam smiles at her. He kicks Aaron in the shin as they're leaving, and Aaron shouts something rude after him. Adam flips him off just as the door closes behind them. Whatever reply Aaron may have had is lost.

They walk to the vending machines in silence. For the first time, Hazel takes the time to take in her surroundings. She feels like she's been living in this hospital, but she's never noticed what it looked like before now. Never had the time or the energy. She sees a young man, not much older than her own Jackson, standing outside one of the other rooms in the spinal unit. She can't see his face, but his shoulders are shaking, and she knows that he didn't get the same happy news as she did today. She wonders who's inside the room—who he's grieving for.

She can't feel sad for him, though. The happiness still bubbling inside her is too intense.

When they reach the vending machine, Adam says, "So, what do you want, then?" and Hazel doesn't really want anything. Her Jackson's on the mend, and Aaron's smiling again. What more could she possibly wish for right now? Except for world peace, and she's always kind of wanted a pony, as well, but that's neither here nor there. Right here is the feeling inside her whenever she thinks that her son's going to be all right. Right here is Adam, in front of her, being the perfect gentleman even after she snapped at him for trying to calm everyone down.

"Look, Adam, about my outburst earlier," she says sincerely, "I'm so sorry."

Adam looks confused. "What outburst?" he asks.

"You know. While we were waiting on Jackson," she explains.

Several emotions flit across Adam's face—confusion, realization, confusion again, and then understanding. "Oh, come on, Hazel, that was nothing," he says, smiling brightly and genuinely at her. "You were worried about Jackson, it's all right."

Not for the first time, Hazel wonders how Aaron ever got so lucky with the three main men in his life. Paddy, Adam and Jackson. In a way, all three of them are way too good for Aaron. In a way, he doesn't deserve either of them. But he's still got them. They must all really love him, she knows. She never really understood why, but now, after spending so much time with Aaron, dealing with Jackson's accident together, watching him step up to the plate and be there every step of the way. She thinks maybe she understands after all.

Adam buys a cup of coffee and a bag of pretzels. Hazel's never actually seen Adam eat pretzels, and when he tosses them at Aaron's face once they get back to the family room, her suspicions are confirmed. Aaron opens the bag enthusiastically, but he doesn't thank Adam for them. Adam rolls his eyes at Hazel, but he's smiling, and Hazel smiles back. Yes, Aaron still has a way to go. But with people like Paddy, Adam and Jackson in his life, she thinks he'll be all right.


Hannah's crying when Adam gets home.

He wishes it were a rarer occurrence. His mum isn't around, but his dad is wrapped around Hannah, comforting her. Or attempting to, at least. Hannah is pretty much hysterical. Adam closes his eyes. He'd been so happy, so overjoyed, so ready to share his good news with his family. His mate is going to be all right; his best mate isn't going to lose his boyfriend to permanent paralysis. In the brief reprieve from the way things are at home, he'd even forgotten about Holly.

"How'd it go?" his father asks. Hannah peaks out from his arms, interested. She doesn't stop crying, but at least she's not howling anymore.

"Fine," Adam replies shortly. "They did some tests on him. They say he's regained most of his sensation and some mobility, so that's something, at least."

"Something?" his father echoes. "Adam, that's really good news. Why aren't you more happy about it?"

Upstairs, Holly lets out a loud shriek. A few minutes later, his mother comes down the stairs, looking frazzled and ready to burst into tears. Adam purses his lips. "Yeah," he says. "Wonder why."

"Adam, sweetheart," his mother says, out of breath. She hugs him. She smells like sweat and tears. Adam pulls back quickly. "How'd it go at the hospital, love?"

"Fine," Adam repeats. He hasn't taken off his jacket yet. He knows Scarlett's home. He promised her he'd stop by sometime today and tell her how it went. "I'm going to go pay Scarlett a visit, all right?" he says, and he's out the door before his parents can stop him. It's chilly outside, but not exactly cold, and he trudges down the road to Mill Cottage with his hands buried in his pockets. The streets are mostly empty, and the few people that Adam does pass don't speak to him. He thinks he probably gives off an aura of don't-look-at-me-don't-talk-to-me-don't-touch-me. He's been around Aaron enough to know what it looks like, anyway. Wouldn't be too much of a stretch to think it might have rubbed off on him.

When he knocks on the door to Mill Cottage, it's Chas who answers. She barely even looks at him before pulling him into a tight hug. She's laughing, so someone's obviously told her about Jackson. Adam kind of hopes it's Aaron, but he's also realistic enough to know that it's probably more likely to have been Paddy that passed on the message. He accepts Chas' hug, though, and hugs her back, looking up the stairs behind her where Scarlett appears. She smiles at him, and Adam feels all right again.

And when she takes his hand and leads him upstairs, and they pour over old photos of the village and make out a little, Adam doesn't think about Holly. He thinks about how Jackson's going to be all right, and how he's never seen Aaron so happy before in his life, and how relieved Hazel was, and how Chas was grinning, and how Scarlett still makes him feel newly in love. Life isn't so bad, he thinks.


End note: The formatting on this site is f-ed up. I spent quite a while trying to get it to do what I wanted, but, well. I gave up. Maybe if I have more time at some point, I'll try to figure something else out. Sorry if it's completely unreadable!