Summary: Just how hard is it to control our desires? How long can we hide it before someone finds out? Before we start hurting too much? 3-part. Ashley's POV. AU.


Desires: A South of Nowhere Fanfiction - Part 1 of 3


We let unspoken desires eat us up, we pretend we are happy, but we know we are not. Why do people do this to themselves? Why do people subject themselves to this kind of pain, to serve only the purpose of torturing themselves? I never understood it.

Spencer and I had been friends for as long as I can remember. It was not hard, to be friends with Spencer. She was easy to talk to, never judged me, and was the kindest person I knew.

Somewhere along the lines of her helping me with my homework, staying with me through nights of when I fought with my best friend, encouraging me to try new things when I was adamant on staying the way I was and getting me through nights of when I got wasted, I unknowingly saw her as more than just a friend, more than a confidante. I didn't know how it started really, how I started liking her more than just a friend, how I'll indulge myself in every moment that I can spend with her, her soft touches (which I knew, to her, were purely out of the friendship we shared), her gentle voice, her concerned look every time I was upset. I didn't want to make it obvious, so we stayed as good friends, nothing more, and nothing less. I didn't think there was a point trying to make us more, because I knew Spencer, and I knew she would never think of me as anything more than a friend. So I remained satisfied just being her friend, a friend she could rely on to listen to her, a friend she could rely on to encourage her whenever she needs.


I had friends, many whom I go out with, many whom I have ditched school with, and a lot more I've been drunk with. But Spencer wasn't one of them, she never was, and probably never will be. Every time I fought with my best friend, Cheryl, she'd be the first person I look for advice. She was always good with comforting people, and always had been a good listener. I didn't really know why Spencer stood by me all these while, when all I gave her was shit, when I could scarcely stay committed to the friendship we had. I knew it hurt her, to see me drunk, to see me upset, to see me angry, but I ignored it. I wanted to ignore it so I could push away all those feelings I felt towards her.


Spencer and I were sitting at the bleachers, after her cheerleading practice. Cheryl and I got into a fight again, over her boyfriend, so I decided to go look for Spencer.

"So, what are you up to nowadays? I haven't spoken to you in ages." She looked at me, trying to decipher the look I was giving her.

I remained sullen. I wasn't really in the mood to talk, which was probably why I came looking for her in the first place, she always knew when I wasn't in the mood to talk.

Her look softened as she figured that I didn't wanna talk. Instead, she gave me a light kiss on the cheek. "Hey, everything will be alright, you always work things out with Cheryl, I'm sure it will be fine."

It still amazes me how well Spencer can read me. And how unabashedly affectionate she was.

I wanted to tell her I wasn't vexed over Cheryl. I wanted to tell her that I was confused, confused about my feelings for her, tell her that all I want to do now is to kiss her, and so much more. But I simply sighed, then muttered a "Thanks."

"Well, I could do my routine for you! If that makes you feel any better?" She smiled as she said this. I knew she was joking, she knew how much I hated cheerleading, especially their routines. I routinely made fun of them in front of her.

I smiled. "Yes of course, there's nothing I love more than a cheerleading routine!" She laughed as I said this, and lightly slapped my right shoulder, as if offended.

"Well, I'm glad you can still be sarcastic!" She rolled her eyes, and then laughed again.

Somehow, just hearing her laugh made me feel so much better. "Yeah, missed it, didn't you?"

"Yes yes, I missed it alright? Where have you been these few weeks? I barely saw you around." She asked, looking slightly concerned.

"Oh you know, just here and there. Been busy with my English coursework and such." I lied to her. Truth was, I was kinda avoiding Spencer. Every time I was around her, these feelings erupt from within me, and I didn't want to deal with it, I didn't want to deal with Spencer's soft voice, her light kisses, anything that could make me feel even more strongly for her.

"Oh." She paused. "I missed talking to you. You can come over and look for me more often! Training's been quite tiring lately." She gave me an expectant look, asking me to say yes to her with her eyes.

I couldn't bear to disappoint her, so I just told her I'd try to. And then we just sat there and continued talking, though the talking was mostly done by Spencer. It was a nice, peaceful escape from the weeks of work, fighting, and sleepless nights. I had almost forgotten how much peace just talking to Spencer brought me.


Spencer had a boyfriend, Bryan. He was charming, sensitive and extremely smart. I was quite impressed by him the first time Spencer introduced him. He didn't attend King High, and had met Spencer through a mutual friend. Although most cheerleaders I knew tend to date jocks, Spencer wasn't one of them. Bryan was a violinist and performed in his school's chamber ensemble, and also ran in the athletics team. Spencer was really happy with him, and she liked talking about her dates with him.

At first, I pretended to be really happy for her, and partly, I really was. She was happy, and she deserved it. I've never seen her any happier than when she was with Bryan. But their relationship got serious, and the more she talked about him, the more uncomfortable I felt. That was when I started to talk to her less, in hope that the jealously in me would go away. I hated that feeling. I guess she felt the vibes that I was sending her, so she mentioned less of him whenever we talked. It made things awkward sometimes, when I knew all she wanted to talk about the recent date they have been on, or how sweet his text messages were, or whatever. But I guess I chose to ignore it, ignore this guilt that I felt for not being a bigger person and be happy for Spencer.


"Ash, do you hate Bryan?" Spencer suddenly asked. I looked up from the book I was reading from, giving Spencer a rather surprised look.

"What?" I started, "What made you think that? Of course I don't." I told her in my most earnest voice. It was the truth, I didn't hate Bryan, and I had no reason to.

She didn't look convinced. "Then why is it that every time I mention him, you either ignore it, pretend that I'm talking about something else, or try to get past the topic as fast as possible?"

I didn't really know how to answer her, so I did what I did best. Deny.

"I don't."

She looked rather upset. "Don't lie to me Ash, I can tell."

I became rather defensive. I didn't want to talk about Bryan, or anyone Spencer was dating, for that matter. "So? What do you want me to say?"

Spencer seemed rather surprised at my response. "Why do you not like him? I thought you said he was a good match for me?"

"He is."

"So, what is the problem?"

"Nothing is." I replied nonchalantly.

She was getting slightly annoyed, I could tell. "Stop lying." Her voice was strong. "I don't like knowing that you're not happy that I'm with him. I don't want this to cause a wedge in our friendship, Ash. I just wanna know what's wrong."

I was getting annoyed at her persistent questions. "I told you, nothing is wrong. I'm going to leave if you continue asking me."

She ignored my threat. "If nothing is wrong, you wouldn't be annoyed. There's something that you're obviously unhappy about. I don't understand why you can't just tell me."

I stood up. "Sometimes, I just can't. Alright?" I whispered it out, exasperated.

And then I left the table.


A/N: I had intentions to end it like this, but it'd be a terrible ending. But please let me know how you feel about this! Reviews are greatly appreciated! I will try to update as soon as possible. And yes, once again, this was written on a whim, so I do apologise for any shortcomings in the writing. I'm sure there are plenty. Thanks muchly! :)