A/N : this is my first fanfic ever. I'm really private about my writing so it's a big deal to me to post this (even anonymously online). I would really really appreciate your feedback !

Anyways I set this in season 3/4 (My fav. Time for Leyton) and took storylines from each. Hope you like it. P.s. I'm a Leyton fan through and through! :)

Disclaimer: Don't own One Tree Hill or any of it's characters in any way (though I wouldn't mind dating one or two) ;) cheers.

Lucas Scott instinctively looked up just as Peyton Sawyer walked into the gym. Her hair was tied in a messy ponytail and she was wearing ratty sweats for cheerleading practice but, Lucas thought as he stretched for practice, she looked beautiful as usual. He missed her. A lot. Lucas would have sounded crazy if he had said it aloud, seeing as he saw her every day, but he missed being around her and talking to her like before. Lucas hadn't even realized how much he missed her until that day in the library. When she had almost bled to death. He didn't know what was going to happen with them in the future but Lucas knew at that moment, when someone told him that she was still in danger in that school, that he would go to hell and back for her. He was and would always be in love with Peyton Sawyer.

She feels the same. The thought popped into Lucas's head out of the blue, as he thought back to how she had kissed him in the library that day. And it was closely followed by another, more depressing one: no she doesn't. She was dying and you were there. Lucas didn't know what the truth was but he knew he wasn't going to bring it up. Peyton meant too much to him to lose, even if he had to stay her friend, he would not mess things up with her again. And it wasn't like they ever even talked about that day. They barely talked at all, for that matter and when they did it was always awkward.

If Keith had been here, he would have given Lucas the best advice out there. Sighing, Lucas got up and jogged over to his brother, Nathan. "Hey man, what's with you?" Nate said as Luke approached.
"Nothing" Lucas said and motioned for the basketball.
"Alright, but you're doing that thing again... you know that whole broody thing" Nathan said with a smirk. He knew how his brother didn't like being called that.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Luke said as he passed the ball back with just a little too much vehemence.

"Alright then broody, just get it together for the Bear Creek game tomorrow. We need to show 'em whose boss!"
Lucas was about to respond when Whitey came out of his office "if you ladies are done chit chatting and trying on miniskirts, I'd like to see some actual practice! Suicides- NOW! "He screamed at his team, in typical Whitey fashion, and Lucas forgot all about it.

-
After practice, Lucas was beat. Whitey had worked them twice as hard because he thought they were getting lazy. "You need a ride?" Nathan asked him, but Luke refused and Nathan left with Haley.

Haley watched Luke start to walk in the other direction as they drove away. She worried about him. He hadn't taken the school shooting easily but he wasn't letting her in either. For the first time in their eight and a half year friendship, Haley didn't know how to help her best friend.

"What are you thinking?" Nate asked after a while of silence.

"I'm just thinking about Luke. I mean I know he needs time but I worry about him. I don't think he's even grieving, really… I think I should confront him, make him talk to me." She said, turning towards Nathan trying to gauge his reaction. There wasn't really much of one. Nathan looked directly at the road for a while before finally saying "I don't know, Hales. I think he's getting better. That day wasn't easy on him, I know, but I think he's dealing with it in his own way right now. When he's ready to talk, he'll come to you or somebody else." Nathan heard Haley sigh beside him but he didn't turn to face her. The truth was he was scared for his brother as well, but he didn't want Haley to know that. His pregnant wife really didn't need another thing to worry about right now.

Nathan also thought what he was saying was true though, if Luke wanted to talk, he would, so Nate tried to act as normal around him as possible. He thought Luke appreciated that.

Lucas heard Nathan and Haley's car drive away as he started to walk. He had gotten a ride with them this morning because his car was out of gas but Lucas needed to be alone for a little while. He had seen Haley's worried expression as he told them to leave without him. He knew his best friend was concerned for him but he didn't know how to assure her he was okay. Lucas started for the river court on foot, his thoughts juggling between Keith and Peyton when he heard a car pull up behind him. "Hey, boyfriend!" Brooke Davis called from her Volkswagen Bug. "when you said you were tired, i thought you meant you were going home with Nate and Hales, not walking some more!" She said cheerfully.

"I… I needed to be alone" he said. Her face fell. She got the message. "Oh… well okay. Call me tonight?"

"Yea, sure" he said as he resumed walking. Lucas cared for Brooke a lot. He truly loved her. As a friend. The day of the school shooting, sitting there in the library, Lucas had learnt a lot about himself. Things that he wasn't allowing himself to think of before came whirling out. The biggest of them being that he was in love with Peyton Sawyer.

Another thing he had realized though was that he didn't belong with Brooke anymore. Too much had happened and there was no way he could go back to before. But his reasons for letting it go on for so long were pathetic. At first he had been so consumed in his grief over Keith that everything else had just been on the outside of that pain, including Brooke. And when he had finally started to see the world again he saw how hard Brooke was trying to be there for him, and he couldn't do that to her. How could he hurt her when he himself was hurting so bad? He knew better than anyone how much pain losing someone caused and he did not have enough strength to do that. I'm a coward, Lucas thought as he collapsed onto the bench at the river court.

"God Keith, I'm a coward" Lucas said aloud, desperately looking for comfort in the place that had never failed to give him some until that day. But, just like every other time in the last 3 months he didn't find it "you were the greatest uncle in the world and I can't even honor your memory by being honest ... I'm sorry Keith... I'm sorry Keith I-" and he couldn't say anything else, because, as he often had in the past months, Lucas Scott was crying...alone.

So what do you think? Chapter 2 will be up soon. :)