It Feels Like Giving In
It was a dark day in Makai. That was quite a literal statement, for the sky had decided to take on a dark hue of purple for the last few days. A kitsune, vested in silver, stood alone and looked upon the gloomy land. He felt so empty, so dead; something very hard to do when one was in the Makai. The air was still pulsing with powerful life and it still filled his lungs with its succulent, averring presence.
But Yoko felt hollow. He felt heavy.
He had felt hollow before. He had for a good three days after Kuronue died. Then it got manageable. He placed Kuronue into a tiny box in his mind and set it on a special shelf so he could move on with his life. He'd never felt heavy before. Not like this. It'd been a good month now since the heaviness set in. And now, stepping out into the open air of the Makai after two months of seclusion, it didn't help.
The month of hibernation did little to prolong the occasion. And the second month did nothing to make the fox feel better.
He was finally alone.
His human was gone.
Shuichi was dead. Faded. Silent.
Yoko knew it wouldn't be long after the boy had been unable to hold his human form for any period longer then only a few minutes eight years ago, but he had hoped that he had more time. Yes, the human boy had been granted a much longer life than his race normally had, but Yoko had stolen his entire life from birth. Was it worth it? And to be stuck within the fox for most of the last twelve years of his life- Yoko felt sick. Shuichi was at rest now.
Now, Yoko wanted rest. He knew he couldn't hide in his den forever. He was showing a huge lack of dignity by staying locked up so long. It'd been a month of rest trying to keep Shuichi alive that his friends, and it made him smile weakly to be able to truly call them his friends, had accepted; but he knew even Koenma couldn't keep them away for much longer. He guessed it must have been a battle to do so for this long after announcing his human's death. Botan had tried so hard not to cry as she passed sniveling through his den to collect their beloved red head. And Yoko had tried so hard not to look at her, or his ghost. He didn't want to remember him that way.
But now it had been a month they'd start to worry.
Hiei would give him space for the most part. When the smaller demon would finally approach him the fox knew it would be with a gruff word. He had been quite fond of the human. He was one of the few who truly understood the situation Yoko and Shuichi had been in.
Kuwabara, rest his soul, would likely make a trip back with the old woman to give his condolences. He was truly Yoko's third favorite human, topped only by Shuichi and his mother. For Shuichi, and even the lovely Yukina, had seen the boy was indeed quite smart. Yoko was very respectful of the human's insight and loyalty. It had been a shame to lose him.
And Yusuke, on his third term as Makai king, would use that as an excuse to give the fox space. Yoko knew when the time came he would turn to Yusuke for the most support. His king would take it all quietly and offer what Yoko really needed; simply a listening ear and a warm smile.
Yoko took a deep breath. He breathed in the powerful spice and ozone of the Makai air. He felt no lighter, but he felt no heavier.
He could manage that. He could survive if he didn't get so weighed down that he would drown in himself.
Yoko hated that he was being so weak. He and Shuichi had discussed so much in their last months together about this. Yoko had promised to move on, and he wanted to respect the boy's wishes, but it was hard.
Yoko just lost his little human, his kit, his family. Was it wrong to love yourself? Because Yoko readily admitted that he loved Shuichi. He had raised the boy since birth, and they both had grown for the better because of the experience. And now Yoko had lost the only person that really, truly knew him.
Shuichi knew everything and accepted most of Yoko. He was Yoko's host, his child, an ally, a friend, an equal. And in a very deranged way, he had been a lover.
They were never truly together, but they had never truly been apart either.
It felt wrong to put Shuichi into a box like he had done for Kuronue. The human life had shown him a new, more vulnerable way of living. Damn emotions. Damn caring. Maybe he should have just died in that damned forest all those years ago.
Yoko paused at that thought. He knew that wasn't what he'd choose if he had it to do again. Shuichi would have been born without life if he hadn't come along to take his body. Shiori would have been devastated, and then she'd loose her husband after that. Yoko scowled to think of his savior being so hurt. He was so fond of that human woman, and at the moment with his emotions so raw he might even admit to having loved her as a mother as well. If he could go back and do it over, he would still pick the path he had. He knew Shuichi would have wanted the same thing.
No, Yoko had to be with Shuichi. And now he had to be without him.
So he would move on, taking the loss as a punishment for escaping death. He would keep going with his life as the human would have wanted him too. No matter how defeated he felt about it.
AN: This is part one of a three to four part series about how Yoko might handle the death of Shuichi. This is short, and it's choppy. I want the writing to reflect Yoko so don't expect a lot of change. I plan to keep each instalment around 1,000 words though so far I keep going over a little. I felt there is some OOCness, but then I believe Yoko would be shaken enough by Shuichi's death to be OOC. Hopefully it isn't to bad. I thank you for reading and would be very honored to get reviews!
Yu Yu Hakusho is property of Yoshihiro Togashi and FUNimation, and I claim no rights to the show, characters, or any of the amazingness they entail.
