AN: Ok, I'm totally cheating, I will admit it. If I had gone with the challenge, I would have ended up not writing anything, so I figured better to cheat than to not write, right?
So this is for the I Heart Rogan C2. The challenge was to take the first random song you heard on the radio and make it into a songfic. I am cheating and just picking a song. I don't listen to the radio much and invariably when I do, the music does not lend itself to songfics in general.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Marvel (apparently now Disney too). Song belongs to Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova.
This idea has been swirling around a little bit and I didn't think I would write it, but here's a good excuse.
O o o o o o o o o o o o O
He had been gone for a long time. That was the way he was, he wasn't the good guy, as Jean had so clearly told him. He needed to heal, they needed to heal, he needed space. He still cared about those at the mansion, but the thought that they could come to depend on him had spooked him.
Logan had caught Marie before she went and took the cure, and she had been looking for him to stop her. But he couldn't. He gave her platitudes and told her to follow her instincts. If he had told her to not get the cure, he would carry the guilt of her contact-free life, and if he told her to do it, she could someday regret it and he would carry that guilt as well. Plus, it was scary that she was relying on him for that sort of decision, not Storm or even the Iceprick.
She relied on him, and that perhaps scared him more than anything else. He was an animal and he destroyed things. He didn't want to destroy her too. So he left and lived his life as he had before he had met a certain Southerner. He wasn't the good guy, and he didn't stay, and he couldn't be relied on.
He had found out the cure wasn't permanent with the rest of the world. He didn't go back. He had heard that the Professor was back, albeit in a different body. He didn't go back. He knew that they were still preparing for a war. He didn't go back.
When he heard about Jubilee's death at the hands of anti-mutant extremists though, he knew he had to go back.
O o o o o o o o o o O
I don't know you
But
I want you
All the more for that.
O o o o o o o o o o O
Logan pulled into the long driveway of the mansion, taking a deep breath of the outdoor air before going back inside, to be inundated by scents he had left behind so long ago. He had missed the Firecracker's funeral, but the flag still flew at half-mast for her, he saw as he walked in.
"Logan." A face that he couldn't have forgotten, even had he tried, was the first to greet him. He was a little unsettled, she had changed so very little since he had left, but surely she should be older. She was clearly in as much shock as he, her glove-clad arms wrapping around herself as if in protection.
"Marie?" he breathed. The twin stripes of pure white still framed her face, and she looked like she was just barely out of her teens, despite the fact she should be well over thirty now. God, she was beautiful, even though she was now a total stranger to him. Fifteen years was a long time, but her scent was still familiar and welcome in his nose, maybe more than he wanted to admit.
"How?" he asked, clearly referencing her youthful appearance, at the same time as she spoke.
"I have to go." Still looking as bewildered as he felt, she walked away as quickly as she could without it becoming a run, heading towards the Professor's office, no doubt.
Logan followed her slowly, needing to talk to Xavier anyway. He let his senses sample the environment he was in, still needing reassurance about the amount of time he had been gone.
O o o o o o o o o o O
Words fall through
me
And always fool me
And I can't react
O o o o o o o o o o O
When he walked into Charles' office, there was no doubt about the changes and passage of time. An unfamiliar man sat at the desk in the office, the nameplate though still read 'Charles Xavier'. "Logan, welcome back." Charles' voice wasn't as smooth in this new body, but he still had the gentle English accent that had always run under his words.
"Chuck." Logan looked around uneasily, unsettled by everything about his return. He was beginning to think it was a mistake.
"Uh. I heard about Jubilee." He stumbled for the words, cursing himself mentally. He might be in a safe place, but being so speechless and off-balance was weakness he hated showing. "I'm sorry." And he was, more than he could ever admit.
"It was a great loss; she had grown into a beautiful and intelligent woman." Logan stayed silent while the Professor spoke, not sure what else there was to say. "I'm sure it would mean a lot to Jimmy to know you came back for her."
"Jimmy?" he asked dumbly.
"Leech, the young boy we rescued that night…" Now it was Xavier's turn to trail off, knowing how much damage that night had done to all of his X-Men, including the one in front of him. "He is, was, her husband." Charles corrected his tenses sadly.
This was the confirmation that time really had moved on; Jubilee, the little annoying firecracker, she had gotten married. Logan still was without knowledge of how to react to all of this, so he ignored it for the moment, "Mind if I stay a while?"
"Of course, Logan. No matter how long you are gone, this is still your home." Charles said kindly.
Logan nodded and retreated, knowing he had to get out of there for a moment and clear his head.
O o o o o o o o o o O
And games that never
amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out
O o o o o o o o o o O
Logan threw his bag into the room he was directed to - not his old room, he noted, but another room that was empty. His old room was occupied by some unknown mutant who was now teaching the next generation of protectors of mankind. He wondered idly though how long the school would last. Mutants born every day, and the children of mutants were by and large mutants themselves. Eventually, even without a violent uprising, humankind would be the minority, if not totally eradicated.
The thought made him sad somehow, and he wondered what would happen to the mutants here who had spent their lives fighting for equal rights and protection for both sides. He supposed that eventually, they would evolve themselves into a group that protected the human minority. But many, like Storm, had a deep distrust and fear of humans that he couldn't imagine her devoting her energy to protecting humans the same way she protected mutants. A strange new world was coming; hell, it was already here.
He stalked out of the room, not really wanting to dwell on those thoughts; he was depressed enough by Jubilee's death. He should find Leech. And Rogue. The latter making him feel uneasy and guilty. He should have come back, should have at least called at some point in the more than a decade that he had been gone. He knew when he heard about mutations coming back, despite the cure, she would be traumatized. Hell, he knew she was traumatized no matter what. But he just couldn't bring himself to do it; he couldn't be attached to her again in any way. He didn't need her, and he didn't want her to need him.
He found Jimmy and spoke to him, apologizing for not being there for the funeral, and expressing his sadness at the passing of one of his favorite "junior x-men". It was awkward and painful, but Logan considered it penance for having missed out on so much.
Having spoken to the widower, he moved to find Rogue. He was only kidding himself to think that she had nothing to do with his return. He had missed her after he left, more than he wanted to admit. That was even more motivation for him to stay away, to try and break that bond he felt to the young woman. But it was time to stop running.
O o o o o o o o o o O
Take this sinking
boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful
voice you have a choice
You'll make it now
O o o o o o o o o o O
He followed her scent out to the gardens in back of the school, where the graves of Scott, Jean, and Jubilee sat next to each other in a neat row. He had long ago made his peace about what happened with Jean, but the idea of Jubilee being buried struck him hard and he stopped, gazing at the stone monument.
"I'm sorry, kid," he whispered to the grave as he touched it gently with his hand.
"It's not your fault, you know." Rogue's voice floated over to him and he turned, seeing her sitting on a stone bench not too far from where he stood. "We survived just fine without you." Logan couldn't tell in her voice well whether there was accusation and anger, or just statement of fact.
"I know. On both counts," he began, turning towards her.
"Then why'd you come back? After all these years?" Her voice definitely held anger, but also bewilderment.
He sighed, "You were all fine without me. You didn't need me." He took a step closer. "This is the first funeral you've had in fifteen years, that's really damn good." Pride was evident.
"So you were just waiting for someone to die to come back?" she said incredulously.
"No!" he said with an angry sigh. "But it was better for you, for the team," he amended, "to not rely on me. I wasn't reliable." He held a hand out, "I'm sorry though. I promised I would take care of you."
Marie quirked her head to the side, noting his use of the past tense when talking about his reliability, and did not take the proffered hand. "Logan, that was a promise made to a little, scared girl. I'm not that girl anymore."
His hand fell back to his side when she rebuked him. "You're right. It's been a long time. I'm sorry." He met her eyes, trying to somehow make her understand. "I missed you, Marie." With those words, he turned around to go back into the mansion, to regroup and recover.
"That's not fair!" she exclaimed after him. "You run off, leave for almost two decades and show up when my best friend dies, spout shit about missing me and then go run off again?"
He turned around to look back at her, "I'm not leaving, unless you want me to." He turned back and walked into the mansion.
His enhanced hearing though could hear her whisper under her breath, "I missed you too."
O o o o o o o o o o O
Falling slowly,
eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and
erase me
And I'm painted black.
O o o o o o o o o o O
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, sitting on the edge of the bed. It wasn't his yet, but it would be with time, which brought him back to what he had said to Marie. He told her he wasn't leaving. But he had originally been planning on a short stay. But when he had seen her again, when he had felt the way his body reacted to being back at the mansion, he realized that he couldn't leave any time soon.
He wasn't the same man that he was fifteen years ago when he ran off, he doubted she was the same either. Everything changes, and he had come to realize that he liked being a part of something bigger. But the longer he had stayed away, the easier it was to put it out of his head, to forget that there was a group of people who once cared about him.
Jubilee made it impossible to ignore anymore though. He had loved that little kid, and it hurt his heart to know that she died so young. And then he saw her and remembered just what all he gave up in his search for his past and felt a deep pang of regret.
A knock at the doorjamb drew his attention and he saw Marie leaning on the frame, still not looking happy. "I'm sorry. I'm just overwrought right now," she explained, coming further into the room when he gestured, sitting down beside him. "But we can't just go back to being friends like we were."
"I'm sorry too, for a lot of things." He put an arm around her easily, leaning his head sideways to rest on hers. "And I know it won't and that this has to be hard on you. If you need anything, ask."
She paused, then looked at him directly, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you leave?" He tried to pretend there was no pain in her voice when she spoke, that he hadn't hurt her when he left, because that just made it easier to live with himself.
"Been finding out who I am. Maybe growing up a little too." He gave a half smile. "I know my whole history now, even the parts I really could have lived without ever knowing." He grimaced a little.
She leaned her head back to look at his face. "Does knowing make it easier?"
His brow furrowed for a moment while he considered how to answer the question, finally saying, "It made letting go of it possible." He let silence fall, then touched her arm lightly, the skin still covered with full length opera gloves. "Still stuck with those?"
Marie stiffened under his arm and he automatically tenses as well in reaction. "Mostly." He quirked an eyebrow up and waited for her to explain. "I have pretty decent control. Sometimes I'll lose it, sometimes other people lose it for me."
"Still have a temper, I see." He smirked as he spoke.
"Yes, but…" Finally, she shrugged, figuring that he would have to be told about it at some point. "A few of the personalities I've absorbed are stronger and can take charge, so to speak."
Logan looked at Marie, clearly shocked. That had never happened to her before, though he knew she retained a mental imprint of their personalities in her mind. "How did that happen?"
Her voice was deceptively gentle and off-hand, "They're only the people I killed. Apparently when I hold on too long, some things are permanent. Sometimes they are pissy at the X-Men."
Logan took her chin in his hand, trusting that she was going to control her mutation, searching in her eyes, trying to reassure himself that the Marie he knew was still in there.
"I'm fine, sugar. I have it under control usually." She saw the concern in his eyes and knew it wasn't just for her having to deal with the other personalities, but for her own soul at having to take lives. "Two out of three were accidents," she admitted. "The third, well…He deserved what he got." Her voice was suddenly low and fierce in a way that scared him. He never wanted her to be quite so able to take care of herself, perhaps.
Instead of trying to figure out what to say, he just pulled her into a hug. After a long moment, he released her, letting her continue. "So, things sometimes get a little tetchy. But, on the upside, I did gain some useful skills." False cheer echoed through her tone.
"What do you mean?"
"Some things are permanent. One of those things is their powers." He just continued to stare at her, waiting for the changes, so she continued. "I can fly; I'm probably just about as strong as you. I'm invulnerable, oh…and I'm a portable nuclear bomb," she said mildly. Shock was clear on his face when she explained, "Ms. Marvel, Sunfire and Juggernaut," she ticked off the names on her fingers.
"You killed Juggernaut?" His jaw hung open a bit.
"Like I said, he deserved what he got." Her mouth tightened into a thin line and he didn't push her on that.
Logan caressed her face softly, "Is that why you look the same?" Sympathy washed through him; being immortal wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
She nodded and looked away, but continued to speak. "It's not as bad as it could be. There are a few others out there who are immortals and not complete jackasses." Logan was not sure if she was referring to him. "But, Jubilee's is just the first of many funerals I'll get to attend." Now her voice showed the true horror and despair that she felt, knowing he would understand.
He pulled her into his arms again, holding her and gently stroking her hair. "I'm so sorry, Marie."
She didn't fight his gestures, somehow still feeling safe and comfortable with him; like he hadn't been gone for so many years. "I didn't really realize the consequences of his healing, or I might have stopped," she whispered.
"I'm not going to second guess you," he said, continuing to stroke her hair. "I know you enough to know that there was no other choice when it happened."
O o o o o o o o o o O
You have suffered
enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won
O o o o o o o o o o O
They continued to hold each other for a long time, until they were interrupted by notification that dinner would be served soon. Marie pulled back reluctantly, and Logan examined her face, "You ok?"
She nodded. "Yeah." She stood up, cocking her head to the side as she looked back at him, "Were you serious that you are sticking around?"
He nodded with a half-smile. "For as long as I am wanted." He watched as she smiled softly at that and walked out to go to dinner. He spoke quietly after her, "I'm ready to be the good guy."
O o o o o o o o o o O
Take this sinking
boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful
voice you had a choice
You've made it now.
Falling slowly sing
your melody
I'll sing along
O o o o o o o o o o O
AN: Reviews greatly appreciated. It didn't turn out exactly how I pictured, but my fics tend to do that to me. I'm reasonably happy with it though. My feeling is that Logan is nigh-invulnerable, and god let's hope he eventually matures as a character. He's still going to have quirks and bad parts, but people do eventually learn things and they can change, especially when they are unencumbered by the aging process.
