By: Emmett Cullen

For: Edward Cullen HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Edward has no dick!

Why my life sucks!

no penis

no waffles

no syrup/lube

handcuffs broke

AIDS

I got kicked off the street corner

Beat up by pimp

Am a sex slave

Collar connected to thick chain around neck is digging into your skin

leather is not very fashionable

Asslesschaps chafe

fisting hurts

wax burns

because when someone says slut you actually turn in response and say "yes?"

Sometimes you accidentally yell out "Oh, Carlisle"…. Why?

You get a hard on when you listen to Claire de Lune.

You say you love Bella. If you do then why did I see Carlisle entering your room last night and I heard "Oh… I could love no one but you, Carlisle"

You are a 108 year old virgin

You know every single word to Lady Marmalade