Warning: This episode of TDA contains scenes of extreme stunts performed by animated teens. Do not try this at home. Seriously. You could get really messed up.
"Hello everyone, and welcome back to TDA Aftermath!" exclaimed Geoff.
"You may be wondering why this program is being aired at midnight instead of the usual eight o' clock," said Bridgette.
"That's because this episode involves a lot of mature content," explained Geoff. "This network almost didn't approve of this broadcast, even with the censoring."
"So if you're under eighteen, you probably shouldn't be watching this," warned Bridgette.
"But right now, we have a very special guest, the winner of Total Drama Action, who is so not the hottest girl on the show!" cired Geoff.
Bridgette smirked. "Everyone, please welcome Heather!"
Boos resounded as Heather, in a new wig looking even better than her original hair, entered and sat down. "Shut it, losers!" she yelled.
The boos got louder. Heather rolled her eys.
"So, Heather, congratulations for winning," said Geoff.
"But," added Bridgette, "We'd all like to know. How exactly did you win when no one can stand you? I mean, you'd think you would have been voted off a long time ago. Did it have anything to do with a secret alliance?"
"By the time TDA came around, I was so done with alliances," explained Heather. "Last season, Lindsay and Beth were such dingbats that they were no help to me at all. So, I decided to play it solo and it clearly paid off."
"Who are you calling a dingbat?!" yelled Lindsay from the audience. "I am sooooo not batlike! I think I look much more like a kitten. Those are way cuter."
"Right," said Heather. "My point exactly. I thought about making an alliance with Harold, but then I realized that I couldn't be on the same team as anyone who thought LeShawna wasn't completely hideous, so I went completely alone. No scheming this time, it was all fair and square." She smiled sweetly.
"For some reason, I find that very hard to believe," said Geoff. "For example, why did Duncan mysteriously drop out after he got to the final three? It didn't make sense."
Heather rolled her eyes. "You think I know why that moron blew his chances of winning a million bucks? Why don't you ask him? Or his pathetic hypocrite of a girlfriend? Yoo-hoo, Duncan, Courtney!"
"They're not here," said Gwen. "Duncan took Courtney out to dinner to help her get over her loss. And I don't blame them for not wanting to watch Heather brag about herself."
"Listen, Weird Goth Girl, you're just jealous because I'm a winner and you're a loser!" said Heather. "Hate me all you want but I'm the one with the cash, and you're the one who still wears clothes she got from the dollar store."
"So, Heather," said Geoff, "Are you saying that you have no idea why Duncan dropped out?"
Heather patted her wig. "Would you stop asking me such stupid questions? Let's talk about my hair shall we?" She pulled off her wig, revealing that her hair had grown to a pixie cut. "See, after I stopped stressing about winning and people being so mean to me for no reason, my hair was able to grow back. Soon, it'll be long enough that I can put extensions in it and then I won't have to wear a wig! Although, I might just keep it short. I kinda like not having to spend forever on it all the time. What do you--Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" She jumped out of the way just as the anvil came plummeting to the ground. "What was that?! Are you trying to kill me?!"
"I wouldn't mind that," said LeShawna.
"It gets good ratings," explained Geoff.
"How about another question, Heather?" asked Bridgette. "Why did you always appear a lot more tired during the challenges than the other competitors? You all got the same amount of sleep."
"Um hello could you sleep with Beth's obnoxious snor--Aaaaaaaaaah!" She dodged the anvil again. "Okay what the fuck people?"
"That's what they do when you lie!" explained DJ. "It's cruel and inhumane! It brings tears to my mama's eyes!"
"Alright, everyone, since Heather won't spit it out, we'll just tell you!" said Geoff.
"Tell?" asked Heather. "Tell what?"
Bridgette waved around a DVD. "We have special never before seen footage of Heather's secret activities on TDA!"
Heather's eyes widened and she got on her knees. "No! Please please please don't show those! Please! I promised no one would ever find out! And it's so embarrassing! Please I'm begging you! Aaaaaaaaah!" Heather narrowly misses a third anvil. "And would it kill you to stop doing that?"
Geoff shrugged. "Sorry, Heather, but we already promised the viewers."
"NO!" cried Heather. She ripped the disc from Bridgette's hand and broke it in half.
Bridgette smiled. "No worries, it was already set to go. The DVD was just for dramatic effect." She pointed a remote at the overhead screen, which fuzzed. "And now, the secret to Heather's success!"
