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Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns it all, all hail JK.
A/N: A few lines in Ch 1 are taken directly from DH.
Xxxx
"I thought…you were going… to keep her…safe…" His breathing was shallow, and he clutched at the wall for stability as Dumbledore bore down on him. He had promised, promised, to do all he could, and yet, Severus actions had brought her harm still.
"She and James put their faith in the wrong person, rather like you, Severus." Dumbledore peered at him, eyes piercing through Severus' pain.. "She and her son survived."
Severus' head snapped to attention, going to meet Dumbledore's gaze. It wasn't the words he had expected. No one survived the Dark Lord. He wasn't sure he understood. Wasn't sure he wanted to.
"If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, then your way forward is clear."
He stared at the headmaster in a daze of confusion, the questions of what brought them here dizzying as he tried to make sense of it all. "What…what do you mean?"
"You know how and why they were attacked." Dumbledore stared at him, his eyes intent on relaying a message that Severus couldn't bring himself to understood. "Help me protect them."
A wave of anger washed through Severus, the protection came too little too late. If only they had trusted someone other than the Headmaster. If only he... "They do not need protection. The Dark Lord has gone-" His voice sounded unlike his own, pitched upward with the panic that trembled inside of him, the anger forcing it into life. The office in which he stood suddenly felt too small, too clostraphic, and he found himself gripping the wall again.
"The Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does."
Severus was silent, arranging his thoughts, calculating. He had come this far, he had sacrificed so much, what was a little more?
Xxxx
Lily stood, gazing into one of the window displays of Broomstix. She'd been passing by, another store in mind when the Comet 260 caught her eye. She'd never been one for brooms, having been terrified to fly on them for so long, but her husband was another story. Being with James brought her close to the flying death traps on almost a daily basis. Placing her hand on the cool glass she could almost smell the freshly cut wood, the artificial scent of stain that gave her a headache. Its bristles were finely trimmed and contoured, dyed the color of wheat to compliment the orange colored wood.
A cry came from the pram in front of her, breaking her from her trance. She blinked, wiping away the painful memories before forcing herself to move on. She approached Slug and Jiggers, her intended errand, and clumsily pulled open the door while pushing Harry inside. The shop smelled of herbs and death, the result of many decay body parts. It was one she was much more comfortable with, having enjoyed potions class as a student. Yet, this scent brought painful memories of its own.
Her eyes surveyed the rows of cauldrons, varying in everything from size to color and quality. Lily lifted an iron one, looking it over before hanging it off her arm and moving on. Her eyes left the cauldrons, looking up to head in the direction of ingredients. It was a surprise then that they should happen to land on an all too familiar pair of obsidian ones. Severus held her gaze for the briefest of seconds before continuing on his way. It was enough time, however for her to see the distant coldness he'd never had for her and the twitch of his lips that she wasn't sure how to interpret. Much of him was still the same as it had been the last time, she'd seen him, nearly two years prior. Greasy, black strands of hair ended just above his shoulders. His robes we're the deepest shade of blue, appearing nearly black unless you looked closely, and a billowing cloak hung from his shoulders.
Lily stayed put, temporarily mesmerized by the fact that the boy she had so intimately known now stood in front of her as a man that was more of a stranger. He approached a rack of ingredients, the same ones she had been going for, and caressed them gently, examining every detail before seemingly deciding they fit his expectations.
Flicking her hair over one shoulder, she too walked towards the containers, selecting her own herbs to buy. She wasn't going to let Severus' appearance – no matter how off putting - prevent her from buying the things she so desperately needed. He shifted beside her, inching away almost imperceptibly. When she risked another peek, she found him staring down at Harry, perfect Harry, nearly expressionless before striding away from them.
"Belladonna and tubeworm. Is that all?" Asked a clerk behind the counter. Lily tilted sideways to watch the exchange.
"Yes." Came Severus' velvet, baritone voice, giving no more information than necessary. That part of him had remained the same.
"One galleon and three sickles."
Dumping the coins into the man's hand, Severus collected his things and walked from the shop without so much as a glance in her direction. Lily stayed frozen in her spot, slightly perplexed. The two of them hadn't ended on great terms - rather the opposite, in fact – but, she had never received a look of such indifference from him. He walked now with a confidence he had never had, standing tall and stepping purposefully. He no longer looked cowed or anxious. It devastated Lily to know that You-Know-Who had given that to him.
She closed her eyes, fighting back the impending break down. It had only been three weeks since James' murder, killed by Lord Voldemort himself. To know that Severus helped in the attack in anyway dragged up an anger she hadn't felt for some time, one only he was capable of producing. She was utterly disappointed in him, that the sweet, nine-year-old boy in funny clothes had turned into a henchman of one of the darkest wizards of all time. It made her absolutely sick to her stomach.
She pushed away the thoughts, composing herself before collecting the rest of her supplies. Pulling out her change purse, she approached the counter. "That man that was just here." She gestured over her shoulder. "Does he come here often?" Lily found herself surprised at the words that came from her mouth.
"Nah." The clerk began. "He used to be quite regular, but since starting up at Hogwarts last year we don't see much of 'im."
She tipped her head to the side, the strands of her hair tickling the exposed flesh of her arm. "Hogwarts?"
"He's a professor up there." He continued counting the items she had given him. "Seven galleons."
With a grateful smile, Lily handed him the change before continuing out of the shop with a heavy heart. Hogwarts was the last place he should be.
Xxxx
Severus pulled bottles from shelves, refilling them as potions brewed in the corner. His mind was only partly on the task at hand, the rest of him revisiting his run in with Lily. He hadn't expected her, hadn't seen or heard anything of her other than the announcement of her and Potter's wedding in the Prophet some time ago. She'd been as radiant as ever, even if she seemed a bit downtrodden. There had been a subtle hint of jasmin on her skin which made him weak in the knees.
She'd had her son with her, despite knowing Lily was now a widow and a Mum, he hadn't expected it. Of course, the child looked like her blasted husband, the despicable James Potter. That didn't stop him from noticing that the boy had her eyes, exactly her eyes like Dumbledore had said nearly a year before, when Severus had come to him.
It had been three weeks, and he still couldn't believe the fact that Lily had survived. They hadn't been protected like Severus had asked, not in the way they should have. James was a sentimental fool, choosing a friend to hold the fidelius charm rather than someone more untouchable. Severus could have told him that Sirius would be their downfall. It came as no surprise that that didn't stop the fury from boiling in his veins.
The fact that Lily survived was pure luck and nothing else. He'd listened, barely taking in the words, as Dumbledore had relayed what had happened. She had thrown herself in front of her son, pleading that the Dark Lord would kill her instead and spare her child. Voldemort had given her the chance to save herself, but when she didn't listen, he cast the fatal spell. As the stream of green light had come barreling towards her, Harry had shifted behind her ever so slightly, peering just underneath her arm. The spell had hit him instead and the act tore the Dark Lord apart.
The anguish Severus had felt after learning how close he'd come to losing Lily had been reignited today, seeing her. The world had been so close to losing such a brilliant light and it was his fault…all his fault. He collapsed in his desk chair, holding his head in his hands when a knock came at the door. He straightened, composing himself and fixing his occlumency barriers before calling out. "Come in."
The door squeaked open revealing a terrified second year. Right, detention. Severus forced himself upwards again, towering over the boy who shrunk backwards in response. He strode away, into the classroom, without a word and the student scurried fearfully after him. Severus gestured to a stack of cauldrons in the back corner of the room. "Scrub those, by hand, Summerby. We'll see what you get done in an hour, otherwise the rest will be completed on a later date."
He took a seat again, this time pulling a stack of parchments in front of him. He had received a rather large batch of dunderheaded first years. Their complete lack, or rather, desire to study was evident as he scanned the words on each assignment, crossing out lines as he went. Striking out words, he left notes in the margins.
They'd been assigned an essay on the twelve uses of dragon blood and why they were important. It was a bit ridiculous how many of them had utterly failed the assignment. It was a rather simple one as the uses typically dictated why they were important. A fair bit of research would have solved the inconsistencies he found over and over again. Never mind the fact their very own Headmaster had found the uses.
"Wand away." He commanded in irritation, seeing that Castor Summerby had attempted to use a scourgify. Severus found that purebloods were the most insolent. Few of them had done actual, physical labor in their lifetimes and found doing so unfair. However, it made for the most effective detentions. It was a small consolation for the fact he was stuck in a job he hated with children he disliked even more.
He glanced at his watch, it was after five. He only had the rest of this detention to get through and dinner then he was free. Patrolling the corridors was the only task he had left, and he was perfectly fine with it. It was the one part of his job where human interaction was unnecessary, and typically rare, should the students follow the rules. Severus had no problems prowling the dark hallways, in fact he looked forward to it on days like this.
Xxxx
"Mum, stop fussing over him, he's fine." Lily prodded her mother away from her son who was standing on his toes in an attempt to reach his toy. Lily watched carefully, hoping Harry would find some way, some magical way to get what he wanted. She gave in finally when Harry's lip began to tremble in a wail. Lily plucked the little train from off the dresser and handed it to him.
She watched as Harry drove it across the carpet, leaving marks in its wake. The way Harry scrunched up his face in concentration was so much like his father, it hurt. They'd just been having a normal night, enjoying each other's company without a baby to intrude when it had quite literally been torn apart.
James had spotted He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named through a crack in the curtains. Lily could still hear his voice, the urgency as he shouted for her to run. She had obeyed without question, her heart going instantly to her son. She remembered risking a peek over her shoulder as You-Know-Who came blasting his way through the door. Her husband had been unprepared, scrambling for his wand. Though he tried, it wasn't enough. Lily was out of sight then, near the door to Harry's room when she heard Voldemort cast the fatal spell. She hadn't had time to be devastated, to even register what had happened. Now, she could still feel the way her throat had closed, how her hearted pounded in her ears. Her hands were sweaty as she went to grab Harry, to disapparate, when the cold voice was behind her.
"Stand aside. silly girl!" Voldemort commanded. His slit like nostrils flared and his red eyes were calculating as they fell on her and how she guarded her son. She refused to move, for life without her child was no life at all. If she couldn't save Harry, what was the point?
Now, she hurried to Harry from where she'd been standing, clutching him tightly. His train pressed uncomfortably into her bosom and he squirmed in her arms. Nevertheless, she squeezed him with a gratefulness she didn't even know could exist. Lily registered hot tears dripping down her cheeks and the disembodied sobbing that she realized was coming from her. It was too much, all of it, and Harry had no idea what they had lost.
"Dada?" He asked, finally free of her arms.
"Daddy's not coming back." She forced out, watching her child solemnly. When Harry's wish wasn't given, he returned to his toy as if nothing had happened.
A pair of arms were around Lily suddenly and she gave in, crying against her mother like she was a child all over again. Cloris stroked her hair soothingly, making shushing sounds as she did. The sensation of all of it, her mother's scent, the touch of her skin, began to calm Lily finally. "I m-miss him" She stuttered.
"I know, petal. I wish I could say it gets easier, but it never truly does. When your father died…I was destroyed. It's been four years and while the pain has dulled, it isn't gone. I'll still catch sight of him from the corner of my eye, only to turn and find it was something else entirely. I miss him every day."
"But, you had years together." She fought, not appreciating the comparison. "James and I…we had so much more to do with our lives."
"And you think we didn't? We didn't get to grow old together, raise our grandchildren. We had plans to travel, to see the world together. Lily, you're young and everything seems harder now, but the truth is you never would have been ready to lose him. Had you been ninety, your heart would have broken just the same."
Lily sniffed and pulled back. She wiped at her tearstained and blotchy face before watching her son again. "I just don't understand why it had to be us." She whispered in defeat.
"Was it though? What about your friend? The Longbuttons-"
"-Bottoms, Longbottoms."
"Right, the Longbottoms received a fate worse than death. In many ways, they lost their child as much as he lost them. That boy won't grow up with anything a normal child should have. But, Harry still has you. Make sure you remember that you still have him."
Lily sniffed again, nodding sadly. She wished to be Harry then, not caring about anything other than his train.
Cloris tucked a hair behind Lily's ear "You left the house today for the first time since his birth. That was a big step."
Lily nodded, looking back at her mother. "It was terrifying and unusual and…" A thought occurred to her, something she had forgotten. "…and I saw Severus."
"Snape? That nasty friend of yours?"
Lily exhaled in laughter. Her mother had never gotten over the slur he had called her, in fact neither had she. "Yes, I learned he's working up at the school. I can't imagine why Dumbledore would let someone like him in."
"It's a shame." Her mum agreed. "He was such a sweet boy as a child. If only…
Lily smiled dolefully. "If only."
