I do not own the song or the show. It's pretty much my own story plot (with a little taste of the movie Return to Me). Cailin, Rebecca, Bryan, Amelia, and Jason are my own characters. I just had this song playing in my head and typed this yesterday. This isn't my first CSI:NY fanfic but it is the only I've posted so far. I hope you enjoy it. R&R. If I get enough good reviews I will probably continue to post stuff like this. I just love writing fanfics and when I get stuck I look to songs for inspiration.
"Cailin, what are you doing?" Lindsay asked her friend as they sat on the floor looking through old photos. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?"
"I don't know, Lindsay. I miss him." Cailin picked up photo of a seemingly happy couple. "Does he even ask about me anymore?" She looked at Lindsay with unshed tears.
"If he does, he doesn't ask me. Danny hasn't mentioned anything. It's been a year, almost. Maybe it's time to put it all behind you." Lindsay felt for Cailin. She and Danny had thought that Don and Cailin would be perfect together and they were, for a time. Then Don slipped back into the darkness that had consumed him when Jessica died. It had almost been like that movie Return to Me except without the happy ending. Cailin's sister, Rebecca, had received one of Jessica's kidneys along with some bone marrow.
"Why did he make a big deal about it? I could have lost my sister. I never said that I was happy that someone died in order for my sister to live but…" She stood up and walked to the window. "If I had been a match then it wouldn't have ended like this." Cailin had gone to the hospital to see if she had been a match for Becca but they soon found out that they had different fathers. They had confronted their mother, Amelia, when she came to the hospital and she tried to deny everything. Rebecca's father had been killed right after she was born and Amelia had met Cailin's father soon after the funeral. They we married when Rebecca was a year old and Cailin was on the way. It was never talked about. Rebecca had been diagnosed with the early stage of Bone Cancer and in addition one of her kidneys had begun to fail. If it hadn't been for Jessica's sudden death, Becca might have died. As soon as Don found out what had happened he'd pushed Cailin so far out of his life she might as well have been living on a different planet.
"It crushed him when Jessica died. You've heard the stories." Lindsay wasn't sure why Don had reacted the way he had.
"Yeah, I heard them. You know, Becca hasn't talked to me since Don found out."
"Why?"
"She feels responsible. She's blaming herself. I've tried to tell her that it's not her fault. I've told her that she's more important than any man. She says she can see the pain I'm going through. She says that my eyes don't shine like they used to; that they've never shined as bright as when I was with Don." Tears streamed down her face. It had been almost a year since she last spoke to Don, but the hole in her chest was still there. It seemed to be growing instead of shrinking.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Lindsay laid a hand on Cailin's shoulder.
"What good would it have done? Would it have changed his mind any?"
"Probably not." Lindsay squeezed her lightly. "Let's get back to the pictures."
Meanwhile
"Don, what are you doing?" Danny approached his friend. Mac was right behind him.
"Leave me alone." Don glared at his friends.
"You should be happy. You dumped her, remember?" Mac replied, sitting beside him at the bar.
"So." Don shrugged his shoulders and stared into his beer bottle. The door chimed and Don glanced at it quickly. His eyes darkened as a woman spotted him.
"Isn't that Becca? Cailin's sister?" Danny recognized the woman.
"Bryan, let's go somewhere else." They heard her say to the man she was with.
"Why? I thought you liked this place, Becca?" He answered back.
"I used to." She tried pulling him back towards the door but then his eyes locked onto the three men at the bar.
"I know those guys." He headed towards Danny, Mac, and Don. Becca stayed close to the door. "Messer!"
"Bryan Thompson, how have you been?" Danny greeted him.
"Great. I'd like you to meet my girlfriend." He turned around and noticed that Becca was hovering near the door. "Beck, what are you doing? Come over here." He waved her over. She hesitated when she saw Don glaring at her. "Guys, this is Rebecca McClanahan. Beck, this is Danny Messer,…"
"I know who they are, Bryan." She interrupted him. Her voice was mixed with pain and hatred. "Don Flack is the reason I haven't spoken to my sister in almost a year." She was tense. She refused to shed tears. She had been blaming herself for the way things had ended between Cailin and Don. After the hundredth time of Cailin telling her otherwise, she finally realized that the only one who could be blamed was Don.
"What are you talking about?" Bryan looked between Don and Becca.
"Forget about it, Bryan. All I'm going to say is that it has to do with the transplant surgeries I went through a few years ago." Becca turned on her heel and headed out of the bar.
"Care to explain, Flack?" Bryan asked.
"Not really." Don's voice was ice cold. Bryan nodded and then went after Becca. Soon, Don found himself alone at the bar again.
The next day
"May I help you?" The receptionist asked Becca as she entered the building.
"I'm here to see Cailin McClanahan."
"Is she expecting you?"
"Probably not, but I'm her sister. I need to see her, please."
"Have a seat and I'll see if she's available." Becca took a seat and waited. "Fifth floor, second office on the right."
"Thank you." Becca smiled and headed for the elevator. She reached Cailin's office and knocked.
"Come in." Cailin answered.
"Hey, sis." Becca walked in.
"Come here." Cailin stood up and hugged her sister. "I've missed you."
"I've missed you, too. Are you really moving?" Becca looked around the office. There were pictures of the two of them, pictures of their family, but there were no pictures of Cailin and Don. There had been the last time she'd been there.
"It's not final, but it looks like it. Things could change. I really don't want to move but it may be for the best." Cailin smiled weakly. Becca knew what she meant.
"Bryan and I went to that pub we like last night. He was there with Danny and Mac." Becca watched for a reaction. They only one she got was Cailin's eyes darkening. "He's changed. He's cold, hateful. Even Danny and Mac seemed on edge because of his attitude."
"Did you talk to him?"
"Indirectly. Bryan went to introduce me to them and I mentioned that I already knew them. I said that Don was the reason I hadn't talked to you in almost a year. Bryan asked why but I didn't go into details right then." They sat in silence for a minute. "Are you packing?"
"Lindsay and I went through some stuff last night. I'm not really packing, just going through and getting rid of some stuff. I have a pile of clothes for you to look through if you want."
"That would be good. Are you busy tonight?"
"What about Bryan? Aren't you guys joined at the hip now?" Cailin teased. It was the same things Becca had said to her when she and Don were dating.
"He'll understand. I did eventually tell him about everything. I think he was ready to go back to the pub and lay into Don." Becca took a deep breath; she wasn't sure how Cailin would react to what she was about to say. "Last night got me thinking."
"About?" Cailin looked up from what she was working on.
"About you and Don. Bryan and I thought the same thing."
"And what was that?" She wasn't sure she wanted to know.
"That he's still in love with you, but he just doesn't know how to deal with it all. So he pushes everybody away."
"If it helps you sleep at night, you can continue to think that. You didn't see the look in his eyes. You didn't hear the sound of his voice. He never wants to see me again. The utter betrayal he felt… I never want to feel like that again. Don and I are finished; it's over." Cailin went back to the spread she was working on. She had put in so many hours at work over the past year that the boss was almost forcing her to take some vacation time.
"Can you skip work today? Or at least leave at lunch?" Becca knew what her sister was doing. Cailin was burying herself in work so that she didn't have time to think about the pain Don had caused her.
"Probably, why?" Cailin was hesitant.
"We need to spend some time together. I'm meeting Bryan for lunch and I want you to come."
"Alright. I'll clear it with my boss." Cailin went to her boss's office and got the okay to leave at lunch. She passed out assignments to her staff and then finished the little bit she had left to do. "Ready?"
"Of course." Becca grabbed their coats and they headed downstairs. Becca led them to a little diner that sat across from the police precinct that Don worked at.
"Are you serious?" Cailin really didn't want to see Don today.
"It's close to where Bryan works, its good food, and it's quick. We probably won't even see him."
"Fine." She said through clenched teeth. They slid into a booth and waited for Bryan.
"Bryan!" Becca waved when she saw him enter. "Bryan, this is my sister Cailin. Cailin, this is Bryan Thompson."
"It's nice to finally meet you. This is Jason Kingman. He's a rookie at the firehouse. Jason this is my girlfriend Becca and her sister Cailin."
"Ladies." Jason sat across from Cailin and Bryan sat across from Becca.
"Cailin McClanahan?" A brunette walked up to Cailin.
"Samantha?" Cailin tried to hide the pain. Samantha reminded her of Don. She stood up and hugged her. "How have you been?"
"I've been good. I've been working at the animal shelter for a little over six months now. It's been good for me." Sam knew that Cailin was still hurting because of the way Don had ended things.
"That's really great, Sam. You remember my sister, Becca?"
"Of course, how are you?" Sam was all smiles. Everything that happened hadn't darkened her any.
"I'm great. This is my boyfriend, Bryan, and his friend, Jason." Becca smiled back at Sam. She was the complete opposite of her brother. Sam had been there for Cailin right after the break-up.
"Nice to meet you both. It was great to see you again. We'll have to keep in touch more. I've got to get back to work. Is your number the same?"
"Yep." Cailin smiled. Sam had become a great friend.
"I'll call you then. Bye." She left. As soon as she was out of sight her brother came in.
"'We probably won't even see him.' Right, sis?" Cailin nudged Becca.
"Ignore him, Cai." Becca replied. Cailin tried to ignore him but her mind (and heart) seemed to notice his every move.
"So, Cailin, Beck tells me you work for a fashion magazine. What's that like?" Bryan asked, trying to get her mind off of Don.
"Really great. I meet a ton of famous people and travel to different places all over the world. They're talking about sending me to Prague, Czech Republic, for a little while." She was grateful to Bryan for what he was trying to do but it wasn't working too well. She could tell that Don knew she was here; he'd reacted to the comment she just made. "Nothing's set in stone at the moment, but they're seriously thinking that I could do well over there."
"How long is 'a little while'?" Becca asked. She'd heard that Cailin might be moving but not that she'd be leaving the country.
"A few years probably. At this point I could get sent anywhere but it's almost for sure that I'll be moving out of the city." Cailin was still watching Don out of the corner of her eye. She could tell that he was listening to their conversation.
"Where would you like to go?" Jason asked. He knew something was up but wasn't quite sure what.
"I don't really know. At this point, anywhere but here sounds good to me. I'd like to go to Europe. Germany, Czech Republic, Austria, Poland, places like that. Australia would be fun, but not for very long. The first time I saw a poisonous snake or a really big bug, I'd be on the first plane home." She smiled and then the smile faded when she thought about the time she had been at Don's apartment and saw a spider. She had freaked out and Don had come running into the bedroom to see what was wrong. He teased her for two weeks because of it.
"Cai?" Becca squeezed her sister's hand.
"I'm fine. So, Jason, you're new to the firehouse?" She changed the subject. She waved when she saw Danny and Lindsay walk in the door.
"It's good to see Cailin and Becca hanging out again." Lindsay said as she and Danny sat next to Don. "According to Cailin, they hadn't seen each other or spoken for almost a year."
"Yeah, Becca mentioned that last night." Danny had told Lindsay what had happened at the pub. "Who's that other guy?"
"He's cute. That's the first time I've seen Cailin laugh in a long time. Oh, Don, Cailin asked me to give these to you." Lindsay handed Don an envelope full of pictures. "We were going through some of her things last night and she wondered if you wanted them."
"Thanks." Don mumbled as he thumbed through the pictures. He was trying to ignore Cailin. He hadn't spent this long in the same room with her since he broke up with her. He had been listening to her conversation with her sister and the two men they were with. She had mentioned that she might be moving and could very likely be sent out of the country. He couldn't understand why his heart sank when hearing that, and again when he saw that one guy, Jason, make her laugh. He finished eating, paid the check, and threw the envelope into the nearest trash can on his way out. If Cailin had noticed she wasn't letting on.
"Why?" Cailin was angry. She and Becca had gone to her apartment after lunch. The envelope was sitting on the kitchen table.
"Why didn't you just leave them there?" Sam had come over after her shift finished.
"Sis, maybe you're right. Maybe he doesn't love you anymore."
"Did he ever?" Cailin slumped against the wall.
"Of course he did. Cailin, he loved you more than words could ever express. He just…" Sam started.
"He just fell out of love with me so fast that there was no saving our relationship? He loved me more than words could express but at the news that my sister is alive because Jessica died he turns so cold and so full of hate? If he really loved me like you say he did, could he have shattered my heart so quickly?" Her heart wanted to believe what Sam was saying but her mind was telling her that it was better if she just forgot about all of it.
"Come on, let's go out tonight. We'll have dinner and then go to the movies or something. It'll be fun." Becca tried to pull her sister out of the darkness that seemed to weigh her down.
"I'd rather not. I just feel like vegging out of the couch and being alone." Cailin wasn't in the mood to be around anybody.
"That's not a good way to be." Sam replied.
"I'm not going to do anything stupid. I'm just not going to be very good company tonight. I've got a lot to think about. My boss wants a decision in two weeks. I'm either staying in NYC or I'm moving as far away as I can get." Cailin stood up. "If she wanted my decision today; I'd be leaving as soon as I could."
"At least let us stay for supper." Becca said. "We'll order in and watch some action flick or something."
"Alright, but I'm going to bed early." Cailin smiled weakly. They went through more of Cailin's stuff and then Sam and Becca decided which clothes they wanted from the discard pile. After dinner they watched The Core. When the movie was over, Sam and Becca said goodnight and Cailin was left alone. She picked up the envelope off the kitchen table and scattered the pictures in a circle. After staring at the pictures for over an hour, she reached for the phone.
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
She dialed his home number and waited, praying that he wouldn't answer. She wasn't sure she could actually talk to him. She breathed a sigh of relief when the answering machine picked up. "I know I said I'd never call again. I'm not sure what to say really. I can't help but think about the way things used to be. I'm sorry I called but…"
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.
At the pub
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time.
Don was sitting at the bar again. He'd been thinking about Cailin all day, ever since lunch. He realized that he'd been thinking about her more and more with each passing day. He was beginning to realize that Becca having Jessica's bone marrow and kidney wasn't the problem. He just used it as an excuse to end things with Cailin before they got too serious. It had been too late. He was scared to care for someone again and the worst part was that he had fallen for Cailin deeper than he had with anyone before. He was hoping that Cailin would come through the door of the pub like she had the first time he'd seen her. She had been radiant, glowing with life as she entered arm-in-arm with her sister. The two had seemed like nothing could ruin their night. Danny and Lindsay had introduced them. He and Cailin had been together since then. That was, until news came about Jessica having been an organ donor and Rebecca McClanahan being a recipient of a kidney and bone marrow. When he confronted Cailin, he had been angry. Something inside him, that he thought he had dealt with, opened and filled him with indifference to what Cailin was saying. Becca would have died without the transplants. He hadn't cared then. 'Don Flack is the reason I haven't spoken to my sister in almost a year.' Becca had said it last night and Lindsay had practically said it at lunch. He had been the reason Becca and Cailin hadn't spoken to each other. The guilt that Becca must have felt. 'At this point, anywhere but here sounds good to me.' Cailin had been talking about getting moved. It had pained him to hear it at lunch and it pained him to think about it now. He needed to mend things with Cailin. He missed her. He headed outside and dialed her cell number. His heart sank a little when it went to voicemail. "Cai, I know I said I wouldn't call you ever again but…"
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.
Don noticed that his answering machine was blinking. He thought maybe it was Mac or Danny checking on him. He hit play as he went to change but stopped mid-stride when he heard her voice.
Oh whoa
Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Cailin hung up the phone and curled up on the couch. Tears stained her cheeks as she thought about what Sam had said and what her response had been. The truth was: Sam and Becca had been right. Don Flack had been in love with her just as she had been in love with him. He may not have come right out and said it but she could tell by the way he looked at her, the way he held her, everything he did with her told her that he loved her. She stood up and made her way to the bedroom, after she changed into her pajamas she came out to grab her phone. She turned it on (she forgot that she had turned it off to save battery) and noticed that she had a voicemail. She checked the missed call list and she began to panic. She thought that maybe he had called to break her heart again; that she needed to stop calling; that he has moved on and so should she. She took a deep breath and checked her voicemail.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
Don listened to the message twice to make sure he heard it correctly. After the second time through he grabbed his coat and keys and headed out the door. He knew what he needed to do and he needed to do it that night. Her words were echoing in his head.
I just need you now
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.
Cailin was too stunned to do anything. She had never imagined that Don would say anything like that. Of course, he wasn't saying that he wanted to get back together… he was just saying that he needed her now. As she was debating whether or not that was a bad thing, there came a knock on the door. She grabbed her robe and peered through the peep-hole. Her heart stopped. She opened the door and there he was standing in front of her. She stepped aside to let him in and then closed the door.
"Cai." She hadn't really heard his voice in almost a year and now here he was speaking her name. Well, the nickname he had come to call her by. She didn't look at him; she couldn't.
"Don." It came as a whisper but in that quiet sound Don knew what he had to do. He stepped towards her, closing the gap and cornering her so she couldn't escape.
"Cai, stay." It was a gentle command. It was a command that made her look at him. "Stay." He placed a palm to her cheek and wiped away a tear with his thumb. "Please."
"Why?" She closed her eyes. The tears refused to let up and Don held her face between his hands. He leaned in; she could feel his breath on her lips. She reached out and grabbed his waist to steady herself; she could feel her whole body tremble at the simple nearness of him. As soon as her hands touched him, he knew he couldn't turn back now.
"Because I love you." As the words came out in a whisper, he brushed his lips against hers. In that moment, her world seemed to right itself. Everything that had been missing came back to her in that single touch; in those three simple words. She had never expected this. A year ago she had hoped for it, but when he broke her heart she never allowed herself to believe that something like this could happen. She stepped into him, making that contact of their lips greater. He pulled her tight against him as they lost themselves in the touch of each other. "I'm sorry." He pulled back to look at her. "I'm sorry about everything. I think I just needed an excuse to get out before things got too deep. It was already too late for that but at the time, I didn't think it was. I know Jess would have been happy to hear about your sister's full recovery and years of remission. Her death wasn't for nothing. I see that now. I was an idiot for not seeing it then. Don't move. Stay in New York. Stay with me."
"Don, I love you. I know what you went through couldn't have been easy. Becca has spoken with Jessica's family and even gone to her grave. She's never been more grateful; not that someone died, but that someone made the choice to be an organ donor. I would have given my kidney, my bone marrow had it been a match. Beck and I are only half-sisters but she is the only sister I have. She is the only family I have left."
"Cai, I will apologize to Becca. I can't even imagine to amount of guilt she must have felt because of what I did. You haven't said whether you'll stay in New York or not?" He smiled a little. He kind of knew what the answer was, but he wanted her to say it.
"Don, I love you. Of course, I'm staying in New York. Even though it pained me to be in the same city as you, I couldn't have left my sister behind. Now I have more reasons to stay." With that he kissed her again.
