"So Kathryn…" Chakotay started and cleared his throat, "how do you imagine yourself after our homecoming?"

Kathryn smiled tentatively and looked up from her padd, narrowing her eyes and thinking carefully of his question.

"Well…" she started, "first of all, I'd live in a beautiful house," she stated.

A sincere smile played on his lips. "In the countryside?"

"Of course," she declared, "It'd have an amazing view and a garden, so I could watch the sunset every evening. Also, there'd be a lot of place for my dog!"

"So, there'd be a dog too," he laughed. Kathryn chuckled as she nodded.

"What else?" he insisted.

"Okay, let me think… oh, there'd be coffee – I mean, the real stuff," she sighed and closed her eyes licking her lips hungrily.

Chakotay couldn't stop himself from staring at her face and he let out a small moan.

Hearing the sound, Kathryn opened her eyes and looked directly into his. Chakotay started to blush and swallowed hard but she gave him her famous half-smile.

"Also," she continued "there'd be a lot of chocolate ice-cream and of course, you."

Chakotay choked and coughed. Then, he looked at her incredulously. She was giggling.

"You'll kill me, Kathryn," he said and groaned warily.

Kathryn laughed and approached him. Then, she touched his cheek tenderly.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm more than okay… but…" Then, he took her hand in his and lifted it to his lips. "Are you serious? You see me into your future life?"

"Of course," she said as a matter of fact "you don't?" she asked and blinked nervously.

"Always, Kathryn," he breathed out, "since the day I've met you."

~.~

It was an autumn day – like any other.

Chakotay looked up into the scattered clouds of the midday sky as his raven hair danced about his face in the soft breeze. He sighed contently and lowered his gaze at the vivid scenery around him in obvious adoration. He was in his element.

He always loved nature and that was part of the reason he chose this particular location to settle in after their return from the Delta Quadrant, ten months ago.

But it was only a part.

His daily routine was pretty simple, free from the stress and the tension he'd been through in the last seven years. So, why was he feeling so sad and empty?

He used to spend his days alone, meditating, gardening, swimming in the nearby river, woodworking, sand painting, fishing and reading literature books of older centuries.

There were no padds in his new world, no alien inspectors, reports and tasks, holodecks and Irish bartenders, blue and red alerts, distressed calls, protocols…

It was indeed a pleasant change after seven years of space exploration and major dangers but he wasn't happy.

He was very conscious of the fact that something was missing.

Something or someone.

Of course, not Seven, he thought, a bit embarrassed and then, stopped walking, sat down quietly on a tree trunk and held his head between his hands. His insignificant affair with Seven of Nine was over even before they landed on the Alpha Quadrant but it had already done more harm than good. At least, their break up was quite easy. There were no regrets, tears or arguments. Of course, there was no love too.

They just needed different things. Chakotay wanted to settle down, create a family and live a peaceful life. On the other hand, Seven of Nine wasn't interested in such things. She preferred to study as a cadet at Starfleet Academy and then, continue the space travels.

Soon after their break up Chakotay admitted to himself that his relationship with her was, at least, ridiculous. Well, it wasn't even a relationship – there were some dates, they had exchanged some kisses and that was the story. There was much more action in his youthful romances.

Moreover, he quickly understood that they didn't have anything in common and she was still very immature – okay, she was also half his age. If Admiral Janeway hadn't showed up and they had stayed lost in the Delta Quadrant, maybe things would have gone better between Seven and him.

Chakotay laughed sarcastically at the thought. This… thing would never have worked. So, basically, to hell with it! If he wanted to be honest with himself, he was terribly alone when Seven approached him. He succumbed to her as she stroked his wounded (by Kathryn, of course) ego but he never saw a future with her. Chakotay still couldn't believe there was an alternate timeline where they had been married. Maybe in that timeline, he had ended up like his grandfather – a crazy old man. He laughed again at this, louder and even more bitterly.

Returning to reality and in this particular timeline, he was in love with another woman and it was a completely different story.

Chakotay sighed now in frustration. Yes, he still loved Kathryn. Basically, he never stopped, even when their friendship or whatever was the weird connection they had was at its worst.

The last year of their journey was a true disaster for them as individuals and for what they had. It had been full of anxiety, aliens, disagreements and losses. They were totally fucked up.

Kathryn became slowly a different person through the years and he changed too –maybe, for the worse.

Nevertheless, he never got over her.

At first, Chakotay was very angry with her for not claiming him and letting him go but a few months after their return to Earth, a realization hit him very hard – he had no one but himself to blame.

He broke his promise to her; he wasn't by her side during the difficult times. He let her down when she needed him. At some point, he stopped making her burden lighter and started behaving more like the first officer of a federation starship and less like Kathryn's best friend.

Too much for his angry warrior legend and his stupid promises.

His girl… no, no it was stupid – his woman warrior has been through a lot. He could see it clearly now. The responsibilities, the blames, the deaths, the loneliness… It was a miracle she hadn't collapsed until now.

He failed her.

True, he grew tired of waiting for her and loving her. Suddenly, sixty years of loneliness were too many. And then, the affair with Seven… He closed his eyes briefly because of his shame.

"Spirits, it's Kathryn I'm talking about. I should never have behaved like this."

Their homecoming was nothing like he'd imagined.

He always believed that in the final moment of their journey he'd be next to her holding hands with her and looking towards Earth and their common future.

Kathryn had already known about Seven. Of course, she didn't say anything. She didn't try to change his mind, she wasn't even angry. She understood him and his ridiculous decision.

So, they didn't do anything too in order to change the things; they didn't act on their feelings. Damn, they didn't even acknowledge them.

Chakotay couldn't stop thinking about the same things over and over again.

He recalled, once again, the last time they were alone aboard Voyager. They were in her ready room talking about the Admiral and the facts in her timeline. They were both extremely nervous.

Suddenly, Kathryn congratulated him on his new relationship and wished him "the best of luck for the future" with a bright smile that didn't reach her glassy eyes and he just…. thanked her and wished her the best too. He was a coward. She was just Kathryn. His Kathryn – who knew better than everyone how to run away from her feelings.

"I should have kissed you then, Kathryn," Chakotay thought and sighed again.

He needed her. He knew he'd be happy and whole only with her.

She'd love this place, he thought then with a peaceful smile. The countryside looked very much like "their" planet, New Earth. The view from his house was spectacular. It was a blessed location – near to the city of San Francisco, but quite isolated too. It was everything she once told him she wanted about her future, their future. She should be there, with him.

His thoughts continued to war inside his head.

After their arrival, almost everyone was promoted. From the beginning, the Maquis were pardoned and treated like equals to the Federation guys. Chakotay was promoted to Captain but almost immediately he turned it down. Then, the Academy offered him a position as a professor and he was still thinking seriously of accepting it. He liked the idea to teach Anthropology to young cadets.

Kathryn was promoted to Admiral and he knew, even without any contact between them, that she wouldn't be very happy about it. She wouldn't like an office job, even after seven years in the Delta Quadrant. The woman was born an explorer. He didn't know what she'd decided to do, but she could have turned the promotion down.

During all these months, he'd realized how much he missed her – all of her. The husky voice, the extraordinary sense of humor, the stubbornness and the boldness, the auburn hair, the unique scent of coffee and jasmine … everything.

He had the feeling he couldn't be whole again without her by his side – talking, laughing, flirting, loving…

He tried.

Chakotay had tried to contact her in the first months of their arrival – to catch up with her, to have dinner together or whatever- but he had no success.

He wanted to talk to her – damn! He needed to be with her, they should be together. He didn't care a whit about the timelines and the bitter Admiral. His Kathryn was still different. The sparkle in her clear blue eyes was still there, under her armor and the strict expression on her beautiful face.

On the other hand, he has avoided everyone else since the debriefings were over. B'elanna, Ayala and some more people have tried to contact him repeatedly but he hasn't answered. He needed time to think and pity himself.

After a while, he stood up and wiped the tears from his eyes. He didn't realize he has been crying silently all this time. What was he supposed to do? How the hell would Kathryn forgive him? He'd lost his best friend and more than that, the only woman he really loved.

By the time Chakotay turned and went back to his house, it had started to rain.

It was late afternoon when the computer chimed. Chakotay was in the kitchen making tea. Normally he wouldn't accept the call but his instinct told him something was different this time.

When he answered, he saw Tom's familiar face. Chakotay was happy to see him after so many months.

Besides, his smile faded when he took in the other man's appearance. Paris didn't seem to be his usual self. His face was extremely pale and he had dark circles under his eyes. His expression was sad and very serious. He made no witty remarks and there wasn't the familiar twinkle in his baby blue eyes.

"Thank God! You answered," Tom exclaimed, obviously relieved.

"Well, nice to see you too, Paris," Chakotay answered uncomfortably, "what happened?"

Tom sighed and rolled his eyes. He seemed to be frustrated.

"We've been looking for you for a week or two! Where have you been, man?"

"We?" Chakotay repeated in wonder.

"Yeah, Chakotay! I'm talking about the senior staff of Voyager. The bad thing is that we don't know anything about your place. We don't have your coordinates, so we couldn't find your house. And we called and called… "

"How did you find my private number in the first place?"

"B'elanna contacted your sister and she helped us in a second, when we told her what this was about."

Chakotay was now concerned. "What's wrong, Tom?"

"Let's just say you picked a bad time to get lost, Chakotay," the other man sighed.

Chakotay was tired of the babbling man and more than that, he was afraid.

Something has gone terribly wrong, he thought.

"Okay, I got it. Now tell me, Paris," he hissed through his teeth.

Then, Tom took a deep breath and looked the other man in the eye before answering.

"It's about the Captain."