Disclaimers: Andrew W. Marlowe is a genius. While I don't own 'Castle,' I'd love to have a sit down with Mr. Marlowe for just an hour.
Title: Heartbreak and Hope
Summary: An unexpected event brings hope and then heartbreak to Kate and Castle as they try to help each other deal with the grief. This first chapter is rated M, but I'm not sure about the others.
A/N: While this story takes place after the events of 'Watershed,' it isn't a post-Watershed story. It is extremely heavy on the angst, but I promise that things will get better.
Chapter 1: How did this Happen?
Kate Beckett was in a daze as she walked down the corridor toward Castle's loft. She reached into her purse and removed the key that he'd given her just a few short weeks before. She put it into the lock and slowly turned it as she stepped into the apartment, leaning against the door after she closed it as she tried to gather her thoughts.
'How had this happened?' She thought to herself. 'Well, I know how it happened, but how had it happened now?'
It was early June. Usually Castle and his family would be in the Hamptons by now for the summer. But things had changed in the last year. Those changes had gotten crazier in the last few weeks. She glanced down at her left hand where her diamond engagement ring sparkled. Castle's proposal had taken her completely by surprise. It had forced her to make decisions as to what direction she wanted her life to go in. She'd been offered a position in Washington D.C. with the Attorney General's office. Castle had been so angry when he'd learned that she'd gone for the interview.
As she looked at Castle on his one knee in front of her swing, she was taken aback. "Are you doing this because you think that it'll keep me from taking the job?"
"Kate, I told you that I'm behind you in whatever you decide. I love you. If you take this next step, then I'll either follow you to D.C., or I'll hop on a plane and be with you as often as I can. I'd like to think that you'd want to hop on a plane when you can to also be with me."
"Do you think that we could do this?"
"I wouldn't be proposing to you if I didn't think we could do this. It's a hurdle in our relationship. It might be the first major one, but I'm sure that it won't be the last. So, will you marry me?" He repeated the question.
Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at the ring that he was holding out toward her. It was beautiful; simple, yet elegant. She wondered how long he'd been planning this. "Can I ask you something? Was this spur of the moment because of the D.C. job?"
"I bought the ring right after the bomb scare. Living through that made me see that I don't want a life without you in it."
"Rick, I'm not ready to say yes just yet. Can you hold onto the ring for me?" He looked so crushed as he slowly put the ring in his pants pocket and stood up. "Please don't be angry, Castle."
That had been a month before. While he'd been understandably upset for several days, he'd gradually come to realize that she'd told him that she just needed time. She hadn't flat out told him 'no.'
Besides, she had other things to consider besides Castle and his proposal. It seemed that everybody and their brother were anxious for her decision regarding the job in D.C. She sat in her apartment one night weighing the pros and cons, like her father had always told her as she was growing up. She made her final decision the night before Castle was scheduled to leave for the Hamptons with Martha and Alexis.
"Where's your mother and Alexis?" She asked as Castle let her into the loft.
"They left earlier today. I told them that I'd drive up there tomorrow. Are you sure that you can't join us for our first weekend?"
"I'd love to, but I have so much paperwork to catch up on. Plus, I have to go to court next week, so I have to prepare for that. I'll try to come up next weekend," she got up and walked into the kitchen.
Castle noticed that she seemed nervous, but he wasn't sure why. He wondered if she'd come to a decision about the job offer in D.C. "Kate, are you okay?" He finally asked.
"Castle, ask me again," she looked at him as he looked puzzled. "The ring. Ask me again."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm very sure," she smiled.
"Hold on. I'll be right back," he hurried out of the room before returning seconds later with his hand closed tight over the ring and a huge smile on his face. He entered the kitchen and once again got down on one knee as her eyes filled with tears. "Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"
"Yes," she whispered as tears spilled down her cheeks as he slid the ring onto her left hand as she helped him to his feet as she cupped his face in her hands and kissed him, his tears of joy mingling with hers.
"What about D.C.?"
"I turned them down," she wrapped her arms around him as they shared a tender kiss. "My place is right here with you and my team."
She smiled as she remembered the tenderness of that night. After she'd accepted his proposal, he'd swept her into his arms and had carried her off to bed. It had been long after midnight they finally fell back, exhausted, in Castle's bed.
"So, when do you want to get married?" She held her hand up to admire her ring.
"May 7th of next year," he said without thinking.
"May 7th?"
"May 7th was the night that you showed up on my doorstep looking like a drowned rat telling me that you just wanted me."
"You're so sentimental, Castle," she smiled in the darkness.
"Would you like a big fancy wedding or something simpler?"
She propped herself up on one elbow so that she could see his face. "Well, you're my one and done, Castle. I don't necessarily need all of the bells and whistles like Ryan and Jenny had, but I was thinking that we could get married in the Hamptons. Make a huge event out of it."
"So, you have no problem with our wedding being plastered all over Page 6?"
"Just this once I won't mind sharing us with the rest of the world."
She wondered how he'd take this latest wrinkle. It wasn't like they hadn't talked about it. But, to have it happening now? She'd been on the pill since she was 17 years old. Of course she knew that nothing was 100 percent effective. She ran her hand over her still flat stomach and thought about how she was going to tell Castle.
"I thought I heard you come in," Castle came out of his office where he'd been working on the latest chapter of his newest Nikki Heat book. "Did you get your errands done?" He walked over and kissed her.
"Yeah."
"Are you hungry? I was thinking that we could order Chinese or Thai," he went to the kitchen to get something to drink.
The thought of food suddenly made her feel nauseous. "I'm not hungry."
"Are you okay?" He turned from the refrigerator to look at her.
"I'm fine, I'm just not very hungry right now."
"I could always whip something up later. Some pancakes or maybe an omelet," he suggested as he continued watching her. Something wasn't quite right with her. He'd sensed it for days now.
While she wasn't a morning person until after she'd had her first cup of coffee, lately it had been nearly impossible to rouse her from sleep when the alarm went off. Even at work she seemed unfocused and half-asleep most of the time. "I'm going to go take a shower," she suddenly announced as she went toward his bedroom.
He frowned as he watched her leave the room. He wondered if she was sick. Lately she looked so pale even after spending a recent weekend with him at the house in the Hamptons. Usually after a day spent on the beach, her skin glowed with a bronze tint that he found irresistible. Instead her skin still had that winter pallor to it.
He went to his bedroom to see if maybe she needed someone to wash her back. However, when he entered the room, he heard the sound of Kate being violently ill in the bathroom. "Kate!" He called out.
"I'll be out in a few minutes!" She called out from behind the closed door.
Instead of leaving, he opened the bathroom door and barged in, striding over to where she was hunched over in front of the toilet, her body heaving as nothing else came up. He reached up to his linen shelf and removed a washcloth, which he soaked in cold water. He knelt down and placed the cloth on the back of her neck as she took some deep breaths. "Are you done?" He asked as he kept the cloth pressed to her neck.
"I think so," she breathed as he reached out to flush the toilet before helping her to her feet. She walked over to the sink on unsteady legs as he kept a hand on her elbow to assist her. Cupping cold water in her hands, she rinsed her mouth out and brushed her teeth as she continued taking slow breaths to fight down the nausea that was still bubbling in her stomach.
"Come on, let me help you to bed and I'll get you some ginger ale," he guided her to the bedroom where he turned back the covers and helped her get settled. He removed her shoes as he pulled the covers over her. "Keep that cloth on your neck. I'll be back in a few minutes."
"Castle?" She called out as he turned in the doorway.
"What do you need?"
"We need to talk," she sighed wearily as she closed her eyes.
Castle went into the kitchen and pulled a glass down before filling it with ginger ale. Kate's eyes were still closed as he placed the glass on the night stand by the bed. He sat down and brushed a gentle hand on her forehead as she opened her eyes and gave him a tired smile.
"You don't have a fever," he commented as he continued stroking her forehead. "Did you eat something that didn't agree with you?"
"Not exactly," she reached up to still his hand. "Castle, the errand that I had today . . . was with my OB/GYN. Castle, I'm pregnant."
Castle's whole face lit up in the biggest grin she'd ever seen on his face since she'd known him. The look could only be described as pure, unadulterated joy. "You're pregnant? We're having a baby? How . . . how did this happen?"
"If you don't know the 'how' by now, then we need to have a serious talk. I know it's a little sudden, but—"
"So, I guess it means that when we get married next May, we'll have a baby in tow," he grinned as she couldn't help but get caught up in his excitement. "Do you know when we're due?"
"The doctor said I'm only about six or seven weeks along, so she's given me a tentative date of late February or early March. She said she should know more in a month or so. I think it happened after your original proposal."
"When can we tell everybody? Just think our kid and Kevin's kid can play together when they get older," he said, referring to Detective Kevin Ryan, who was expecting his first child at the end of the year.
"Castle, it's early. I've heard that it's bad luck to say anything until after the first trimester. Please don't say anything, yet. Not even to your mother or Alexis."
"So, we can plan on telling everybody around Labor Day?" He looked at her as she nodded. "I can't believe that I actually knocked you up!"
"Castle!" She pretended to scold him as he wrapped her into his arms as he smothered her face with kisses. "Try to cheer up about it, would you?"
"How do you feel about it?" He rose up to look into her eyes.
She gave him an enigmatic little smile as she thought about it. "I think I'm still in shock. I thought that I had everything covered."
"Are you sorry that it happened?" He looked slightly worried.
"No, I'm not sorry. I would've preferred to wait a little while, but seeing how happy you are makes it so worth it," she smiled as he gave her that huge grin again.
"How are you feeling?" He asked, as his eyes radiated his concern for her.
"I'm a little tired," she smiled.
"Why don't you get some rest and I'll whip up some comfort food that won't upset your stomach any further?" He kissed her forehead as he got up and patted the blanket over her still flat tummy.
"You're not going to start calling my stomach by silly names, are you, Castle? Because if you start doing that, I might have to take out my gun and shoot you," she threatened.
"No silly names, I promise," he kissed her. "I'll bring you something to eat in just a few minutes."
She rolled onto her side, smiling broadly as she put her hand on her stomach, still finding it hard to believe that there was a new life growing in there. She wondered if Castle had been that excited over Alexis' impending arrival. She knew that she couldn't have picked a better man to be the father of her child. At times, he acted like a big overgrown kid himself. She closed her eyes as she thought of this small miracle. She wondered who the baby would look like. Thinking of things like that, she drifted off to sleep.
When Castle entered the bedroom 20 minutes later carrying a tray holding tomato soup, and a grilled cheese sandwich, he paused by her side of the bed as he watched her sleep, that same Mona Lisa smile still on her face. Sensing that she was being watched, she opened her eyes. "Watching me sleep is creepy, Castle," she told him as he put the tray down on the night stand.
"I brought you some soup and grilled cheese," he informed her as she sat up and he placed the tray across her lap.
"This is perfect. Thank you," she said as she began to eat. "Can I ask you a question?"
"What's on your mind?"
"Were you this excited when you learned that Meredith was pregnant with Alexis?"
"Once I got used to the idea, I was very excited."
"I think you've perfected the art of the oops," she grinned at him, referring to the fact that Alexis had been unplanned, also.
"But, look how great Alexis turned out. If this baby turns out even half as great as Alexis, it's going to be great. I can't get over how happy I am right now, Kate. Words can't even describe it. Right now I want to go on the rooftop and shout it out or go to Times Square and announce it on the billboard."
Tears leaked from her eyes at his heartfelt words. She wiped at her face with shaking fingers. "Wow, Castle. You're either getting incredibly sappy or I am."
"It's pregnancy hormones," he told her. "Before it's all said and done, you're going to think that you're losing your mind."
"What're you talking about?"
"Ask your doctor. Or we can go look it up on the Internet right now. Are you done?" He nodded toward her tray.
"Yeah," she nodded as he picked up the tray.
After he left with the tray, she got out of bed and made her way to the living room. "When Meredith was pregnant, she'd burst into tears if I even looked at her the wrong way," he smiled at her. "I was a slave to her hormones for the entire pregnancy."
"You're already a slave to me," she whispered as he fought back a groan at the look in her eyes.
"Yes, I am. To your incredible charms," he whispered back as she rolled her eyes.
She went and retrieved her ginger ale from the bedroom as he poured himself a glass of wine. Afterwards he took Kate by the hand and led her over to his desk where he booted up his laptop. Perching her on his lap, he did a Google search for pregnancy websites. For the next two hours they read everything they could find about hormones, what she should be eating, exercise, sex. "Castle, there's no way that you're going to want me when I'm as big as a whale," she complained as he kissed her neck.
"The last time Meredith and I had sex was four days before Alexis was born," he nuzzled her skin between her neck and her collarbone as shivers went down her spine.
"I don't want to hear about sex between you and your ex-wife, Castle," she warned him.
"Just don't tell me that I'm not going to want you," he pulled her against his chest as she rested her head on his shoulder.
"What time is it?" She yawned as she buried her nose in his neck, inhaling his scent.
"Almost nine."
"I'm feeling a little tired. I think I'm going to go take a shower and go to bed. Are you coming?" She asked as she climbed off of his lap.
"Yeah, I'll be right there," he said as he shut down the computer and closed the lid.
When she came out of the shower a short time later, he was lying in bed waiting for her. He smiled as she approached the bed, wearing one of his football jerseys and a pair of panties. She climbed into bed as he pulled the covers over her. "Did you use that cherry body wash again? You know what that stuff does to me," he growled as he rolled them so that he was propped up over her, his eyes dark blue with desire.
"You're actually going to use what kind of body wash I used tonight as an excuse? Castle, I look into your eyes when I'm working on reports and can tell that you want to drag me into the supply room and fuck me silly."
"Am I that obvious?" He feigned shock as she started laughing.
"Castle, I'm a detective, remember? I know all of your tells, just like you know all of mine. But, I thought that you might want to celebrate."
"But, for the record, I don't have any intention of fucking you silly," he said, quoting her. "I intend to very slowly and very tenderly, make love to you."
"I'm on board for that," she smiled up at him as his mouth came down on hers for a long tender kiss.
His lips were scorching hot as they brushed her jaw, her throat, the sensitive spot behind her ear before moving back to her lips. His teeth gently nipped her bottom lip as she opened her mouth to his seeking tongue. She moaned as he kissed her hungrily, his tongue seeming to be everywhere. She swiped her own tongue along his as he growled into her mouth. His breathing was harsh as he once again began making his way down her body, gently nibbling on her collarbone as he reached under her nightshirt and up to caress her breasts. "Castle," she breathed as she felt her nipple harden under his fingers.
He lifted the hem of her shirt and raised it up and over her head as she rose up to ease its removal. His eyes glittered with desire as he admired her naked torso. Even her scars didn't mar her beauty. He lightly trailed his finger from her throat down to the top of her panties as she bit back a whimper. He then repeated the same move in reverse. He moved down to cover her breast with his mouth as her breath hitched in her throat. She held his head tighter to her as he flicked the erect bud with his tongue, feeling it get even more erect under his ministrations. He then moved to her other nipple as she writhed under him.
She reached for him, stroking him through his boxers as it was his turn for his breath to hitch. She wrapped her hand around him and stroked him, letting her thumb brush against his velvety tip on the down stroke. "Fuck, Kate," he breathed against her breast as he brushed his hand down her stomach, rubbing it lightly as he thought of the life that was now sleeping inside of her. After rubbing small concentric circles on her stomach, he moved his hand between her legs, touching her through her panties as she let out a sharp cry.
"Castle, I want you," she breathed as she stilled the hand that was touching her. "Please."
Sliding her panties down her legs before shedding his boxers, he positioned himself above her, aligning their bodies perfectly as he slid into smooth, velvety warmth with one thrust. She wrapped herself around him as she moved her hips in time to his. "I'm so close, Castle. So fucking close," she panted into his neck as he tilted her hips up, changing the angle of the penetration as she cried out his name as she came completely undone.
Hearing her scream out his name repeatedly as she tightened around him was all the incentive that he needed. He thrust into her a couple of more times as he spilled his seed into her, growling her name the entire time.
She groaned in disappointment when she felt him slip out of her before he rolled over to the other side of the bed and pulled her into the circle of his arms. "I love you, Kate," he whispered as he snuggled her closer to him.
"Love you, too," she murmured sleepily as her breathing evened out and she fell fast asleep.
As he held her before he too fell asleep, he couldn't help but think about this new chapter in their lives. He went to sleep dreaming of a baby girl with Kate's brilliant smile and huge green eyes. He had no idea that he was soon to learn a harsh lesson about being careful what you wish for.
