AN: *crystal_rose smacks RebaJean in the face with her gauntlet* We-ladysolo and crystal_rose-accept your challenge and have come up with this little tidbit. So, dear reader, if you've got a low threshold for craziness and immaturity, I say you hit the back button right now and save the flame for RJ, because if you flame either one of us, we guarantee that we'll flame your ass back so fast, you'll be left wondering if the burning sensation you're feeling is from the chili you just ingested, or because you haven't washed down there in days. If you think you've got the sickest sense of humour-one that can rival ours-then by all means, scroll down and have a bucket ready to catch all the pee that you're guaranteed to expel in reading this story.
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Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers
By: crystal_rose and ladysolo
Prologue
Three masked figures carefully stepped out of the rowboat, the tallest one unceremoniously tossing out one large burlap sack before being followed by a much smaller one onto the sandy shore.
"Oof!" The tall figure grinned mercilessly behind her mask as the groan was heard from the larger sack.
"Was all this really necessary?" the shortest of the three commented, gesturing to the two sacks on the beach. "I mean, knocking them out was one thing, stuffing them into burlap sacks as if they were potatoes is another."
"Aw, you're too soft, Blue Balls." The figure that spoke whipped off her balaclava, her raven hair tumbling down past her waist, and poked at the smaller bundle with her foot, eliciting a slight groan from within. She grinned wickedly. This was proving to be real fun. "They asked for this, Balls. For months, we've begged them to stop with their petty bickering but did they listen? No. When we threatened to lock them up under lock and key, what did they do? They laughed and called us on our bluff. Which takes us to this moment. A month by themselves will be just the thing they need to get all this hostility out of their systems."
The smaller one also took her balaclava off and shook her short, blue hair. She looked unconvinced. "But Green Giant...what are they gonna eat?"
"Phew! These things are damn hot!" The tallest one pulled the wool mask covering her face and smiled as she felt the cool ocean breeze ruffling her ponytail. "Don't worry about the food, Balls. Alpha Dog and Mellow Yellow came out here two days ago and stocked up the cave with food and stuff. Although, with those two, you never know..."
As if on cue, two flashes of light were seen from a speedboat docked offshore. The black-haired girl scowled. "C'mon you two. Alpha Dog's getting impatient. Help me get these two out of the sacks."
"Aye aye, Red Hots." The girl known as Green Giant jovially saluted and went to her work, untying the rope holding the larger sack closed. He had put up quite a struggle before he was knocked out with a well-placed blow to the back of the head with a cast-iron frying pan. She was quite impressed with Blue Balls for hitting him hard enough to knock him out without drawing any blood.
Blue Balls and Red Hots opened the smaller bundle and dumped a small blonde girl out of the sack. Her hair, which had reached the backs of her calves only a few hours before, was now cut to her shoulders.
"Red, was it really necessary to cut her hair like this?" Blue asked anxiously. She lifted up two braids lying at the bottom of the sack under the unconscious girls' feet.
Red Hots snickered. "No, but it sure was fun." She blushed as Blue Balls crossed her arms across her chest. "I did her a favour, Blue. She had too many split ends."
The light flashed again, only this time it was accompanied by two sharp blasts of an air horn. The girls exchanged looks of annoyance and pulled the bodies further up the shore. After having taken care of...er, some minor details that had them blushing to the roots of their hair but grinning wickedly all the same, they dashed back to the beach and hopped into the rowboat.
"You know, it's gonna be awful quiet in Juuban without the constant background noise that is Usagi-chan and Mamoru-san arguing as usual," Blue Balls commented almost a little wistfully. She paused, thinking about the past few months and shrugged. "Oh well, I guess I'll just have to deal."
"It won't be easy, but somehow I'll manage," Red Hots added dramatically, letting go of an oar momentarily to place a hand over her heart. Green Giant kicked her in the shin when the oar almost fell into the water. "OW! That hurt, you ass-sniffing whore!"
Green Giant laughed out loud, reveling in the fact that Red Hots would soon have a blackish purple bruise to match her hair. She smiled unrepentantly. "Sorry bout that. Blame it on my reflexes." They rowed in silence, fighting against the current. "Remind me to kick Alpha Dog in his nut sack when we get back to the boat. I'll bet you anything he's just sitting on his ass, making out with Mellow Yellow."
"You're just jealous, GG. You know you wanted him first," taunted Red, still sore about her sore shin.
"Oh shut up you two-day old puddle of piss! And don't talk as if you didn't want Mamoru," retorted Green Giant, daring her to deny it when everyone knew that she had had his picture scanned onto a pair of her panties. She got that picture by hiding behind a tree for two hours, waiting for Mamoru to jog by. He almost punched her lights out when she popped out and snapped a photo just as he poured water on his sweaty self. It was Usagi's lame excuse that had saved Rei's ass from being beaten to a bloody pulp; she told Mamoru that she had wanted to test the powers of voodoo by sticking needles in his eyes. Hey, it was lame and the three of them knew it. Mamoru threw the girls one of his 'Sure, and I'm Tuxedo Kamen' looks and jogged away, but not before pulling on Usagi's pigtail.
Red Hots, recalling that embarrassing moment, responded in the only manner she knew how: she blew a raspberry with all her might, her tongue flapping proudly in the wind.
And so, the three co-conspirators rowed away from the island, unbeknownst to the two people asleep in each other's arms...
Chapter 1
Usagi stirred under the bedspread, wondering why her mattress had suddenly turned rock-hard in the middle of the night. She lay on her back, keeping her eyes closed, hoping that Luna hadn't noticed she was already awake and would begin nagging her to go to school.
'It's so hot,' she thought, throwing off the covers and opening her eyes only to close them again to block out the harsh light of the sun. 'What the fuck? Where did my roof go?'
A seagull flew above her head, squawking in the annoying way only seagulls knew how, before diving into the ocean that was looming in Usagi's peripheral vision. Usagi dug her knuckles into her eyes furiously, trying to rub the sleep out of them. She opened her eyes, knowing full well that she would find herself back in her room, in her nice, cozy bed, with the most annoying cat in the world preaching the importance of waking up early and eating a well-balanced breakfast.
The same seagull soared past her vision only this time carrying a small fish in its mouth...
And suddenly, she realized that she wasn't in her room and she wasn't sleeping in her bed. She turned her head slowly, almost afraid of what she would find.
"OH MY GOD!" she shrieked, scrambling out of what she now identified as Mina's double sleeping bag, the Sailor V insignia giving it away immediately. She paused mid-shriek, wondering what on earth Mina needed a double sleeping bag for. Serena made a mental note to ask Mina about that when she saw her-that is, after she finished the massive attack she would launch on her former friend's ass.
"Who pulled the fire alarm?" mumbled Mamoru sleepily from beneath the sleeping bag. His head emerged, his eyes covered in a braided yellow rope. "What the fuck is this?" he grumbled, yanking it off and throwing it down on the sand. That was when he noticed her standing there, gaping at him. "What're you doing in my room, Odango?"
"Look around, stupid. We're not in Tokyo anymore." Usagi gestured around her wildly. Mamoru's eyes widened, but it wasn't in astonishment of the scenery she was pointing at. In fact, his eyes never moved from the moment he saw her. "What the hell are you looking at?" she snapped.
"You're-you're naked." It was Usagi's turn for her eyes to widen as she looked down to verify his words. She screamed and attempted to pull the sleeping bag away from Mamoru before screaming again.
"You're naked too!"
Mamoru opened his mouth in a wordless scream and violently yanked away the sleeping bag from Usagi's clutches. They both stared at each other as they each held a corner until Usagi noticed that a small package (not what you're thinking) had fallen out of the sleeping bag.
Without warning, she let go of her side, causing Mamoru to tumble over backwards on the sand. Mamoru, grimacing at the thought of having sand up his butt-crack, stood up and covered his private area with BOTH hands. Mamoru smirked proudly at the thought before joining Usagi on the sleeping bag, their nakedness forgotten for the moment.
"What's that you got there?" he asked. Usagi looked ready to retort with her usual brand of sarcasm but thought better of it when Mamoru sat down beside her, naked as the day he was born. She blushed and looked away, but not before stealing a glance at Mamoru's...hands.
'Rats,' she thought. She opened the bundle up and peered inside. "Let's see. Look, there's a note!" She snatched the piece of paper from the plastic bag and unfolded it.
"What does it say?" Usagi cast him an annoyed stare.
"I was just about to read it out loud so if you could shut your pie-hole, I'd be much obliged." Mamoru rolled his eyes but said nothing, motioning her to continue. Usagi cleared her throat and began to read. "'Dear guys, well, I guess by now, you've both discovered that you're all alone on the island with nothing but the bare necessities.'"
Mamoru snorted. "Motoki," he uttered under his breath before turning back to his arch nemesis. "I bet you never knew your little crush was such a pun whore."
Mamoru was almost positive he could see steam coming out of her ears. "I never liked him _that_ way, baka! He's going out with _Mina_ so that just kills any desire I've ever had for him. He's like a brother to me!" She narrowed her eyes into slits and went back to the letter. "Anyway, as I was saying before I was so _rudely_ interrupted, 'dear guys, blah, blah, blah...ah yes. If you look in the bag, there's some stuff we thought you'd need but use them sparingly, you're stuck on that island for a month.'"
She paused, going over what she just read. "A MONTH?!?!?!"
She jumped up and shook her fist toward the sea. "Damn you Motoki! You stupid, smelly cow face! When I see you again, you better pray Mamoru holds me back because I'm gonna castrate you and stuff your severed appendage up your ASS!"
"I'm afraid I can't hold you back, Odango, because I want some ass-kicking action myself." Mamoru stood up and faced the sea as well. "And when I'm done with Motoki, I'm gonna turn to your hell raiser friends and make sure they die virgins, although I'm not too sure about your girlfriend. I've read stories about her plastered all over the men's washroom wall at your arcade, you horny bastard!"
"Me too! She may be my friend, but she's a slut! You hear me, Aino Minako? A SLUT!!"
When she finished her futile name-calling, (she knew Mina wasn't the slut written about on the walls for she had snuck in there one day and written them herself to be directed at a girl she didn't particularly like) Usagi turned to Mamoru, realizing that a new understanding had been forged between them. Since they were stuck on this god-forsaken island for a month, they would have to rely upon each other to get them through it so that they wreak vengeance on their so-called friends.
Usagi solemnly stuck her hand out and Mamoru shook it, knowing instinctively what it was he was agreeing to.
"Let's see what else is in that bag," he suggested after repressing his murderous rage. They walked back to the fallen bag and peered inside. Mamoru lifted up a skimpy scrap of cloth and stared at it dubiously. "What the _hell_ is this?"
Usagi glanced at the letter before choking out a laugh. "Apparently, it's a loincloth for you."
"For me?" Mamoru squeaked. He knew some men liked to wear such things and he thought of himself as an open-minded individual but he was Tuxedo Kamen, dammit! He had a reputation of sexiness and mystique that he had to maintain, confound it! The cheesy, faux fur, leopard-print loincloth just didn't say 'I can kick ass without breaking a sweat and still look good enough to take you dancing.' He lifted up the loincloth in distaste and looked at the heavens. Didn't his heroic deeds count for _something_?
"Hey, what are you going to wear? You can't walk around here naked for a month, although I sure as hell wouldn't mind. Who knew you had that much breast under that uniform?" Usagi gave an outraged gasp and hid behind the plastic bag.
"And who knew you had so little to hide under those lavender pants?" she retorted. They exchanged looks of pure venom until Usagi took a deep breath, silently telling herself to be the better person and call a truce. "Ok, let's get our priorities straight. If we kill each other now, we won't be able to kill Motoki and the girls. We've gotta work together if we want them dead and roasting in the fiery depths of hell where they belong."
Mamoru looked at her admiringly. "I like the way you think, Odango." He pulled out a string bikini. "I'm guessing this is yours," he said dryly.
They started pulling out more things from the bag. "Oh, those bastards," fumed Usagi, holding up one roll of toilet paper. "At least it's two ply."
"We're gonna have to stretch that roll out to last us a month. Maybe we could pull it apart so that it becomes one ply." Usagi looked like she wanted to cry for a second before she gulped and smiled weakly. She pulled out a toothbrush.
"Where's the other one? And where's the toothpaste?" She searched through the bag and came up with nothing. "I HATE THIS!"
That was when Mamoru noticed something different about Usagi. No, it wasn't the fact that she was sitting in front of him, naked as can be; it was something else. His eyes widened. "Oh my God, Odango! Those whores cut your hair!"
She gasped and turned her head to look at her shoulder. Sure enough, her hair had been ruthlessly chopped to just brush the nape of her neck. Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought of the hair she had been growing since she was a little girl. They spilled over as she thought about Sailor Moon without her famous odangos. Would Tuxedo Kamen recognize her without them?
"Rei did this," she whispered, knowing that the raven-haired girl was responsible for committing this heinous act. "She's always been jealous of my hair. I hate her. I HATE YOU, HINO REI!" She collapsed against Mamoru, forgetting that he, too, was her enemy. He patted her back consolingly and let her cry for her hair. It was a shame too; he had always loved her hair and loved teasing her about it even more. "I'm not Odango anymore," she sobbed.
"Of course you are. You'll always be Odango to me."
"I will?"
"Yes. I can't think of you without the words Odango Atama coming to mind."
"I don't know if this is a good thing, or a bad thing."
"It's a thing, that's enough. Do you feel better now?"
"No." Usagi picked up the fallen braid that Mamoru had discarded and found the other one inside their sleeping bag. "I won't be happy until this," she pulled the braids taut, "is wrapped securely around Rei's neck and she's turning a lovely shade of blue from lack of oxygen."
"I'll lend you a hand when the time comes." Mamoru rooted through the bag and held up a TV Guide. "Those sons of bitches," he breathed incredulously.
"What's that?"
"It's this month's TV Guide. This is Motoki's doing, that apron-wearing cow. He knows there was a documentary on The Discovery Channel about amoebas that I wanted to watch this month." He flipped through the pages before throwing it down in rage. "I HATE YOU MOTOKIIIIIII!!!" he shouted to the sky.
Usagi stifled a giggle and looked down at the discarded TV Guide. Sure enough, Amoebas: The Underrated Organism was encircled with a bold, red marker. A thought struck her and she picked up the TV Guide and followed Mamoru's example.
What she saw made her bite her lip to hold back the expletives threatening to burst forth. Crazy Fun Challenge Hour, a program she had been longing to see since its conception the summer before, was outlined in orange marker.
"MINAAAAAA!!!" She dashed to the beach and dove into the waves, ignoring the cold water as it washed over her body. She barely registered the fact that Mamoru dove in after her and was pulling her back to shore.
"I'm gonna get you for this Mina! I know this crazy scheme was your idea!" Usagi shouted to some unknown point on the horizon. Mamoru had to duck her flying arms before finally managing to pin them to her sides.
"Calm down, Odango! We'll get them soon enough!" He tossed her the string bikini. "Here, put this on behind that bush and I'll put this piece of crap behind that one."
Usagi and Mamoru went to their designated bushes to change, although neither saw the point as the items they were changing into could fit into Usagi's tiny fist. Mamoru could see Usagi struggling to tie the bikini around her back through the leaves and shook his head, blocking out the mental pictures. Well, they were more like memories because he's already seen her wares and he liked. He looked down. Oh boy, did he like.
'Think pure thoughts, think pure thoughts,' he chanted mentally. He used his right foot to scratch his left calf absentmindedly. He glanced down at the leopard print loincloth. He was _definitely_ gonna have to kill Motoki for this. He scratched his calf again.
'What the hell is that?' he wondered when he felt a searing heat shoot up his leg and blanched. Hordes of red ants were trailing up both his legs, occasionally stopping to take a bite. "ANTS!" he screeched, briskly trying to brush them off. Of course, the tenacious little devils only took that opportunity to migrate to his arms and hung on for the ride by using their surprisingly sharp teeth.
Usagi snapped her head up just as Mamoru ran screaming at the top of his lungs towards the water. 'What's his problem?' She finished the last knot and followed him to investigate.
"Die, you motherfuckers!" Mamoru was rolling around in the shallow water. Usagi just gaped at him, wondering if she was going to have to spend an entire month with a schizophrenic.
Mamoru finally emerged from the water with the sourest expression on his face. "What happened?" Usagi questioned.
"Ants."
"Ants?"
"Ants. I was changing behind a bush that conveniently hid an anthill full of the little bastards. I'm almost convinced their Motoki the Wonder Cow put it there with me in mind." Mamoru paused in his tirade to scratch his arms, which only looked slightly better than his legs. She turned around so Mamoru wouldn't see her laughing, but it was no use.
"HAHAHAHA!!" The tears streamed from her eyes and she leaned on a tree balance. "It's a good thing that loincloth repelled them from your 'package.' Oh no, maybe it wasn't the loincloth's doing; it was the smell."
"Oh I wouldn't be making fun of _my_ outfit if I were you, Odango."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Only that your string bikini has more string in it than it does bikini. Were you aware that you're wearing a thong? Oh wait, it's not a thong; your ass crack's just eating up the rest of your bikini bottoms."
Usagi turned around slowly and cast him a sly grin. "Oh course it's a thong. The girls know that I wear thongs constantly." She winked cheekily at his astonished face. "They make me feel naughty."
Mamoru gulped. "Oh yeah, then how come I've never seen those thongs whenever I looked up your skirt?"
Usagi's face turned red from a mixture of embarrassment and anger. "YOU ECCHI, NO-GOOD HENTAI!"
"ME? I'm not a hentai! I was just saying that to provoke you and as usual, you took the bait. You really are an Odango."
Usagi screamed in rage and lunged at Mamoru, only to trip over an exposed root. She fell and grabbed the first thing she saw: Mamoru's loincloth. Usagi lay facedown on the hot sand, clutching the tiny cloth in her hand.
"Uggh," she groaned. She saw Mamoru step closer to her and leaned down slightly. The sun was behind him, casting Mamoru in a dark shadow.
"Here, let me help you up," he said tiredly, stretching his hand out to her.
Without thinking, Usagi reached up blindly and took hold of what she thought was his hand and pulled herself up.
"EEEEAAAAHHHH!" Mamoru sure had a pair of vocal chords on him. Usagi's eyes widened as she saw exactly _what_ it was she was holding onto. Her face turned several shades of red and she dropped IT immediately.
"I'm sorry Mamoru, I thought that was your hand," she explained, not taking her eyes off IT. They were locked in a staring contest, IT winning because of ITS magical hypnotic powers. Again, without thinking, she bent down to get a closer look.
"Uh, do you _mind_?" Usagi noticed that Mamoru had turned beet red and was frowning intently, as if he was in pain.
"Oh sorry," she mumbled and looked away. An evil thought struck her and before she lost her nerve, decided to act on it.
With panther-like strides, she advanced on Mamoru, who at the moment, looked like a scared gazelle separated from its herd.
"What are you thinking, Odango?" he asked nervously. She grinned, he gulped.
"Me?" Usagi ran her index finger down Mamoru's chest and leaned closer so that her mouth was right up to his ear. "Are you sure you wanna know?"
Mamoru fought to suppress the shiver that wanted to run down his spine. So, the little girl wanted to play. He'll show Odango what happens to people who tease. He pulled her closer to him, enjoying the shocked gasp that escaped her lips. She obviously wasn't expecting him to do that.
"I think I have a good idea," he murmured, nuzzling her ear. His hand trailed down to her bikini bottoms and played with the waistband. He almost laughed when he felt Usagi tremble.
"Uh, Mamoru, what're you doing?" Her voice shook unmistakably.
"This." In one swift move, Mamoru pulled the waistband an inch away from her skin and snapped it.
"OW!"
(CR: if I made her thong break, she'd have to go commando all month and that's just yucky. Imagine all that sand going up her hootchy. LS: *dies laughing* Commandddoooo? bwhahhaa)
Mamoru threw back his head and laughed maniacally. Usagi fumed, rubbing her offended bottom and kicked sand at him. When that did nothing to stop his laughter, she picked up a thick, brown vine that she saw out of the corner of her eye to whip him with.
Usagi almost crowed in triumph when she saw Mamoru's eyes widen in terror. She whirled the vine confidently above her head, satisfied that the heavy weight would turn Mamoru's loincloth-covered ass redder than Mars' fuku.
"Usagi! Are you stupid or something? Put that snake down!"
Usagi blanched and snuck a glance at the 'vine' in her hand. She blinked, wondering for a brief second why said vine had two slits resembling eyes and a tiny, forked tongue darting in and out of its mouth. The distinct hiss immediately answered all of Usagi's questions and she hurled it away from her, almost hitting Mamoru in the face as it flew past.
Once again, Mamoru erupted in a high-pitched scream, and without thinking, gathered their plastic bag of useless crap and his loincloth-although he was sorely tempted to leave that particular item behind to fend for itself-threw Usagi over his shoulder and ran for dear life. The disgruntled snake took one look at them (well, maybe not look because snakes can't see but you get the idea) and slithered back under the rock he called home.
"MAMORU, PUT ME DOWN!" Usagi screeched, thoroughly enjoying the way Mamoru's butt muscles clenched as he ran. 'You could bounce a feather off that ass,' she thought, pondering over how he had managed to acquire such a fine piece of ass seemingly overnight-not that she ever checked before, of course. Normally, she wasn't a ass person but she had to admit that if she ever was, Mamoru's ass had set the standard for all asses. Maybe the lavender pants distracted her from...appreciating his assets. She smiled childishly at the pun.
Mamoru, totally winded from his run, stopped when he saw a cave looming from behind some trees. He set Usagi down on her feet, ignoring the exasperated "humph" from the petite girl whom he knew could cause more damage to his mental state than listening to an entire collection of Celine Dion's repertoire.
"Hey, what's that?" Usagi wondered, belatedly pointing to the cave. He supposed he couldn't blame her for not seeing the cave beforehand, seeing as how she was being carried upside down and all, but it was still fun to try.
"Barbie's Dream House," he replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes for good measure. Ah, that's the stuff.
"Bite me."
"Don't say it if you don't mean it." Usagi narrowed her eyes dangerously and yanked the note away from his hands as he struggled to put the loincloth back on. She hoped she just gave him the mother of all paper cuts and that it would fester into one of those huge, pus-filled balls of grossness one couldn't help but pick, despite warnings not to do so. Was it possible to die from a paper cut? Usagi fervently hoped so, so she could snack on his carcass guilt-free while she waited for THEM to come get her at month's end.
"It says here that those traitors have stocked a cave full of stuff to live on for the month," she said, eyes scanning the note and not on how strapping Mamoru looked in his little outfit, emphasis being on little.
"This must be it, then. C'mon, let's have a look around,." Mamoru said, leading the way. It was just like Mamoru to pull the caveman routine on her, especially now that he was dressed like Tarzan. Perhaps the loincloth had its drawbacks after all.
Inside, they found a flat, rock platform , almost like an altar, they supposed would double as their bed and table for the duration of their stay. At the foot of the "bed" was a wooden chest full of what looked like a change of clothing. Grinning, they dashed to the box and dug out its contents. Perhaps Motoki and the girls had decided to show them mercy after all by leaving them something decent to wear.
Usagi and Mamoru scowled as they each held up a shirt and realized that no, their "friends" had not decided to show them mercy after all.
Usagi held up a small, white shirt obviously meant for her, with an airbrushed, big-breasted, woman's body from the neck down, clad in a bikini resembling her own. It looked like the sort of tacky thing she would see American tourists wearing on the beach about an hour's drive from her home. (CR: I don't know if there is a beach near Tokyo or not, so reality can just kiss my ass if there isn't; LS: Yup. And mine, too, for good measure) She sighed and pulled the ugly shirt over her head, vowing to Moon Tiara Magic her senshi the next time she saw them.
Beside her, Mamoru had already slipped his T-shirt on. Unlike Usagi's shirt, his had what looked to be English words on the front, the only picture being an arrow pointing at her, coincidentally. Luckily for Motoki and his co-conspirators, Usagi couldn't read English and therefore wasn't offended at the "I'm with Stupid" slogan emblazoned on the front. Luckily for Mamoru, he could, and relished a smile at the unwitting girl's expense.
"What does it say?" Usagi asked innocently. The innocent expression on her face had Mamoru grasping for an answer to spare her feelings.
"Er...it says 'This way for a good time,'" he supplied lamely.
Usagi craned her neck in the direction the arrow was pointing. "I don't get it. Stupid American T-shirts."
Mamoru fought to suppress the laugh bubbling up inside of him. "Yeah. Stupid...shirts." They both laughed at the sheer stupidity of some people, Mamoru harder than Usagi, who was really beginning to wonder if her companion was right in the head.
When they finally calmed down, they took another look around the cave. Apparently, all did not seem as lost as they had previously thought. Someone had graciously lined the back wall with enough canned food to last a year, obviously anticipating Usagi's healthy appetite. Speaking of appetites...
"I'm hungry; let's eat!" Mamoru groaned when he heard Usagi's stomach rumble.
"If you haven't noticed, we have to stay here for a month so that means we have to ration this food carefully. I know it looks like there's enough to feed an army, but I'd like to get a few bites in there before you inhale everything in one sitting, you know."
Usagi stuck her tongue out. "Meanie. C'mon, bust open a can so we can eat. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday at the arcade-which I am NEVER going to set foot in, ever again!" She thrust a fist out and struck a pose meant to convey the seriousness of her vow. She just looked like an American tourist with big boobs.
"Look around for the can opener and then we can eat," Mamoru ordered, beginning to search for himself. They searched the cave, and, while coming up with a few useful things that would later prove useful, such as a lantern and matches, the can opener continued to elude them.
Finally, after a half hour wasted combing through the tiny cave that would've taken all but five minutes to familiarize oneself with, they gave up the search and sat down dejectedly on the platform.
(CR: this is for you, LS-frankly, I was too damn tired to make up my own shit so I performed some cut and paste magic; LS: Cut and paste is a godsend from . . . GOD . . . *gasps*)
Looking at the cans of food stacked up neatly against the wall, she looked up at Mamoru's sullen form. No can opener meant no food. Damnation. "What are we gonna eat?" she wondered dismally.
Mamoru turned to her and raised an eyebrow. "If we had some fava beans and a chianti, I could eat your liver."
Usagi's eyes grew as big as she could possibly make them, stepping away from him. "You're not going to turn into a cannibal, are you?" She looked ready to bolt at any moment, her hands in a defensive mode, although she herself had thoughts lingering on cannibalism a few moments before they entered the cave. Sue her.
Throwing his head back and clutching his roaring stomach full of laughter, he didn't bother to contain his smile. "Am I going to turn into a cannibal?!" He laughed some more for good measure. "Ha-Hannibal Lector said that in the Silence of the Lambs, Usagi."
Seeing her relax a little, he continued to laugh. It was too easy sometimes.
"I hate this," Usagi whined. "I'm gonna kill those bastards when we get back."
"Save some for me, Odango. Motoki's a dead man once I set foot on Tokyo soil again." Usagi held up a hand.
"Please, don't even say that jerk's name around me. We should make up a code name for them so we could refrain from having to foul our lips by uttering their names."
Darien smirked. He didn't think he'd ever hear the words "refrain," "foul," and "uttering" from Usagi, much less have them said by her in the same sentence. Will wonders never cease. "Well, Mot-I mean, the Jerk, is a smelly, cow-"
"A stinky cow," she interrupted.
"Er, yes, a stinky cow. And your friends deserve to rot in hell for blindly following him--"
"Yes, nothing but the worst lot of she-devils that ever walked the earth..."
"So..."
"How about Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers?" Usagi exclaimed, clapping her hands with glee. Mamoru thought about it. Moomoo Stink _did_ have a certain whimsical feel that only the biggest butt-heads in the world would find amusing, not knowing that it was being directed at them. And Hell Raisers _did_ fit the bill for those... "girls."
He nodded and smiled. "It sounds like a now-defunct 80s band."
Usagi cocked her head to the side, testing out the sound of the new names. "You're right, it does." They laughed evilly, discussing ways of killing the group.
Mamoru held up a box of crackers, pretending it was a milk carton, waving it in front of a hysterical Usagi. "Have you seen Moomoo Stink? He's been missing for a few days now and his cohorts are terribly worried about his safety. He's been spotted wearing an oversized apron over practically EVERYTHING and some speculate that he has no hands because he's always stuffing them in his apron pockets. He also answers to the name Furuhata Motoki, but he has also been known to be called 'everyone's butt-monkey' by his close friends. If you see him, please call Tsukino Usagi and Chiba Mamoru immediately. Only professionals should apprehend this dangerous farm animal because he can and will get dangerous when cornered."
Usagi laughed until her sides hurt. She didn't know the uptight Mamoru could be this funny. She placed the blame on the Astroturf-green jacket. Anybody would be uptight with that piece of crap hanging in his or her closet. (CR: feel free to include your own disses about MS and the HR cuz I can't remember them; LS: er, okay. But how can I top the Astroturf-green jacket? *hmrphs* CR: lazy bastard. You just don't want to write)
All that laughing made Mamoru thirsty. He swept his eyes around the cave for bottled water and wasn't surprised that he couldn't find any. Motoki was going to find himself a eunuch very soon. Tuxedo Kamen would see to it.
"We should go see if there are any freshwater streams around here," he said, wiping the tears of mirth from his eyes. If he EVER saw Motoki again in his lifetime, it would be too soon. Usagi nodded, and together, they left the cave to explore the tiny island that looked to be about the size of four football fields. (Is that big enough for bears and alligators to coexist, or should it be bigger? LS: Do we really care? Let's put an elephant in later for good measure) Sure enough, they came across a stream that looked to be safe for drinking after a few minutes of looking.
"Hey Mamoru, last one in's a rotten egg!" Before Mamoru could blink, Usagi dashed from his side and jumped into the steam, laughing and shrieking childishly. "Come on in, Mamoru! The water feels great!"
"Yeah, just a sec, Odango. Let me just check the area out." Usagi rolled her eyes and continued to splash around happily. She was convinced that Mamoru had a huge stick up his ass. They found the stream, didn't they, so what more was he looking for?
Mamoru walked a few feet away from the little Odango, knowing that she thought he had a stick up his ass. Oh well. Better to be safe than sorry, he always thought. If Usagi would prefer to-
An ear-piercing scream cut off his bitter thoughts and he immediately sprang into action. What could Usagi have gotten herself into _this_ time? He froze, seeing what had Usagi so scared. Hell, it even scared him, and he was Tuxedo Kamen!
It was an alligator and it was just a few feet away from her.
"Usagi, don't move!" He ran towards the riverbank and grabbed a fallen tree limb.
"Don't worry, it's pretty safe to say that I'm not going anywhere," she called back weakly, never taking her eyes off her predator.
Feeling his Tuxedo Kamen senses kick in, Mamoru leapt atop a large boulder and twirled the tree limb in his hand like would if it were his cane. "Attacking an innocent swimmer while she's enjoying one of nature's hidden treasures, this freshwater stream, is despicable, even for a lowly creature such as yourself. I, Chiba Mamoru, will not forgive you!"
Usagi's eyes widened and, despite her better judgment, whirled her head around to gape at Mamoru. "What the fuck? Who the hell does this pompous ass think he is, Tuxedo Kamen?"
Mamoru gripped the staff in both hands and used it as a makeshift pole vault to fly through the air, landing on the astonished alligator. If it was possible for an alligator to jump three feet into the air, then this alligator just _might_ have accomplished that feat. The alligator did a barrel roll in a futile attempt to make Mamoru loose his footing. Thanks to his mad lamppost-balancing skills, Mamoru was able to ride that gator like a logger riding a...well, log.
"Hold it right there!" Mamoru finally lost his footing at the sound of Usagi's voice and fell into the water. He immediately scrambled up to higher ground and spun around to see Usagi, perched upon the same rock he stood on, in a classic Sailor Moon pose: arms stretched above her head and legs spread in an entirely innocent, and not at all kinky, way.
'What the fuck? Who the hell does that airhead think she is, Sailor Moon?' Mamoru and Usagi jumped at the same time, attacking the bewildered animal from both sides. They wrestled, rolled, hit, punched and bit their way to whooping that alligator's scaly ass.
Thirty sweat-filled, bloody minutes later, the alligator floated upside down in the stream and Mamoru and Usagi lay flat on their backs in the mud, dirty, but victorious.
"Did you see the way I pummeled that gator until he was seeing stars?" asked Usagi tiredly.
"Yeah. Did you see the way I hit him right between the eyes with that stick? Genius in motion, I tell you!"
Usagi snickered and sat up in the mud, suddenly recalling something. "Hey Mamoru, what was with the corny speech? You have Tuxedo Kamen envy or something?" she asked teasingly.
Mamoru reddened, although it wasn't very noticeable under the thick layer of mud on his face. "Uh, yeah, that's it. I have the cape, mask and everything." Annoyed that Usagi was laughing at his alter ego, Mamoru narrowed his eyes and grinned. "What about you, Odango? Are you Sailor Moon-lighting these days?"
Usagi choked between laughs, the gears in her mind spinning out an answer, albeit slowly. "Ha, ha, very funny Mamoru-baka. As if Sailor Moon's as clumsy as me."
It was as if the dim light bulb that had been flickering off and on in their heads had finally been fixed and realization flickered like the ethereal glow of a florescent light.
"Oh my GOD!" they screamed at the same time.
Usagi pointed an accusing finger at Mamoru at the same time he pointed his at her. "You're Tuxedo Kamen!"
"You're Sailor Moon!" Mamoru echoed. They both fell back into the mud and just stared at the sky in disbelief.
Usagi sighed. Of course she _had_ to be stuck on this island with the man of her dreams, whose real identity just happened to be her biggest enemy in the world. Together, they almost got attacked by a snake and just tag-teamed an alligator to death. And it wasn't even lunchtime yet. One down, twenty-nine days to go.
"What else can go wrong?" she voiced out loud. Mamoru could only shrug in reply, somehow not at all surprised that the clumsy superhero he was sworn to protect was Usagi. Well, once the initial sensation of a boot smacking through his chest and stomping all over his heart was over, he was fine. Really. And to think this was only the first day. He reviewed his day thus far. Well, he was attacked by heroin-addicted ants, almost bitten by a flying snake, had taught an alligator a valuable lesson about swimming in the same stream he wanted to swim in; he guessed finding out that Usagi was Sailor Moon was just icing on the cake.
And it was only the first of many days on this island. Whoopee.
CR: that's all I can write. If you feel the need to add any more stuff, be my guest.
LS: I believe I will. Thanks for the invite. *grins* Okay, smart ass I am. Dude, the little author notes are almost as funny as the story CR: Geniuses at work, I say)
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Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers
By: crystal_rose and ladysolo
Prologue
Three masked figures carefully stepped out of the rowboat, the tallest one unceremoniously tossing out one large burlap sack before being followed by a much smaller one onto the sandy shore.
"Oof!" The tall figure grinned mercilessly behind her mask as the groan was heard from the larger sack.
"Was all this really necessary?" the shortest of the three commented, gesturing to the two sacks on the beach. "I mean, knocking them out was one thing, stuffing them into burlap sacks as if they were potatoes is another."
"Aw, you're too soft, Blue Balls." The figure that spoke whipped off her balaclava, her raven hair tumbling down past her waist, and poked at the smaller bundle with her foot, eliciting a slight groan from within. She grinned wickedly. This was proving to be real fun. "They asked for this, Balls. For months, we've begged them to stop with their petty bickering but did they listen? No. When we threatened to lock them up under lock and key, what did they do? They laughed and called us on our bluff. Which takes us to this moment. A month by themselves will be just the thing they need to get all this hostility out of their systems."
The smaller one also took her balaclava off and shook her short, blue hair. She looked unconvinced. "But Green Giant...what are they gonna eat?"
"Phew! These things are damn hot!" The tallest one pulled the wool mask covering her face and smiled as she felt the cool ocean breeze ruffling her ponytail. "Don't worry about the food, Balls. Alpha Dog and Mellow Yellow came out here two days ago and stocked up the cave with food and stuff. Although, with those two, you never know..."
As if on cue, two flashes of light were seen from a speedboat docked offshore. The black-haired girl scowled. "C'mon you two. Alpha Dog's getting impatient. Help me get these two out of the sacks."
"Aye aye, Red Hots." The girl known as Green Giant jovially saluted and went to her work, untying the rope holding the larger sack closed. He had put up quite a struggle before he was knocked out with a well-placed blow to the back of the head with a cast-iron frying pan. She was quite impressed with Blue Balls for hitting him hard enough to knock him out without drawing any blood.
Blue Balls and Red Hots opened the smaller bundle and dumped a small blonde girl out of the sack. Her hair, which had reached the backs of her calves only a few hours before, was now cut to her shoulders.
"Red, was it really necessary to cut her hair like this?" Blue asked anxiously. She lifted up two braids lying at the bottom of the sack under the unconscious girls' feet.
Red Hots snickered. "No, but it sure was fun." She blushed as Blue Balls crossed her arms across her chest. "I did her a favour, Blue. She had too many split ends."
The light flashed again, only this time it was accompanied by two sharp blasts of an air horn. The girls exchanged looks of annoyance and pulled the bodies further up the shore. After having taken care of...er, some minor details that had them blushing to the roots of their hair but grinning wickedly all the same, they dashed back to the beach and hopped into the rowboat.
"You know, it's gonna be awful quiet in Juuban without the constant background noise that is Usagi-chan and Mamoru-san arguing as usual," Blue Balls commented almost a little wistfully. She paused, thinking about the past few months and shrugged. "Oh well, I guess I'll just have to deal."
"It won't be easy, but somehow I'll manage," Red Hots added dramatically, letting go of an oar momentarily to place a hand over her heart. Green Giant kicked her in the shin when the oar almost fell into the water. "OW! That hurt, you ass-sniffing whore!"
Green Giant laughed out loud, reveling in the fact that Red Hots would soon have a blackish purple bruise to match her hair. She smiled unrepentantly. "Sorry bout that. Blame it on my reflexes." They rowed in silence, fighting against the current. "Remind me to kick Alpha Dog in his nut sack when we get back to the boat. I'll bet you anything he's just sitting on his ass, making out with Mellow Yellow."
"You're just jealous, GG. You know you wanted him first," taunted Red, still sore about her sore shin.
"Oh shut up you two-day old puddle of piss! And don't talk as if you didn't want Mamoru," retorted Green Giant, daring her to deny it when everyone knew that she had had his picture scanned onto a pair of her panties. She got that picture by hiding behind a tree for two hours, waiting for Mamoru to jog by. He almost punched her lights out when she popped out and snapped a photo just as he poured water on his sweaty self. It was Usagi's lame excuse that had saved Rei's ass from being beaten to a bloody pulp; she told Mamoru that she had wanted to test the powers of voodoo by sticking needles in his eyes. Hey, it was lame and the three of them knew it. Mamoru threw the girls one of his 'Sure, and I'm Tuxedo Kamen' looks and jogged away, but not before pulling on Usagi's pigtail.
Red Hots, recalling that embarrassing moment, responded in the only manner she knew how: she blew a raspberry with all her might, her tongue flapping proudly in the wind.
And so, the three co-conspirators rowed away from the island, unbeknownst to the two people asleep in each other's arms...
Chapter 1
Usagi stirred under the bedspread, wondering why her mattress had suddenly turned rock-hard in the middle of the night. She lay on her back, keeping her eyes closed, hoping that Luna hadn't noticed she was already awake and would begin nagging her to go to school.
'It's so hot,' she thought, throwing off the covers and opening her eyes only to close them again to block out the harsh light of the sun. 'What the fuck? Where did my roof go?'
A seagull flew above her head, squawking in the annoying way only seagulls knew how, before diving into the ocean that was looming in Usagi's peripheral vision. Usagi dug her knuckles into her eyes furiously, trying to rub the sleep out of them. She opened her eyes, knowing full well that she would find herself back in her room, in her nice, cozy bed, with the most annoying cat in the world preaching the importance of waking up early and eating a well-balanced breakfast.
The same seagull soared past her vision only this time carrying a small fish in its mouth...
And suddenly, she realized that she wasn't in her room and she wasn't sleeping in her bed. She turned her head slowly, almost afraid of what she would find.
"OH MY GOD!" she shrieked, scrambling out of what she now identified as Mina's double sleeping bag, the Sailor V insignia giving it away immediately. She paused mid-shriek, wondering what on earth Mina needed a double sleeping bag for. Serena made a mental note to ask Mina about that when she saw her-that is, after she finished the massive attack she would launch on her former friend's ass.
"Who pulled the fire alarm?" mumbled Mamoru sleepily from beneath the sleeping bag. His head emerged, his eyes covered in a braided yellow rope. "What the fuck is this?" he grumbled, yanking it off and throwing it down on the sand. That was when he noticed her standing there, gaping at him. "What're you doing in my room, Odango?"
"Look around, stupid. We're not in Tokyo anymore." Usagi gestured around her wildly. Mamoru's eyes widened, but it wasn't in astonishment of the scenery she was pointing at. In fact, his eyes never moved from the moment he saw her. "What the hell are you looking at?" she snapped.
"You're-you're naked." It was Usagi's turn for her eyes to widen as she looked down to verify his words. She screamed and attempted to pull the sleeping bag away from Mamoru before screaming again.
"You're naked too!"
Mamoru opened his mouth in a wordless scream and violently yanked away the sleeping bag from Usagi's clutches. They both stared at each other as they each held a corner until Usagi noticed that a small package (not what you're thinking) had fallen out of the sleeping bag.
Without warning, she let go of her side, causing Mamoru to tumble over backwards on the sand. Mamoru, grimacing at the thought of having sand up his butt-crack, stood up and covered his private area with BOTH hands. Mamoru smirked proudly at the thought before joining Usagi on the sleeping bag, their nakedness forgotten for the moment.
"What's that you got there?" he asked. Usagi looked ready to retort with her usual brand of sarcasm but thought better of it when Mamoru sat down beside her, naked as the day he was born. She blushed and looked away, but not before stealing a glance at Mamoru's...hands.
'Rats,' she thought. She opened the bundle up and peered inside. "Let's see. Look, there's a note!" She snatched the piece of paper from the plastic bag and unfolded it.
"What does it say?" Usagi cast him an annoyed stare.
"I was just about to read it out loud so if you could shut your pie-hole, I'd be much obliged." Mamoru rolled his eyes but said nothing, motioning her to continue. Usagi cleared her throat and began to read. "'Dear guys, well, I guess by now, you've both discovered that you're all alone on the island with nothing but the bare necessities.'"
Mamoru snorted. "Motoki," he uttered under his breath before turning back to his arch nemesis. "I bet you never knew your little crush was such a pun whore."
Mamoru was almost positive he could see steam coming out of her ears. "I never liked him _that_ way, baka! He's going out with _Mina_ so that just kills any desire I've ever had for him. He's like a brother to me!" She narrowed her eyes into slits and went back to the letter. "Anyway, as I was saying before I was so _rudely_ interrupted, 'dear guys, blah, blah, blah...ah yes. If you look in the bag, there's some stuff we thought you'd need but use them sparingly, you're stuck on that island for a month.'"
She paused, going over what she just read. "A MONTH?!?!?!"
She jumped up and shook her fist toward the sea. "Damn you Motoki! You stupid, smelly cow face! When I see you again, you better pray Mamoru holds me back because I'm gonna castrate you and stuff your severed appendage up your ASS!"
"I'm afraid I can't hold you back, Odango, because I want some ass-kicking action myself." Mamoru stood up and faced the sea as well. "And when I'm done with Motoki, I'm gonna turn to your hell raiser friends and make sure they die virgins, although I'm not too sure about your girlfriend. I've read stories about her plastered all over the men's washroom wall at your arcade, you horny bastard!"
"Me too! She may be my friend, but she's a slut! You hear me, Aino Minako? A SLUT!!"
When she finished her futile name-calling, (she knew Mina wasn't the slut written about on the walls for she had snuck in there one day and written them herself to be directed at a girl she didn't particularly like) Usagi turned to Mamoru, realizing that a new understanding had been forged between them. Since they were stuck on this god-forsaken island for a month, they would have to rely upon each other to get them through it so that they wreak vengeance on their so-called friends.
Usagi solemnly stuck her hand out and Mamoru shook it, knowing instinctively what it was he was agreeing to.
"Let's see what else is in that bag," he suggested after repressing his murderous rage. They walked back to the fallen bag and peered inside. Mamoru lifted up a skimpy scrap of cloth and stared at it dubiously. "What the _hell_ is this?"
Usagi glanced at the letter before choking out a laugh. "Apparently, it's a loincloth for you."
"For me?" Mamoru squeaked. He knew some men liked to wear such things and he thought of himself as an open-minded individual but he was Tuxedo Kamen, dammit! He had a reputation of sexiness and mystique that he had to maintain, confound it! The cheesy, faux fur, leopard-print loincloth just didn't say 'I can kick ass without breaking a sweat and still look good enough to take you dancing.' He lifted up the loincloth in distaste and looked at the heavens. Didn't his heroic deeds count for _something_?
"Hey, what are you going to wear? You can't walk around here naked for a month, although I sure as hell wouldn't mind. Who knew you had that much breast under that uniform?" Usagi gave an outraged gasp and hid behind the plastic bag.
"And who knew you had so little to hide under those lavender pants?" she retorted. They exchanged looks of pure venom until Usagi took a deep breath, silently telling herself to be the better person and call a truce. "Ok, let's get our priorities straight. If we kill each other now, we won't be able to kill Motoki and the girls. We've gotta work together if we want them dead and roasting in the fiery depths of hell where they belong."
Mamoru looked at her admiringly. "I like the way you think, Odango." He pulled out a string bikini. "I'm guessing this is yours," he said dryly.
They started pulling out more things from the bag. "Oh, those bastards," fumed Usagi, holding up one roll of toilet paper. "At least it's two ply."
"We're gonna have to stretch that roll out to last us a month. Maybe we could pull it apart so that it becomes one ply." Usagi looked like she wanted to cry for a second before she gulped and smiled weakly. She pulled out a toothbrush.
"Where's the other one? And where's the toothpaste?" She searched through the bag and came up with nothing. "I HATE THIS!"
That was when Mamoru noticed something different about Usagi. No, it wasn't the fact that she was sitting in front of him, naked as can be; it was something else. His eyes widened. "Oh my God, Odango! Those whores cut your hair!"
She gasped and turned her head to look at her shoulder. Sure enough, her hair had been ruthlessly chopped to just brush the nape of her neck. Tears welled up in her eyes as she thought of the hair she had been growing since she was a little girl. They spilled over as she thought about Sailor Moon without her famous odangos. Would Tuxedo Kamen recognize her without them?
"Rei did this," she whispered, knowing that the raven-haired girl was responsible for committing this heinous act. "She's always been jealous of my hair. I hate her. I HATE YOU, HINO REI!" She collapsed against Mamoru, forgetting that he, too, was her enemy. He patted her back consolingly and let her cry for her hair. It was a shame too; he had always loved her hair and loved teasing her about it even more. "I'm not Odango anymore," she sobbed.
"Of course you are. You'll always be Odango to me."
"I will?"
"Yes. I can't think of you without the words Odango Atama coming to mind."
"I don't know if this is a good thing, or a bad thing."
"It's a thing, that's enough. Do you feel better now?"
"No." Usagi picked up the fallen braid that Mamoru had discarded and found the other one inside their sleeping bag. "I won't be happy until this," she pulled the braids taut, "is wrapped securely around Rei's neck and she's turning a lovely shade of blue from lack of oxygen."
"I'll lend you a hand when the time comes." Mamoru rooted through the bag and held up a TV Guide. "Those sons of bitches," he breathed incredulously.
"What's that?"
"It's this month's TV Guide. This is Motoki's doing, that apron-wearing cow. He knows there was a documentary on The Discovery Channel about amoebas that I wanted to watch this month." He flipped through the pages before throwing it down in rage. "I HATE YOU MOTOKIIIIIII!!!" he shouted to the sky.
Usagi stifled a giggle and looked down at the discarded TV Guide. Sure enough, Amoebas: The Underrated Organism was encircled with a bold, red marker. A thought struck her and she picked up the TV Guide and followed Mamoru's example.
What she saw made her bite her lip to hold back the expletives threatening to burst forth. Crazy Fun Challenge Hour, a program she had been longing to see since its conception the summer before, was outlined in orange marker.
"MINAAAAAA!!!" She dashed to the beach and dove into the waves, ignoring the cold water as it washed over her body. She barely registered the fact that Mamoru dove in after her and was pulling her back to shore.
"I'm gonna get you for this Mina! I know this crazy scheme was your idea!" Usagi shouted to some unknown point on the horizon. Mamoru had to duck her flying arms before finally managing to pin them to her sides.
"Calm down, Odango! We'll get them soon enough!" He tossed her the string bikini. "Here, put this on behind that bush and I'll put this piece of crap behind that one."
Usagi and Mamoru went to their designated bushes to change, although neither saw the point as the items they were changing into could fit into Usagi's tiny fist. Mamoru could see Usagi struggling to tie the bikini around her back through the leaves and shook his head, blocking out the mental pictures. Well, they were more like memories because he's already seen her wares and he liked. He looked down. Oh boy, did he like.
'Think pure thoughts, think pure thoughts,' he chanted mentally. He used his right foot to scratch his left calf absentmindedly. He glanced down at the leopard print loincloth. He was _definitely_ gonna have to kill Motoki for this. He scratched his calf again.
'What the hell is that?' he wondered when he felt a searing heat shoot up his leg and blanched. Hordes of red ants were trailing up both his legs, occasionally stopping to take a bite. "ANTS!" he screeched, briskly trying to brush them off. Of course, the tenacious little devils only took that opportunity to migrate to his arms and hung on for the ride by using their surprisingly sharp teeth.
Usagi snapped her head up just as Mamoru ran screaming at the top of his lungs towards the water. 'What's his problem?' She finished the last knot and followed him to investigate.
"Die, you motherfuckers!" Mamoru was rolling around in the shallow water. Usagi just gaped at him, wondering if she was going to have to spend an entire month with a schizophrenic.
Mamoru finally emerged from the water with the sourest expression on his face. "What happened?" Usagi questioned.
"Ants."
"Ants?"
"Ants. I was changing behind a bush that conveniently hid an anthill full of the little bastards. I'm almost convinced their Motoki the Wonder Cow put it there with me in mind." Mamoru paused in his tirade to scratch his arms, which only looked slightly better than his legs. She turned around so Mamoru wouldn't see her laughing, but it was no use.
"HAHAHAHA!!" The tears streamed from her eyes and she leaned on a tree balance. "It's a good thing that loincloth repelled them from your 'package.' Oh no, maybe it wasn't the loincloth's doing; it was the smell."
"Oh I wouldn't be making fun of _my_ outfit if I were you, Odango."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Only that your string bikini has more string in it than it does bikini. Were you aware that you're wearing a thong? Oh wait, it's not a thong; your ass crack's just eating up the rest of your bikini bottoms."
Usagi turned around slowly and cast him a sly grin. "Oh course it's a thong. The girls know that I wear thongs constantly." She winked cheekily at his astonished face. "They make me feel naughty."
Mamoru gulped. "Oh yeah, then how come I've never seen those thongs whenever I looked up your skirt?"
Usagi's face turned red from a mixture of embarrassment and anger. "YOU ECCHI, NO-GOOD HENTAI!"
"ME? I'm not a hentai! I was just saying that to provoke you and as usual, you took the bait. You really are an Odango."
Usagi screamed in rage and lunged at Mamoru, only to trip over an exposed root. She fell and grabbed the first thing she saw: Mamoru's loincloth. Usagi lay facedown on the hot sand, clutching the tiny cloth in her hand.
"Uggh," she groaned. She saw Mamoru step closer to her and leaned down slightly. The sun was behind him, casting Mamoru in a dark shadow.
"Here, let me help you up," he said tiredly, stretching his hand out to her.
Without thinking, Usagi reached up blindly and took hold of what she thought was his hand and pulled herself up.
"EEEEAAAAHHHH!" Mamoru sure had a pair of vocal chords on him. Usagi's eyes widened as she saw exactly _what_ it was she was holding onto. Her face turned several shades of red and she dropped IT immediately.
"I'm sorry Mamoru, I thought that was your hand," she explained, not taking her eyes off IT. They were locked in a staring contest, IT winning because of ITS magical hypnotic powers. Again, without thinking, she bent down to get a closer look.
"Uh, do you _mind_?" Usagi noticed that Mamoru had turned beet red and was frowning intently, as if he was in pain.
"Oh sorry," she mumbled and looked away. An evil thought struck her and before she lost her nerve, decided to act on it.
With panther-like strides, she advanced on Mamoru, who at the moment, looked like a scared gazelle separated from its herd.
"What are you thinking, Odango?" he asked nervously. She grinned, he gulped.
"Me?" Usagi ran her index finger down Mamoru's chest and leaned closer so that her mouth was right up to his ear. "Are you sure you wanna know?"
Mamoru fought to suppress the shiver that wanted to run down his spine. So, the little girl wanted to play. He'll show Odango what happens to people who tease. He pulled her closer to him, enjoying the shocked gasp that escaped her lips. She obviously wasn't expecting him to do that.
"I think I have a good idea," he murmured, nuzzling her ear. His hand trailed down to her bikini bottoms and played with the waistband. He almost laughed when he felt Usagi tremble.
"Uh, Mamoru, what're you doing?" Her voice shook unmistakably.
"This." In one swift move, Mamoru pulled the waistband an inch away from her skin and snapped it.
"OW!"
(CR: if I made her thong break, she'd have to go commando all month and that's just yucky. Imagine all that sand going up her hootchy. LS: *dies laughing* Commandddoooo? bwhahhaa)
Mamoru threw back his head and laughed maniacally. Usagi fumed, rubbing her offended bottom and kicked sand at him. When that did nothing to stop his laughter, she picked up a thick, brown vine that she saw out of the corner of her eye to whip him with.
Usagi almost crowed in triumph when she saw Mamoru's eyes widen in terror. She whirled the vine confidently above her head, satisfied that the heavy weight would turn Mamoru's loincloth-covered ass redder than Mars' fuku.
"Usagi! Are you stupid or something? Put that snake down!"
Usagi blanched and snuck a glance at the 'vine' in her hand. She blinked, wondering for a brief second why said vine had two slits resembling eyes and a tiny, forked tongue darting in and out of its mouth. The distinct hiss immediately answered all of Usagi's questions and she hurled it away from her, almost hitting Mamoru in the face as it flew past.
Once again, Mamoru erupted in a high-pitched scream, and without thinking, gathered their plastic bag of useless crap and his loincloth-although he was sorely tempted to leave that particular item behind to fend for itself-threw Usagi over his shoulder and ran for dear life. The disgruntled snake took one look at them (well, maybe not look because snakes can't see but you get the idea) and slithered back under the rock he called home.
"MAMORU, PUT ME DOWN!" Usagi screeched, thoroughly enjoying the way Mamoru's butt muscles clenched as he ran. 'You could bounce a feather off that ass,' she thought, pondering over how he had managed to acquire such a fine piece of ass seemingly overnight-not that she ever checked before, of course. Normally, she wasn't a ass person but she had to admit that if she ever was, Mamoru's ass had set the standard for all asses. Maybe the lavender pants distracted her from...appreciating his assets. She smiled childishly at the pun.
Mamoru, totally winded from his run, stopped when he saw a cave looming from behind some trees. He set Usagi down on her feet, ignoring the exasperated "humph" from the petite girl whom he knew could cause more damage to his mental state than listening to an entire collection of Celine Dion's repertoire.
"Hey, what's that?" Usagi wondered, belatedly pointing to the cave. He supposed he couldn't blame her for not seeing the cave beforehand, seeing as how she was being carried upside down and all, but it was still fun to try.
"Barbie's Dream House," he replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes for good measure. Ah, that's the stuff.
"Bite me."
"Don't say it if you don't mean it." Usagi narrowed her eyes dangerously and yanked the note away from his hands as he struggled to put the loincloth back on. She hoped she just gave him the mother of all paper cuts and that it would fester into one of those huge, pus-filled balls of grossness one couldn't help but pick, despite warnings not to do so. Was it possible to die from a paper cut? Usagi fervently hoped so, so she could snack on his carcass guilt-free while she waited for THEM to come get her at month's end.
"It says here that those traitors have stocked a cave full of stuff to live on for the month," she said, eyes scanning the note and not on how strapping Mamoru looked in his little outfit, emphasis being on little.
"This must be it, then. C'mon, let's have a look around,." Mamoru said, leading the way. It was just like Mamoru to pull the caveman routine on her, especially now that he was dressed like Tarzan. Perhaps the loincloth had its drawbacks after all.
Inside, they found a flat, rock platform , almost like an altar, they supposed would double as their bed and table for the duration of their stay. At the foot of the "bed" was a wooden chest full of what looked like a change of clothing. Grinning, they dashed to the box and dug out its contents. Perhaps Motoki and the girls had decided to show them mercy after all by leaving them something decent to wear.
Usagi and Mamoru scowled as they each held up a shirt and realized that no, their "friends" had not decided to show them mercy after all.
Usagi held up a small, white shirt obviously meant for her, with an airbrushed, big-breasted, woman's body from the neck down, clad in a bikini resembling her own. It looked like the sort of tacky thing she would see American tourists wearing on the beach about an hour's drive from her home. (CR: I don't know if there is a beach near Tokyo or not, so reality can just kiss my ass if there isn't; LS: Yup. And mine, too, for good measure) She sighed and pulled the ugly shirt over her head, vowing to Moon Tiara Magic her senshi the next time she saw them.
Beside her, Mamoru had already slipped his T-shirt on. Unlike Usagi's shirt, his had what looked to be English words on the front, the only picture being an arrow pointing at her, coincidentally. Luckily for Motoki and his co-conspirators, Usagi couldn't read English and therefore wasn't offended at the "I'm with Stupid" slogan emblazoned on the front. Luckily for Mamoru, he could, and relished a smile at the unwitting girl's expense.
"What does it say?" Usagi asked innocently. The innocent expression on her face had Mamoru grasping for an answer to spare her feelings.
"Er...it says 'This way for a good time,'" he supplied lamely.
Usagi craned her neck in the direction the arrow was pointing. "I don't get it. Stupid American T-shirts."
Mamoru fought to suppress the laugh bubbling up inside of him. "Yeah. Stupid...shirts." They both laughed at the sheer stupidity of some people, Mamoru harder than Usagi, who was really beginning to wonder if her companion was right in the head.
When they finally calmed down, they took another look around the cave. Apparently, all did not seem as lost as they had previously thought. Someone had graciously lined the back wall with enough canned food to last a year, obviously anticipating Usagi's healthy appetite. Speaking of appetites...
"I'm hungry; let's eat!" Mamoru groaned when he heard Usagi's stomach rumble.
"If you haven't noticed, we have to stay here for a month so that means we have to ration this food carefully. I know it looks like there's enough to feed an army, but I'd like to get a few bites in there before you inhale everything in one sitting, you know."
Usagi stuck her tongue out. "Meanie. C'mon, bust open a can so we can eat. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday at the arcade-which I am NEVER going to set foot in, ever again!" She thrust a fist out and struck a pose meant to convey the seriousness of her vow. She just looked like an American tourist with big boobs.
"Look around for the can opener and then we can eat," Mamoru ordered, beginning to search for himself. They searched the cave, and, while coming up with a few useful things that would later prove useful, such as a lantern and matches, the can opener continued to elude them.
Finally, after a half hour wasted combing through the tiny cave that would've taken all but five minutes to familiarize oneself with, they gave up the search and sat down dejectedly on the platform.
(CR: this is for you, LS-frankly, I was too damn tired to make up my own shit so I performed some cut and paste magic; LS: Cut and paste is a godsend from . . . GOD . . . *gasps*)
Looking at the cans of food stacked up neatly against the wall, she looked up at Mamoru's sullen form. No can opener meant no food. Damnation. "What are we gonna eat?" she wondered dismally.
Mamoru turned to her and raised an eyebrow. "If we had some fava beans and a chianti, I could eat your liver."
Usagi's eyes grew as big as she could possibly make them, stepping away from him. "You're not going to turn into a cannibal, are you?" She looked ready to bolt at any moment, her hands in a defensive mode, although she herself had thoughts lingering on cannibalism a few moments before they entered the cave. Sue her.
Throwing his head back and clutching his roaring stomach full of laughter, he didn't bother to contain his smile. "Am I going to turn into a cannibal?!" He laughed some more for good measure. "Ha-Hannibal Lector said that in the Silence of the Lambs, Usagi."
Seeing her relax a little, he continued to laugh. It was too easy sometimes.
"I hate this," Usagi whined. "I'm gonna kill those bastards when we get back."
"Save some for me, Odango. Motoki's a dead man once I set foot on Tokyo soil again." Usagi held up a hand.
"Please, don't even say that jerk's name around me. We should make up a code name for them so we could refrain from having to foul our lips by uttering their names."
Darien smirked. He didn't think he'd ever hear the words "refrain," "foul," and "uttering" from Usagi, much less have them said by her in the same sentence. Will wonders never cease. "Well, Mot-I mean, the Jerk, is a smelly, cow-"
"A stinky cow," she interrupted.
"Er, yes, a stinky cow. And your friends deserve to rot in hell for blindly following him--"
"Yes, nothing but the worst lot of she-devils that ever walked the earth..."
"So..."
"How about Moomoo Stink and the Hell Raisers?" Usagi exclaimed, clapping her hands with glee. Mamoru thought about it. Moomoo Stink _did_ have a certain whimsical feel that only the biggest butt-heads in the world would find amusing, not knowing that it was being directed at them. And Hell Raisers _did_ fit the bill for those... "girls."
He nodded and smiled. "It sounds like a now-defunct 80s band."
Usagi cocked her head to the side, testing out the sound of the new names. "You're right, it does." They laughed evilly, discussing ways of killing the group.
Mamoru held up a box of crackers, pretending it was a milk carton, waving it in front of a hysterical Usagi. "Have you seen Moomoo Stink? He's been missing for a few days now and his cohorts are terribly worried about his safety. He's been spotted wearing an oversized apron over practically EVERYTHING and some speculate that he has no hands because he's always stuffing them in his apron pockets. He also answers to the name Furuhata Motoki, but he has also been known to be called 'everyone's butt-monkey' by his close friends. If you see him, please call Tsukino Usagi and Chiba Mamoru immediately. Only professionals should apprehend this dangerous farm animal because he can and will get dangerous when cornered."
Usagi laughed until her sides hurt. She didn't know the uptight Mamoru could be this funny. She placed the blame on the Astroturf-green jacket. Anybody would be uptight with that piece of crap hanging in his or her closet. (CR: feel free to include your own disses about MS and the HR cuz I can't remember them; LS: er, okay. But how can I top the Astroturf-green jacket? *hmrphs* CR: lazy bastard. You just don't want to write)
All that laughing made Mamoru thirsty. He swept his eyes around the cave for bottled water and wasn't surprised that he couldn't find any. Motoki was going to find himself a eunuch very soon. Tuxedo Kamen would see to it.
"We should go see if there are any freshwater streams around here," he said, wiping the tears of mirth from his eyes. If he EVER saw Motoki again in his lifetime, it would be too soon. Usagi nodded, and together, they left the cave to explore the tiny island that looked to be about the size of four football fields. (Is that big enough for bears and alligators to coexist, or should it be bigger? LS: Do we really care? Let's put an elephant in later for good measure) Sure enough, they came across a stream that looked to be safe for drinking after a few minutes of looking.
"Hey Mamoru, last one in's a rotten egg!" Before Mamoru could blink, Usagi dashed from his side and jumped into the steam, laughing and shrieking childishly. "Come on in, Mamoru! The water feels great!"
"Yeah, just a sec, Odango. Let me just check the area out." Usagi rolled her eyes and continued to splash around happily. She was convinced that Mamoru had a huge stick up his ass. They found the stream, didn't they, so what more was he looking for?
Mamoru walked a few feet away from the little Odango, knowing that she thought he had a stick up his ass. Oh well. Better to be safe than sorry, he always thought. If Usagi would prefer to-
An ear-piercing scream cut off his bitter thoughts and he immediately sprang into action. What could Usagi have gotten herself into _this_ time? He froze, seeing what had Usagi so scared. Hell, it even scared him, and he was Tuxedo Kamen!
It was an alligator and it was just a few feet away from her.
"Usagi, don't move!" He ran towards the riverbank and grabbed a fallen tree limb.
"Don't worry, it's pretty safe to say that I'm not going anywhere," she called back weakly, never taking her eyes off her predator.
Feeling his Tuxedo Kamen senses kick in, Mamoru leapt atop a large boulder and twirled the tree limb in his hand like would if it were his cane. "Attacking an innocent swimmer while she's enjoying one of nature's hidden treasures, this freshwater stream, is despicable, even for a lowly creature such as yourself. I, Chiba Mamoru, will not forgive you!"
Usagi's eyes widened and, despite her better judgment, whirled her head around to gape at Mamoru. "What the fuck? Who the hell does this pompous ass think he is, Tuxedo Kamen?"
Mamoru gripped the staff in both hands and used it as a makeshift pole vault to fly through the air, landing on the astonished alligator. If it was possible for an alligator to jump three feet into the air, then this alligator just _might_ have accomplished that feat. The alligator did a barrel roll in a futile attempt to make Mamoru loose his footing. Thanks to his mad lamppost-balancing skills, Mamoru was able to ride that gator like a logger riding a...well, log.
"Hold it right there!" Mamoru finally lost his footing at the sound of Usagi's voice and fell into the water. He immediately scrambled up to higher ground and spun around to see Usagi, perched upon the same rock he stood on, in a classic Sailor Moon pose: arms stretched above her head and legs spread in an entirely innocent, and not at all kinky, way.
'What the fuck? Who the hell does that airhead think she is, Sailor Moon?' Mamoru and Usagi jumped at the same time, attacking the bewildered animal from both sides. They wrestled, rolled, hit, punched and bit their way to whooping that alligator's scaly ass.
Thirty sweat-filled, bloody minutes later, the alligator floated upside down in the stream and Mamoru and Usagi lay flat on their backs in the mud, dirty, but victorious.
"Did you see the way I pummeled that gator until he was seeing stars?" asked Usagi tiredly.
"Yeah. Did you see the way I hit him right between the eyes with that stick? Genius in motion, I tell you!"
Usagi snickered and sat up in the mud, suddenly recalling something. "Hey Mamoru, what was with the corny speech? You have Tuxedo Kamen envy or something?" she asked teasingly.
Mamoru reddened, although it wasn't very noticeable under the thick layer of mud on his face. "Uh, yeah, that's it. I have the cape, mask and everything." Annoyed that Usagi was laughing at his alter ego, Mamoru narrowed his eyes and grinned. "What about you, Odango? Are you Sailor Moon-lighting these days?"
Usagi choked between laughs, the gears in her mind spinning out an answer, albeit slowly. "Ha, ha, very funny Mamoru-baka. As if Sailor Moon's as clumsy as me."
It was as if the dim light bulb that had been flickering off and on in their heads had finally been fixed and realization flickered like the ethereal glow of a florescent light.
"Oh my GOD!" they screamed at the same time.
Usagi pointed an accusing finger at Mamoru at the same time he pointed his at her. "You're Tuxedo Kamen!"
"You're Sailor Moon!" Mamoru echoed. They both fell back into the mud and just stared at the sky in disbelief.
Usagi sighed. Of course she _had_ to be stuck on this island with the man of her dreams, whose real identity just happened to be her biggest enemy in the world. Together, they almost got attacked by a snake and just tag-teamed an alligator to death. And it wasn't even lunchtime yet. One down, twenty-nine days to go.
"What else can go wrong?" she voiced out loud. Mamoru could only shrug in reply, somehow not at all surprised that the clumsy superhero he was sworn to protect was Usagi. Well, once the initial sensation of a boot smacking through his chest and stomping all over his heart was over, he was fine. Really. And to think this was only the first day. He reviewed his day thus far. Well, he was attacked by heroin-addicted ants, almost bitten by a flying snake, had taught an alligator a valuable lesson about swimming in the same stream he wanted to swim in; he guessed finding out that Usagi was Sailor Moon was just icing on the cake.
And it was only the first of many days on this island. Whoopee.
CR: that's all I can write. If you feel the need to add any more stuff, be my guest.
LS: I believe I will. Thanks for the invite. *grins* Okay, smart ass I am. Dude, the little author notes are almost as funny as the story CR: Geniuses at work, I say)
