It was so cold.
Letting go of the steering wheel, I slowly stretched my left arm out the open window. The air stung my skin and pierced my lungs with every breath I drew in, but it didn't register in my mind. Inside, I felt nothing.
The overcast sky dusted the towering pine trees in gray as I drove past, a lonely two way road walled by thick forest and spattered with melting frost. I could feel the tires skid as they flew over icy patches, and pressed my foot on the gas even harder. Time was a luxury I couldn't afford. This pit in my stomach only coiled tighter as the minutes slid by, slick and constricting in my throat to the point that I could barely breathe. Perhaps that was why the frigid air wasn't as painful as it should be.
As I curved around a bend, I saw the bridge.
I directed the car off the road and slowly creeped up to the edge of the now defunct railroad path. Frost and leaves crunched under my boots as I stepped out, surveying the silence. Aside from my low breathing, the air around me was deathly still. Throwing the car keys into the passenger's seat, I dug into my pockets and tossed my phone in as well. I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jacket and kicked the car door closed. If I wanted to leave now, I'd have to walk twenty miles to the nearest gas station. But I knew that wasn't going to happen. My heart was pounding in my ears as I made my way towards the bridge.
It was an old stone viaduct over the Bowery river, the slate arches darkened by moss and age. Roughly three hundred feet long, wide enough for a freight train to pass through, and a thirty foot drop from the water. Far enough for an experienced swimmer to feel exhilaration. Far enough for the others to fear.
A bird shot out from the bushes in front of me, wings flapping wildly. As it flew past I screamed and fell back, falling hard on my hip. Perching itself on the edge of the bridge, it turned its head and eyed me curiously. From the look of its dull ebony body and beady little eyes, I was being spied on by a crow. "Aren't you supposed to be gone by now?" I hissed, knocking the dirt and leaves off my jeans. Reaching into my back pocket, I pulled out a small orange medicine bottle that was hiding under my jacket. It was cracked and the top was off, and a look under my leg revealed half its contents were spilled into the dirt.
"Whatever," I spat, tilting my head back and downing the remaining pills left in the bottle. I gagged and coughed furiously, eyes watering as I forced the bitter tablets down. Tossing the broken bottle aside, I stumbled into a standing position and half limped to the middle of the bridge. Modernity clashed with antiquity as rusty metal gates were affixed to the viaduct's stony sides, graffitied signs in bold letters stating "NO DIVING" and "WARNING: STRONG CURRENT" clung like spiders to their iron webs. A section of the gate was cut and bent out in a small gap for teenagers to use the bridge in the summer. The same one I used, back when the summers were strawberry milkshakes and counting the days from school. Summer was a ghost. So was I.
Climbing through the gate onto the thick pitched edge, I perched myself and swung my legs back and forth against the frigid stone wall. Glancing down, I could see the small white crests of water as it ran around the viaduct's pillars. Likely from the lack of food and sleep, the pills were already beginning to take effect. Vertigo swam over my vision and I leaned back, eyes rolling upward to the grey skies.
A gust broke through the trees, biting my cheeks as it brushed past. My teeth clenched tight, stomach contorting from the cold, the fear, the anticipation. The anticipation of relief. My heart was so heavy. I closed my eyes, and hot tears that were pooling in them ran down my face.
"I'm sorry," I forced out, feeling my shoulders start to shake. Drawing in a deep, painful breath of icy air, I finally let out the sob hanging in my chest.
"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! oh, God-" Rocking back and forth, eyes blurry and nose beginning to drip, I covered my face and could feel the lightness in my head. I was so small. I was so empty. The cold no longer existed, I could feel my heart pounding and my mind swirling. Suddenly my stomach lurched and I dry heaved, eyes cracking open to black spots passing by in my vision - or were those more crows? My cheeks was so hot, the blood rushing to my face was making my scarf tight and itchy. I tried to tug off my scarf, but my fingers merely clawed listlessly. My veins were saturated and the drugs were thickly clouding my mind. Everything was too much. It was too much to coordinate physically, mentally… emotionally. Casting a long look towards what lay before me, I saw the pines gently swaying in the wind, the river rippling like a thousand dark ribbons carried off to where they must go. Where I must go. I closed my eyes and exhaled.
I was gone before I even hit the water.
Disclaimer: Nolanverse and DC characters/settings are not mine. Everything that has nothing to do with anything belongs to me.
