Author's Note: This is a product of a late night, pretending to do homework, with no company but a bowl of Tin Roof Sundae and good ol' Barry Manilow. Sing this along with "Copacabana". Ten points to me for using the word "smarmy".  I suppose this is movieverse, 'cause I mention Elijah's eyes, but other than that, it's really rather ambiguous.

His name was Frodo

He was a hobbit

With biggish feet covered in hair

And a hypnotizing stare

He lived at Bag End

With Cousin Bilbo

When Gandalf sought him 'neath the hill

Samwise gardened 'neath the sill

They learned of Men long slain

And of Isildur's Bane

They foresaw neither the carnage

Nor all of their pain

In Mordor

The depths of Mordor

The darkest place south of Dol Guldûr

Oh, in Mordor

The depths of Mordor

The evil and smarmy

Flocked there by the army

In Mordor

They took the Ring

His name was Smeagol

He wore a loincloth

He led the hobbits to the Stair

And right into Shelob's Lair

But Sam and Frodo

Escaped the spider

And when they reached the Crack of Doom

Gollum leapt out of the gloom

And then the punches flew

And rocks were smashed in two

There was blood and a single finger

But just who bit who?

In Mordor

The depths of Mordor

The darkest place south of Dol Guldûr

Oh, in Mordor

The depths of Mordor

The evil and smarmy

Flocked there by the army

In Mordor

They lost the Ring

His name is Frodo

He lived in Bag End

But that was many years before

He and Sam went off to war

Now there are children

But they're not Frodo's

Sam and Rosie moved on in

Now Bag End's full of their kin

He left his life behind

For Elven shores that shined

He lost his Precious, he lost his finger

And he lost his mind

In Mordor

The depths of Mordor

The darkest place south of Dol Guldûr

Oh, in Mordor

The depths of Mordor

The evil and smarmy

Flocked there by the army

In Mordor

Don't take the Ring