1: Aftermath

It was raining.

He rested Duncan's shield on top of Alistair's grave, before sinking the sword down into the soil beside it. Inside, the Grey Warden felt a deep loss as he looked upon his friend's grave, and also a small tinge of regret. Things would have turned out differently, he knew, if he had accepted Morrigan's offer to conceive a baby, so that no Grey Warden would have to be sacrificed. And yet, he had refused her… and that eventually led to Alistair dealing the final blow to the archdemon that killed him as well. Was it my fault? wondered the Warden, pursing his lips. Should I have done what Morrigan had said? That would have saved everyone… and Alistair. I could have spared his life. I could have. But I did not… I suppose it is my fault, then, my friend. Rest easy. I… I am sorry.

"Fenix?" Leliana's voice brought him away from his guilt-ridden thoughts. He stood up and turned around, forcing a weak smile at the beautiful bard. Her striking blue eyes saw right into his soul, that he knew. She had always been able to read him more easily than the others, he noticed. Leliana was sensitive and was always able to empathize with him. But now? Could she? Could she empathize with him for rejecting Morrigan at the chance to save Alistair, for rejecting the one he loved and resulted in her leaving him even before the final battle with the archdemon? No, he told himself, she can never understand that.

"Are you all right?" asked Leliana, her eyes filled with concern and worry, "We were looking for you before dinner, and you never showed up during the dinner either. I was worried about you."

"You don't have to be," Fenix replied, feeling her hand reach for his, "I'm fine. I just… can't believe he's gone." He gripped her hand in his, hoping that she would stay. After Alistair's funeral, Fenix had gradually withdrawn from the rest of the group, isolating himself from them and staying silent most of the time. Even as the Warden-Commander, he was never the same. Many had begun to doubt his leadership abilities, but a select few knew that it was due to the premature death of the king of Ferelden, the closest friend that Fenix had.

"He did what he had to do," Leliana said reassuringly, "He wouldn't want to see you like this, would he? You must be strong—like you always have. It's not like you to reduce yourself to such a weak state. What's more, you are the Warden-Commander. He wanted that before he died, did he not?"

"I know," Fenix muttered, nodding, "But I can't help thinking what would have happened if I… listened to Morrigan. I lost both of them, Leliana."

"She is alive," Leliana countered, her tone hardening at the mention of Morrigan's name, "But she wanted something for herself—the child you would have conceived with her. I know of your feelings for her, Fenix, but that would be cheating your way out of your duty as a Grey Warden… and Alistair's. I don't think she's ever loved you the way I…" Leliana's voice trailed off as she let go of his hand and turned away, feeling the heat rise to her face. "I just know she wanted to use you only. And to what end? To have a child with the essence of an Old God—the former archdemon. It would grow up to be extremely powerful, and… who knows what might happen then?"

"She's a good person," Fenix said, "I know it. She… I was sure she felt the same way."

"Are you?" Leliana said, turning around again, her expression dark, "You forget that she was raised by Flemeth. She has never known true love, so how can you expect that of her?"

"I don't want to argue about this," Fenix growled, "If you have nothing better to say, then leave me be. I… I need time."

Leliana's expression softened immediately. "I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't know what came over me."

"It's all right," he reassured her, turning back to Alistair's grave. "At least… the Blight is over. And Anora is queen. All is well."

"But you are not happy," Leliana pointed out, moving next to him. She gazed down at the shield and sword. "We must move on, Fenix."

"I can't forget all those… silly jokes," Fenix said, half-laughing. "He was always an idiot."

"He was our idiot," Leliana said, smiling. "The best there ever was."

"He would have made a great king." Fenix knelt down to feel the hilt of the sword, where Alistair had last touched it. It was only weeks ago when Fenix witnessed Alistair dealing the final blow to the archdemon. He had wanted to rush forward and take over from there, but Alistair would not allow it. His friend cared too much for everyone—for Ferelden, even—and had died doing his duty as a king and Grey Warden.

"He already is," Leliana agreed. "But he wouldn't want you to be in such a state, my Grey Warden. Would he? If he were here, he would be in one of those serious moods we rarely saw, and he would give you one of his attempts at lecturing."

"I know he would," Fenix said, nodding.

"Come in with me," Leliana offered, "It's raining, did you know that?"

Fenix laughed. "I wanted to do this first, before I returned to Vigil's Keep for some final preparations for the new Warden-Commander," he said.

"The new Warden-Commander?" Leliana repeated, surprised. "You're the Warden-Commander!"

"I am stepping down," Fenix admitted, "I can't do this."

Leliana stepped in front of him, her eyes ablaze. "You can do this!" she insisted, "Alistair made you Warden-Commander not so that you could just throw this responsibility away. He gave you this post for a reason… and he trusted you to it, did he not? How can you just give up?"

"I… don't know," Fenix said, turning away in embarrassment. "I don't know what I'm doing now, Leliana. I just feel helpless."

"It's the loss," Leliana muttered, "that's hurting you. Don't let it hurt you any longer. Take that helmet and put it on, and be the best Warden-Commander there ever was. You're the hero of Ferelden! Alistair would give up cheese just to see you chin up. Where's that man I met months ago in Lothering, fighting off Loghain's men with such courage and boldness?"

Fenix knew what the rest would say if he told them about his stepping down. They would react exactly like Leliana did, and they would never let him give up the position alive. I guess it would be useless to protest against all of them. Oghren would drown me in ale if I tried, and I think Zevran would…

He'd rather not think about that.

"He's… I guess he's still here," Fenix said, regaining some of that lost confidence after Alistair's death. It had been a terrible scene that Fenix could not get out of his mind for nights—and it had often scared him—but if it meant being Warden-Commander would honor Alistair for what he was, then Fenix would attempt to recover and proceed with his duties. It was only right, he thought, to fulfill what his old friend had wanted for him. "You're so precious, Leliana. I… thank you," he said, his tone sincere and true. Leliana turned a light shade of red, light enough that the Warden did not notice it.

"You are welcome," she said shyly, "But we are friends, so there's hardly any need for such formalities."

"You're right," Fenix agreed, strength returning to his voice. "Truly, I don't know what I would have done without you, Leliana."

"And I know one more thing that's right," she said happily, "Me becoming a Grey Warden."

Fenix raised his eyebrows at her. "You, a Grey Warden?"

"It is only right that I continue to be of some use to Ferelden, now that it is something like a home to me," Leliana said, "And I believe I can serve the Maker well if I continue to battle the darkspawn alongside you."

"The Maker…?"

"Say no more," Leliana said, placing a finger on his lips, "I will go through the Joining once we arrive at Vigil's Keep."

"But won't you want to track down Marjolaine?" Fenix asked, still surprised at her sudden request to become a Grey Warden.

"I have given up on her," Leliana answered, "I am sure of it. Finding her would be useless, after all."

"But… are you sure? The Joining could kill you."

Leliana smiled at him, her electric blue eyes in contact with his dark blue ones. "Is that what you are afraid of? Me dying?" Leliana said, laughing. "You obviously don't know me well enough, do you? I am strong, and I have been with you since the start—surely I can survive this Joining of yours."

"You don't understand… the taint… the blood could kill you," Fenix protested.

"Again, you are missing my point," Leliana said, "I know I can do this. The Maker ensures it."

He wasn't sure if it was her faith in the Maker or the fact that he wanted a friend along for the ride that was to come that convinced him to let her undergo the Joining.

He'd decided that it was both.

"Very well," Fenix said, finally conceding, "I'll take you in as a new recruit for the Grey Wardens. Welcome aboard, Leliana."

"I'm sure it'll be fun," Leliana said, "Are the shoes at Vigil's Keep nice, by the way? Nicer than the ones I'm wearing now, of course…" She indicated her muddy shoes. Fenix gathered that she had been wearing them since Lothering. He laughed.

"I'm sure I can get someone to tailor new satin shoes for you," Fenix promised, "Maybe an Orlesian vendor, if we're lucky."

"Oh you would? That would be wonderful!" she gushed, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tightly. "I think there might be one in Amaranthine!"

"Vigil's Keep is quite near Amaranthine," Fenix said, "We'll make a stop there after we're done with your Joining and my initial duties."

"Oh, of course," Leliana said, forgetting that there were still cases of darkspawn about and that both her and Fenix had more important duties than getting satin shoes. "I got carried away."

"It's okay," Fenix said, "Let's go in now, shall we? I realize we've been standing out here long enough for the rain to stop."

Leliana nodded. "I saved some food for you," she said, "and I had to threaten Oghren to save some ale for you, too."

"Dine with me," Fenix said. "I find myself in need of some cheerful company."

"It would be my pleasure," Leliana said, her heart racing as the Grey Warden flashed her a smile she had not seen in weeks. She knew that smile—it was a smile of confidence and reassurance—and knew that he was back in charge, now as the hero of Ferelden and as the Warden-Commander.

Perhaps all would be well, in time to come.

Vigil's Keep

One week later

Leliana had regretted thinking that it would be smooth sailing from then on. First, the Joining tasted horrible. Second, she had to put up with that idiot of a mage, named Anders, who reminded her so much of Alistair—much to Fenix's delight. Third, Oghren was still here and he was still grabbing every chance he could to shamelessly flirt and talk dirty with her—earning him a slap or two every time he 'coincidentally' bumped into her at every corner in the Keep. Fourth, she had been hurt to discover that the Grey Wardens from Orlais—her home—had been slaughtered by the invading darkspawn and that the darkspawn had not retreated as much as she'd like to think. That was what she discovered the moment Fenix, Mhairi and her arrived at Vigil's Keep, formerly home to the Howes.

When they had first arrived at the Keep, it was under attack by a band of darkspawn, led by a talking darkspawn, much to her horror and fascination. Of course, Fenix had killed it and had saved the Keep and Seneschal Varel, earning them a small period of rest before the other duties began. Fenix had to take on the mantle of being the arl of Amaranthine, much to his protest and disgust. He had no problem with leading the other Grey Wardens, but he certainly seemed to have a problem with the arling of Amaranthine. It was as though he was asked to parade around the city naked.

Leliana giggled at the thought.

"And what are you giggling at?" Fenix's voice came from the doorway. She turned and smiled at him innocently, feigning ignorance.

"Nothing at all. What are you talking about?" she said pretentiously. It was a wonder how she could still find the spirit to joke and have fun about Vigil's Keep, even as trouble is continuously brewing where the darkspawn are concerned. It seemed to keep Fenix constantly sane—what with Anders' wit that strongly reminded the both of them of Alistair, Oghren's constant demand for ale on a daily basis and his daily drunken state and Nathaniel's grumpiness, still unsettled at the fact that Fenix had conscripted him into becoming a Grey Warden. The day when she stopped being so playful and coy would be the day when the Wardens would lose to the darkspawn. And that, to Leliana, was impossible.

"I'm sure you weren't thinking of anything," Fenix said sarcastically, "I just came by to tell you that dinner is almost ready."

"That's good," Leliana said, "Let's hope Oghren doesn't vomit all over the carpet again."

"Like last night," Fenix said, recalling what had happened the night before. He shuddered. "It smelled horrible."

"Oh yes, and I think the smell remains," Leliana said, giggling. "I'm sure you didn't just come here to tell me about dinner and Oghren's fiasco."

"As I knew you'd figure," Fenix said, "I'll be making a trip to the Wending Wood tomorrow to investigate the caravan assaults. I'd like you to tag along. It's a lead on the darkspawn threat in Amaranthine, and I'm sure there will be some answers there. Also, Herren, that man from Denerim, needs some materials for armor for our soldiers. I heard there's a silverite mine somewhere in those woods."

"I've been there once, while away from Orlais," Leliana said, "It is a nice place. But I think it'll be much more different now."

"Yes," Fenix agreed, "Well, I'm taking Oghren and Anders along—you don't mind, do you?"

"As long as you keep the two of them at an arm's length away from me, I won't mind one bit," Leliana said.

Fenix laughed. "Anders seems to like you a lot."

"So does Oghren. Dirty lechers," she muttered under her breath, "It's unsettling to hear a dwarf and an apostate flirt both at the same time."

"Can you blame them?" Fenix asked.

"Can you?" she countered, smilingly.

"No," he replied, chuckling, "You're beautiful. I don't see why they shouldn't. It speaks a lot about you."

"That I am desirable? Is that you flattering me again?" Leliana said, giggling again. "You have a silver tongue, Warden."

"Yes, and I'm sure Anders and Oghren possess the dirtiest of tongues," Fenix said, grinning, "But I think we should stop this gossip. I won't want them hearing us like this. It's almost embarrassing."

"For them, not you and I," Leliana said.

They sat together in silence for some time, enjoying each other's company. "I appreciate you being here," Fenix said, "It reminds me of those days…"

"Ah, the Blight," Leliana said, "How delightful."

"Well it was nice at night, in camp with you and the rest," Fenix said.

Leliana shot him a skeptical look. "Oh, really? I recall you spending most of your time on the far side of the camp with Morrigan. You hardly spoke to any of us… but when you did, it was because you had a fight with Morrigan," she said, snorting.

"Ah, I remember now," Fenix said sheepishly. "But I did enjoy the times with all of you, you know. Not just Morrigan."

Leliana smiled. "It's nice how we can just talk of her so easily and not get into a fight again," she pointed out, "It gives me comfort. I used to hate her, you know."

"Why?"

"Because she had you," Leliana said, her words plunging the both of them into an awkward silence. Her honesty amused Fenix sometimes, but now he felt truly naked and exposed in front of her. Wynne had always pointed out to him, during the quietest of nights, how Leliana would gaze at him when he was not looking and quickly look away when he turned his head in her direction. It was because of Wynne's observations that Fenix knew of Leliana's feelings for him. He had avoided it constantly, mostly because of Morrigan and because he did not want to look like someone who didn't take women seriously.

"I…" Fenix started, but was interrupted by rough banging on the door.

"Hey, Warden! Dinner's ready! You'd better come out soon—they won't let me eat without you at the darn table!" Oghren roared through the door. "You know what happens when I get too hungry!"

Fenix stood up and beckoned Leliana to follow him, not knowing what else to say or do.