HURT
All these characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.
(This one's for Lori. I miss you already, my friend.)
There's a Willow-shaped hole in his heart, and he doesn't know how much longer he can go on.
It's been three days since Willow told him that they couldn't go back to the way things had been before "The Fluke." Three days since he realized that he hadn't just lost Cordelia, but also Willow herself. Three days since he had lost his best friend.
And it's killing him.
Losing Cordy was hard, but he could get beyond it. He could even learn to forgive himself for her accident. It wouldn't be easy, but he'd learned to live with the memory of Jesse's death—the jolt he felt in his arm as Jesse impaled himself on Xander's stake. He could learn to deal with betraying Cordy.
Losing Willow is another matter.
He doesn't know how to be Xander without Willow. She's his other half. She knows him like no one else ever has or ever will. He doesn't know how to go on without her.
But he has to.
Day after day, he has to see her in class, talking to Buffy … talking to Oz.
She doesn't talk to him any longer. She doesn't want him any longer.
She won't be alone with him. She won't speak to him in private. When he tries, she goes away … or goes to Buffy.
She will never call him again. She will never send him another e-mail. She will never send him another birthday card or Christmas gift. She will never tell him her secret hopes or dreams.
He will never get to hold her again.
It's over.
And he knows that it will never be any better.
He is alone. He will always be alone. Buffy has given her loyalty and support to Willow. Giles never considered him worth caring about. They will take care of Willow and ease whatever pain she has, but they will leave him to fend for himself.
But even if they don't want him, he doesn't know how to go away. He will pretend to be the same old Xander. He will laugh and joke and run into the fight as he has always done so. He will act like he's still who he was.
And maybe someday, he'll even fool himself.
