I saw this interview with the DA actors and a couple of them said that they always wanted to know what Christian was thinking. That gave me the idea for this story. I would really appreciate your honest opinion on this. And as always, thanks for reading!
"Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell." - Emily Dickinson
The sun cast an orange glow across the sky and on the water as it bid adieu to the ocean. Huge frothing white waves crashed at the shore ruthlessly. As I sat at the beach watching the sunset, they beckoned me to ride them. However, I squashed my desire and tried to focus on the mindless chatter surrounding me. Ever since I came back with Raf from our Tazzy trip, I have been hanging out with this group of kids. I can't bring myself to call them friends. All we ever do is loiter at the beach or at the skate park, party late into the night or vandalize property. It is not my idea of fun, but I have been trying hard to fit in.
This group, it is not very different than the one I used to hang around with before I started out at the Academy two years ago. Dylan reminds me a lot of Aaron and Stevie of Kayla. Maybe that's why I am here, instead of at the Academy. But if I am honest with myself, they are nothing like Aaron and Kayla. Those two really cared about me and Dylan and Stevie care about no one but themselves.
Before long, the sky turned dark and the atmosphere cooled down. We piled up a few logs lying around and lit a fire. The others started dancing and drinking. I was in no mood for that so I just stretched my legs and watched them.
"Catch!" yelled Dylan as he threw a soda can at me. I caught it deftly and grinned at him.
"Come on dude, you gotta dance!" Stevie called out. I declined politely and stared at the bonfire sipping my soda. I wasn't sure dancing was my thing anymore. As I watched the dancers move clumsily, my thoughts strayed to the Academy. This was that time of day when the students usually gathered around in the common room. I could imagine Ben sitting on the couch goofing off, Abigail scoffing at his silly jokes, Grace rolling her eyes, and Ollie trying to suppress his laughter. I tried not to think of Kat or Tara, the two girls whose hearts I had broken. If I tried hard enough, I could probably remember every corner of that room. The vase that rested on the kitchen sill, the magnets that adorned the refrigerator, Sammy's smile in the photographs that decked the wall…
My breath caught as I thought of Sammy. My one best friend, the one who had looked out for me, the one who had cheered me up when I was down, the one who had been fiercely loyal to his friends, the one who I could talk to about anything, the one who knew what I had to say without me having to talk at all… I missed him so much; there wasn't a day that went by when I didn't think of him. Ever since Sammy's death, there had been this huge void inside of me. As I thought of my late friend, I could feel the familiar sting in my eyes, the grief threatening to overpower my fragile control. I bit the inside of my cheek hard to keep myself from screaming, almost drawing blood. I welcomed the pain, hoping it would help take away this awful emptiness inside me.
Sammy was the key reason I did not want to go back to the Academy. That place was filled with his memories and I did not think I was strong enough to face them. How could I ever forget the last conversation that I had with him? He didn't want me to go meet Tara, but I went anyway disregarding his wish. If only I had stayed back and gone with him on the run instead, he may have still been around. I didn't think I'd ever forgive myself for that. I didn't deserve happiness, I didn't deserve to be at the Academy, and I definitely didn't deserve Tara.
I had often questioned why I couldn't be more like Sammy. He had this aura of positivity around him. He gave off this good vibe that put people at ease, so one couldn't help but be friends with him… Yet instead, I seemed to be on this emotional pendulum – exhilaratingly happy one moment and down in the dumps the next… I had thought that going on the trip with Raf would help clear my mind. If anything, it had only served to make my future path and my role in this universe murkier.
As I sat on the beach lost in my thoughts, my phone vibrated indicating a voicemail. It was Tara. Almost all of my Academy friends had tried to get in touch with me and I had ignored their calls and texts. But Tara had been the most persistent of all. Calling me every week, sending me texts for Christmas and New Year's, sending me updates about Kat and her vacation at the farm… My refusal to respond had not deterred her one bit. Why would she just not give up? Deep in my heart, I knew I was being irrational and that my ire towards her was misdirected. But, it was just easier feeling anger and hatred for her than digging deeper. Hating her, for keeping me away from Sammy that day, for evoking all these emotions within me that I never wanted to feel, for knowing my deepest desires before I knew them myself…. I tried to shake my thoughts off. I said a hurried goodbye to the gang and took off running towards Raf's house hoping the physical exertion would help distract me.
