AN: I want to see what happens if Luna Lovegood was played by Lisa Kudrow. Oh, what if she became the Dark Lady?! Pure crack by the way.
Disclaimer: I do not want to infringe anything regarding Harry Potter or the writer or film producers. The only think I'll be breaking is Kentucky State Law for breaking and entering Josh Hutcherson's ass. Just kidding. Oh god I can imagine a scenario where he reads this. Does he usually do that? Just look up his name and see what shows up? Because I definitely do. If you're reading this, then, you are no exception. Review! Woah. I'm done. This is too much. Okay. I'll stop. Woah, what a long disclaimer. Probably just as long as his... Nah. Anyways.
Luna Lovegood strode down the bright spirited walls of her Dark Palace.
If it was even to be called a Dark Palace in the first place.
The gates were these golden rods, all twisted to form a beautiful Whale penis, with water bursting from all the ends, landing gently in stone orifices built into the granite driveway.
The Dark Palace's facade was of a mighty South African Ebony with rainbows littering the great bows. It had fountains pouring out glitter that blinded all birds and flying Glorklesnaps. Her windows resembled those of a humongous rat eye, or a tear on your skirt or the very hole of your pimple if you take a very close look.
The main door of the building was a grand carvery out of baculums. The ivory arch appeared to be of two wizards sending sparks upward, meeting in the center to form a Birth of Venus-esque life size figure of the Dark Queen herself, emerging from a grand golden shell floating in penis foam. The door itself was made of solidified urine, which smelled of roses and posies and all things nice.
Upon entering, there is an enormously large desk, in the shape of an ermine. Well, it was an enlarged stuffed ermine, actually. The desk is run by tiny pigs with wings all zooming around the grand atrium. The atrium, if you looked closely, was the shape of a saxophone, with a chandelier made of figurines of different Narnia characters copulating with each other, light pouring from all their entrances (and exits.)
The headquarters consist of a red ant's colony like complex, ending at the very top with Luna Lovegood's office.
"Hello, my dear faithful minions!" Luna called, startling the entire top floor office. "How is everything? Are the plans for the Battle of Hogwarts ready?"
A red-faced minion nodded.
"Perfect! You need a raise." She said, waving her wand. The red-faced man grew an inch taller.
"Thank you, my liege."
"You're very welcome," she said. "Just twelve more feet and you'd be one of the chair men, way up there!"
She looked upward, where a group of extremely tall men sat on an amber table.
"Yes, we must find a way to exterminate the little ones..."
"You up there!" Luna cried. "You're fired! I never thought you'd discriminate against the little minions. Get out of here. Guards!"
The 17'11" woman was seized by a pair of Crumple-horned Snorkacks and threw into a pit of fire.
"Your majesty, a friend of yours called." A ninety year old man told her.
"Of course, who is it?" Luna inquired, her eyebrows raised.
"Harry Potter, my liege."
"Oh, okay. Hand me the dead squirrel."
"Yes, master Lovegood."
The ninety-year old man handed her a dead squirrel, which Luna immediately put to her ear, its tail curved like a microphone to her mouth.
"Luna? It's Harry."
"Oh, Hi Harry!"
"Hi Luna! What's up? Any plans on attacking Hogwarts yet, it's a bore over here."
"Oh, well, it just needs a little spiffing up, but it'll be ready in a few."
"Why thanks, and, Ginny wants to talk to you." Harry told her.
Luna headed to her huge office, an exact replica of her room near Ottery, Saint Catchpole. Paintings of her closest friends were on the wall; Harry, Hermione, Ginny, Ron and Neville, not to mention Monica, Chandler, Ross, Rachel and Joey.
"So, Ginny, what's up?" Luna inquired.
"Well, I'm doing a good job on seducing Harry," she said.
"Wait, what? Oh, heaven's to Betsy, I'm not letting that happen-" Luna replied.
She immediately stood up from her desk and called the attention of all her Death Eaters. "Come on, minions, canon alert! Canon alert! Ginny is with Harry, we must not let that happen! Harmony forever! Launch the attack on Hogwarts!" She said excitedly.
"But, my liege, the nuclear weapons are not ready for bombardment," A young man said.
"Who said there'd be nuclear weapons. We're not pussies, come on!" The Dark Lady replied. She turned to another minion of hers - a blonde, middle-aged woman. "You, Rowling, don't you dare publish it that way. The first run you did was horrible, now we have to start from scratch."
"Yes, ma'am."
For all of you curious... These are bitmarks by the way, you know what to do.
Whale Penis - /JKziba
Baculum - /19es4b4
This will definitely have a second chapter.
