Dark brown eyes stared at the perfect features on the poster with a gaze far more mature than expected of his age. They melted as blue ones warmly stared back. He lost himself in the sea and hope, honor, trust echoed throughout his being. He struggled to rip his sight from the slight smile that played on the captain's lips.
"Get out…" Tony flinched as the hiss slid down his spine. He turned to stare into the cold face of Howard Stark: billionaire, genius, tortured soul, alcoholic.
His father.
Howard refused to acknowledge his sons presences as he breezed past him to sulk into his chair. He moved with a ghost-like quality and Tony couldn't stop the visible shiver that shook his body. Howard let out a raspy dark laugh, more of a scoff than anything.
Slowly he repeated his order, taking care to stare at the door.
"Get. Out. Now." His words were slow, poison as his hands gripped the bottle ever tighter. Tony's lip trembled as the 8 year old took in the near empty bottle his father was clutching. Defiantly he stood, and with a stern face Tony Stark brought his chin up. You don't run from bullies, he told himself.
Howard looked at the boy. He looked at the pathetic pout on the face that stole his features from him. He took in the brown eyes that, just like his mothers, dreamt of a love not reserved for him.
He recognized the proud stance and his heart panged as he saw the love that threw himself into the ocean.
He stared his son and felt the disappointment crawl ominously back into his heart.
Tony sighed and wiped the tears he barely knew had fallen. It was 2 am and not having the strength to try and sleep, Tony had wandered.
He backed away from his fathers office closing the door and trapping his vulnerability in the dark room.
When he turned no trace of the 8 year old lingered on his freshly shaven face, his perfectly polished smile deceiving all those who looked upon it with 20 years of harsh experience. He noted duly that there was no one to recieve his grin and let his face slide into something of a grimace. He applaude himself. Not even Pepper could distinguish between his genuity and the façade.
Ah.. Pepper… he thought to himself. Things had been going downhill. She no longer had the strength to care and every second he asked her to hurt her more than blows. He couldn't live up to her expectations and the disappointment was evident in her eyes. He desperately needed faith and Pepper could not provide him with any more chances.
He knew that. He just didn't want to know that.
But he couldn't look in the face of what could be when he knew damn well it never would be. He couldn't bare to see her face once more as he comes crashing through the window, her eyes big and red from staying up for news of his health, her screams echoing as he almost loses his grip. He wouldn't ruin her life anymore. He could do it, he could rise above that for Peppers sake.
He couldn't do it.
Fingers trembling Tony walked to his kitchen. The voices in his head threatening to take over his being as he opens the cupboard.
"The man who has everything but nothing…"
God damn it, why is everything empty?!
"We got a plan, we're going to stick to it!" Tony said staring into the face of the man who saved him. His hands were bloody from the wound in his chest. Please.. he thought. Please.. don't.
"This was always the plan, Stark."
Tony grabbed 5 bottles at random and slammed the door shut, it didn't matter that he didn't know what they were, everything in the cupboard contained alcohol.
And with those words Tony's resolve broke. The tears he had no control over resembled fountains as they poured out his eyes and the soft whimpering the only noise that betrayed him. The blood kept on pouring out of the professor.
"JARVIS block all calls to me, understand!?" Tony hissed as he almost ran down the stairs to get to his workshop. His heaven. His prison.
"Yes, sir."
"My familys dead.. I want this." His eyes became glassy, unreadable. Tony could no longer hold it in the sobs broke through his teeth like wrecking balls.
Stop it. "STOP IT!" He screamed at no body.
"Thank you for saving my life."
"Thank you for saving my life." Tony let the words out broken and jumbled as they may be. Bruised, twisted, broken beyond repair.
"STOP TALKING!" Tony smashed a bottle on the floor, grimacing when he realized the sound did nothing to bring him from his daze. "Don't talk. Save him… Just please fucking save him." He whispered as he slid the ground, bringing the bottle once more to his lips because for the life of him he didn't have the strength to block out his father's face, the death or Yinsen or even the Captains brilliant smile.
Tony woke in cold sweat to the sound of his buzzing mobile. Fingers fumbling and bottles flying everywhere he yanked it out his pocket at pressed it to his ear.
"Pep." He let out in a strangled voice, his voice struggling to get the words out.
"Tony." Her voice was cold, distant. And yet Tony let the relief fill his being, he let his heart expand and let his smile become elated. Her voice calmed him.
"What's up? You miss my sex already?" He asked, attempting to sound normal though his smile made it hard.
"No!.. I.. Tony.. I" Gone was the practical tone to her voice, gone was the distance and the icy feel. What replaced it made Tony's heart beat faster and faster, made his palms sweaty, and made his breathing become erratic. Pepper sounded confused, tired and hurt.
"Pepper, what's wrong?"
"Tony we need to talk." The ice crawled its way back to her voice.
"Do we? About what?" He answered, finding it harder than usual to apply his light-hearted tone to his words.
"Just. Just see me at some point, okay?" Pepper sounded small.
"Of course." He replied with no hesitation. He knew it was coming, cursing himself for not acting sooner. "Pepper?"
"Yeah, Tony?"
"I love you." It was a big risk on his part, one that he knew he'd pay for. But he needed to say it, he needed to let her know. There was a time when Pepper would laugh and shout those words back to him, or when she'd cry and punch him as she leaned in for a kiss. There was a time when he'd be content even if she didn't say it because in his heart he knew she did. He didn't deserve times like those.
Silence. His heart refused to slow. The pain squeezing his heart with every passing moment.
He should hang up now; he should save he the pain and guilt and hang up. But he couldn't bring himself to do it, he stayed on the phone waiting, waiting for what he knew would never come again.
"Tony, I have to go." Her words were thick and sad.
"Yeah. Bye." He replied curtly. His heart had quit its frantic beating and had settled into an unnerving pulse. He felt like screaming, he felt like crying and swearing. But most of all he felt like nothing. He felt like fading into the wall to become nothing, not letting anyone see him and therefore his vulnerabilities. He cursed himself for letting his walls down.
"I'm sorry.." She whispered before she hung up on him.
Tony closed his eyes, he didn't think. He didn't let himself. Because thinking would let that moment when he realizes how alone he truly was sink in.
When he's the only one standing there without the smile on his face. Going to the dances and the parties, and never accepting the society, never being able to relax, never being comforted by the purs of the women that lapped his bullshit and never truly understanding why he woke up next to unfamiliar eyes.
Part of him cares but the other is just so used to the ice, to the cold insomnia and isolation.
It's cold but maybe alone is better.
He stood up in one fluid motion and checked his watch, it'd been 8 hours since he'd let himself slip drunk and dazed into an unsatisfactory sleep on the cold floor of his workshop.
"Jarvis."
"Good morning, sir."
"Didn't I say to block all calls to me?"
"Yes, I recall however, Miss Potts was very worried and I assumed tha-"
"Don't ever fucking assume! What makes you think you can ignore what I say?! What makes you think you're above me?! You can't even fucking think. You're a fucking robot. Fucking piece of shit. Go on give me your best impression of the emotion hurt 'cos thats all it fucking is, a fucking impression. Cos you're not a fucking person and you dont fucking feel." Tony let the rambling words slip from his mouth a raged rush and in . He was so fucking angry.
Jarvis made no answer and already Tony regretted what he had said feeling evermore guilty but damned determined not to apologise. Flashes of his butler ran past his mind. The Jarvis that would tuck him in and wipe his tears, the Jarvis that promised him he'll always be safe.
"All my fucking friends are robots, and even they can't stand me" He snarled.
"Excuse me, sir, I apologise for interrupting your deep histrionic mood but Colonel Rhodes is attempting to access the workshop, should I grant him permission?" The sarcasm that seethed through the A.I's voice did not go unnoticed and Tony breathed out from his teeth knowing that at one point he would have to apologise to him. Not now though.
"Go ahead, you'd do it anyway."
"Sir, your faith in me truly is rattling."
Tony ignored JARVIS tone in favour of the bottle of scotch standing at his feet.
"STARK! Put the god-damn bottle down!" Rhodey rushed through the workshop and pried the alcohol from Tonys hands.
"Jesus, Jimmy, it's a bit of an ungodly hour to be shrieking like a siren, even if you'd make a stunning one" Tony replied winking and with one swift turn had another bottle to his mouth.
"Seriously Tony, will you just put the bottle down? Its too early to be drinking. How are you not being sick?"
Tony considered this, he considered putting the bottle down and remaining sober for the coming conversation, he considered drinking his way through the coming conversation. And then he considered puking his way through it.
He smashed the bottle against the wall. "Fine. Just 'cos I don't want to be sick..." He turned to face Rhodey and he stifled a laugh at the horrified expression on the col. face.
"Ha, ickle Jimmy got scared. Rhodey, now's not a good time, I'm stressed. And you did tell me to put the bottle down, so I did. All be it in an odd manner but hey at least I'm not drunk!"
"Tony. Man, you may be my best friend, but a) you don't get stressed, I doubt you even know what it means." He held up a hand to suppress Tony's retort about how his genuis outweighs the worlds put together. "and b) I didn't say throw at a wall! You just smashed a bottle of 40 year old macallan scotch right there." Rhodeys nostrils began to flare.
"Oh yeah!" He exclaimed, clicking his fingers. "You like that don't you? It's cool I'll have Happy take you to the factory or something. Hell I'll buy the factory! Starkallan... Macstarkan... Oh! I know! Every time you buy a bottle you get a fella free. 'Course some of us would be happier with a girl but hey whatever sucks your cock Rhodes."
"Yippie. You noticed." Rhodey replied immediately with a face straighter than the sexuality of Captain America.
Tony burst into howls of laughter and no longer able to contain himself at the sight of Tony on the floor he joined him in his uncontrollable fit of hysteria. Bending over with the sheer weight of his chuckles Rhodey wiped tears from his eyes. Tony sat up and slowly let the laughter fade.
"Come on, say it. I'm funny aren't I?" Rhodey grabbed his hand and helped him up.
"Your not funny and I'm not gay. There are some things you've got to learn to accept." He said guiding him out the workshop and up the stairs. "Come on Tony, don't tell me you forgot the summer of '05 already..."
"Summer of '05, summer of '05, blah blah, come on Rhodes, baby you gotta let that go."
"Tony you paid the god damn hotel staff, the fucking MALE hotel staff, to lock me in my room and attempt to sway my sexuality. If my puke on your shirt didn't phase you must be crazy. And by the way I will never forgive you for that, I still have nightmares about whipped cream and trolleys."
Tony laughed, genuinely, sincerely. He was happy he had Rhodey even if he knew he truly didnt deserve him. He could never get the hang of selfless.
As they reached the top of the stairs Tony's laughter began to fade quickly and surely.
"Your laughing but I swear to god at one point they even tried to lick my-"
Stood at the top of the stairs with his azure eyes wide and a pink blush on his cheeks was an angel.
He shouldn't be alive.
Thick blond hair combed and still slightly tousled, soft lips attempting to smile. And his eyes. His eyes full of hope, honour and trust. He was beautiful.
He grabbed Tony's hand and the warmth completely enveloped him.
"Hi, uh, I'm Steve Rogers." Tony felt his heart flutter, he couldn't ignore the way their hands sparked or how his eyes made every part of him melt.
Tony couldn't speak.
"Er. I'm sorry, ha, a lot of people were shocked. You look so much like... him." And with those words Tony froze. He yanked his hand back and they turned in to white knuckled fists. Rhodey sucked in through his teeth and placed himself slightly in between the two men
"Get out."
