Summary: Donna is on a date from hell…with Josh? Set in a non-descript time, probably late 4th to 5th season.
Chapter 1 - What's His Name and Kelly-'ho
Here I sit at a bar, waiting for a table, listening to my date talk about work. It's not the subject I would've chosen, but since work in this case is 8th grade algebra and not politics, it'll do. As he describes his students to me, I can't help wondering if any of the young girls have a crush on him. He's attractive, there's no way around it. Blue eyes, dirty blond hair, broad shoulders, white teeth, great smile, decent butt. His voice is a little monotone, but I figure that's about par for an 8th grade algebra teacher.
The more he talks, however, the more interested I become in my napkin. Only thirty minutes into the date and I'm bored already? My friend, Julie, keeps telling me to get away from politics, date "regular" people; is this what she had in mind? Passing out due to boredom thirty minutes into a date? Still, I can't lay all the blame on her, I'm the one who agreed, albeit reluctantly, when what's his name asked me out as we both stood sweating next to a pile of folded towels at the gym. Now I can't help wondering if they'll let me out of my contract early if this date goes badly.
I take a sip of my white wine and feign interest, but I'm going to literally scream if he doesn't change the subject soon. I don't give a shit about school assemblies and detention duty. Can't he tell that although I'm smiling, inside I'm beating my head against the table? Can we just get a table so we can eat and be done and I can go home and have Ben and Jerry's to "celebrate" another disastrous date?
Wait a minute. What in the hell? I glance at the door and I see Josh walk in with… her. Of course, by her, I mean Kelly, the short brunette lawyer from the Department of Health and Children who had a meeting with Josh in the Roosevelt Room today and then asked him out right in front of me. Show some respect, lady, it's the fucking White House. Sorry, this is my second glass of wine, which sometimes leads to swearing. Anyway, Josh glanced at me and smirked, and then accepted the little bitch's offer. Bastard. What the hell are they doing here?
Did I mention to Josh where… I can't remember his damn name…what's his name and I were going tonight? Is he following me? Because if he is, I'm going to kill him. It is certainly not ok for him to flaunt his date in front of me and still play the jealous card. He has to choose. He can flaunt or he can be adorably jealous, but not both.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure the blame can't be placed on Josh this time, which surprises me as much as it does you. What's his name didn't tell me where we were going until he picked me up, so there's no way Josh knew, which means he's not playing the jealous card, damn it. And why does that upset me? I'm supposed to be a strong, independent woman; why in the hell do I want my boss to act like a Neanderthal? I hang my head and sigh, knowing the answer to that question.
I laugh at something what's his name says, but I watch them move towards the bar, silently berating myself for paying more attention to them than to my own very good-looking date. I try once again to focus on his words, but I can't help leaving one eye on Josh. It's sick, I know, but I'm trying to see if his hand is on the small of her back, guiding her to the bar. I know I don't have a right to claim this as my thing, but…well…I do. Ah hah! He just stopped at Congressman Hamilton's table and pulled his hands out of his pocket to say hello! Yes! Again, I hang my head in shame.
When the Congressman points to me a minute later, I quickly turn my head back to what's his name, flashing him a big smile and nodding at whatever it is he's talking about, pretending to care. I put on my best "interested" face and ask if he's ever considered teaching high school math. He quirks his head to the left and stares at me, as if to say we've already covered that, and I bite my lip, knowing I've been caught not paying attention. I'm trying to think of something charming to say when I hear Josh call my name. Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
"Donna, hi," he shouts over the crowd from about five feet away, as he walks towards me, Kelly-'ho behind him. I'm gonna call her that. You don't mind, do you?
"Hey," I call back, acting surprised and nodding my head at him. From the corner of my eye, I see what's his name look at me and then follow the direction of my gaze.
Josh pushes his way through the crowd until he's standing next to me. "I didn't know you were going to be here," he says, smiling.
"I didn't know you were going to be here either," I say a little defensively. Where the hell did that come from?
"Spur of the moment decision. They're pretty busy tonight, I didn't even see you when I came in. Congressman Hamilton pointed you out to me," he says, hooking his thumb towards the congressman's table. Remind me to thank the good congressman later by, I don't know, egging his house.
"Oh? I didn't see him here," I lie, finishing my wine. "He talk your head off about 485?"
"Not too bad, it's his wife's birthday. She'd kill him if he spent the whole night talking shop." He looks me over, which is another one of the Neanderthal things he does that should piss me off as a strong independent woman. Instead, it makes me feel all warm and gooey inside. "You look nice. New dress?" he asks, motioning for the bartender.
"No, I just don't wear it that often," I say with a beaming smile on my face. A compliment from Josh is about the most amazing thing in the world, because he doesn't just hand them out. They're only given if he means them.
The bartender comes up and he orders. "Another glass of wine, and I'll have a whiskey sour," he says, handing the man a twenty.
"Hi, I'm Mike. Mike Grostefon." Oh shit! I totally forgot he was here. He stands up and sticks his hand out to Josh.
My mouth must be wide open in humiliation at having completely forgotten I'm here with a date. Josh looks equally as mortified as he looks behind him at a frowning Kelly-'ho. "I'm sorry," I say. "Mike, this is Josh. Josh, Mike."
Josh looks him over but doesn't reach out and shake his hand. Typical. "Nice to meet you," he says reluctantly. After that, there's a moment of awkward silence, while what's his n…Mike… stares at Josh and me and Kelly-'ho. "This is…Kelly," Josh finally says. Much to my disappointment, he leaves off the 'ho.
"Nice to see you again," she says to me. I recognize the 'I hate you and I know you hate me' fake smile she gives me immediately. I've seen it many times before from the women in Josh's life. I received it first from Mandy. I received it the most from Amy. I received it once from Joey Lucas when no one else was around, and I received it once from a male governor, whom for his protection, I won't name. After a second, Kelly-'ho turns to Mike. "It's a pleasure Mike. You're dating Donna?" Bitch.
"He's my date," I amend quickly, stealing a glance at Josh, who keeps his eye on Mike the whole time, but smirks a little when I correct her. Hmm, he's giving Mike the same look Kelly-'ho's giving me.
The bartender sits the two drinks down on the bar, and Josh stares at the glass of wine, no doubt wondering how he got into this mess. "Wine?" he weakly asks, offering the glass to Kelly-'ho.
"I don't drink white wine," she says, obviously irritated. I can't really blame her for this. Her date forgot she was here and ordered a drink for another woman. I knew he sucked at the woo thing, but this has got to be a bad one, even for him. "I'll have a gin and tonic."
"Right," he says slowly, handing me the wine and motioning once again for the bartender.
"How do you two know each other?" what's his… Mike asks hesitantly, motioning between Josh and me. I need to remember his name, don't I?
"We work together," Josh says quietly. I smile at him. I love how he never says, 'she works for me.'
"Oh!" Mike says, with a look of relief on his face. If only he knew… "That's great, you work at the White House too. Must be awesome." When he says this, I can't help staring at him. He hasn't asked me a single thing about the White House or my work. I mentioned when he asked me out that dates are sometimes hard to schedule in advance because of work emergencies. He asked where I work and I said the White House. He didn't seem to care, and it hasn't come up again.
Josh just nods at him. "And what do you do?"
"I teach. Eighth grade math."
Kelly-'ho takes the drink the bartender brought her from the bar and turns to Mike. "There's a push to get more men teaching in the elementary and middle school levels. Kids without fathers need male figures in their lives before high school." Don't. Don't start liking her because she works for the Department of Health and Children. She's just their lawyer. Learn from your past mistakes. You liked Amy at first because she worked for the Women's Leadership Coalition and made balloon animals for her nephews. Then she turned out to be the devil and made Josh's, and in the process, my life a living hell. Just take my word for it and hate this one from the beginning. She's the typical Josh-type woman. Power hungry and bitchy.
"Not to mention the need for their actual fathers," I say under my breath. Kelly-'ho looks at me and knows I'm being snide. Of course I'm being snide. You're on a date with my future husband! Am I supposed to bond with you in the ladies room while we powder our noses? And I had to be snide, because she was right, damn it. If she would've said something stupid, I could've showed intellectual superiority, but no…
"And Donna, do you like being Josh's secretary." Ouch. See, I told you to hate her.
"She's my assistant," Josh says sternly before I have a chance to say anything. Huh?
"Sorry, Donna," Kelly-'ho says with a big fat fake smile on her evil little face. "I didn't mean to be un-PC."
"That's ok, I don't mind," I say in my sweetest voice. "There's nothing wrong with being a secretary. You work hard, you earn a living, who cares what you do? Besides, Josh wouldn't make it a day without me." Take that, whore.
The conversation continues for a few more minutes, which means that basically, I'm in hell. I'm standing with the world's most boring, and possibly most attractive middle school math teacher on one side of me, who I'm on a date with by the way, the love of my life on the other side of me, who just happens to be my boss, and his date directly in front of me, who don't fool yourself, is shooting daggers at me every chance she gets. It can't get any worse than this.
What's his name is completely at ease here, which tells me that he either doesn't see the elephant in the room, or he sees it and likes watching it try to hide. Josh is having fun belittling him without belittling him, and Kelly-'ho is quite plainly a bitch and not trying to hide it at all. In the seven, oh God has it only been seven minutes, we've been standing here, she's managed to put down secretaries, professional baseball, and…well…me. This has got to be the worst first date of my life.
And what's with all the touching? Touching his hand, laughing at a joke he makes while lightly grabbing his forearm, batting her eyelashes and shifting into him…I could be sick. It's their first date; is she trying to mark her territory? Cause I gotta tell you; fifty bucks says if I leaned into him and kissed him on the cheek right now, he'd have me against this bar and naked before Kelly-'ho even knew what was happening.
Finally, just before I rip her hair out of her head, the hostess comes over to us. "I can seat you now."
"Us, or them?" what's his name asks. I've forgotten it again. Somehow, I'm not seeing a future here.
The hostess looks at her clipboard. I would love a job where I could control things just by looking at a clipboard. "Umm…I have a table for Grostefon, but it holds four if you'd like to dine together." Wow. That would suck.
"The two of you are welcome to join us," what's his name says to Josh. What?
"No!" I think I scream. Everyone looks at me like I'm nuts. They can't want to eat together. The last twelve minutes have been horrible; surely they've noticed it too. "I just…I…they're on their first date. We… don't want to disturb them."
Josh looks at me and smirks again. Oh no, I know that smirk. He's having fun with this. "Actually, I think it's a great idea. The four of us can get to know each other better," he says, holding his arm out to let me pass.
My eyes bug out of my head and I give him a 'you'll pay for this' look, but it's too late. We're being led to my death; it's in the shape of a table for four in the corner by the fireplace. Just kill me now.
