Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters associated with it.

Dear Edward,

There are some things you should never do. Never stalk a girl, scare said girl, enter into a relationship with her where you never speak of anything but how much you'd rather die than be without her, then go on to leave her, despite her insecurities in your relationship anyway. You saw how upset she was and didn't do anything-you suck. Plus, don't watch her while she sleeps without permission-it's just weird. And another thing-at least act happy once when your around her rather than broody. Oh, and when you go crawling back to her when she's found someone else, don't force her to chose. Oh yeah, and don't sparkle and call yourself a vegetarian vampire-it makes no sense!

Dear Bella,

Don't get obsessed over a guy because of looks and/or smell without speaking a normal word to him-what happened to average conversations? And stop being so typical, meek and clumsy, and abandon your friends the second you find a 'boyfriend', messing with their feelings. Also, don't mess with another man's feelings until your vampire boyfriend comes back, don't you see that deep relationships last longer? And another thing, when someone tells you they'd contemplate suicide at the mere thought of losing you, you don't believe it when they tell you they don't love you in suspicious circumstances. And at least try to accomplish something afterwards rather than weekly lying in bed day after day.

Dear Me

Stop writing letters to fictional characters and spend your day more productively.