Jade's POV.
'"Fuck!" I scream hitting the balcony outside my window, the same window Tori climbed up in one of her little goofy role-playing 'game' Where I was the beautiful and shy Juliet where she was the handsome and risky Romeo...God I miss her, so much..but I would rather swallow my foot then say that to one human being.
The only problem, there's already another human being that knows...
Cat has always been able to get under your skin, figure out your feeling's before you figure them out yourself, she done the same thing when I first met Beck. So, I assumed I did have a SMALL crush on Tori when she first got her...as time flew by, so did my feeling's. I ended up falling in love with the latina.
When I finally maned up and confronted her and told her how I felt, It was the most magical night of my life. I figured her entire body out, her weak spots, I found out how sweet and soft her skin felt. She made me feel so good, so loved. Beck honestly did not compare in any way. She made me feel like it was just us, the entire earths population just dropped dead.
I've always lived with regrets, and eventually, I regretted my existence. I don't even know who I am anymore, and I don't want to even try to figure it out. I've lived a life of pain and misery. Thats all I know, and if who I really am is anything along those lines, then I don't want to figure it out at all.
"Ahh!" I scream out at the top of my lungs gripping and pulling my hair out as well. They won't stop screaming at me, telling me how stupid I was to do to Victoria what I did, how now she hates me.. how she laughs at me behind my back..
Times like this, I'm glad my dad is always at work.. Not like my dad cares enough to actually help me through this.
He'd be better if I just left. Or even outing myself.
Honestly I've thought about it, almost every. single. day. It's not because Tori and I are over. Well, That's a HUGE reason, but it's not the main one.
It's the fact that I'll never get her back...
That and the voice in my head.
The one that's alway's hissing in my ear, that's alway's telling me how worthless I am. The one that mocks me for ever leaving Tori, even though he say's that I never deserved her. Which I know I don't.
And yep, you heard it right.
I, Jadelyn Autumn West is legally a Schizophrenic.
Black hair, that's it. I don't have the streaks in my hair in anymore because I'm not trying to impress anyone any longer, plum lips, and green eyes. Small ears, and an equally small nose. No piercings, just the one in my ear. The small scissor tattoo on my lower stomach and the star on my arm. I'm wearing a blue Hollywood Arts shirt, with simple sweatpants. It's only a half day today, so I'm not going to dress the best.
I'm zoning out of all the gothic crap. I don't want anyone to suspect anything and have more rumors spreading around then there already are.
I like how our so-called peers, can stab each other in the back and walk away like the knife they were using was just plastic and wont leave a scar.
I groan, throwing my bag over my shoulder and grabbing the keys to my black mustang convertible and head out the door. I check my phone looking for any missed messages or calls and once I see the date, I feel like my heart was struck by lightning.
Its February 11th, exactly one month since we broke up.
I can feel the tears in my eyes as I start running down Hollywood Hills street, where the Vega home is located. Its been getting so bad, (mine and Tori's relationship) where I'd run out of the house whenever she'd ask me a simple question. I'm so fucking stupid... it's not my fault exactly. There is this... Voice inside pf my head. Telling me to do bad things, telling me that Tori's going to do bad things. That she'll hurt me, that shes just going to leave or break me. I keep thinking that the voice is right, I mean, I don't know why he'd be there unless hes warning me. "Jade! Please wait!" The tapping of her Vans on the side-walk don't help the 'headache' I'm having. "Jade!" Before I take another step I feel her hand on my waist pulling me back to her, walking in front of me so she can face me. I can tell that she's been crying, and that shes hurt. I avoid any type of eye contact, I can't concentrate on two things at once, "What the hell happened?" "Shes faking sympathy." He's not yelling at me, hes basically whispering. But its WHAT he says that makes me want to curl up in a ball and wear headphones. Not like it would help. "Are you even listening to me?" its evident that tears are streaming out of her face, and there's nothing more I want to do right now then to hug her tightly.. but I cant. "Jadelyn Autumn West if-" "Tori. Stop. We need to just stop this. It's obvious that we're not working out, its better we just go back to before any of this happened, I'm sorry, but it's for the best. We're not good for each other." I'm avoiding her gaze, or her touch, or her attempt to even look at my feet. "What are you talking about?" "Tori, your not good for me, I can't be with you any longer."She chokes back her tears, I thought she'd be bawling, but I was wrong. It surprises me when she yells at me "WE'RE? No, its not 'we're', Its you. And we're fine. You've been upset or depressed and you wont even tell me why. You've kept to yourself for the past month, you wont even kiss me, or let me fucking hug you. and god forbid I reach for your hand at school without getting scolded. You need to check yourself. All I want Jade, all I NEED is my girlfriend. But I can't even have that, you wont even give me that." ...I've never seen her yell that loud, or get that angry. She turns to walk away. By the end I have tears in my eyes, and I do everything to stop myself from turning around and running to kiss her like some kind of romance movie. "Walk away. Shes better off, and you don't even deserve her." And that's what I did.
1 in every 100 people are affected by schizophrenia, and I know I'm not alone. But I do wish Tori knew about it. There are nights when I want to text her, and just write everything down, but what if she's happy without me?
"She probably is."Great... I don't want to do this here..
"Please, please, go away" I whisper in a hush volume, hopefully to where no one else can hear.
"Get over it. Where's Tori?" "Why would I know?" While collecting books out of my locker, and having a conversation with... myself. I put a pair of headbuds in my ear. So if people see me talking, they'll think I'm just singing. Maybe.
"Because you're looking for her." Sighing, annoyingly. I look down at my phone to see that I havent been playing music at all, and I only have a few more minutes untill 2nd period.
"Shes right behind you." and almost as on cue, I turn around and I see her just staring at me.
"Where you talking to yourself?" She looks honestly worried, or just bored. I decide to play it off. "No." Shooting herself an icy glare, I turn my heel and walk away.
"Good. Fucking. Job." I turn the corner heading to the asphalt café, in a hush-hush voice I whisper, "Please, stop."
When I don't get a reply, I feel releaved and I make my way to the usual lunch table. I didn't think I'd be late, but when I see the only seat open is next to Tori, I knew I should have hurried. I consider sitting by myself, or just eating in the school. But that would jump the rumor mill.
If you're at all curious, Beck and I have remained 'friends', but it does get a bit awkward now since he's dating Cat. Poor Robbie, right? He's single, and I'm sure it's going to stay like that. To my pleasure, Tori's not dating anyone, but I do see Andre` smiling at her all the time, and the way he walks as she walks away. Pisses me off. I never thought I'd be so jealous of him. But he's 'best friends' with the girl I'm in love with, and if you ever feel in love with a girl, and her best friend is someone you don't trust to be alone with her, you'd feel how I do. Every time they look at each other, or I see him look at her, I just get so upset, and jealous, that I'll completely ignore both of them. Andre` knows I don't like him and he knows why I don't.
You do crazy things when you're in love.
C'est La Vie.
I take my seat, and I open my salad container. I feel Tori tense up when she felt my leg touch hers on mistake. I mumble a sorry, and grab my fork, bumping into Cats right arm. She just laughs and gives me an apologetic look, I return a smile. Andre` pulls out two ear buds and gives one to Tori, who's sitting right next to him. "I wanna listen to music Andre`!" Cat whines, and he laughs and takes the buds out and pulls up his music app, "Ima play Tori's new song guys." Tori just gasps and says, "Your the one who sent it to me!" He laughs and looks at the girl as the music starts to play.
The beat, and music sounds amazing, by the way.
"The cycle repeated, as explosions broke in the sky. All that I needed, was the one thing I couldn't find. And you were there at the turn, waiting to let me know. We're building it up, to break it back down. We're building it up, to burn it down. We can't wait, to burn it to the ground."
Dammit. He sent this to Tori to remind her of our relationship.. but, it is pretty spot one. I'll be honest, I fucking hate Linkin Park. But SOME of their songs aren't that bad.
"The colors conflicted, as the flames flyed into the clouds. I wanted to fix this, but couldn't stop from tearing it down. And you were there at the turn, caught in the burning hole, and I was there at the turn waiting to let you know. Were building it up, to break it back down. Were building it up, to burn it down. We can't wait to burn it to the ground."
This actually stings. I honestly like this song, but knowing the meaning behind it, it makes me shiver. Andre` and Tori are just smiling, Cat and Beck are just listening to the music, and Robbie's just eating.
"You told me yes, you held me high. And I believed, when you told that lie. I played soldier, you played king. And struck me down, when I kissed that ring. You lost that right, to hold that crown. I built you up, but you let me down. So when you fall, I'll take my turn. And fan the flames as your blazes burn."
"Best part of the song." Andre` whispers to Tori, I clench my fist under the table when she just smiles and nods her head.
"And you were there at the turn waiting to let me know, We're building it up, to break it back down. We're building it up, to burn it down. We can't wait, to burn it to the ground. When you fall I'll take my turn, and fan the flames as your blazes burn. We cant wait to burn it to the ground. When you fall I'll take my turn, and fan the flames as your blazes burn. We cant wait to burn it to the ground."
You lost that right, to hold that crown. I built you up, but you let me down. It was actually a pretty damn amazing song.
I recognize the music of the next song, and Tori actually laughs when he just looks at her, about to burst out laughing.
"Now and then I think of when we were together, like when you said you felt so happy you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and its an ache I still remember. You can get addicted to a certain type of sadness, like reconigition to the end, always the end. So when you said we can not make sence, well you said we would still be friends, but I admit that I was glad, that it was over."
I try not to pay attention to the song, it use to make me cry every single time that I listened to it.
"But you didn't have to cut me off, make out like it never happened and that we we're nothing. And I don't even need your love. You treat me like a stranger and it feels so rough. No you didnt have to stoop so low, have your friends collect your records and change your number. Guess I don't need that tho. Now your just somebody that I use to know. Now your just somebody that I use to know. Now your just somebody that I use to know."
I just got out my notebook and my pen. I asked Cat to move over just a little bit so I could put my arm on the table. I'm left handed, so it's a bit hard to write in a crowded area.
Tori took his phone and changed the song,
"Cause I knew you were trouble, when you walked in. Shame on me how you took me places I've never been. Till you put me down, oh, I knew you were trouble when you walked in. Shame on me how you took me places I've never been. Now I'm laying on the cold hard ground. Trouble, trouble, trouble. Trouble, trouble, trouble."
Andre` takes his phone, "GAY", earning an open mouth from Tori, as I just glare at him. He freezes when he sees Tori's reaction, "I meant the song, Latina." Laughing, he gets up and throws his stuff away. The bell signals that lunch is over and 4th period is going to start in 10 minutes. Tori walks away in his direction and they walk to class together. I ask Cat if I could borrow her phone, and ignore her saying, "Don't get in trouble, Jade." You wouldn't believe it, but Cats actually more intelligent than half of the pot heads here.
She ACTS. She acts ditzy. Only the four of us know who she really is. For starters; her brother isn't crazy, he goes to NYU. She's close to having a 4.0 GPA, shes caring, and smart, shes drop dead beautiful, and I'd be lying if I said I never liked her as more then a friend. She was the first to know that I like girls and she was completely understanding when I told her I liked her and kissed her. She said we were best friends and that it would ruin the friendship and I can't lose Cat. So I understood and eventually got over her with time.
I walk in Sikowitz class, and we all had this class together. Beck and Cat sat in front holding hands, Robbie sat behind them, Andre` and Tori sat in the back, always talking and laughing. I always sat beside Cat and Beck. Class was boring, and eventually the day was over.
I was home, watching T.V. playing with Cats phone. I took a look at her pictures and I smiled at every one of them. A lot are of us, her and Beck, her and Tori. I cringe and pull up her messaging. A lot are from Beck, but I don't pry. I type a message to Tori.
"Whats going on with you and Andre`?" - Cat Valentine
It wasn't two minutes before I got a reply.
"What do you mean? He's my best friend, nothings going on." - Tori Vega
"I see the way you look at each other." - Cat Valentine
"So? Does that automatically make us in love with each other?" - Tori Vega
"You seem pissed off about something, i'm just looking out for you both. Forget it, bye." - Cat Valentine
"Cat, =\ I'm sorry." - Tori Vega
"Its whatever." - Cat Valentine
"Proof. She likes someone else." God damnint,
"Don't you ever leave me alone?" I say aloud.
"No."
I turn the T.V off and go to my room. I hear a buzz from my back pocket seeing that Tori texted back.
"I'm sorry, but i'm serious. Nothings going on with Andre`. I don't like him like that, I know he does, he's told me. But I change the subject every time he brings it up. I don't like anyone like that right now." - Tori Vega
She doesn't like anyone like that right now..?
"Then why flirt with him every second you're at school?" - Cat Valentine
"..Promise me that you wont tell Jade?" - Tori Vega
The look on my face right now, is an all time high.
"I promise, Tori." - Cat Valentine.
"Andre` keeps bringing up the fact that he likes me, and every time he does, I just smile, and walk away. Letting him wonder. I act the way I do at school, because I know it bothers Jade. She's hurt me so badly Cat. She deserves to get hurt." - Tori Vega
...What the hell is wrong with her?
"Your doing it on purpose? You're being a bitch to her Tori. You have no idea what type of shit she's going through, she NEEDS you. And your trying to upset her, and get her jealous, and purposely hurt her. I thought out of everyone you would be the one to never do that. i guess i was wrong." - Cat Valentine
"What type of shit SHES going through? She doesn't know what I've been going through, Cat... I've been cutting myself..." - Tori Everything around me just stopped, I don't know if I can breathe right now... Tori Vega
Tori. MY innocent, sweet, Tori... is slicing her skin open?
"..." - Cat Valentine
"How long?" - Cat Valentine
"Since we broke up..." - Tori Vega
"Who knows?" - Cat Valentine
"Andre`." - Tori Vega
"Where?" - Cat Valentine
"My legs.." - Tori Vega
"How many times have you done it?" - Cat Valentine
"A lot..." - Tori Vega
"How bad have you gotten?" - Cat Valentine
"What..?" - Tori Vega
"Whats the worse that you've done?" - Cat Valentine
"I've...I carved her name into my hip.." - Tori Vega
"How the hell can you be so stupid Victoria?" - Cat Valentine
"...This isn't Cat. Is it?" - Tori Vega
"No, Vega." - Jade West
