Okay, I'm not totally sure where this came from. Actually, I'm absolutely not sure.
Fair warning, this is not a happy go lucky piece.
I'm actually just quite curious as what you guys think of it. Should I leave it like this or do you guys want me to make a story out of it?
Let me know! Reviews are love!
Unfortunately neither NCIS LA or the characters Kensi & Deeks are mine. Thankfully the idea of this story is.
Two sides of the same coin. Fear and faith.
- Joseph Lalonde
There are two sides to every coin, yet it's the same coin. Whether it's heads or tails, the coin doesn't change. Fear and faith work in the same way. Fear is one side of the coin, faith is the other. The challenge is to live your life with the faith side up, leaving no room for fear.
Faith. Complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Being sure of the things we hope for and knowing something is real even if we don't always see it.
Faith, a word used as a synonym for hope, for trust, and for belief. But it's hard to have faith in something when all life has ever done is show you that it should be feared.
Kensi Marie Blye and Marty Deeks don't do faith. The years have made them both hard, their motto 'seeing is believing' is etched into their routines. Faith, for them, is just a silly five letter word that holds no merit and bears no meaning.
"Deeks, I just can't okay" Kensi's eyes are cast down, unable to look at her partner when she whispers the words that'll surely break him. She waits for the sound, the sound of shattering hearts, of footsteps fading into the background, the sound of her partner walking away from her. Them. This. Whatever this is.
It doesn't come.
Tilting her head up slightly, she regrets it the moment her eyes lock with his.
The silent defeat reflected in them is like a smoke screen waiting to be lifted.
"So that's it?" he all but manages to choke out "You're just going to give up? On this? On us? On me?"
Her brown eyes dart away from him once again and the silence tells him what he needs to know, and fears. There's no fight left in her. It's not like he can blame her, he's not sure how much more he can take himself.
Love is supposed to be liberating, free, hopeful and fun. It's not supposed to swallow you whole and make you wish you where four years old again, when your biggest problem that day would be whether or not your teacher would let you use the special crayons.
Placing his hand on her arm he wills her to look at her one last time. When she eventually does, the tears that stain her face almost make him double over in regret.
"It's okay, Kens" is all he manages to say before he scoops her up in his arms, giving her one last kiss on her forehead, lingering just a little bit longer, afraid of what will happen if he releases, let go. Time ticks by with both of them unwilling to move away from each other, away from the warmth of the embrace that has given them both so much strength and comfort in the past.
"Deeks" she whispers quietly, tucking her head securely under his chin. His name comes out strangled, pained, as if it costs her ever ounce of strength left to utter it. He waits for her to continue, but nothing comes. When she finally steps away from him minutes later she places both hands on his face. Her eyes bore into him, and she looks as if she's copying every inch of him into her brain for future reverence. As if she knows that this is the last time he'll ever look at her this way, with pure and total admiration and love. That this is the closest they'll ever get to let the other look inside, crumbling a piece of their strongly built walls.
It hurts, knowing that this is how far they're ever going to come. Kensi. Deeks. No Kensi and Deeks. Just Kensi, just Deeks. It has almost always been this way with them. Never together, but almost always not apart. If you looked for Kensi, you'd find Deeks about two feet away and vice versa. It's like he once said "If Kensi goes, I go. That's how we roll" The underlying deeper meaning not lost on both of them. The label of a relationship never stamped, to refrain from adding pressure to their 'thing'. Both knowing that they where in a relationship without actually naming it so. But when push came to shove, and things really started to move forward between them it was Kensi who once again pulled on the breaks and told him she cared about him too much to risk what they already had.
Deeks had found it ironic that by not wanting to lose one thing they would end up losing so much more.
"I'm sorry" He hears the words, they're silent, almost inaudible but they're there. He mentally scribbles them down, tucking it away safely in the back of his mind.
Maybe, he's going to need to hear them a couple more times before he can be okay. Tears are streaming down her face at a rapid pace now and he tries his best to swallows back his own, not wanting to upset her even more "Me too Kens, me too".
He realizes he needs to push through this, for both their sakes, he needs to still be able to work with her, without the promise of something more. He needs to box up his love for her, tuck it away safely in a place where it can't be reached.
Right now, looking at this beautiful but broken creature before him, he's not sure he can. Because how do you keep working as just partners, when there's so much clarity in the love you have for each other but so much confusion in how to deal with it?
How do you let go of the one person who broke down your defenses, pushed through your walls, wormed their way not only into your heart, but deep into your soul and latched on to you with everything they got? The simple answer? You can't, and you don't.
Yeah, told ya it wasn't a happy go lucky piece didn't I? Wanna kill me? Just wound me a little? Let me know so I can armor myself. I'll get Deek's beretta 92FS to protect me, it seems to have worked wonders for him ;-)
Would love to know what you think
Til next time!
