AN- So I know I promised to update Seeking the Truth this week, but I had an idea for a Christmas fic, and just had to do this Christmas special for you guys.
This story is a post-doomsday au, essentially the Doctor and Rose's first Christmas without each other. This first chapter is Rose's pov.
Oh the things that inspire me to write… like Christmas songs, especially extremely sad ones. This fic in particular was inspired by the song "Christmases When You Were Mine," which is by the amazing Taylor Swift. Even if you aren't a Taylor Swift fan, just go listen to this song and tell me the lyrics don't fit Rose and the Doctor almost perfectly! I have included some here, but please note this is neither complete nor in order, they are spliced in so as to fit the plot. For correct lyrics, go look it up, or better yet just go listen to it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, oh let me count the reasons why… I also do NOT own the song lyrics to "Christmases When You Were Mine." Taylor Swift does, and I would never ever ever be able to produce anything half as good.
Please take down the mistletoe
Cause I don't wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I need is miles away in a
Snow-covered little town
Momma's in the kitchen, worrying about me
Season's greetings, hope you're well
Well I'm doing all right if you were wondering
But lately I can never tell…
I've been doing fine without you, really,
Up until the night's got cold.
And everybody's here, except you, baby
Seems like everyone's got someone to hold…
I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when you were mine
~ Taylor Swift
Cause there were Christmases when I didn't
Wonder how you are tonight
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine.
Rose blinked away tears as she stood outside on the balcony. She couldn't bear to sit inside the mansion and put on fake smiles, play the part of the mysterious heiress Rose Tyler, Pete Tyler's long-lost daughter. She let out a bitter laugh, they had certainly gotten the lost part right. Her mum had tried to get her involved in the Christmas party, Jackie had taken to her new life as a socialite wife as if she'd been born into it, but what made her happy only made Rose miserable. Every day in the same four walls, a boring job and the promise of an impossible life on the slow path made Rose increasingly restless. She didn't want to be here, in an empty mansion with her mum and dad who acted like she might break if they so much as looked at her. She might just.
Rose wanted to be up there, in the stars shining bright with false promises, with a madman in a blue box-her madman and her blue box. And so, she reflected bitterly absentmindedly, swirling the drink in her hand without ever bringing it to her lips, she had taken a job at bloody Torchwood. Four months in and it still didn't feel right, working for the organization that had torn her from her universe and her Doctor, even if it was a parallel one. It was the only way she could feel close to him, to the life she missed, the adrenaline, the running, the saving the world, even the nearly-dying on a weekly basis bit. But she didn't fit there, no matter how hard she tried. Rose was too independent, didn't like to listen to superiors, at least not when they were being stupid, she reasoned, and disliked their favor for guns and lethal force. It certainly didn't help that she had no records of existence in Pete's world. He'd had to pull some strings to even get her into Torchwood, and now she was the privileged daughter who got access just 'cause. It didn't matter how many times she saved their arses, the other Torchwood members shunned her.
Jackie didn't know what to make of the position, caught between worry for her daughter's safety and the relief that she was doing something, anything since Bad Wolf Bay. Rose had overheard her say as much, and as she stood silently in the night air, she could remember the argument Jackie and Pete had had over her the night she told them she wanted to work for Torchwood.
"You're letting her- hell, you're helping her do this? You know how dangerous this stuff is Pete- aliens and Cybermen. I nearly lost her once, I won't do it again. We're finally a family, a proper one yeah? She can't-" Jackie broke off sniffling, and Rose felt guilt rise up in her for the worry she was causing her mum. Maybe she shouldn't work for Torchwood. Jackie didn't deserve this, she'd never understand why; Rose knew no one would, except maybe Mickey. Hell, half the time Rose didn't even know why she was doing something.
"It's her choice Jacks. Look, she's taking initiative, she's going out and finding a life for herself. You can't begrudge her that. The life she had with the Doctor, from what you told me, yes it was dangerous, but Rose loved it and we both know it. Could she ever really go back to 'normal?' Are any of us really normal? Transdimensional family and all," Pete gave a low laugh, andthat was the moment that Rose had decided she was proud to call this Pete her father, parallel universe or not. He understood her. Somehow, maybe it was losing his original Jackie, or fighting a war against the Cybermen, he knew that Rose just couldn't forget, couldn't move on.
She heard Jackie sobbing, and it was like a punch to the gut. Maybe it was just her mother's out of whack pregnancy hormones, but Rose knew it ran deeper than that, and she couldn't bear to keep hurting her. Or at least, she couldn't bear witness to the fallout of her actions. She also couldn't give up her new, unsatisfying job, the one thing linking her to him. So, she got her own flat and moved out of the mansion.
Rose blinked, gazing up at the sky and coming out of the memories like a daze. A flat, job, she'd even come to the Christmas Party, and rose hoped Mum and Pete and believed her charade, cause inside she was still broken and the domestics she'd come to hate so much were killing her. The door to the balcony slammed behind her, and Rose jumped, her untouched drink sloshing to the snow-covered ground far below the balcony. She whirled around, body already going into fight-or-flight, instincts honed from the years of running with the Doctor and the more recent Torchwood training.
"Hey Rose, no need to whip out a sword or something. It's just me. You've been out here a while, figured I'd make sure you're okay," Mickey said, his eyes dark with concern. Rose sighed, relaxing a bit.
"Darn, you mean my subtle attempt to escape was noticed? Press won't be following me out here next will they?" she asked with a weak grin. She tried to make it look real, she really did, but she just didn't have the energy and she could tell from the look on Mickey's face that he knew.
"Sure. Funny. And no press, just me. No one else would know where to look, except maybe Pete. Jackie's too wrapped up in the party. She loves this stuff too much, ya know? But Rose, you can tell me what's wrong… I know you." She fixed him with a contemplative look, taking in the concern in his dark eyes. He was the one she couldn't fool. He knew her- and the Doctor- too well.
"Just… thinking. Remembering," she said simply, giving up and pouring the rest of her drink off the balcony before tossing the glass down too as an afterthought. Mickey winced as the glass shattered on the hard ice crust down below. He came to stand beside Rose as she leaned against the railing, trying to ignore his concern. She had to fight it, if she let herself think back on all that she'd lost for even a moment, she'd break into a million pieces, and she didn't know if she could put them back together again.
"Him yeah?" Mickey asked, following her gaze to the stars above. So out of reach. Rose couldn't speak through the knot in her throat. She just nodded. "Bit hard, I s'pose, this Christmas I mean. I still remember last year. Do you want to talk about it?"
Rose tried, she really did, but suddenly she couldn't do it anymore. The memory of them all together last year, happy- Jackie, Mickey, her and the Doctor, eating turkey with those stupid paper crowns on their heads washed over her. Just being together, and she'd never have that again. It was more than the stars that she missed, the adventure; it was him. She turned and buried her face in Mickey's shoulder, silent sobs wracking her body and tears running uncontrollably down her face.
"Sshh, Rose it's okay, I know you miss him. It's going to take time, but you'll be ok."
"I'm never going to forget him Mickey, never going to regret him," she snapped, choking out between the barely restrained sobs. She wasn't even sure what she was going to do, only that it wasn't going to involve the Doctor, and then it didn't really matter anyway.
"Of course you'd never forget him, I don't think anyone could, not really the sort of man you can," Mickey paused, as if realizing perhaps this wasn't the time for jokes, and hurried on, "but you've got to move on Rose. You're strong. You can do something with your life besides pine away. I mean, you work constantly, you're never home, I can't even get you to go out for chips, and I know you don't sleep anymore."
"Oi, what, are you monitoring my house to see how long I sleep," she snapped, though he was maybe a bit right. Mickey fixed her with a stern look.
"I can see your log in times at Torchwood. You're there from 3 am to midnight. Every night. You're going to work yourself to death Rose."
"I don't need sleep," Rose mumbled. It was true, she thought, though she knew he wouldn't believe her. She could only sleep in little bursts, and that was usually punctuated with nightmares. It didn't matter. She was functioning pretty well on only a few hours a night, and she didn't see the big deal.
"Yes you do. You need to move on. I did from you after I realized I never had a chance with him there," Mickey said soothingly, then stopped awkwardly as he realized mentioning the Doctor was probably not the best way to make Rose feel better. Somewhere inside, Rose smiled a little at his awkwardness, but it was much deeper than her indignation and the whirlwind of emotions that had taken over her. She pulled away from his embrace, feeling the warmth of his skin leave her as the chilled night air whipped around her once more, but not caring.
"Everyday."
"What?" Mickey's face was surprised, confused.
"Everyday I shiver when I see the Torchwood logo, walk through those doors. I can't walk into my own office without remembering how I lost him because of parallel-them. But Torchwood's all I've got left, the only link to him- oh how ironic!" she said with a laugh, not caring how unhinged it sounded. The ones that had torn them apart were now all she had. For a despairing moment, and definitely not the first, Rose wished she had simply fallen into the void. Then she felt Mickey's arms around her again, and remembered him and Pete and Mum and how devastated they'd all be. And the Doctor would have blamed himself. This separation was awful, but at least he had the comfort that she was alive. She hoped he'd found someone else to travel with. She knew he was hurting, and that he'd push everyone away like his leather self had. While she had her family at least, he was all alone again.
"Look, if you're just going to waste yourself away, I'm not gonna stop you," Mickey made a motion to pull away and leave, but Rose held onto him tighter, and she felt the words rising, unbidden within her, unable to hold back any longer.
"It's just- all this. Mum's tried so hard, I've tried so hard to be happy and live my life, and I thought I was doing okay. I mean, yeah it still hurt, but I could go into work, think about other stuff, focus-" Rose heard Mickey's snort and looked up to see his raised eyebrows and incredulous look, "Okay obsess over work, and things were okay. I was, content I guess. Not happy but better. But then something like this, like Christmas, comes along and it's all torn back open, all fresh scars. It feels just like that first day again, and I don't know if I can go on knowing I'm always waiting for the next reminder," Rose took a deep breath, surprised that she'd even said that much. She didn't think she'd made a speech that long outside of work since she was trapped here.
"All we can do is go on. Just try, if not for yourself, or me, or your family, then for him. Be someone he could be proud of." Rose raised her eyes at this, feeling a spark of something- not hope, her life was still too despondent for that, maybe just a spark of life again, but it was something. She could do this.
"Okay… Oh look!" she said, pointing to a shooting star that had just appeared on the edge of the horizon, flashing into existence with a bright gold spark, way out in space. It was beautiful, and random, and clear, the golden-silver tail caught in burnt red flame and following a blue-rimmed ball of light. Rose couldn't help herself and didn't care how childish it was, she wished on it. She knew they were just balls of gas and ice; the Doctor had once taken her on a tour into a meteor shower. The glowing balls of fire whirled around them as they sat in the TARDIS, just on the edge of Earth's atmosphere. But they were still magical to here, these wish-granting lights far away in the sky. Her wish was impossible, he'd even said so, but maybe what Mickey had said wasn't. Rose shot him a sideways glance, he was looking back at her with a sad look on his face. He knew what she'd wished for, and he knew it was hopeless just as much as her. All they could do was go on.
Mickey gave Rose a final nod and turned back to the doors to the mansion. As he opened them, light, warmth, music and the slow murmur of voices spilled out. Rose felt despair threaten to overwhelm her again at the prospect of joining them, at trying to be a part of a world she'd never fit into.
"Coming in?" Mickey asked, his voice breaking her out of her thoughts. Rose wanted to be a part of it, she really did. She wanted to enjoy this holiday, the one that always used to be her favorite, with the family she'd gotten back. Mum and Dad, her soon-to-be-brother. But everyone in there had their lives, their loves, and she couldn't bear to be in the midst of all the other happy couples and families. Not just yet. Her heart was a million miles away, in another universe, and no amount of music, eggnog and small talk could fix that.
"I think I'll just stay out here a bit. I promise I'll come in eventually, just don't know when. I just need some time okay?" she said, reassuring Mickey, although he still looked anxious about leaving her out here. She saw his eyes drift past her to the balcony and the snow below. "Oh please, I'm not going to do something stupid like jump," she said rolling her eyes and deciding he didn't need to know she'd thought about it a time or two before. And then she softened her voice and looked at him, her best friend. "You're right. He… the Doctor wouldn't want me to waste my life away. Now go in, I promise I'll be okay." Mickey just gave her a look, and shrugged off his coat onto the chair by the window, then turned back to the door. He stopped, one hand on it, half in the doorway.
"Put that coat on. It's freezing out here and you're wearing a dress for g-d's sakes." Rose rolled her eyes and gave him a real smile, shooing him off with her hands. With that, Mickey slipped back inside the mansion and shut the door, and she was alone in the night air once more. She didn't bother with the coat, she really didn't need it. Rose rarely got cold anymore, she supposed it was her higher metabolism from the rigorous Torchwood training and her own pastime of running that was keeping her warm.
Rose cast a final glance at the stars, knowing she'd have to go back in soon or Jackie would notice she'd been gone and worry. The comet was still suspended in the sky, like a blazing streak of hope, and she distantly wondered why it was burning so slowly. And then the ache in her heart overwhelmed her again, though it was quieter this time, longing rather than a starburst of pain. She ached for the Christmas they'd spent together, the best memory she had of them as a family, her and the new-new Doctor, back when she was still frightened by how different he was. Now she knew he wasn't very different at all, just buried the darkness under manic energy and hugs, and she missed him, her pinstriped Doctor. Without her, she was afraid he'd give into the darkness and despair that had whirled around him when they first met, big ears and leather jacket. She just hoped he could forgive himself, and that he wouldn't give in to his recklessness and self-sacrificing tendencies.
Rose clenched her hands, wanting so badly to hold his hand once more, to take off running through the galaxy, like they'd promised each other-forevor. No one told her forever could be this short.
AN- I know this seems very angsty and sad, but I promise I won't leave Rose and the Doctor in misery- it is Christmas after all… miracles can happen. The next chapter will be from the Doctor's pov. Also, I'm sorry if Rose came off sort of self-pitying and OOC, but I figure she's probably reliving a lot of memories right now and her feelings are a bit raw. I tried to portray her trying to move on, but she just hasn't had enough time yet to get her life back together. Let me know how you felt about this chapter- reviews make me write faster you know! The next chapter will be up either the 21st or 22nd.
