I'm back! Been a while hasn't it. I was away for longer then I thought because had a small issue with my exams, but there done now so now I'm back.
This Story is a collection of One-Shots about the HIFLPD. They are mainly scenes or subplots which I thought about putting in the original story but couldn't find space for, so they are here instead. For those of you who haven't read "HIFL Law and Order Department" the story stars Hell Police force, which consists of Cell, Freeza, Cooler (all forced to do it as community service by the authorities) and Goku, the representative of the other world (who volunteered). Hell is slightly different to the version from the show but this and all other changes are done for the sake of comedy. Oh yes and when Cooler was killed by being ripped from the Big Gete Star he left most of his brain behind, you'll soon get the idea. Okay that's all the notes for now I hope you enjoy it…
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z or the intellectual property rights to any Formula one car, not even a Super Aguri.
Law and Order HIFL Department- The Shorts
Home Sweet Home
Cell is not a completely mindless killing machine. In fact during his life he had always had a certain philosophy. That was that life is short so we should always make the most of the time we have. Cell had lived but this motto, by spending his entire life in the pursuit of perfection so that he could fulfill his ambition to destroy the world. Sadly he had failed and was now dead. So he had had to come up with a new philosophy to "live" his death by. This is that death lasts for ever so there's no point rushing anything. Of course just because Cell lived by this motto didn't mean he encouraged others too…
"Haven't you finished that report yet!" demanded Cell. Goku looked up from the type writer.
"Not yet," he replied, "This report is important you know, I don't want to make any mistakes."
"That and you can only type with two figures," said Cell grumpily. "Can't you go back to heaven and finish it there?"
"No," said Goku "they don't allow type writers in heaven. They say that the noise they make ruins the atmosphere."
"Couldn't you use one of the really advanced computers they have in heaven?" asked Freeza, "Surely you could do it much quicker on one of those."
"No I couldn't use one of those," replied Goku still typing away.
"What?" exclaimed Cell, "I thought they all loved you up there after you saved the world so many times, so why won't those Kios let you use a computer?"
"Oh they would let me sit in front of the computer," clarified Goku, "Just I don't know how to use it; I was considering taking night classes though."
"I heard they didn't have night in heaven," said Freeza who appeared to have heard a lot about heaven.
"Well that's why it haven't got round to it yet," explained Goku. Cell sighed heavily. "Look," said Goku, "You two don't have to stay here, you can go home if you want."
"Err yes," said Cell looking nervous, "….home…" Goku frowned, but then returned to his typing. That was until Cooler entered the room.
"Home sweat home!" he declared taking off his holster and tie and casually throwing them away. Freeza and Cell ducked as the holster flew though the air; it hit the type writer causing ink to go flying all over Goku and the report. As the Saiyan tried to clean himself off Cooler collapsed onto a chair in the corner opened a cupboard and turned on the TV inside. "Time to see what's going on in Friends tonight!" he declared, "Do you think Ross and Rachel will get back together, Goku?"
"Who and Who?" asked Goku before something occurred to him, "Cooler why are you watching TV in the police station?"
"He's not!" declared Cell stepping in between Goku and the TV, "it's just a CCTV feed!"
"If that's the case," said Goku, leaning round Cell to look at the TV, "how come there are commercials?"
"Well you know how extreme advertising is these days," said Cell nervously, "they'll try anything to get ahead of the opposition."
"Like charging no interest on a new car loan for the first year," exclaimed Freeza looking at the TV, "that's really good!"
"Oh why bother to buy a car?" asked Cooler seriously, "It's just going to fall over the edge of a cliff. That's how they get you. Cause then you have to get a new one." The others looked at Cooler for a moment a shrugged.
"Just pay attention to the CCTV Cooler," said Goku turning away, "and let us know if you see a crime." Cooler looked puzzled for a minute.
"What's-?" he was began but Freeza smothered him with a pillow. Goku missed this as he was busy examining the ink covered report.
"Darn it!" he muttered, "this is ruined; I'll have to start again."
"That's the sixth time today," muttered Cell to Freeza. Goku didn't hear him.
"Where do we keep the spare typing paper?" he asked opening the first random cupboard he came across.
"Don't open that cupboard!" said Cell quickly.
"It's not a cupboard," said Goku continuing to open it suspiciously, "the door is to heavy… it's a refrigerator…full of food. What on Hell is or this stuff?"
"Err…" said Cell thinking as quickly as we could. Freeza came to his rescue.
"That's where we store the DNA samples," he said quickly.
"DNA samples?" asked Goku, "They look and smell like several varieties of cheeses, milk, orange juice and meat."
"That's not orange juice," said Cell quickly, "there urine samples! So don't drink it!" Goku froze with his mouth full of "orange juice"! He thought for a moment, shrugged and swallowed it.
"YUK!" exclaimed Freeza, trying not to be sick, "you just drank a urine sample!"
"Urine tastes a lot like orange juice," mused Goku, "anyway if you didn't want any one to drink it why did you put it in an orange juice carton!"
"It's a disguise," explained Freeza, "you know, just incase someone broke in here to destroy there urine or DNA sample to disrupt our investigation. They wouldn't be able to now, you see, err… because they would believe the fridge was full of burgers and orange juice, when it's actually full of the other stuff." He finished lamely.
"That does actually make sense," admitted Goku, "except for one thing. We have never used a DNA sample in an investigation, ever!"
"Hang on what about those really difficult cases we've solved?" asked Cell, "we used it in those."
"Apparently not," said Goku pulling a sheet of paper off the desk, "In fact according to the Independent Police Complains Department when ever a case looks even a little difficult to solve you two drag some random guy off the street and fabricate some evidence against him!"
"Or her," pointed out Freeza, "don't accuse us of being sexist."
"I can't believe they set that Independent body up!" grumbled Cell "I mean it's not like we can't handle our own complaints. Did you know they have over two thousand staff members? There are only four police officers to complain about!"
"And yet some how," said Goku narrowing his eyes at Cell and Freeza, "they are still over worked. Now don't change the subject, something fishy is going on here and I'm going to get to the bottom of it." Cell and Freeza desperately looked around for a distraction as Goku continued his search of the police station. Suddenly Cell grabbed the TV remote and changed the channel, he was in luck.
"Captain Goku!" exclaimed Cooler sitting up, "There's a crime being committed!"
"Really, where?" asked Goku his search temporarily forgotten.
"Dr Octopus is robbing New York City Bank," said Cooler, "this dose look kind of familiar though" he thought for a moment, "I believe Spider-man will deal with this."
"Spider-man has no legal jurisdiction in Hell!" snapped Goku, "we'll deal with this."
"Okay Freeza," said Cell, "let's go!"
"Oh no," said Goku blocking their path, "I know you two, you'll just stand there and let Spider-thingy do all the work and make us look bad! I'll deal with this, Freeza you write that report and Cell when I come back I want an explanation about everything that's been going on here okay."
"Sure thing Goku," said Cell. The Saiyan looked at him before hurrying out of the door.
"You know what the sad thing is," said Freeza once he had gone, "if he hadn't out witted us we would still be alive."
Goku returned three hours later.
"What took you so long?" asked Cell as he entered, Goku glared at him.
"What was I doing?" asked Goku, "I drove around Hell for two hours before someone told me that there is no New York City Bank in Hell!" he stomped over towards them, "Now I want – WAAAAA" said Goku as he tripped over something landing flat on his face. "WHAT ON HELL IS COOLER DOING ASLEEP ON THE FLOOR!" he practically screamed as he got up.
"He's sleeping on the floor today?" exclaimed Cell.
"Strange," agreed Freeza, "most Wednesdays he hangs from the ceiling." Goku glared at the still asleep Cooler before realizing something.
"Shouldn't you two be surprised that he's asleep in the police station at all?" asked Goku suspiciously.
"Well…." said Freeza and Cell looking at each other nervously.
"I knew it!" declared Goku triumphantly, "you three are living in the police station!"
"Okay, okay you caught us," said Cell, "we are living here, it's not like there's anything wrong with that is there?"
"It's a massive breech of regulations!" snapped Goku, "your living here at the taxpayer's expense! Why?"
"Well," explained Freeza, "It's much larger warmer and nicer then our old apartment." Goku looked around in a moment of suspended disbelief.
"It's a converted garage!" he pointed out at last (see I didn't forget).
"You have been to our last apartment right?" asked Freeza. Goku thought for a moment.
"Those good reasons aside you can't live here!" he said, "I'm going to have to throw you out!"
"But there are so many advantages to living here," said Freeza, "We'll never be late for work, there'll always be some security here."
"And it's not like we damage the place," said Cell, "we just watch TV, sleep, eat, play pool-"
"There's a pool!" exclaimed Goku in horror.
"No we play pool," explained Cell, lifting the lid off the evidence table to reveal a pool table beneath it.
"Oh," said Goku a lot more relaxed, "you know I've never played pool."
"Really," said Cell cunningly, "we should have a game." Cell quickly explained the rules to Goku who picked them up very quickly. "Okay one last thing," finished Cell, "Pool is a betting game so let say, every ball more then you I pot, I mean the winner pots, the loser gives him a small reward say 50 dollars."
"Sounds fair," said Goku, as Cell took his break. The Android winked at Freeza smuggle as he did so. Pay day was about to come early. Goku bent down and took his shoot. The target ball went strait into the middle of the pocket as the white bounced round the table, stopping right behind the next target ball.
"Beginners luck," said Cell dismissively.
"Probably," admitted Goku as he potted the second ball, "however I have noticed something," he continued as he potted the next ball, "this game is very similar to snooker."
"You play snooker," said Cell suddenly feeling faint.
"Well I only played in the amateur world championships," said Goku modestly, "everyone I knew used to say I was pretty good." Cell looked in his wallet.
"Excused me a sec," he said, "I need to find an ATM, or a load shark!" The android hurried off as Goku proceeded to clear the table.
"Well Cell owes me $450," he said to Freeza, "but it this is the kind of stuff you do in here during your spare time I can't see any problem with you staying here. It is good to know that you'll never be late to work after all."
"That's very decent of you Goku," said Freeza.
"Although I will be deducting rent from your salaries," Goku continued.
"You cold hearted bastard!" snapped Freeza, but Goku cut him off before he could say anymore.
"Now since I am your guest here," he said, "how about getting me a sandwich."
Okay folks that's the first story, please let me know what you think by sending me a review. Also if you have any request about situations you'd like to see our hero's in please let me know, I will accept request about other DBZ character as well, like Goten and Vegeta. I'll try to update this once a week. Okay I hope you enjoyed that and I'll be back soon.
