Link is a simple man. He leads a simple life, a life of trips to Lon Lon Ranch for the occasional jar of milk and adventures deep in the woods of Kokiri Forest to see an old friend. However, there is one thing about him that isn't so simple-his appearance. One glance causes the heart to stop, for his beauty reaches far beyond the stars and goddesses themselves. His hair is the embodiment of sunlight and joy, while his eyes seem to have entire deep blue oceans inside. If you look closely, you may even see a dolphin emerge from the depths. Even more enchanting are his clothes, for his boots are patent leather and his tunic is 100% cotton. Very soft, as if he is wearing a tunic of warm kitten fur. Every man wishes to be as captivating as Link, and every woman wishes she was a dude so she could also be as captivating as Link, because a woman with a man face would be a little odd.

It is a bright, crisp autumn day. Link is visiting childhood friends in Kokiri Forest, his old home. He is happy to see each and every one, until his eyes land upon Mido. Mido, that stupid son of a bitch. The asshole who kept him from the Great Deku Tree in his time of need. Perhaps Link will get revenge upon this little prick.

After catching up for hours and laughing until each person pissed themselves, Link says, "Would it be alright if I had some time alone with Mido?"

"Sure thing, ol' buddy ol' pal!" says Saria, as she rounds up da crew and herds them out. Link slowly turns his head to Mido, who is pissing his pants, but not from laughter.

"Mido, relax. I only wanted to mend our broken relationship, so we can be as close as Saria is to me," Link says gently. He smiles reassuringly, warming Mido's heart as if it was lightly roasted over a fire. Mido visibly relaxes, and smiles back.

"Hey, wanna go for a piggy back ride?" Link exclaims.

"Heck yeah!" shouts Mido. His eyes light up brighter than the afternoon sun. Link bends over, and Mido hops onto his back. Link holds onto his legs, but... uncomfortably tight.

"Hey, man, could you loosen up?" Mido asks.

"Nah, man. Nah," Link replies. He then bolts out the door, right in the direction of the exit. The exit to Hyrule Field.

"LINK, YOU DICK," Mido yells. He can feel his life force draining... Link can feel his strengthening. Link chuckles under his breath. He then leaps out onto the bridge separating the two domains, with Mido on the line between life and death. Link crouches down to Mido's eye level.

"Say hi to the Deku Tree for me, you sick fuck," Link whispers. He picks Mido up and throws him like a football out into Hyrule Field. He hears his last dying breath, it is almost erotic. In fact, it is erotic. Link shudders, resisting the urge to jack off right here and now. It can wait, he thinks.

He turns around, and is startled by the silhouettes of the Kokiri standing in the entrance. It is silent, and Link is frightened. Fortunately, Saria and her homies all burst into laughter.

"I never liked that dumb fuck anyway," Saria laughs. They all share a good chuckle as they try a new type of meat around a bonfire. It tastes like eternal child.