1. Ask him why he doesn't get a new master
2. Tell him that just because he's only Don Giovanni's servant doesn't make him any less evil than Don Giovanni
3. Run as he goes after you
4. Tell him you think Don Giovanni should give him a raise
5. Ask him where his name is in the catalog
6. Dodge his punches
7. Dye his hair pink
8. Dye Don Giovanni's hair pink and blame it on Leporello
9. Ask him how that thing with Donna Elvira went
10. Laugh as he stands there confused
11. Then tell him Donna Elvira likes him
12. Watch as she slaps him when he asks her about it
13. Laugh
14. Ask him over and over again why he is just Leporello and not Don Leporello—no matter how many times he tells you why, keep asking him!
15. Tell him you saw Don Giovanni seducing his wife and she was falling for it
16. Watch him cry
17. Tell the Commendatore statue that Leporello really killed him: he and Don Giovanni had just switched clothes like in the beginning!
18. Laugh as the statue comes to life and goes after Leporello
19. Laugh at how the statue calling "Leporello" doesn't sound right like when he sings "Don Giovanni"
20. Tell him you think his catalog aria is the stupidest aria ever written in the history of opera and that it's worse than that bit from Le Nozze di Figaro that he hates
21. Then play the music from Le Nozze di Figaro that he hates over and over and over again
22. *major spoiler* Tell him you wish he got dragged down to Hell too because he deserved it
23. Tell Don Ottavio that Leporello was really the one who tried to seduce Donna Anna and killed her father
24. Laugh as Don Ottavio goes after Leporello (seriously, though, what's Don Ottavio going to
do to him?)
25. Repeat steps 23 and 24 with Masetto—tell him Leporello tried to seduce Zerlina
26. Watch as Don Giovanni yells at him for all this confusion and madness
27. Make him wear a dress
28. One that belongs to Donna Anna
29. In public
30. Laugh
31. Laugh again as Don Giovanni thinks LEPORELLO is Donna Anna and tries to seduce him
32. Laugh AGAIN as Don Giovanni yells at him again for tricking him into trying to seduce his own servant
33. Make him watch Les Pêcheurs de Perles with you and when Nadir and Zurga sing their famous duet, say, "Aww, that's just like you and Don Giovanni!"
34. Then say, "Or at least you wish it was like you and Don Giovanni."
35. Laugh as he cries -or- if he tries to punch you, dodge his punches—again
