Thanks so much to all of you that reviewed my first story!

Here's another story from me--call it a working title :D

I've read so many stories where Leo was suicidal that I decided to write one for myself--only a liiiitle bit different.

Thanks to Akima, it has been brought to my attention that there is an age difference between chapters 1 and 4. The Turtles are 18, not 20, sorry! Thanks Akima!

Disclaimer: I don't own the TMNT. If wishes were wings...I'd be in orbit.


Splinter's death was difficult. They all knew it would be. It had always seemed like the aged rat would defy all natural laws like he usually did and live forever. But it was not to be. And for Raph, it was still too soon.

The eighteen-year-old stretched, glancing around at the near empty dinner table. He could hear Don and Mike in the other room, arguing good-naturedly over watching the construction of the Golden Gate Bridge on Discovery or The Tangler on Chiller. Those two had recovered the quickest. Raph figured it was Mike's nature to see the positive side of things, as well as Don's to see the scientific. As for himself, well…he never understood half the things that were wrong with Splinter, but he did know that age and one too many battles might have had something to do with it. None of them had any idea how long rats lived—even mutant ones—and Splinter had been alive much longer than the rest of them.

However, his thoughts weren't solely on Splinter—they lingered on the silent figure sitting to his right at the table, staring contemplatively into his ceramic tea mug.

Raph had always figured that when their sensei finally left them that Leo would take it the hardest. He was, after all, closest to the old rat. Not that they all weren't close, but Leo and Splinter were very much alike and they understood one another on a deeper level. So when the Master Splinter had finally moved on, they had all watched Leonardo like he was a bomb about to explode.

But he didn't. He'd wept with them, grieved with them, and seemed at peace with it. Just like he had been when he'd returned from his sojourn with the Ancient One. And he'd taken over Splinter's responsibilities without a hitch. Not taking the old rat's place—but filling in the gap with his presence, just being there, and keeping them on track.

But Raph wasn't convinced. He knew from his own experience that sometimes people hid things, kept them from others to keep them safe. He knew his big brother was prone to that sort of thing. And when the cork blew on people like that, the results could be ugly. So he kept a watchful eye out. Just in case.

"You could have done it, you know."

Leo's voice broke into his thoughts, startling him. "What?"

"Been the leader. You could have."

Raph couldn't believe what he was hearing. Was he right? Had the cork finally popped? The thought made his blood run cold. He cleared his throat. "What are you talking about?"

"You have always been strong, Raphael. Stronger than me." Leo continued as if he hadn't heard him, his voice clear and quiet. "I'd always wondered why he chose me. It wasn't until much later that I realized Sensei knew something I didn't. He knew us. It's who we are."

Raph was getting more freaked out by the minute. "Leo, what—" He cut off as his eldest brother drew a katana in one motion, bringing the blade to rest on his free palm, his other hand gracing the hilt. Leonardo looked into his reflection in the steel, before resting the hilt against his knee and running a finger down the shimmering blade.

"Just like he knew what weapons would suit us, too. What colors."

Raph had no idea what to do, now. He considered yelling for Donny, but he didn't want to push Leo further if he didn't have to. So he just nodded and said, "Yeah, blue for your calmness, purple for Don's logic, orange for Mikey's fun. What does that have to do with why you're leader?"

Leo smiled, still admiring the sharp edge of his weapon. Admiring it too much, Raph thought. He debated on the merits of taking it away from his brother right now, but again decided against it. It would be wiser to see where this went. Then he could take proper action.

Leo continued. "You forgot yourself, Raph. Red for fire. Passion. Loyalty. Temper. And in a funny way, freedom." He finally looked up from the katana and met Raphael's eyes. "And that's the crux of it. You have all the right stuff, but in exchange you'd have to give up the one thing that means the most to you. So Sensei chose me, because he already knew that I didn't need to make the same sacrifice."

"Leo," Raph began, trying to choose his words carefully. "I used ta be jealous of ya, I admit it. But not no more. You're my bro and I'd follow ya anywhere."

Leo blinked at him, seeming surprised. Then he laughed softly. "I know. I just…" He stopped for a minute, then stood, sheathing his sword. "I just wanted you to know that you are important, too. And…that if it came down to it, you could do just as good a job as me. Maybe better."

Raph worked his jaw, but no sound came out. This was it. Leo finally cracked. He wanted to jump up, wanted to shake his brother, tell him that thinking like this got him nowhere, to do…something. But he wasn't sure what to do. So he just sat there, as Leo smiled again at him, patted him on the shoulder, and left the room. He was still sitting there when Leo quelled the argument still going on and murmured a quiet goodnight to his other brothers.

He sat there for a good long while after that, after Don and Mike went to sleep, analyzing the conversation, wondering what his oldest brother was thinking. He didn't seem crazy. In fact, he seemed his normal self, if a bit introspective. He couldn't be thinking…that…could he? Not Leo, but…should he do something? Some kind of intervention or…or…what? What could he do that wouldn't set Leo off? They always rubbed each other the wrong way. Should he tell Donny?

And ruin his sleep? A chiding voice sounded in his head. You're being paranoid. This is Leo we're talking about, remember. Still…

In the morning, Raph told himself firmly. He'd check on Leo and watch over him all night, just in case. Then he could get it out in the morning, after everyone else had a good night's sleep. Decided, Raph rose to his feet and hurried down the hall, stopping in front of Leo's door. His brother was a notoriously light sleeper, so he eased the door open as quietly as he could and risked a peek inside.

Leo was a dim shape in the darkness. He didn't stir, even when Raph opened the door a bit wider and slipped inside. Making his way over to his big brother's bed, Raph was relieved to hear soft breaths, even with sleep. He sighed, then silently made his way over to the far wall and slid down it, settling into a lotus position. He would keep watch. All night. He did not notice when sleep claimed him.

When Raph woke up the next morning, he stretched, feeling the lazy swing of his hammock beneath him. Wait—hammock? Leo! He sat up so abruptly he upset the contraption and it dumped him unceremoniously on the hard sewer floor. He didn't even have the breath to curse as he scrambled clumsily to his feet and sprinted out of his room, skidding to a halt in front of Leo's door. He flung it open and ran inside, terrified by what he would see.

None of the horrifying images his mind had conjured in the seconds from his room to his brother's greeted his eyes, but another just as terrifying—and just like Leo. The bed was made, all was in perfect order…but Leonardo was gone.


Just fair warning--I read. A lot. And most of the stuff I read has cliffhangers. So I do, as well :D

Thanks for reading!