Disclaimer: I don't own Rizzoli and Isles
A/N Hey just saw Tears of a Clown and just had to write this, I'm not one for one shots, either reading or writing but for this one I figured less is more. I don't know if this is the interpretation the creators wanted us to have but this is what I saw while watching the latest episode. It absolutely killed me to see Lee Thompson Young again as well and the mood he was in kept making me thinking about how he was going to kill himself soon. I know I'm bringing down the mood, unfortunately this story really isn't going to bring it back up much. Spoilers for 4x13. All of it is Maura POV.
If You Love Someone, Set Them Free
"Unless I marry him, "said Jane effortlessly shattering Maura's world in just four simple words.
Maura has no idea how she could have gone through the rest of the evening after that proclamation from her best friend, she had no idea how her best friend could have gone on herself after so effectively destroying her semblance of reality.
All Maura knew that she had somehow managed to get out of the Retirement Center, gotten in her car, after watching Jane and Casey drive off into their happy little sunset, drove home and collapsed on the couch and cried her eyes out at the thought off her Jane marrying Lieutenant Colonel Casey Jones.
Maura woke up in the middle of the night; still in her work clothes, dried tear tracks on her face, she was angry with herself, she had warned herself a million times that that getting so close to another person would hurt, she had stonewalled so many people in her life to protect herself from the hurt she has suffered growing up but when she had met Jane; the beautiful detective had broken down her walls like they weren't even there, she had allowed Jane to remain thinking that she could just be her best friend and whatever hurt she could deliver would be minimal as she would never be as intimate as say a significant other would be.
However when she and Jane had been at odds with one another she had realized that this was the worst she had ever felt in her life. That was when she had first realized that Jane Rizzoli had become the most important person in her life and she felt sure that if she was allowed to be her friend again she would end up hurting her again, unfortunately she was just as sure that even if there was a sliver of hope of getting Jane's friendship back then she would grab it in a heartbeat. And so she had and now just as predicted Jane had, no matter how unknowingly, hurt her again.
As Dr Maura Isles locked up her door, turned off the lights and got ready for bed, she thought to herself about what she should do. Jane had a big decision to make but she also had to make one of her own. She had known for a while now that she was in love with her best friend, and she had also known that her feelings would never be returned; Jane was from a Catholic background which forbade homosexuality, she definitely only dated men and she absolutely hate being labeled as a 'dyke' or any other derogatory term that people like Detective Crowe liked to throw at her.
So what should Maura do? Should she pretend like nothing was wrong? Should she tell Jane to marry Casey who would definitely try to convince her to quit her job; effectively taking Jane away from her? Should she try to support whatever decision Jane made? Was she even going to be able to do that? And then as she turned in for the night, rolling onto her side of them bed leaving the other side for the phantom memories of Jane and her sleepovers, a thought that she had never considered came to her; Should she run?
She had no real need for her job except that she loved doing it and that ever since Jane had entered her life she had loved going to work with Jane, but she certainly didn't need it, maybe she should consider it. But then the pain that she would cause Jane at leaving without an explanation, the thought of her wondering tomorrow morning where her best friend went off to was too much to bear. She hated herself for it, Jane had certainly not thought of the pain she was causing Maura when she told her about the proposal but the fact still stood that she would be causing Jane pain and Maura Isles could never knowingly cause Jane Rizzoli any pain.
Maura turned on her side facing away from Jane's side and leaked more tears into her pillow. As sleep took over her from the exhaustion of the day she came to a decision; she would support Jane in whatever decision she made but if Jane said yes to Casey then Maura would tell Jane of her feelings and resign as Chief Medical Examiner and move somewhere else asking Jane to let her go, because she could never see herself being just friends with Jane after spilling that secret to her.
When Maura woke up the next day she felt a little bit better, not a whole lot but still ready to face the day, she figured that these were probably the last days that she would get to spend with her friend so she should make the best of them and called Jane up. She managed to keep her voice relatively steady as Jane informed her that Casey had gone for a run and that he would he back soon.
Maura asked if Jane would want to go on a run to the coffee shop this morning and when Jane said yes Maura managed a relieved smile; she didn't think Jane would want to stay apart from Casey more than necessary what with him leaving soon.
Maura fed Bass laid out her clothes for the day and donned her jogging attire, checking herself in the mirror; she was pretty sure she could imitate happiness for the rest of the day, and took off towards her friends house mentally reminding herself to put her house up for sale in the near future. She didn't think she would want a permanent address in Boston after she moved, she was already preparing for a fresh start in her head and this time no beautiful Italian detective dressed as a street worker was going to worm her way to her heart, she was going to weld that door shut permanently.
Maura took it as a small victory that she had interrupted what would surely have been more than a make out session between Jane and Casey but hearing Jane's sarcastic response of an orgy and what not she realized that maybe she shouldn't be inserting herself into their relationship, so she gave Jane an out from their run. Jane however chose to leave Casey and go on a run with her but all that did was make Maura confused.
She had managed to avoid giving her opinion on Casey's proposal in the morning, but when she saw Jane's impatience at getting the results from her autopsy she wanted to yell, 'But what about me? You always go to lunch with me.' She didn't though, but as she saw Jane leave her floor a smile on her face she realized things were already changing and she couldn't help but resent her friend for it a little bit. Jane had her family and some close friends aside from Maura, but every emotional connection that Maura had made while in Boston was all through Jane, did she even think of that before she started considering leaving to be a Generals wife?
Maura huffed and went up to get her own lunch, not wanting to be reminded of Jane she chose to go the cafe where Frosts girlfriend worked instead of Stanley's; while she loved the Rizzoli matriarch to death she knew Angela would know something was wrong with her instantly and she did not want to break out in hives today.
She had spotted the ring as soon as Jane had walked in the door. Maura always knew when Jane was headed towards her because of her distinct and clear steps so she saw the exact moment the brunette entered the lab, and due to her unhealthy obsession with the detective she immediately noticed the difference both in her demeanor and on her left ring finger.
She tried to down play it's significance to Jane because the idea of admitting to know the symbol of life long commitment and it pertaining to Jane and Casey made Maura want to cry, she couldn't help though the petulant question of whether or not Jane was going to leave them, them being mainly her. When Jane replied in the negative Maura breathed a sigh of relief but when she saw Jane looking wistfully down at the diamond she couldn't hold it in anymore and had to excuse herself.
Maura had hated herself for being happy that Casey and Jane weren't still a sure thing, that he had to leave quickly again and Jane didn't have to decide right now and so with the case closed Maura decided to treat herself and Jane to an impromptu massage session at the brunettes own home, she knew the decision still hung over the brunette but she hoped that the massueses could make them forget how their lives were changing for one blessed night at least.
They had talked about her spat with Frost and a little about the case but as promised they didn't mention Casey a lot and soon it was just a series of pleasurable groans and grunts as the tensions in both their backs eased.
Maura, Jane and Frost had sat at the table at the Dirty Robber for a little while longer until Frost who was on his third bottle begged off and left, leaving Maura alone with her best friend, Jane looked a lot more cheerful to her and Maura hoped it was her who had made her smile like that.
"I, uh, talked to Casey just now." she said and Maura felt her smile slip from her face, even separated by an entire ocean the man kept on butting in, of course it was Casey who put that smile on her face. "He was talking about putting in for his retirement and coming back home." she heard Jane say and decided that this was it.
It was clear that whatever fate or destiny that Jane believed in didn't want her and Jane to be together but she was not going to sit and cry while the love of her life, the real love of her life, talked about her impending engagement someone else.
She reached across the table for Jane's hand and cradled them delicately in her hands, she stroked the duplicate scars in each of her palms and spoke softly to them. "Jane I can't hear you talk about Casey anymore." she looked up into startled deep brown eyes. "I don't want you to marry him Jane." she said clearly.
Jane just stared at her.
"And the reason I don't want you to marry him is because," she paused to gather her courage and continued. "Because I'm in love with you Jane, I have been for a while."
She watched as Jane's eyes widened and her hands stilled completely. "I didn't tell you because I know you only think of me as a friend but I can't keep it in anymore."
She let go of Jane's hand and went to stand up. "I'm sorry for ruining our friendship Jane but I couldn't help but fall in love with you. I'm, uh, handing in my resignation tomorrow morning, I can't work with you, be in love with you and see you love somebody else, I'm not that strong. The years I have known you have been the best of my life, I will cherish them always. Goodbye Jane." She said as the tears finally broke through and she got up and walked away. As she turned back to look at the table Maura saw a shell shocked Jane staring after her, memorizing her beautiful features one more time Maura turned and left the Dirty Robber and Jane Rizzoli behind.
A/N: Sorry for the less than happy ending guys, I uh do have a second part of this story that is in Jane's POV and continues a little more farther than this but I keep thinking that as a full on angst story this is pretty good. It really all depends on you guys, review and tell me if you'd like to see the rest or if I should mark this oneshot as complete.
