A/N : Contains slash. A little twist here and there. Also no beta-ed. Oh, and I don't own anything and I get nothing profitable from this.
NO HAPPINESS WITH(OUT) A PRICE
Hold me
Teach me
Tell me what to do
But I'm not looking for a guide
I can't stand the light
Of the day outside
Feeling so cold inside your shadow
Watch me when I'm falling down
Step aside
Don't ask why
Let me down
Hit the ground
Bet you smile
Deep inside
-Lacuna Coil, Kill the light-
Prologue
He was not strong like everyone else believed him to be or expected him to be. As his father, Malcolm Hawke, passed away and the weight of responsibility toward his family's well being fell onto him, he tried to built his exterior, the image of him being all strong just for the sake of his family. And the fact of his nature being a mage was also the one that forced him to become strong to survive a possible threat from the Templars and Demons alike. So, along with times it was like a cursed mask for him, covering and hiding all his true feelings inside.
They did not know his fears or maybe they did not want to care, so he let them believed he was brave and unstoppable. They did not want to know that he was not some gods to bring them to a miracle but often he found them demanded more from him even after he had succeeded to save their sorry assess. They did not want to see the other part of him, the weak side of him which were capable of breaking and suffering from the heart breaks. They only wanted to see a Garrett Hawke, strong and tough like the walls of Kirkwall. They forgot that he had also a time limit and it only a matter of time until his outburst.
Then that time was happening. He saw a creature which was his mother before those bastard kidnapped her and recreated something that was made from women body parts that he believed were resembled his deceased wife. He saw red and no matter how many demons that the evil bastard called to kill him and his party, he disposed all of it. And when he had finally killed that disgusting blood mage and had his mother in his arms, all of his pretenses that he was so hard to build was begin to crack.
" I knew you would come..." His mother had told him with a sad eyes. He tried not to start shaking and worse crying but it was so hard when he looked at how pained and dispirited his mother actually was but she forced herself to smile at him and saying that she trusted him to come for her.
" Don't move mother. We will find a way to..." He needed to save her even though Anders had already told him that those bastard's magic whose keeping her alive, but he couldn't and did not want to believe that his mother was dying. He refused to do nothing to safe her. He rejected the fact that he was helpless once again to save his family from the clutch of death. First, his sister, Bethany, and now his mother. How could it be possible that he was able to save others people but not his own family?
" Shh. Don't fret darling..." His mother had shushed him gently. It was as if she had already welcomed death to come for her. But, he would not allow that. He wanted to save her.
"That man would have kept me trapped in here. But now...I'm free." His mother continued as her eyes began to dim slowly.
"I get to see Bethany again...and your father. But, you'll be here alone." She was right. He would be alone. Carver had left him to become his own man and also to become his threat, a Templar. Fenris had left him because his long forgotten past was coming so suddenly like a second blight to him and Fenris could not bear it while he was in presence of another. He knew that Fenris needed his time but why must he left him was still a misery to Garrett and that hurts. His friends also had their own bussiness. So, he was all alone. Even though loneliness was not a foreign concept to him but he was finally realized it through his mother's words that he still needed the company of others.
"I'll be fine, mother." He lied to her. He was never fine. It was just a facade. In fact he was ready to break.
"My little boy has become so strong." No! Don't say those cursed words. He was never be strong. He just pretended to be strong but in fact he was very fragile deep inside. Why was it that everyone always assumed that he was stronger and powerful? He was so sick of it.
" I love you. You've always made me so proud." It was her last words. It was sweet but as well heart breaking. He had always longed to hear it since his mother was always busy both with his siblings and their runaways so she didn't had a little time to tell him how much she loved him. But, to hear it when she was slowly closing her eyes to embrace her death was not something that he could be happy about.
"..." He could not reply her. He could not tell her that he loved her back. He just hung his head and watched her fading from the world of living. His friends were slowly gathering around him but he put no mind to their prescences. He was too overwhelmed by his grief and all of other feelings that he kept hidden all of this times. It was ready to come to the surface. But, he held it back. He would not had an emotional breakdown in front of his friends. So, he wore a mask of indifference and carried her body to their mansion.
He ignored and blocked away their looks of pity. He shrugged off Sebastian's offer to help him carry his mother. He did not want the concern that shone through Fenris's eyes. He did not need Anders to give him a comforting hugs. He did not need them. He just wanted to be alone and wallowing in his misery.
' Bring her to life...I can help you..' A dark voice had whispered inside his head. A demon. It knew that there was the side of him, a dark side of him who wanted to use every source possible to bring his mother back to life even though it was through the engagement with demons.
But, he shook his head and willed himself to stay rational. He might be a mage and he might be able to just give up into the temptation. But, he knew that it was not something that his mother wanted him to do. Also he was no better person than that bastard who killed her if he used the power of demon on her once more. He would only violated her for the second time and there was also no guarantee that she would remain the same person if he agreed with the demon. Moreover he did not want to lose his soul. He did not want to become an abomination.
So, he would just trying to accept the fact that he had just losing another important person in his life's even though it was only broke him more. If his heart was made from the glass then maybe it was already scattered around in a tiny little pieces. He then wondered if he could be healed. He felt so tired. He felt so broken...so alone.
"Rest well...mother..." He had finally arrived on the mansion and brought his mother straight to her room's. Bodahn ,Orana and even Sandal were questioning him confusedly when they saw him coming with his mother's dead body in his arms. He ignored them and kept walking until he reached her bedroom's and put her body gently on the bed. He caressed her cold face softly and whispered brokenly to her that he wanted her to find her peace in the afterlife.
"Goodbye...mother..." He choked on his words when he bid his farewell...his last farewell to her. He couldn't hold it back anymore. He began to shake and then followed by an anguish cry. He cried and sobbing uncontrollably. He fell down and weeping with his head flat with the floors. He did not care if he wept like a crying baby. It was just too much for him.
He wanted to let it go for once. He wanted to feel human for once. He needed a time to grieve properly not like the one with Bethany's death. He could not let himself to mourn over the loss of his sister that time when the threat of darkspawns were in front of their very eyes. So, this time he wanted to be free. All of the pent-up emotions about his loss, his guilt, his sadness, his anger, his fear and disappointment were flooding along with his tears. He was crying until he could feel only numbness. He then allowed the numbness to become his medicine. He would be fine. He was stronger than anyone else. Wasn't he?
' You are not strong. You failed your father. You are useless.' A dark voice had whispered again to him in the back of his mind. He must agreed to this one. It was true. He had failed to protect his family. He failed his father. He was not strong. He was weak and useless. He had torn apart his family. He had no excuse this time. It was right.
"Yes, you're right. I am useless and there's nothing for me to be here anymore." He stood up and wiped his eyes roughly. If he was useless so there's no meaning of his life, right? Why not end it then? He would be free for all the pretenses and he would be happy to join his father, mother and sister up there. There was not a heavy weight on his shoulders anymore.
He then began to cast a fireball and he was ready to be consumed by the fire. This time he would welcomed death. He would not fight it! But then he was interrupted by a knock on the door's.
"Master? Your uncle was coming." Bodahn's voice could be heard from behind the door's as he announced his uncle's arrival, Gamlen.
"Tell him to wait for me and meet me in my study." He cursed silently. It was so close. Why Bodahn had to interrupt him? He sighed heavily and threw a last glance to his mother's still body before he stepped outside from her room's. It could be wait. His suicide mission could wait at least until his mother's funeral and he swore that there would not be an interrupption again.
To be continue...
A/N : Sorry, but I just want to say that it is my first time writing DA 2 fic. I am usually writing about K-POP stars. And I am still trying to find a beta and you know that it is not an easy task. So, please don't critize me so hard. And, I am also want to inform you that maybe my Hawke's here is a little bit dark and tortured. But, I am sick playing those game as a Hero with a little expression about his feelings. So, the result is this story. Thank you.
