Co-written by: Crack God
Also co-written by: Saskura-Chan
Typed by: Saskura-Chan
Edited by: Crack God
Main story/idea by: Crack God
Obscene idiocies/ gross and disgusting unimportant ideas mostly done by: Saskura-Chan
Intentional ripping apart of important people and or inanimate objects and or story lines done by: Saskura-Chan
Big words by: Crack God
Summery: Naruto Uzumaki has never been the star of a Bitchball team, scoring homeruns while riding a bitch high above the ground. He knows no jutsus, has never helped to hatch a horny toad, and has never worn a clock of sexyness. All he knows is a high calorie life with the Akimichi's, a food obsessed family. Naruto's life is about to change when he gets a letter from a pigeon inviting him to HiddenWarts.
Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto or Harry Potter, we did not use any Harry Potter characters but we did rip-off the story layout and did our best to fuck it up. (Saskura-Chan: though if I had Sasuke in a closet…) BUT this really fucked up idea is ours, (Saskura-Chan: But the scar idea is mine!) (Crack God: sure it was) (Saskura-Chan: It was I who pitched the idea to you while you were eating ramen and I almost killed you…accidentally of course) (Crack God: hm…Oh yeah, now I remember…) (Saskura-Chan: Oh shit someone has to go get the dogs) (Crack God: Seriously?) (Saskura-Chan: it's a 104 degrees outside and they're frying) (Crack God…Shit)
Chapter One (Chapter 1)
Chapter Title: The Fox Who Lived
Mr. and Mrs. Akimichi, of number 4, Pleasantly Plump Drive, were proud to say they were pleasantly plump, thank you very much. They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in any religious fasting, because they just couldn't hold with such nonsense.
Mr. Akimichi was the director for a firm called ButterBalls, which made hard pretzel sticks and other eatable objects of the sort. He was an enormous, beefy, plump, and huge man with hardly any room left in his house. Mrs. Akimichi was twice his size, with blonde hair, who was 8 and a half feet tall, which came in very useful when spying on the neighbors. The Akimichi's had a young, but really big, son whose name was Choji and in their opinion there was no plumper child in the world.
The Akimichi's had all the food they wanted, but they also had a secret, and their greatest fear was that someone would confront them with IT. Their greatest fear was…broccoli. They couldn't bear if somebody found out about it.
When Mr. and Mrs. Akimichi woke up on a biscuit-less Tuesday, our fanfic starts. There was nothing about the dark, unyouthful (prior Gai sensei) rain clouds outside to suggest that youthful things would soon be happening all over the town. Mr. Akimichi sang 'ButterBalls I'm coming for you' as he picked out his least stained tie, and Mrs. Akimichi cursed heavily as she burned much needed (saskura-Chan: Right…) calories stepping out of bed.
None of them noticed a large pidgin fly past their window.
Mr. Akimichi went to work. Weird things happened at work. He heard people speaking of fish cakes. What was more disturbing was their choice of clothing; orange track suits. After a long hard day of work Mr. Akimichi returned home and told his wife about the incidents and she became increasingly hungry.
After each eating as much as a large whale the Akimichi's went to sleep unaware of what was happening that night. For sitting on a stump in the Akimichi garden was not a garden gnome but a toad, with a playboy magazine. From the other end of the street an old hag appeared, but not just any ordinary hag but a hag with huge breast(s). She also had blonde hair and brown eyes but that was unimportant because her jugs were huge!
She glanced at the toad with a disgusted look on her face. "Jiraiya, you damn pervert." She then did some really cool hand signs and the lights on the street went out. Then she walked over to the toad whom by now had turned into an old gray hermit. "Why the hell are you here Jiraiya sensei?"
"How did you know it was I?"
"The playboy."
"Very clever."
"Are you stiff yet?"
"I've been sitting like a garden gnome for 9 hours."
"All day? When there was a strip club on the corner?"
The wind blew across the drive. Jiraiya stood up, stretched and placed his magazine in his pocket. "I've been banned from the one on the corner." Jiraiya yawned. "So what really happened with the fox?"
"Gai and Kakashi are bringing his vessel and the boy's brother." As soon as Tsuande spoke the flapping of book pages and a flying turtle could be heard. Yes, that's right, a flying turtle. And if you're wondering what a flying turtle sounds like, it sounds like a flying turtle. Or does it?
Soon a silver haired man wearing a mask appeared, riding a giant copy of a book titled 'Make out Paradise' that just so happened to be levitating as well as moving. He looked fairly young, around the age of 14. Beside him was a giant turtle, yes the flying turtle, that was carrying another man. This man wore green spandex and had a soup-bowl haircut as well as very bushy eyebrows. Both of the men had a wrapped object carefully in their hands.
"Ah, Kakashi sensei," the old hag spoke to the silver haired man. "And I see you brought your damn book with you."
"Hey!" Kakashi whined. "I just got it a few days ago and I want to finish it!"
"Never fear, for the power of youth is here!" Gai sensei, the other man, youthfully exclaimed. Upon saying the words, cute little rabbits magically appeared, as well as mini rainbows and everything else of youth.
"So then, I assume the two are ready?" the hag asked.
"Yes, but the one who is now the vessel to the beast has gotten a really strangely shaped scar on his forehead," Kakashi replied.
"And what shape is it?" Jiraiya asked.
"Well, it's shaped like a penis, to put it bluntly," Kakashi answered. "I just hope that these Akimichi fellows don't find it too inappropriate. I heard that the have another kid already."
"Hmm, quite interesting," the hag stated. "At least he'll have his brother to defend him."
"Or the Akimichis might accidentally eat him," Jiraiya mumbled.
"Well, about that…" Gai said.
"What is it now, Gai sensei?" Jiraiya impatiently questioned.
"Well, I was wondering if I could keep his brother," Gai spoke. "His eyes are just too youthful!"
The hag and Jiraiya walked over to Gai sensei, who unwrapped the object in his arms. It was a baby boy with black hair, about one and half years old.
"Gai, he has bug eyes," the hag spoke.
"So can I please keep him! I promise to feed and water him everyday and I'll even walk him!" Gai sensei exclaimed.
"Well, he can't be separated from his brother," the hag answered. "But the house next door is for sale. I suggest you buy it if you want to keep the boy. He and his brother should have some sort of interaction, even if they don't find out that they are related."
"Thank you so much!" Gai youthfully exclaimed. "I promise I'll transform this town into the essence of youth!"
Then the hag walked over to Kakashi, who unwrapped his object. It too was a baby boy, though this one was considerably younger than the other was. He had blonde hair, a spiral shaped seal on his stomach, and sure enough, a scar on his forehead in the shape of a penis.
"So, how exactly are these two boys related to the Akimichi name?" Kakashi asked the hag.
The hag took out a piece of paper from her bra and read it. "Well, their uncle's mother's step son's aunt's father's cousin twice removed sister's neighbors' cats' friends pet mouse's cheeses connections is Akimichi."
"So basically they're not related." Kakashi sweat dropped.
"If you wish to put it that way, then yes." The hag replied.
"Then why bring him here?" Kakashi asked.
"I figured there'd be an abundance of food." The hag shrugged. "Any more questions?"
"Yeah, are those real?" Kakashi pointed at her chest.
The hag smashed Kakashi in the head and he was sent flying far, far away.
The hag picked up Kakashi's bundle and placed it on the Akimichi's doorstep with a giant orange flag, so that hopefully he wouldn't get stepped on the next morning. Next to the flag the hag placed an envelope that just so happened to have a letter in it.
Dear Mr. And Mrs. Akimichi,
I leave his young child in you care in the hope that he will get the nutrition he greatly needs. His name is Naruto Uzumaki and he is the fox boy who lived.
Good luck-Tsuande
P.S. Please don't eat him.
A breeze ruffed the food filled bushes of Pleasantly Plump Drive, which lay slightly disturbed under the now youthful night sky, the very last place you'd expect people to go hungry. Naruto Uzumaki rolled inside his blankets without waking up. One small-future-loving-ramen hand closed on the letter beside him and he snored on, not knowing he would probably be trampled to death in a few hours by Mrs. Akimichi's gigantic feet when she heard the ice-cream truck in the morning, nor that he would spend the next few weeks being squished, and smothered by Choji, whom he had no relation to. And this is how this fanfic starts and if you read it you better review it.
