Z/N: This is me squashing all of the little Naruto plot bunnies that pop up in my head on a daily basis without turning them into long works of fanfiction that will never get completed (or will take a long-ass time to complete). These ficlets will range from shonen-ai to crack. Some will be disturbing while others heart-wrenching. Some might feature your favorite Naruto character while others won't. Either way, I'm writing these drabbles for me, as a form of creative release. If you, as a reviewer, happen to stumble on a ficlet you enjoy, please review! It would make me very happy.
So read, enjoy, and indulge in my retarded fan girl ramblings!
These drabbles are NOT beta'd by the way. I'm going to do my best at finding my own mistakes and correcting them, but feel free to point them out to me as well.
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Title: Kushina and Mikoto
Rating: T
Pairings: Minato/Kushina, Fugaku/Mikoto, slight Naru/Sasu
Summary: The Uchiha-Uzumaki rivalry has been going on for quite awhile.
Warnings: Spoilers if you don't know who Naruto's are, Canon!AU (as in, if Naruto knew his parents and Sasuke's family drama never occurred), crack, language, major time fuckery
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. (Insert witty joke here)
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When They First Met
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Uchiha Mikoto was on her first, real mission as a genin with her squad (the other two members consisting of Namikaze Minato and Ragito Ryuu). She had her team had traveled to the Whirlpool Country. They were on their way to delivering a scroll to the daimyo of the country when it happened. Mikoto was attempting to woo Minato with her feminine wiles as they walked through the village when a group of jounin jumped right in front of their team, blocking their path.
"Uzumaki Kushina, stop your nonsense at once! You're surrounded! This is the last time you'll ever commit a foolish prank!" shouted a bald-headed jounin.
"Tch, you'll have to catch me first you bastards!" replied a female voice. "Kage Bushin no Jutsu!"
An abundance of red-haired, boyish-looking girls (flaunting a hideous shade of orange, Mikoto noted) hopped out from the circle of jounin. The clones jumped on rooftops and teased villagers and accidentally stomped all over Mikoto as the jounin chasing the girl dispersed, searching for the real Kushina among the groups of clones. Ryuu pointed and laughed at Mikoto's pain. Mikoto groaned.
"My…my back hurts! That little hussy! I can't believe she had the nerve to treat an Uchiha in such a manner! Minato-kun, can you please help me u—?"
Mikoto stopped and gasped. Instead of paying attention to her, Minato was chatting up a storm with the real Uzumaki girl. Minato looked genuinely interested as he laughed at whatever came out of the Uzumaki girl's mouth. Mikoto snarled as she quickly picked herself up, wiped the dirt off of her stylish tube-top and marched over to where Minato and Kushina were talking. Kushina looked at Mikoto and rubbed the back of her head, looking sheepish. "Oh! Hey there! I'm really sorry one of my clones stepped on you! It would suck if I had Leaf Village ninja think badly of the Whirlpool Country!"
Mikoto stared Kushina down with distaste. Short, dirty red hair. Fingernails bitten to the quick. That ugly orange vest with a stupid spiral. Sweating profusely. This girl is so disgusting; someone like Minato-kun would never be interested in such trash!
Mikoto smirked as she brushed a strand of shiny, black hair back. "Uzumaki-san, I'm not just any Leaf Village ninja. I am Mikoto of the famous Uchiha Clan."
"Yeah, the clan full of bitches," Ryuu murmured. Mikoto kicked Ryuu in the back of his legs. Kushina smiled brightly. "I never heard of your clan before!"
Mikoto's left eye twitched. This bitch is definitely asking for it!
The leader of their genin team, Hatake Sakumo, studied Kushina before placing a finger on his bottom lip. "Please, Uzumaki-san, forgive my cute little students for their rudeness. But, if you don't mind me asking, aren't you the daughter of the daimyo of this country? Uzumaki Takahiro?"
Kushina nodded. "Yes, I am! Why do you ask?"
Sakumo smiled. "Ah, how lucky we are to run into you then. Would you mind leading us to your father? We have an important scroll to deliver to him."
"Sure! I even know a shortcut, dattebayo!"
Ryuu smirked. "Hey, Mikoto, the face you're making right now makes you look uglier than usual."
Minato frowned at Ryuu. "Don't say that about Miko-chan. Ne, Miko-chan, are you alright? Do you need to rest?"
Mikoto held a hand to her forehead and eyed Kushina through lowered lashes. "I think I do need to rest Minato-kun. A certain loud tomboy's voice has suddenly made me ill…"
Kushina growled. "What the hell did I ever do to you Uchiha? I was being nice to you!"
"Ladies, especially ladies of royalty shouldn't curse and look so shabby," Mikoto replied, hiding behind Minato for safety measures.
"Shabby? I'll show you shabby right here you arrogant bitch!"
Minato panicked. "Now girls, we shouldn't fight—"
Ryuu snorted. "Namikaze let them. Maybe we'll finally see Mikoto do something beside flirt."
And that was how Mikoto's hatred for a certain tit-less home wrecker and Kushina's dislike for a certain conceited, useless Uchiha was born.
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Years Later
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Mikoto was recently promoted to the jounin level. She was currently looking for Minato in order to inform him of her new position. She really didn't care about asshole Ryuu. Sure, she was the last of her team to do so, and sure, she had to take the jounin exam several times, but at last she was completely worthy enough to be Minato's wife. Minato's plan for the future was to become Hokage, and if Minato kept on following his path of greatness, he would become Hokage in no time. Mikoto wanted to be the beautiful, strong woman standing by Minato's side when Minato places on his Hokage hat for the first time.
Mikoto finally found Minato at a dingy little ramen stand. He was slurping down a bowl of that fattening soup with none other than Uzumaki Kushina. Minato had various bandages and scars covering his body as did Kushina.
Minato swallowed a ramen noodle and smiled. "I just love eating a bowl of Ichiraku after an intense sparring session! You're amazing Kushina, I've never seen a kunoichi with that much talent before!"
Kushina poked Minato in the forehead. "Bastard. That's what you get for underestimating female ninja. That Rasengan attack was pretty brutal though. How did you come up with such a kick-ass technique?"
"I won't say a word until you tell me how you utilize your Kage Bushin technique so well!"
Mikoto froze in place as she stared at the two before her. A horrible realization dawned upon her.
You mean…to tell me…after all these years…being on the same team as Minato…pretending to be completely weak so that he could save me…avoiding ramen in order to stay thin…always worrying about my appearance…were really turn-offs to him? Does he think I'm nothing more than a spoiled brat with amazing hair? And…and Uzumaki Kushina! She doesn't look like a boy anymore! Damn you Uzumaki Kushina, damn you to hell!
Kushina's previously short hair had grown long and went past her waist; her hair was more of a gentle auburn rather than bright red color as well. She no longer had freckles, but peach-colored, creamy skin. Kushina had also taken care to dressing better (despite the fact she still wore orange) and she had breasts. Breasts that was bigger than Mikoto's own. Kushina was remarkably gorgeous.
"Hey, teme, why are you standing in the middle of the street like a lost puppy?"
The sound of Kushina's voice brought Mikoto out her thoughts. Mikoto glared back at Kushina with Sharingan eyes. "Tch, usuratonkachi, I'll have you know that you're speaking to a jounin! Ohohohohohohoho! And what rank are you again Uzumaki? Chunin?"
Kushina made a face. "Minato and I were just talking about how we're both getting inducted into the ANBU Black Ops. I'm surprised you made jounin though. Good for you! I always thought that you would have quit being a ninja and settle down as a housewife by now!"
Minato laughed nervously. He sensed both Mikoto and Kushina's respect chakras increasing. "Ah, Mikoto, would you like to join Kushina and me for a bowl? I'll pay!"
Mikoto reached into ninja pouch and pulled out several shurikin, throwing them at Kushina. Kushina jumped out of her seat and dodged at the shurikin attacked her half-empty ramen bowl instead of her. Mikoto smirked. "I'm still more special that you dobe! You'll never be able to reach my status as a lady of the Uchiha Clan, the best clan in the entire ninja world! Ohohohohohoho!"
"I'm going to take that stupid laugh of yours teme and shove it up your skinny ass! Kage Bushin no Jutsu!"
The owner of Ichiraku looked at Minato. "I hope you know you're paying for the damages sonny boy."
Minato looked into his emptying frog wallet and sighed softly.
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WHY ME?!
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When Mikoto came home later that day, her younger sister Minna tackled her to the ground. Mikoto cursed.
"Get off of me! Can't you see I'm injured you annoying brat?"
Minna ignored her sister's whining. "Ne, Mikoto, Mikoto, guess what? 'Tou-san and 'Kaa-san said that you're going to marry cousin Fugaku next Saturday! Hurry up and change into a nice kimono! Fugaku's here right now to see you! I think he bought you a ring!"
"He…he's eight years older than me…and…and my cousin," Mikoto said to Minna with wide eyes.
Minna shrugged. "How else are we supposed to preserve the Sharingan?"
An ear-splitting screech tore through the Uchiha Compound, and possibly the rest of Konoha.
Walking hand in hand down the street, Minato looked at Kushina.
"Did you hear something?"
Kushina shook her head. "Nope!"
"Ah…never mind then."
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It's a Boy?
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Uchiha Mikoto blinked as she held her second newborn child in her arms. Uchiha Fugaku cried tears of joy while pumping his fists in the air.
"Yes! It's a boy! A boy! The doctors were wrong! I'll have another Itachi to raise!"
Five year old Uchiha Itachi sighed. "So, okaa-san, what do you plan to do with all of the girl things you bought for the baby?"
Mikoto's left eye twitched in annoyance. "Why, Itachi darling, make him wear it of course! Those outfits did cost a lot of money and he does have my pretty looks after all, so he can easily pass for a girl! Ohohohohohohoho!"
Itachi ignored his mother and took to staring at his baby brother's extra toe. Incest had its consequences. Perhaps his mother's insanity was a consequence of incest as well.
Mikoto cradled Sasuke in her arms lovingly. "Ah, Fugaku, what shall we name our child? If he was a girl, I would have named him Sachiko."
"Why don't we name him Sasuke? After the famous ninja from the legends? I read about him in school today," Itachi offered.
"Ah…a strong, brilliant name of course! Good job Itachi! Uchiha Sasuke it is," Fugaku declared proudly. "I can only hope that he will be as wonderful as you are Itachi."
Itachi snorted unattractively.
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He Looks Just Like You
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Kushina pouted, just slightly as she stared at her newborn baby boy.
"You look just like your father...not even a bit like me…"
Minato rubbed her shoulders supportively. "There, there. If anything, I believe he has your personality. Look at him smiling and giggling already!"
Kushina smiled softly. "I suppose you're right. I want to name him…Naruto. Namikaze Uzumaki Naruto. I have a feeling that he's going to become a wonderful seme with a giant harem someday…"
Minato made a face. "…A fishcake? A seme? A harem? What are you planning to turn our son into?!"
Kushina smirked. "The next Hokage, of course."
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The Ninja Academy
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Namikaze Uzumaki Naruto had his nose pressed against another's.
"…You know, you're really pretty-like Sasuke, but 'kaa-san says I'm supposed to be your enemy. But I really want to be your friend, teme."
Uchiha Sasuke furrowed his eyebrows. "What did you just call me dobe?"
"…Pretty? You know, like girl-pretty."
"Ah. I was just making sure."
Umino Iruka ran over to where Naruto and Sasuke were playing as soon as he saw Sasuke slowly approach Naruto with a silver kunai in his right hand.
"Sasuke! Sasuke! Put that weapon down right NOW!"
"Ahhhhhhhhh! Iruka-sensei, save me! Sasuke-teme's crazy!"
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The Team 7 Mothers Chat
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Mrs. Haruno smiled as she took a sip of her oolong tea. "I'm sure that my Sakura will make a splendid ninja someday! She's very bright and determined, that girl!"
Mikoto chuckled softly she placed her teacup down on Mrs. Haruno's table. "Ah, silly civilian woman! My Sasuke says that your daughter is useless and spends all of her time chasing after him!"
Mrs. Haruno glared. "Excuse me?"
Kushina sipped at her instant ramen. "Mmm, Sakura-chan sounds a lot like you then, doesn't she Mikoto? My Naruto thinks your daughter is very cute, Haruno-san. She'll make a lovely addition to his harem."
This time, Mrs. Haruno spat out her tea. "EXCUSE ME?!"
Mikoto glared at Kushina. "At least MY son graduated at the top of his class! And your son, the Hokage's child, was last? What kind of crap is that? It goes to show that Uchihas WIN at life! Ohohohohohohoho!"
"Keep on laughing Mikoto, see if I don't shove a kunai down your—"
"HOW ABOUT THE BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" Mrs. Haruno roared, silencing both Kushina and Mikoto.
After a few moments, Kushina produced a low whistle. "Damn Haruno-san, you could make a really good sensei!"
"The both of you," Mrs. Haruno snarled, "get the hell out of my house. Now."
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Naruto and His Mom
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Kushina clasped her nimble hands together. "Okay sweetheart, I'm going to teach you something super special cool! It's an awesome attack that was created by yours truly! Once you use it, you'll be able to defeat that Uchiha brat in no time!"
Naruto bounced up and down with excitement. "Even better than kage bushin? Even better than the Sharingan and Rasengan?"
Kushina nodded. "Yep! It's called the Oiroke no Jutsu. And since Mikoto's kid an obvious queer, I'll teach you the shonen-ai edition!"
Naruto pumped a fist in the air. "Yosh! I'm finally going to kick Sasuke's ass and add him to my harem!"
Kushina patted her son's shoulder. "That's the spirit darling! Just don't tell your father! Now let's go out and have some miso ramen before we start your training! Sounds good?"
"You're definitely the best, dattebayo! I want ten bowls of ramen, heh, heh!"
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Sasuke and His Mom
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Sasuke frowned.
"Kaa-san, how is wearing a girl kimono and learning how to perform a tea ceremony make me a better ninja?"
Mikoto smiled. She wore a pink and blue kimono bearing the Uchiha family symbol on the back that matched her sons. Itachi thought that they looked very pretty together, dressed like that.
"Why Sasuke! Everyone knows that an excellent ninja needs to learn how to play other roles for undercover missions! Now pour your brother the tea. It's getting cold."
Sasuke sighed and poured as instructed. Mikoto smacked Sasuke's hand with a red and white uchiwa. "That's the wrong way. Your wrist was too limp my daughter—er, son! Ohohohohohohohoho!"
Itachi sipped some of his tea. It was delicious.
Fugaku and the other Uchiha men watched Sasuke and Mikoto's tea ceremony from behind a couch.
"She's….she's turning Itachi into a…a…a…NON-Itachi!" Fugaku cried, throwing his face into the palms of his hands in shame.
"Well. That's what you get for naming him SasUKE," Uchiha Shisui replied indifferently. "Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to get a cup a tea."
"Traitor," Fugaku hissed darkly.
Shisui chuckled softly at the remark. "Only if you knew old man…only if you knew…"
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The Big Day
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Punches. Kicks. Sweating. Heavy breathing. Two fifteen year old ninja giving it their all. One the son of the Hokage, the other a "prince" of the noble Uchiha Clan.
"Shonen-ai Oiroke no Jutsu!"
Two naked Narutos now stood in front of Sasuke, both entangling themselves in a provocative position. A mere wisp of smoke barely covered their crotches. Sasuke's left eye twitched.
"Usuratonkachi, what the fuck is this?"
One of the Narutos spoke, his voice deep, sultry, and seducing.
"Your hottest wet dream come true…Sasuke. Won't you indulge in us?"
The second Naruto suddenly tossed his head back and groaned as the first Naruto's hand right hand disappeared behind the shroud of smoke.
Blood began to gush out of Sasuke's nose. The Uchiha stumbled backwards, wavered, and twitched some more before passing out in a puddle of his own blood.
Naruto transformed back into his regular self and ran over to Sasuke, picking him up happily.
Mikoto fell to her knee and pulled her hair. "NOOOOOOOOOOO! This wasn't supposed to happen! Sasuke! You've disgraced our clan! You've betrayed us! Wake up damn you!"
Kushina clapped her hands together and cheered. "That's right Naruto! Use the power of your father's good looks! Own his pale skinny ass! Then make him your brid—"
Mikoto glared at Kushina and made a horrifying screeching noise before tackling Kushina to the ground in a bitch fight. The kind of fight that including a lot of smacking, cursing, and hair-pulling on Mikoto's part.
Nara Shikamaru, the only spectator who did not pass out from Naruto's sexy jutsu, walked away from Mikoto and Kushina's fight.
"Women can be so…fucking crazy," he murmured.
He then looked at the reader of this ficlet. "Heh, expected me to say troublesome, didn't you?"
XX End Ficlet XX
Z/N: Hatake Sakumo is Kakashi's daddy, by the way. Shikamaru rocks. And you all know you want to do the Uchiha Mikoto Laugh ©