She can't stop staring at that email, she must have read it 20 times, as if it would change somehow. What could Finn Hudson possibly want from her after five years? Five years. Had it really been that long? Had she stopped thinking about him for longer than a couple of hours at a time since? She knows that it isn't exactly healthy to think about her high school sweetheart as much as she does, especially considering how well things are going with Jesse. She knows that Jesse wonders about her sometimes, about whether she ever truly got over Finn. She'll never let him know the truth, she cares for him too much, but every so often she finds herself thinking about Finn, about what could have been, about what would have been if they had made different choices. It wasn't the type of thing she felt the need to rectify, she imagined everyone played the what if game once in awhile, she just wished she knew how to make it go away, how to make herself stop thinking about him so she could be truly happy for once. She had everything she ever wanted, a great life in New York, a promising career on the Broadway stage, a handsome, accomplished fiance, no real friends to distract her from reaching her myriad goals, no time to herself, no real connection to her family anymore, no Kurt, No Finn... Stop it Rachel she thinks to herself. This was what she wanted, what she always wanted and no lover could ever make her forget her one true love, performing onstage, when she was singing her heart out in front of a big audience it was the only time she ever felt something resembling contentment, it was her reason for living. But Finn Hudson, the same Finn Hudson who sent her this email telling her that he needs to see her, that it's important, that he has so many things to say and can only say them in person, Finn Hudson came so close, closer than any man ever did or could, and as content as she is on that stage, every once in awhile when the curtains drop she goes back to picturing Finn greeting her backstage with a bouquet of flowers and something inside her wants to cry a little.
She taps her fingers on her desk, deep in thought, should she respond? Should she ignore it and go on with her life? Should she immediately purchase the first round trip ticket she can get her hands on. She reads the letter again and knows her answer, she doesn't even bother to call before opening up the Expedia website. Jesse will understand, she'll say she wants to visit her dads, although they usually fly them out. Jesse couldn't have expected her to stay out of Ohio forever.
"I just don't understand, why now? Why after all this time?" Jesse says as Rachel packs her suitcase later that day. "It's not anybody's birthday, nobody's getting married and your reunion's not for another five years, don't you want to wait until you've won a Tony to go back and rub your success in everyone's faces?"
"It's not like going back to Lima means I can't be a New Yorker anymore, besides, that place isn't all bad memories, it would be really nice to see Kurt and Mr Schue and-
"Finn?" Jesse deduces slyly.
"I didn't say Finn," she replies, holding up her hands defensively.
"But you were thinking it," he continues. "Hey it's okay, it's normal to be curious."
"I'm not curious at all," she lies. "Not that running into Finn would be a bad thing, but it's not like I'm actively seeking him out or anything."
"Then why the sudden desire to go back to your dreaded hometown?"
"Well, why not?" She says, shrugging as she zips her suitcase. "I'm not doing a show at the moment, and you're going to be so busy this week with rehearsals, I just think now is as good a time as any."
"Okay," he says reluctantly, not looking entirely convinced. "Bring me back a T-shirt, something along the lines of Lima Ohio, where dreams go to die."
She rolls her eyes in good humor, but she has to admit the words sting a little considering she was one of only five of her friends to get out of Lima, and the only one who managed to get out of Ohio altogether. She shakes off the feelings of guilt, once upon a time they all cheered her on, even Kurt. She wouldn't let herself feel badly about going after the dream they all wanted for her. She just hopes that they don't make her feel badly about it either. Besides, Finn wants to see her, he can't hold any ill will toward her anymore, he was more proud of her than anyone when she left. He doesn't hate her, he never did... Right?
The flight took less than two hours, but it felt like years, she had never been more anxious in her entire life. How was it that giving a live performance in front of hundreds didn't faze her at all, but the very idea of seeing Finn Hudson again turned her knees into rubber and her hands into pools of sweat. She wipes her hands on her skirt as she waits for her dads. She considered asking Finn to pick her up, but she thought it might seem weird, they haven't talked for five years, to be in a car with him for an extended period would just be awkward. She greets her dads with a smile and a tight group hug, it had been three months since they last visited her in New York and it was clear in their faces how much they missed their daughter, she missed them too, so so much.
"Dad, Daddy," She says brightly as she breaks the hug and takes them in.
"Oh, honey, you look beautiful," Hiram says.
"I'm loving this hair," Leroy chimes in, touching her collarbone grazing bob.
"Really," She says, "I went in for a trim and they took off like four inches, Jesse hates it."
"Jesse a schmuck," Hiram jokes. "How is that kid anyway?"
"He's great," she says. "He's been so busy with rehearsals though, Rent opens in three weeks."
"Good for him, you know I always knew-
"So, are we ready to go," Rachel says, interrupting. She doesn't mean to be brusque, but the truth is her nerves are on fire with anticipation and she can't wait any longer.
"Of course honey," let me get your bags, Leroy says taking her suitcase off her hands.
She's not sure what has come over her, what inspired the silk blouse unbuttoned a little lower than necessary, the tight pencil skirt, the curl in her hair, the fuck me heels, the red lips. She's not trying to gloat in a 'you could have had me' kind of way, because the truth was she could have had him too, and she's certainly not trying to reignite some old flame, she could never do that to Jesse, and it would just be foolish to go down that road again, yet there she was, hiking up her bra on the Hudson-Hummel's front porch. She was a little shocked to read that he was still at home, she didn't judge or anything, but the last she heard he had started teaching autoshop at McKinley, that was almost two years ago, certainly he could have saved for an apartment by then. She shrugged it off as she finally got up the nerve to knock on the Hudson-Hummel's front door.
"Who is it?" A voice she didn't recognize called from behind the door.
"R-Rachel Berry," She answers, not as confidently as she would have liked. She hears the woman from inside unlock the deadbolt and as she opens the door Rachel is noticeably confused, she has certainly never seen this woman before. She is a short, older woman, in about her mid-fifties with a husky build and a pleasant face, but what really throws Rachel off are the scrubs that she's wearing.
"Um I'm sorry, did the Hudson-Hummels move?" Rachel says confusedly.
"Oh no, they've just stepped out for a bit, but Mr. Hudson's here, he's been waiting for you actually."
"I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but who are you?"
"I'm Mr. Hudson's nurse, but I'm only here twice a week, he's still pretty strong all things considered."
She thinks she's misheard her at first, surely she means Mr. Hummel's nurse, maybe Burt is having heart problems again, not that she would wish anything bad on Burt, but it couldn't be Finn, he was a 23 year old former athlete, why would he need a nurse?
"Wait you don't mean..."
"I'm sorry, bad habit, he always tells me to call him Finn," the nurse says, confirming her fears right then and there.
"Was Finn injured?" Rachel says, hoping that Finn's need for an in-home nurse was just an overreaction on his family's part.
"Oh poor dear, you haven't heard, I thought for sure he would have told you..."
"Told me what?" Rachel says, coming off as more angry and panicked than intended.
"Why don't I just take you to his room," she says darkly, and without any more words Rachel follows behind her, her palms still sweaty, her heart still hammering in her chest, until they reach Finn's room. Her breath seizes as they enter together, and as she sees him for the first time in five years. He's standing at his window, most likely looking down at her dad's car that she borrowed to come. She only sees him from behind, but she can tell at first glance that he's lost a lot of weight, his clothes are hanging on him and his shoulder blades are jutting out from the back, surely it's not Finn standing at the window, looking down at her dads car. But as he turns to face her, the blood runs cold in her veins and tears spring to her eyes. His eyebrows are gone, and she can't immediately tell by the skull cap he's wearing but she's pretty sure his hair is gone too, his already fair skin has faded to even paler, and his warm amber eyes are ringed with dark circles. It's him, it's undoubtedly him, she'd know those eyes anywhere, and that smile, he's smiling at her now as if nothing is different and she can't smile back because tears are still gathering in her eyes and it's taking all of her effort not to let them fall.
"Finn," she finally manages to choke out.
"Rachel," he replies, almost cheerfully even though his voice is noticeably weaker. "Oh my god, you look beautiful."
"Finn, what's going on here?" she says, her voice shaky and panicked. "What's happened to you"?
"I'll leave you two alone," the nurse says, ducking out.
"Thanks Trish," Finn says, as she nervously leaves.
"So, it's been a long time huh?" Finn says traipsing toward her slowly, but he stops short as he notices her tears. "Rachel, please don't cry you know I hate seeing you cry, I always have."
"You have...
"It's called a heart neuroblastoma," he says answering her question before she can finish asking it, putting a hand over his chest as he talks. "That's what the doctor said, as if just calling it cancer wasn't scary enough."
"Finn I don't understand this... how... I mean," she can't finish her thought, she can't even comprehend what she's thinking, it's just all wrong, this wasn't how this was supposed to go, to tell the truth she didn't know what to expect from seeing Finn again, but it certainly wasn't this.
"Look, I'm sorry I know I should have told you in the email but...
"Then why didn't you?" she says tearfully. "How could you keep this from me Finn? How could you just not tell me you were... I mean, are you?"
"Dying?" he guesses, and she simply nods.
"They stopped treatments, they're giving me a month," he continues carefully.
And at the words she collapses onto his bed, trying to hold herself together, trying to make sense of everything that has happened, and he sits beside her and tentatively places a hand on her shoulder. "Relax Rachel, breath," he says, moving his free hand in a soothing circle.
"How can you tell me to relax? How can you be so calm about this?" she says, still sobbing.
"Because I've had time," he reasons. "I cried and stuff too at first but now it's just something I've had to accept. It's going to happen whether I cry about it or not."
"But there has to be a way," she says frantically. "I mean, all of the advances in medical science..."
"Are the reason I've held on this long," he finishes. "The surgery and treatments were mostly just to buy me more time."
And she completely dissolves at that point, taking him by surprise as she wraps her arms around his shoulders and cries into his chest, realizing her mistake almost immediately.
"I'm sorry," she says breaking away from him and putting her hand over her mouth frantically. "I didn't..."
"It's okay, you can hug me, it's okay," he says, giving her a weak half smile, so she does, and he strokes her hair the way he used to as she cries, but instead of soothing her it only makes things more painful. As she holds him she notices how frail he's become, she can feel his bones beneath his thin shirt, strong, solid, huggable Finn, reduced to a bag of bones, this just wasn't right, none of this was right.
"I wondered why you wanted to see me, I just didn't think it would be like this," she says, still crying into his chest. "I'm so sorry Finn, I'm so sorry I didn't come home sooner."
"You had no way of knowing, I didn't tell you because... well, I don't know, I guess I just couldn't."
"Is this why you defriended me on facebook?" she says. and he chuckles a little.
"I'm sorry about that by the way."
"It's okay," she says, still holding him, not wanting to let him go.
"Look, I didn't call you down here just to tell you this," he says.
And she breaks from him and wipes away her tears, looking deeply into his eyes, the only part of him still as vibrant and alive as before.
"What else did you want to tell me?" she says weakly.
He gives her a long look trying to get up the nerve to say what he has to say next, he then quietly exhales as he opens his mouth to speak. "Rachel, there's something I want you to do for me."
And the angstaholic strikes again. The last time I wrote a story dealing with this subject matter (cancer) it ended in a pretty happy place, just a warning, this story will not. Yes, I am going to kill Finn, and it has nothing to do with how I feel about the character, he is my absolute favorite and always will be, but I have to kill him this time. The reason I'm telling you this now is firstly so you'll be ready for it when it happens and secondly because this story isn't about the suspense of whether he'll die or not, like Broken was in a lot of ways, it's about how he makes his last days count, and if you can bear it I think you'll end up really liking where I end up going with this. I kind of feel bad for writing this and Finn, Interrupted at the same time though. I promise I won't be such a freaking downer next time.