Spike is walking down the streets with a wife beater, a backwards hat, vent sunglasses and pants that are around his knees. He's strutting around like a damn cartoon character, walking by putting one leg directly in front of the other and swinging his arms about.
"Swag! YOLO! We is the bestest gangstas in dis hood! Fuck those gay hipsters doh, they n00bs!" Spike says to nobody as he does his retard walk. The cutie mark crusaders are watching him make a total ass of himself.
"What's Spike doin'?" Applebloom asks. The two others shrug.
"I'm gonna go ask my older sister!" Sweetie belle says. She walks over to Rarity's house. She walks inside to see Rarity inspecting a diamond.
"Hello, Sweetie belle, why are you here? Aren't you playing with your friends?" Rarity asks, not looking away from the diamond.
"Well, I had a question that I thought you'd be able to answer for me." Sweetie belle says. Rarity continues inspecting the diamond.
"Sure, ask away." Rarity says, still inspecting the diamond.
"What does swag mean?" Sweetie belle asks. Rarity stops inspecting the diamond, shocked to hear what Sweetie belle said, she shakily takes her glasses off.
"Why have you asked me this?" Rarity asks in a monotone tone.
"Spike was walking around yelling it." Sweetie belle says, now being a bit frightened. Rarity turns around to face Sweetie belle.
"I swear, I will kill that fat little fucker! Swag is he most used word in the whole fucking universe! Douche bags use it, your kids use it, your mailman uses it, and your fucking dog uses it! If you got swag, you generally wear those shitty hats sideways, and your ass hanging out like a fucking goof cause your pants are half way down your white ass legs! To break down the word, it means Shit Wearing Asshole Gaybian! It is also a word that means the way you represent yourself, baggy clothes, shitty hats, small penis and basically a way to say you're a fucking retard! Spike will pay for this!" Rarity yells. Sweetie belle is scared shitless.
"Okay….." Sweetie belle says. She slowly walks outside. Applebloom and Scootaloo are waiting for her.
"So, what does swag mean?" Scootaloo asks. Sweetie
"It means Shit Wearing Asshole Gaybian. Rarity said she'd make Spike pay for even uttering the word swag." Sweetie belle says.
"We gotta save Spike!" Applebloom says. Scootaloo ponders for a second.
"How? Rarity and Spike are dating! They go on a date to chuck e cheese every friday, and today is friday! Mmmm, I've got it! We're going to capture Spike and keep him somewhere every friday!" Sweetie belle says. Rarity is heading to the library. She has a push dagger. She looks pissed off.
"Rarity…..it doesn't have to end like this." a familiar voice says. Rarity looks around and takes out her push dagger. She turns in all directions but sees nobody.
"Who's there? Answer me, you scoundrel!" Rarity shouts.
"Tisk tisk tisk, so much rage directed at Spike and all you're going to do is stab him? With my help, little Rah-Rah, we can torture him!" the deep ominous says.
"Wait, who are you?" Rarity asks.
"Who do you think I am? I'm Discord!" he says. Rarity knocks on the door to the library. Spike walks out, licking a lolipop.
"Oh, hi Rarity! Are we going to chuck e cheese?" Spike asks.
"No, Spike, we're going somewhere different this time." Rarity says. She leads Spike into the woods, never telling him exactly where they were going.
"Okay, Spike! Here we are!" Rarity says. Spike finds himself in a place that looks like toontown, but the letters spell out "Trollville".
"What? Rarity, where are we?" Spike asks. When he doesn't get a response, he looks over to see that Rarity is gone.
"What?" Spike asks. The troll song starts playing. A table with candles and a platter piled with caramel apples and a glass of water off to the side on it rises from the ground.
"Oh, I'm pretty hungry! I'm gonna eat this shit!" Spike says. He takes a bite from one of the caramel apples and immediately starts crying.
"AAAAAAGH! It's an onion covered in caramel! I need to wash that shit down!" Spike yells. Spike takes a swig from the glass of water and immediately spits it out.
"That shit's salt water!" Spike yells even louder. Spike sees a water fountain and runs to it. He twists the knob and hot sauce goes into his mouth, making him cry harder. Spike screams and runs around before seeing Rarity in a revealing outfit walking up to him. She has a "do me" face on. Spike gets aroused as hell.
"Spike all alone and sitting in a tree, F.A.P.P.I.N.G!" Discord's voice sings. Rarity disappears in a puff of smoke. Spike looks like he's about to faint for he didn't know what was real anymore. He backed up and fell back towards a bench before Discord pulls it away, making him hit the brick road. The troll song stops as Spike sees Discord.
"Discord! Why are you trolling the shit outta me!? I was ready to kill myself after Rarity disappeared!" Spike screams.
"Look, Spike the dragon! Look upon the king you wronged! You refused to help me catch Star swirl the bearded, escaped my prison and then kicked me from the epic battle against the little assholes!" Discord yells. "Now I'm going to capture you outside of hell and your little whore and use you to make the fucko-lesbian horses come to me so I can trade their safety for Celestia's surrender! Then I can use her Sister whom I've already seduced to kill her, squashing any rebellion she could start!" Discord says.
"Wow, you just revealed your plan to me like a real villain….they're fucked!" Spike says.
"They're fucked? You too are just fodder for my plan as is Rarity!" Discord says. Spike looks legitimately shocked and afraid. Discord teleports them into a castle where Luna is sitting in one of two thrones. Spike and Rarity appear in a big bird cage above them. Discord gets in the other throne.
"Okay, for my plot you also need to get in the cage, honey." Disord says as the giant cage lowers. Discord spanks Luna as she climbs in. Discord makes a camera appear in front of them. The camera starts filming.
"Hello, Celestia! I'm back, and I've kidnapped your sister! I have also kidnapped Spike the dragon and his prissy little cock sock as well!" Discord says.
"Hey! I don't have sex with Rarity anymore now that I found out about her STD…..cooties." Spike says.
"I bet you can't get them back!" Discord says before the camera stops filming. Luna gets out of the cage and sits in the throne again. In ponyville, Twilight, Rainbow dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie pie and Applejack are walking towards Celestia in her palace.
"Okay, so Discord is back, and he's kidnapped Spike, Rarity and my sister. I am sending you to rescue them. I am giving you the elements of harmony to turn Discord into stone" Celestia says. She teleports them outside of ponyville with the elements.
"Okay! Let's go!" Twilight says. They head down the road. After about three hours of walking and talking, they stop at the side of the road and rest.
"Wait, did Celestia just not tell us where we're going but just sent us on a random path?" Rainbow dash asks.
"yeah, and how are we supposed to stop Discord if Rarity is captured? Seriously, we have to freeze Discord so we can save Rarity but then again we need Rarity to freeze Discord!" Applejack says.
"Yeah, this is why we should elect our leaders." Fluttershy says. The cutie mark crusaders are walking down the road as well.
"If I heard the princess's words correctly, if we follow the main 6 we can go and save Spike from Rarity!" Applebloom says.
"I bet Discord is near the big sign on the hill a few miles that way." Scootaloo says, pointing to the "trollville" sign that is a few miles away on a big, green hill as they walk past the main 6, or 5...yeah, 5. Spike is yelling stuff down at Discord.
"Yeah! You suck donkey balls, Discord! You fucking retarded crime against nature! You're girlfriend is uglier than that weird meth-head chrysalis bitch! I fucked your mom!" Spike yells down at Discord and Luna.
"Don't listen to him, he's a mentally challenged child." Discord says. Spike starts crying, jumping and stomping in the cage.
"I'm not retarded! Discord looks like fucking Stephen Hawking if someone yanked him out of his chair and broke every bone in his face!" Spike yells.
"Trixie! Come hither!" Discord calls. Trixie comes in wearing black wizard clothes.
"Yes, master!" She says.
"Those stupid ponies think that they can't stop me and are thinking about going home because Rarity isn't with them, and we can't have that. You need to go make yourself look like Rarity and bring them here, so when they all try to use their elements I can capture them." Discord says. Trixie transforms into Rarity and runs outside.
The main five are walking down the road the next day when they see Rarity go up to them.
"Hey, girls! Fashion, baby!" Rarity says in a honey booboo voice. The main five look sorta freaked out.
"Umm, Rarity?" Twilight asks.
"The one and only, baby cakes!" Rarity says.
"Whatever, now we can stop Discord!" Rainbow dash says. Twilight makes the element of generosity float onto Rarity's neck. "Here, I can use my magic to take us back to Discord's castle!" Rarity says. She makes a magical purple bubble appear around them and it lifts them all in the air and towards trollville.
"Wait, Rarity, I thought all you know how to do is lift the simplest of things!" Applejack says.
"Oh, shit!" Trixie says under her breath in her normal voice. She makes them fall out of the bubble. She falls in front of them and turns back into Trixie.
"I'm going to pwn your asses!" Trixie says. Her and Twilight start having one of those Harry Potter beam duels. Right as it looks like Trixie is going to win Applejack uses a rope and starts strangling her.
"You fuckin bitch! Yall really thought we wouldn't catch on to your shitty routine?" Applejack says as Trixie foams at the mouth and gasps. Trixie dies. The cutie mark crusaders are approaching Discord's castle.
"Hello!" Applebloom yells. Starswirl the bearded opens the door, looking like Theodore Roosevelt wearing Samurai armor without a helmet. He looks at them for a second before grabbing them and taking them to Discord.
"What is this? The cutie mark crusaders? Ah! I can use them as bait to motivate the rest of the main six to come to me again!" Discord laughs.
"And if they don't take the bait and think that you conjured up fakes?" Spike asks. Discord glares up at him.
"Well, I'll have them say something only they know about!" Discord says.
"But if only the cutie mark crusaders know about it, that means you could be making something up!" Spike says.
"I'm getting real tired of your shit, Spike!" Discord says. He makes a camera appear in front of him and the cutie mark crusaders and starts filming. A tv appears in front of the main five with Discord and the cutie mark crusaders on it.
"Hello, my little ponies! I have some fillies you may know! Come get them if you can!" Discord says.
"He's lying! Those are obviously just fakes!" Rainbow dash says. The main five go around the tv and keep going back to Canterlot.
"Mother fucker!" Discord yells. He makes the cutie mark crusaders float into the air before smashing them through a window, making them tumble down the mountain and die.
"Told you so!" Spike says. Discord looks up at him, his eyes ablaze.
"Listen here, you little shit! I'll kill you if you make one more damn peep!" Discord yells. Spike recoils in fear. Discord sits back in his throne. The main five are walking back to Canterlot.
"Okay I know the one person who can show us how to stop Discord without using the elements, logic, and make him go against every last thing he's ever said and done!" Pinkie pie says. The main five start walking to a cave in the side of a hill. There is a sign that says "badboylover69" above the entrance.
When they enter, they find a fat guy with tangled, fucked up hair sitting at a computer with posters of cartoon characters naked everywhere.
"I see you need help fighting Discord." badboylover69 says.
"How did you know?" fluttershy asks. A little snake slithers up and wraps itself around badboylover69's finger as he looks into it's eyes.
"A little friend told me." he says. "I will give you instructions on how to stop Discord, but only if I can watch one of you pee." badboylover69 says, holding out a scroll. Twilight makes the scroll levitate to her.
"Hey! That's mine!" he yells. The main five run outside. Applejack pushes a giant boulder in front of the entrance, making it so badboylover69 could never leave again and die in his little cave alone.
"You colossal bitch!" Discord yells. Spike looks to see Discord yelling at Luna. Luna runs outside.
"What's that about?" Spike asks.
"That whore went into my man-cave and fucked with my legos! My lego death star fell on the floor! Do you know how long it took me to make that? One fucking week of nonstop building and she fucked it all to hell!" Discord yells.
"So, you're willing to fuck your whole plan upside down for some legos? Spike asks as he sees Discord chase Luna outside.
Luna turns into nightmare moon and starts battling main five run into trollville to see Discord punching the shit out of her. Nightmare moon kicks Discord and uses her magic to make him fly back and crush a house. She zaps Discord, making a huge crater. Discord makes an anvil appear above Nightmare moon's head before it falls and kills her.
"What are you here to do!? Stop me!?" Discord yells. Twilight opens the scroll and starts reading it out loud.
"First, team, we need to...uh, get naked? Then we...let him into our love tunnels so he can taste our love juice? This is gross! We can't stop him like this! Wait, it says here we need to shoot him with a love arrow and make him fall in love with a rock so he slams his head into it, killing him and sending him back to hell, good enough." Twilight says.
She finds a love arrow in the scroll and lightly tosses it at Discord. It sinks deep into his ass. The first thing he sees is Rarity in the cage all of the way in his castle. He flies towards it and breaks the cage open. He grabs Rarity.
"No! Rarity!" Spike yells. Spike sees a magical typewriter that says "deus ex machina" on it. Spike crawls over to it. Spike panics as he watches Discord begin to rape Rarity. Spike starts typing random letters. A red motorcycle appears and Spike gets on it. Spike presses his foot on the pedal and it zooms forward. He runs over Discord and grabs Rarity.
"Oh, Spike! How did you figure out how to spell motorcycle?" Rarity asks.
"I still don't know, I just typed random letters." Spike says. They ride down to the rest of the main six.
"Spike! What did Discord plan to do with Equestria?" Twilight asks. Spike puts on a pair of sunglasses and a fake handlebar moustache.
"I'll tell all of you later, let's go home." Spike says. Spike puts his foot on the peddle and starts riding forward. Discord gets up. He zaps the motorcycle, turning it into cotton candy. Spike falls off of it. He skids ten feet across the pavement before stopping. Spike starts crying. Rarity gets off of the cotton candy motorcycle. Discord grows to be twenty five feet tall. Discord picks up Rarity as she kicks and screams.
"Put her down! You don't really love her!" Twilight yells. Discord gets pissed. He tosses Rarity behind him so he can do hand gestures as he lectures Twilight.
"I'll have you know, you book reading slut, Rarity is the love of my life! I've always been in love with her and would do nothing to hurt her!" Discord says. He crosses his arms and shuts his eyes,
"We are blissfully in love." Discord says. He opens his eyes and looks over his shoulder to see Rarity is seriously fucked up from her fall. She has cuts and bruises everywhere and is unconscious. Spike is trying to drag her away.
"Spike! You ugly motherfucker! You beat my lover half to death!" Discord yells, trying to make it look like Spike did it. Discord picks Spike up. He taps Spike on the head with one of his giant claws. Spike's body surges with electricity. Spike convulses before passing out. Rainbow dash flies over and pulls the arrow out of Discord. Discord blinks three times, not knowing where he is or what's going on.
"What the fuck was I doing? Oh yeah, I was going to cause chaos in ponyville!" Discord says. Twilight throws Rarity's element of harmony to her.
"Catch!" Twilight yells. Rarity catches it. The main six float in the air. Discord flaps his hand down and looks away.
"Pffft!" Discord says. He snaps his fingers and Applejack's flesh melts off. leaving her as just a skeleton. The main six fall to the ground. They all look in awe at Applejack's skeleton.
"There, now I can continue on with my conquest of the world!" Discord says. Discord flies away. The rest of the main six can't stop staring at the skeleton in shock.
"Well…...what now?" Pinkie pie asks. Spike crawls over to them. He is charred and is generaly just beaten up.
"We need to stop Discord!" Spike says.
"Spike, we can't stop him now! Applejack is dead, now we can't use the elements to stop him!" Twilight says.
"Can't I just use the typewriter to make a new Applejack?" Spike asks. Spike runs over to the typewriter. He sits in front of it.
"Alright, how do you spell Applejack?" Spike asks. The typewriter disappears. Spike starts raging out.
"Fucking fuck! That shit is fucking stupid!" Spike yells. Rarity walks up to Spike.
"It's okay, that hideous creature that lives in a shack in the woods due to being rejected from society can help us!" Rarity says.
"You mean Zecora?" Spike asks.
"Yeah, that's her!" Rarity says. Spike gets up and walks over to Twilight.
"Twilight, can we go back to ponyville?" Spike asks. Twilight starts pondering the question.
"Well, Discord probably went to ponyville first. Maybe Celestia can help us!" Twilight says.
"No, Celestia is a dummy!" Fluttershy says.
"Plus, Discord probably kidnapped Celestia so he can have sex with her, then attacked ponyville." Rainbow dash says.
"Okay, we are going to go through ponyville to find Zecora, then we can kill Discord!" Spike says. The main six and Spike leave trollville. 2 days later in ponyville, Discord is carrying a giant cage with Celestia in it towards a factory. He drags it in through the factor`y door. There is a platform twenty feet in the air with a pony in front of a typewriter. There is a noose hanging next to the platform. The pony keeps typing on the typewriter. There are conveyor belts with changelings on them everywhere. Discord drags the cage next to a reclining chair. He lets go and starts panting from exhaustion. Discord picks up a kfc bucket and starts eating fried chicken from it.
"Where am I? What is that pony doing? What are you eating?" Celestia asks, panicking. Discord stops eating.
"Well, this is my factory. That pony will keep making changelings with that magical typewriter until he kills himself! It's so funny when they keep looking over at the noose while they type, cuz you know what they're thinking! Anyway, I'm trying to kill every other villain here, so in producing changelings I will piss off that weird bug thing. And I am eating fine central american cuisine." Discord says. He tosses a chicken bone into a trash can. Ahuizotl skull is at the top of the trash pile.
"And Luna?" Celestia asks. Discord starts trying not to laugh. Celestia looks completely scared shitless.
"I killed her!" Discord says before bursting out in laughter. He rolls around laughing on the floor before stopping, looking up and seeing the pony hanged next to the platform. Discord starts laughing again before snapping his finger. the hanged pony disappears and another pony appears on the platform. Discord teleports himself back on his reclining chair, wiping a tear of laughter from his eye. He lets out a sigh.
"You're a monster, Discord!" Celestia says, starting to cry. Discord teleports in front of the cage, now with a white shirt, a set of glasses and a clip board.
"Well, from a technical standpoint, you are the monster!" Discord says. Celestia is shocked to see that she has been turned into the swamp thing. She screams. Discord bursts into laughter again. He points at her, changing her back into her normal self.
"My subjects will find me and stab the living fuck out of you!" Celestia shouts at Discord. Discord points to a giant, glass tank filling with changelings.
"What? After they've been mauled? I find that…..improbable. But in a world of chaos, anything can happen!" Discord says. The main five and Spike are walking to ponyville. Spike walks over to Rainbow dash. He nudges her shoulder.
"Hey, Rainbow, can I ride your back?" Spike asks. Rainbow dash looks over at him.
"No, go ask Fluttershy." Rainbow dash says. Spike walks up to Fluttershy.
"Fluttershy, can you carry me?" Spike asks.
"Well, why don't you get Twilight to teleport you there?" Fluttershy asks. A lightbulb appears over Spike's head. He walks over to Twilight.
"Twilight, teleport Discord here so I can kick his ass!" Spike says.
"Wouldn't it be a better Idea to teleport us to Zecora?" Twilight asks. Spike starts thinking.
"Okay, I'm going to teleport us to Zecora." Twilight says. Twilight's horn starts glowing. The main five and Spike teleport to the woods. They start walking up to Zecora's shack. When they enter, they find her vigorously masturbating on her bed. When she sees them, she stops and stands up.
"Hello, friends! How may I-"
"You need to bring Applejack back to life!" Spike interupts.
"Well, if you wish to bring back the dead, you must give me a drop of her blood so red." Zecora says. The ponies still have blood on them from Applejack melting.
"Here." Twilight says as she uses her magic to levitate the droplets of blood off of her coat and into a jar.
"Thank you, friend. That is all I will be needing. Now the ritual can begin." Zecora says. She draws a satan star in the dirt. She pours the blood of Applejack into five smaller cups and puts them at each point on the star. She holds up a baby goat and a knife.
"Lord of darkness! Bring back the fallen warrior whose vein's contents lat on the points of your unholy star!" Zecora shouts. Her eyes roll back into her dead. She shakily cuts the goat's neck and places it in the center of the star. The blood in the cups starts forming into red smoke as the goat is sucked into the earth. Applejack appears with a popping sound on the star. Zecora's eyes turn back to normal.
"Well, hey yall!" Applejack says. In ponyville, Discord is watching the seventh pony in a row start hanging himself. Queen Chrysalis busts down the door.
"Those are my fucking changelings! Why are you using them!?" Queen Chrysalis yells. Discord gets off of his recliner.
"Where's the fun in making sense? I just want to take over Equestria. I will put these things to good use, I won't be defeated by lovey dovey shit like your pathetic ass!" Discord says. Queen chrysalis gets pissed and shoots a laser at Discord. Discord dodges it. The laser hits Celestia's cage, busting a hole in it. Discord shoots a beam of chocolate milk at Queen Chrysalis as she shoots a beam of green lasers at him, making a harry potter sort of thing.
The two beams collide. Discord and Queen Chrysalis both keep shooting their beams at each other for a good minute before Queen Chrysalis' neck is broken. Discord looks in astonishment to see that Applejack broke her neck. Celestia runs up behind him and grabs him.
"Shoot him! Turn him back to stone!" Celestia yells. The main six start getting in formation as Discord yells profanities.
"You swashbuckling bitch! How dare you grab me! I'll fucking rape you to death once I get you off of me!" Discord yells. The main six shoot the weird harmony beam. It turns Discord into stone. Celestia lets go of him and walks up to Twilight.
"Good job, my little ponies! I can't-" Twilight bitch slaps Celestia.
"We had to fucking do all this shit to kill discord because of you! I was seriously tempted to let him rape you before we saved you, you dumb bitch! We are taking you're retarded ass out of office!" Twilight yells. And then, the story ends with the typewriter being put back into the library, the tank of changelings being filled with water and Celestia cheating her way into office again...how happy.