"...the one thing you fear the most?"
She laughs bitterly, "Fear?" takes a deep breath, hides behind her facade, "you know there's no room for that in our line of work"
"I know," he sighs "but I'm still scared"
"Of what?"
He stretches his hand towards the night sky, it's pale and flesh and human. He tries hard to feel the warmth of the blood pumping beneath the skin barrier – a soothing rhythmic pulse that reminds him that he is more than just a dispensable soul.
"Losing myself"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Something's wrong with my cassette player,
It keeps playing the same song over and over
Cassette Player
.
His vision shifted, as his sense of balance was thrown. Disorientated, he registered briefly the warning signal of his EVA before another large crash rocked the vessel.
"Shinji! Shinji get a grip!" came the frantic voice of Misato, "Godamnit, abort EVA-01!" she then screamed after receiving no response from its pilot.
He was gasping now, the LCL having drained completely from the Evangelion. The connection was instable and fluctuating, further straining the synchronization with his EVA. The advantage the Angel had over his loss of control were the least of his worries, Shinji knew that this time was different; he had felt it during the launch – that foreign yet familiar entity that lurked in the back of his mind. Instead of shut down due to the prolonged disconnection from its artificial power input, his EVA was going to go into berserker mode.
That presence felt stronger, blocking his baser senses and fully inhabiting his neural pathways. Pain gripped his mind and he could no longer see, blinded by the intrusion. He was slipping away, retreating into a silent darkness as the sounds of loud explosions, shrill alarms and desperate commands faded into a dull nothingness.
His EVA had only gone berserker once before and even then Shinji had been extremely lucky to survive, waking up just a short few weeks from a coma. For months afterwards he had held the title of the Third Miracle Child around NERV as most had believed Shinji was lost and if not for Misato, doctors were in agreement that his deep comatose state was most likely permanent and the plug should be pulled to avoid wasting funds on an unnecessary resource.
Of course, his father hadn't shown the slightest concern over his potential death nor relief for his subsequent recovery. In fact Shinji was almost convinced that he had somehow not been informed, if not for the fact that he received an order just several days after he had awoken that instructed him to head to the synchronization department to have his soul and sync levels examined.
"Interesting" was all Gendo had said, and Shinji had forced himself to take it as a compliment.
As the last of his own thoughts formulated, Shinji wondered if this time death would be merciful and take him. He knew he was unworthy of existence but more significantly unworthy of peace and acceptance that death would bring. It was Shinji's destiny to live, live so that his pathetic life could be used and sacrificed expendably for the rest of mankind. Yet despite this understanding, he couldn't help but yearn for a respite he didn't deserve, couldn't help but wish he were a different boy, a man with a selfish purpose instead of a selfless cause.
He faded;
I should have died back then
As the self-proclaimed most prodigious, Second Child Asuka knew fully what would eventually happen to all EVA pilots. Though her headstrong facade and haughty defiance had served well to fool the doctors who ran periodical mental health tests, Asuka knew of the truth and had found a way to remain resistant to its outward effects – by hiding behind the false pretence of invincibility.
Asuka thought that if she were to believe whole-heartedly that she was invincible, then it would manifest into her reality.
Ironically, it was this mind-set that catalysed her breakdown. The first vestiges of her sanity had left her when she began to delude herself into believing she was invincible to the side-effects of piloting EVA's.
Invincibility soon became her shield and although it made for more successful deployments it also negated this success by taking a toll on her subconscious, ultimately becoming her downfall.
Proof of this was in the frequent delusions she had, first starting off as nightmares. Gradually they became unlike even the most violent and lucid nightmares of normal humans and more like the embodiment of slow, painful torture that extended from her dream psyche into her reality.
Baby, darling, you look so pretty today, mommy wants to take you shopping but she's afraid she'll mess up your beautifully curled hair. Oh honey, you sit so perfectly still for your mommy, just like a porcelain doll. My sweet, sweet child.
Sometimes, Asuka would be eating lunch in the lounge and glancing up from her food would notice a beautiful doll sitting across from her, curled hair, large eyes, button nose... perfect. Its red rose lips would pout cutely at her, then smile so innocently that it would make her want to smile back.
But before she can, the image is shattered as those same lips start to bleed. It starts off as a slow trickle but quickly transforms into gushing; bleeding down its white silk dress. Staining it.
It doesn't stop until all Asuka can see is redredred pooling around the table, so very red, red like arterial blood.
She had never wanted to be her mother. The girl had gone through hatred, pity, embarrassment and most of all shame at the undignified fate that her mother succumbed to. Often she had hope that her rebellious nature would curb the effects of the EVA. When she was at her lowest, she wished desperately that her mother's ghosts would not become hers and that if she were brash enough, strong enough, she would not inherit the weak-natured and vulnerable part of her mother's personality. Most importantly, she would not be the one to destroy herself.
Mommy loves you, baby. You'll always be with mommy... always.
Alongside the push-over Shinji and the emotionally deprived Rei, Asuka often felt that she handled piloting the best. Shinji was first to break from emotional control and Rei was often too devoid enough to be considered human – Asuka however, fared well under the pressure and remaining her boisterous arrogant self. She was praised and favoured and her secret was kept.
Darling don't you see? This is the only way we can be together
At each inspection, doctors diagnosed her healthy and for a brief glorious moment she was inclined to believe it. But just as she'd leave, there would be a glimpse of a smiling doll, with shiny teeth and bright, bright eyes in the corner. It would remind her that with each appointment it would be harder to mask the truth that soon she would follow in her mother's demise.
A trail of blood leads her back to her quarters, a child's laughter ringing in her ears.
Only for you, sweetheart, only for you...
"Pilot EVA-01 down, repeat, Pilot EVA-01 down" the announcement rang out through NERV headquarters, echoing off steel walls. Majority of the staff resumed work uninterrupted and unfazed whilst those involved in the welfare of the Children rushed towards the emergency quarters, focused on keeping their jobs.
Asuka looked up briefly from a magazine she was reading before returning to its contents. "Baka Shinji" she grumbled under her breath, flipping another page.
Undaunted but slightly disconcerted, Asuka continued to immerse herself in the task of reading to forget her earlier anger and disappointment at not being deployed for this particular Angel.
"Serves them right" she asserted to cover-up the slight inkling of concern brewing in the pit of her stomach, "assholes, all of them"
In truth she was mostly hurt that both Shinji and Rei were sent, yet she was ordered to hold back. The reason being that they were a power couple with near-perfect sync with both their EVA's and each other. They had told her she was incompetent for this specific mission, and then word had wounded her pride and filled her with a surge of jealousy for the other two Children.
Fed up with her line of thought, she decided to head to the food hall in hopes of taking her mind off her useless emotions. Hoisting herself off her bed with grace and agility born of piloting she walked briskly out of her room and down the corridor.
Several hours later found Asuka bored and restless in the lounge, twirling a pen in hand. She had decided a few minutes ago to write to her parents in Germany, although they had more advanced technology here in Neo-Tokyo 3, she found that an constructing an old-fashioned letter was something that would occupy her mind.
'Things are going well here, the latest Angel was destroyed by Shinji and he is now in hospital but don't worry, he's always so reckless.'
Asuka read her latest line and wondered whether it was a good idea to inform her parents about their activities as EVA pilots. Although her mother had now insisted on knowing every single detail, Asuka knew that secretly she was still terribly afraid and had disapproved of her...profession... since she had started. Though as she scribbled out most of her letter that consisted of work-related topics, she wondered vaguely how much of a letter it would be if she had nothing left to write.
The first thing that comes back to him is his hearing. There is only the faint sound of beeping in the background, no doubt a heart rate monitor and the soft sounds of his own breathing. Other than that the room is dead silent and whilst Shinji was an introvert and would often appreciate this peaceful solitude, he instead loathed it – for it symbolized that he was alone and would always be for as long as he lived.
His first thought was conflicting; both acceptance that he had lived to fulfil his role as mankind's saviour and hatred, frustration and anger that they would always bring him back because it was his unchangeable destiny.
The second thing that comes back to him is his sight. Slowly, he cracks open an eye, hesitant of the strain the bright lights would have on it. As his blurry vision soon clears, he realizes he's staring at the ceiling, the white-washed uniform ceiling that never changes.
I always end up here, the same ceiling, the same recurring fate.
He lies there for awhile; his breath steady, his mind blank. Then he sighs, slowly turning over to his side. The beeping is irregular for a split second as he shifts but then he is comfortable and settles down, fisting the hospital sheets in his right hand.
The third thing that comes back to him is his emotions. But he's drained, exhausted, and although they start a surge of despair within him he can only succumb to sleep at the moment – for he desires reprieve but he knows that wishful thinking would never get him anything.
He fades;
Why?
Earlier Misato mentioned that Shinji had woken up after three months of being in a coma. Asuka noticed she breathed a little easier after that and chalked it up to the- annoying yet inevitable- worry for a comrade. After all, there were only three Children and- although it would never be admitted- they were all each other had.
After weeks of boredom the atmosphere at Nerv was starting to feel stagnant and Asuka was, naturally, starting to feel reckless. She had considered heading back to Germany for awhile, taking a few weeks off from Neo-Tokyo 3 and its suffocating air. However, she was wary of the fact that an Angel might strike soon and that if she were away, she would not be readily available. Doubtful of Nerv's confidence in her piloting abilities, Asuka was determined to be present and ready to serve the organisation and secure her place as the best Child once more.
She smiled bitterly to herself; somehow it was always like this. Regretfully, Asuka wondered what it would be like if there wasn't the underlying competition between her and the other Children. Could they have been friends if they weren't so strikingly different and fucked up in their own ways?
Sighing, she decided that she would visit Shinji, convincing herself it was only to alleviate her boredom and not due her sudden desire for companionship. When she thought about it, Shinji was quite nice to be around compared to anyone else at Nerv. Although his weak personality was somewhat off-putting, it benefitted Asuka- complimenting her own domineering character. Unlike with Rei, Asuka got along fairly well with Shinji most of the time and had unconsciously taken a liking to him.
As she reached the hospital wing, she started to read off the numbers on the doors. Shinji was in room fifteen and before long she was standing outside the door, knocking confidently before slipping in.
His back was to her as she entered, he shoulders rising and falling steadily with each breath. Asuka's first thought was that he was sleeping and that she should either wake him in her usual brash manner or leave and return later. However, Shinji saved her from making a decision as he shifted and turned towards her, his brown eyes dull and blank.
She smirked, "Baka, stop lazing around and get out of bed already"
Expecting the usual flustered response, Asuka was slightly thrown off when Shinji ignored her and turned his back towards her once more.
She huffed, feeling affronted, "Hey! Did you hear me? Stop crying like a baby and-"
"Go away" Shinji interrupted, his voice barely above a whisper.
"-what?" Asuka asked confusedly, never before had Shinji stood up to her much less boldly order her to leave.
She shifted on her feet, hesitantly reaching for his shoulder. "Come on," she implored quietly, "you need some fresh air"
He didn't move, and she in-turn didn't stir. For a few silent minutes, they both contemplated the fact that Asuka's move had just shifted the very nature of their relationship. Each of the three Children had always had a silent mutual understanding to respect the privacy of each other's personal health – be it mental or physical – maintaining a distant indifference towards any problems. Yet Asuka had breached this unspoken agreement and waited in nerve-wracking silence for Shinji's reaction.
Finally Shinji sighs, "Alright" he answers resignedly.
He raises himself slowly from the bed and Asuka looks at him with faked impatience as he stands and walks towards her. Without a word she turns around and exits the room, Shinji following behind.
They soon reach the rooftops, somewhere they had both frequented before on different occasions alone, but never together. The evening breeze was soft, teasing wisps of Asuka's fiery red hair. She breathed in deeply, inhaling the fresh air – a welcome relief from the dingy underground headquarters. Beside her, Shinji stood silently, his face uncharacteristically impassive.
Together they watched the slowly setting sun, as the light hues of blue and lilac blended with the bright oranges and red and finally faded into dark blue.
Asuka darling, baby, honey, sweetheart...
"So..." Asuka stammered nervously, "Nerv's been boring these past few months"
Shinji looks at her, "...okay"
Restlessly, Asuka fidgets with her hands, wringing them together. If Shinji noticed that she was on edge he didn't comment. Asuka was scared she would lose her cool in front of him, and that she would be exposed. Scared that after they signed her off as an insanity case she would be disposed of.
Scared because she had known all along that this was what happened to EVA pilots and perhaps, she mused darkly glancing to her right, Shinji had known all along too.
They were both living pathetically in strange acceptance and paradoxically denial.
Shinji looks up at the sky, "What's the one thing you fear the most?"
Asuka doesn't say anything. The doll in the corner smiles.
"Is something wrong?" Shinji asks, sounding more like himself that Asuka finds it hard to suppress a smile.
For a split second Asuka considers telling Shinji the truth of her insanity. There was a large part of her that yearned to confide in someone, longed for someone to listen to her and understand.
"What makes you think that?" she laughs heartily, "I think you hit your head too hard back there"
Shinji frowns, "If you say so"
Her laughter subsides until it's a parody of what it once was. Shinji remains quiet, his brown hair blowing softly in the light evening breeze. His hospital gown flutters gently as silence descends upon the pair.
Asuka sits down, lying back on the cold concrete of the roof. She props her head up gently with her arm, staring at the unmoving form of her comrade.
"Shinji" she says quietly.
He tilts his head at her, eyes questioning.
Asuka looks away, "Do you think we'll survive?"
Shinji says nothing, choosing instead to lay beside her.
Her eyes flicker to him uncertainly, "...will we get to live a normal life once all the Angel's have been defeated?"
Shinji's eyes widen, and if Asuka had looked more closely she would notice that they were laced with fear, "defeated" he echoes
She looks at him now, "you know," she says impatiently with slight annoyance, "when we eliminate them all"
Shinji looks defeated, he closes his eyes then slowly reopens them, "This is my whole existence" he turns to face her, pleadingly, "without piloting I have nothing"
She scoffs, "I don't know whether to be disgusted or just embarrassed by your spineless attitude"
"You don't understand I-"
"No" she interrupts, forcefully, "you don't understand" she takes a deep breath, "I'm sick of your self-degrading attitude, you're better than that Shinji and I think you know it"
He looks at her, speechless.
Asuka looks him in the eye, "when the Angels are gone, we'll all get to live a normal life, you, Rei and I" she says resolutely, determinedly.
A small smile graces his lips, "you really think so, huh?" he says softly, "but you know the Angels will never be eliminated"
It's the truth, and they both know it.
Instead Asuka lies, lies because it's the only thing she can do to keep her sanity in check "Of course they will baka!" she protests angrily, "and when they do we will get to live like real kids again."
There is no conviction in her voice, though she tries so hard to believe it- but then she sees the doll and hears her mother's voice and knows, knows that her words are empty and Shinji sees the crazed look in her eye and she knows he knows it too.
Before either of them could do anything, a blast lights up the sky and an explosion blooms before their eyes. It is a pretty blend of fiery reds and oranges and soon flames rise before them, licking the side of buildings with its beautiful stark red tongue.
"Pilot EVA-00, Pilot EVA-01, Pilot EVA-02, please report immediately. Repeat. Pilot EVA-00, Pilo-"
Shinji is on his feet instantly, his hand grabbing Asuka's to help her up, "Wait!" Asuka shouts, over the sounds of explosions, frantic calls and announcements.
"We have to hurry-", Shinji begins but is interrupted by Asuka's lips on his.
It is a strange sensation; Shinji thinks when he realises that she is kissing him. It's not pleasant but neither is he averse to it. Somehow it feels awkward and painful and entirely unexpected, but then he smiles into her lips, because, he thinks wryly, perhaps this is what it's like to feel human.
For once Shinji lets go of the weakling of a boy he is and kisses her back with equal fervour, he pretends that he's a man with a selfish purpose and he pours everything into it because he knows that although half of his passion stems from sexual tension the rest is a product of his longing and desire for life and he knows this is as close as he'll ever get for he is an EVA pilot and it is their destiny to lend their souls expendably for the good of mankind, slowly losing their insanity with each deployment. But he thinks maybe its okay, for he is not alone and he knows despite what doctors say that Asuka is losing her mind too.
When they break apart, Asuka turns without a word and rushes off.
Shinji smiles bitterly before following her lead.
He switches to autopilot, rushing through headquarters and into his plug suit, climbing into his EVA and strapping in, clearing the control team for launch, he loses himself to the machine, letting his mind slip away without knowing if this will be the last time.
If finally, fate will have mercy on him and relieve him of this mind-fuck.
He fades.
He thinks that his fate and hers is like a tripping cassette player –one that will keep playing the same song over and over until it finally, exhaustedly breaks.
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