He feels like an idiot. He should have known. He should have known she wouldn't wait for him. That she'd get swept up in New York and forget about everything that was ever Lima. Everything that was ever him. He just didn't expect it to happen so quickly. He at least thought he'd have a fighting chance. Thought maybe she'd fight for him to. But apparently she had Brock or Billy or whoever. And he had no one. So, after a complete failure of an attempt at one last shot with her, the thought finally occurred to him. Maybe they weren't meant to be. She was always been the one thing he was so sure of. And now he just didn't know. He didn't know where he belonged, where they belonged, and even if they belonged. But she belonged in New York. He just didn't know if he fit. If she even wanted him to fit with her, in New York, anymore. With all these thoughts and emotions swirling through him he finds himself back in Lima. The place he'd always swore to himself he'd find a way out of after the baby fiasco in sophomore year when he thought he never would. Life was a right bitch.
Finn gets home and his mom gives him the biggest hug and he kind of just nuzzles his face into her neck and holds her really tightly because sometimes he just needs comfort from his mom. She seems to understand and squeezes him just a little tighter before she releases him and kisses his cheek, giving him sympathetic eyes at his dishevelled and disheartened expression. She knew he went to New York and why. And he doesn't even need to tell her what happened before she softly tells him she's making his favourite mac and cheese and that his bed's made if he wants a quick nap before dinner. He loves his mom. He really does. She's the only person who's always been there, no matter what.
He's been back in Lima for three days when he decides to stop by McKinley to visit Mr. Schue and the glee club. He's kind of embarrassed, going back, knowing everyone's going to judge him, even if they don't know the whole story. But nobody does. He gets hugs from all his old friends and meets the new members and he remembers how happy he was in glee. After everyone is dismissed, Mr. Schue asks him if Finn could maybe help out with the club for a while. He's doing some other thing and needs some help and new inspiration. Finn decides that he could help out when he's not working for Burt, and that's how he finds himself on a Wednesday afternoon helping the glee club arrange a performance to Coldplay's the scientist. They all insist he have a part in it too, and he reluctantly agrees. He hasn't really sung since graduation. It's that same day that Finn sees Santana at the gas station. He's kind of shocked to see her back in Lima but he waves at her and walks over to talk to her.
"Hey! What're you doing back here?"
When he gets a little closer he sees she looks a little distraught, actually. There are bags under her eyes and they're rimmed red.
"Um, I'm – I came back to see Brittany," she says, her eyes falling before looking back into his, and she pauses before quickly adding, "We're going through a bit of a rough patch right now. I guess she doesn't really want to do the long distance thing. Apparently it's not worth it for her."
Santana's eyes water up before she lets out this laugh/gasp, and with a self-deprecating smile quietly whispers, "Or maybe I'm just not worth it for her."
Finn can see her shoulders shaking and that she's falling apart and it breaks his heart. He knows the feeling and he knows Santana and it all just sucks. So he quickly wraps her in a massive hug while she clings to him, a sobbing mess, just outside the gas station, hoping that it's enough. It's not long before Santana pulls herself together, stepping away from him, wiping her hand under her nose and whispering a quiet sorry, while he just tells her there's nothing to apologize about.
"That's what friends are for, right?"
She lets out a wet chuckle before quickly sobering up again.
"But what are you doing here, Finn? What about the army."
She's looking at him imploringly, and he sort of just stammers out, "Um, it just – it didn't really turn out."
She studies him for a moment before seeing the anguish and pain on his face and replying with a simple, "Okay."
No, 'why are you back in Lima', or any 'ah, so you failed'.
"Well, I better get to McKinley."
Santana just stares at him.
"I'm, uh, sorta helping out Mr. Schue for a bit. You know, just with ideas and motivation and stuff."
Santana smiles softly at him and says, "You always were a leader, Finn. Even if I, you know, didn't necessarily follow."
Finn just chuckles and gives her a quick goodbye, telling her he'll see her around. She responds with a typical, "Later, tubs."
When Finn gets back to McKinley, ready to get the club to run through the Coldplay number in the auditorium, what he doesn't expect to see is Rachel Berry. Finn just sort of freezes and stares at her when he sees her backstage before stuttering, "What - what are you doing here?"
She looks upset and it makes Finn so angry that it still tears him up to see her sad. She looks down before steeling herself and looks up at him.
"Why didn't you contact me at all? Two months. Two months! I went two months without so much as a word from you."
"Rachel, I was in training, I couldn't exactly send a quick text your way whenever I felt like it. It doesn't work that way."
"You could have done something! Look, Finn you're my first love, but I can't do this anymore. This back and forth with you Finn, it hurts."
She looks so defeated and that's how Finn feels. It wasn't supposed to be like this. They were supposed to end up together. The universe was supposed to bring them back to each other, not make everything ten times harder. He just swallows thickly. He doesn't know what to say; where to go from here.
"I'm – I'm not with Brody. I kissed him, and I thought maybe I wanted him, but I just wanted to get over the hurt. I think I just need to be on my own for a while. And I never meant to hurt you like I did, and I'm sorry. I think I need to find myself. Who I really am. Not this made-over Rachel, not the Rachel stuck in her high school ways, but just me. And I – I still think we're meant to be. Some day. At least, I really hope so. I just needed to come talk to you and let you know myself."
He doesn't really know what to make of this.
"Are we broken up," he manages to squeak out.
She looks really sad, and tears are forming in her eyes, and Finn kinda feels like his throat is closing up and doesn't the pain ever just go away?
"Yeah, I think so. At least until we've both grown a bit and can find our way back to each other."
He just nods his head, cause he doesn't know how to respond. She smiles weakly at him, gives a little nod of her head and turns around to walk away.
Finn finally gets his bearings a bit, and before she's completely gone, says, "You know I'll always love you, right? I never stopped."
He just has to let her know. He has to.
She turns and looks at him, her eyes wet, and whispers, "Me too," and then she steps out of the auditorium.
The numbness that had engulfed him since he began occupying his time helping the glee club disappears and the heartbreak washes over him again. They love each other and can't be together. Why do they need to grow on their own? He wants to grow with her. He barely makes it through The Scientist number without losing it completely before he drives himself over to the nearest bar.
It's after one in the morning when Santana gets a call from a completely inebriated Finn Hudson. She picks up her phone, groggy from sleep, and as soon as she puts the phone to her ear, she immediately hears the drunken prattle of Finn.
"…and I'm really sad, and it's fucked – oh hey, I just saw a man wearing a cowboy hat. I bet he likes ice cream. I like ice cream. Rachel like frozen yoghurt. She – "
"Finn, what's going on? Where are you?"
Santana's already out of bed throwing on some pants and a hoodie, grabbing her car keys.
"I'm at… Shit, where am I? That place down the street from BreadstiX. You like breadsticks, don'tcha?"
"Okay, Finn, just stay where you are. I'm gonna come give you a ride."
"Yup-ooo," he slurs.
Santana gets to the bar ten minutes later, Finn sitting on the steps outside the bar with his eyebrows knit together, trying to count something on his fingers. He can't seem to get past six. He looks up and sees her walking towards him and stumbles to his feet, wobbling over and throwing his arms in the air yelling, "Yay, Santana's heeeere!" before nearly falling over with his enthusiasm.
Santana quickly steadiest him, before letting out a little, "Damn, frankenteen, how plastered are you?"
"Super duper," he simply replys, giving a cheeky grin with hazy eyes.
"And what made you do that?" Santana asks, trying to direct him to her car when he decides to sit his ass right on the middle of the sidewalk. His bubbly exterior when she first came to get him dissolves as a heartbreaking look takes over his face.
"San, she kissed someone else. Then came back here to tell me it didn't mean anything and that she needs to find herself. And it hurts. It really fucking hurts."
She hates how her chest constricts. She's not supposed to be so sympathetic and emotional. But she understands his pain. She gets it.
"I know," is all she can respond by saying, as she gently sits down next to him. She doesn't think anything she can say will really help. He tiredly leans his head on her shoulder, letting out a half sob, half hiccup.
"She left a hole in me. A big, big, Rachel-shaped hole. I don't want a hole. I want her."
Santana just holds him while he drunkenly cries and pretends that she doesn't cry a bit, too. After a while, he just sort of sits up and looks at her in the eyes and says, "You have hair like Pocahontas."
Santana guffaws loudly and he just gives her this look, like he doesn't understand what made her laugh, before saying, "You're my friend. Am I your friend?"
He looks so innocent and just like a lost puppy, seeking some sort of comfort, and yeah, she is his friend.
"Of course, jolly green."
He smiles at that.
"We'll get through this because we're both kick-ass, though right?"
She doesn't know how, but Finn can still read emotions when he's drunk, and it's kind of freaky how spot on he got her on that one, but she just looks at him and says, "I expect to be in your's and Rachel's wedding party, got that?"
He snorts and responds by crossing his eyes and making her laugh again. His hangover was gonna be from hell tomorrow.
Yeah, they'll be okay.