Iron Pen: itlnbrt
Challenge Date: August 10, 2012
Time Given: 60 minutes
1 Special Ingredient
Entries Received: 9
Guest Judges' Scores
itsyblue1214
Secret Ingredient: 5
Originality: 5
Overall Presentation: 5
Comments: Excellent use of secret ingredient. Very different concept. Absolutely loved this one.
My Reading Lounge
Secret Ingredient: 2
Originality: 1
Overall Presentation: 1
Comments: there's a lot of swearing without any particular reason. The plot seems unreal: how many teachers can afford to live in a penthouse in the Trump Towers? And how long did this human Edward walk carrying Bella bridal style? He's not a superstrong vampire, right? The thoughts about teachers' wages could have been developed more, playing with the secret element.
Twi/VD Fic Recs
Secret Ingredient: 4
Originality: 5
Overall Presentation: 5
Comments: I really liked the way the secret ingredient was used in this story. The dialogue was done well; it flowed like normal conversation would. Well done.
Simaril
Secret Ingredient: 5
Originality: 5
Overall Presentation: 3
Comments: Very original use of secret ingredient.
Fairusa
Secret Ingredient: 3
Originality: 3
Overall Presentation: 3
Comments: Pretty strong language for a PG rated entry. Make sure to keep your tenses straight while writing; it save both you and your beta a lot of editing and confusion. I like your take on philanthropist Edward.
Batgirl8968
Secret Ingredient: 4
Originality: 4
Overall Presentation: 3
Comments: Great use of the secret ingredient. Totally unexpected.
Squeaky Zorro
Secret Ingredient: 2
Originality: 4
Overall Presentation: 2
Comments: The prompt was overused, and it didn't blend with the story. Interesting twist at the end, so I gave high marks for originality. Choppy presentation, though; seemed like too much plot was crammed into a very short story, which left not enough time for the kind of writing that makes the reader care about the story and characters.
Twimarti
Secret Ingredient: 5
Originality: 5
Overall Presentation: 5
Comments: Excellent use of the prompt, and way to bring awareness to the plight of teachers.
remylebeauishot
Secret Ingredient: 5
Originality: 5
Overall Presentation: 4
Comments: I really enjoyed this one. It was an interesting way to use the Secret Ingredient.
My Entry: Not beta'd
Finally it was my lunch break and I was so relieved because my boss was a dick. He's always riding my ass, and asking me to do extra work all the time. I'm not the only employee that works for him directly, but he has this thing about picking on me.
I would usually speak my mind but I really need this job. My roommate just moved out and left me with the total rent of twenty-five hundred bucks.
So I was sitting at the deli at the corner trying to catch a breath. The line was out the damn door and I knew it wasn't going to leave me any time to actually eat, but at that point I don't give a fuck. I was going to eat.
Just as I took the first bite of my sandwich my phone buzzes, and I looked at the screen to see it was a message from my stupid ass fucking boss. God I hate him!
The message said…
Emmett McCarty: Get your back to the office now, we have a meeting in ten minutes and you better not be late.
My reply was…
Bella Swan: Okay.
Because really… what else could I have said without sticking my foot into my mouth. I shoved one more big ass bite into my mouth, threw the rest away, and ran out the door.
As soon as I got to the sidewalk I started speed walking as fast as I could in the five inch heels I had on. I went to turn the corner when I tripped. And Fuck!
I was flat on my hands and knees. My thigh-highs ripped, knees and hands bleeding, and my heel broke. I wanted to cry, because that shit stung. I did the only thing I could and sat on my ass right in the middle of 7th and 47th. I looked around to see what I tripped on and it was a homeless person sitting against the building with his legs extended in front of him. I must have tripped over his damn legs.
Of course my luck I'd trip on someone who was always there. I should have known better.
With tears in my eyes because of the sting on my palms and knees I sat and watched this man. He was passed out – sleeping. Completely oblivious to the fact that I tripped on his legs.
Upon further inspection of him, I noticed he didn't look that dirty. He must not have been a regular or perhaps he was new. He had nice clothes on. A pair of clean khakis, a navy button down shirt, and some nice loafers. I was sure he wouldn't have those for shoes much longer.
He had a messenger bag with a handwritten sign on a piece of cardboard with the words… "Teachers cannot live by apples alone." Hmmm.
Well that was interesting. Tons of ideas entered my head. Was he a teacher? I thought so. Did he lose his job? Probably. But why? Well, I'd have to ask.
Fuck it! I was late for the meeting anyway. I'd probably be sitting here with my teacher friend tomorrow.
So I nudged him in the shoulder as I scooted closer to him. His head lolled to the side, facing me. Then his eyes opened. And, WOW! Those eyes were the most beautiful color of green. Like the forest where I could get lost in all those trees.
His eyes widened suddenly and he asked, "Did you push me?" I narrowed my eyes at him. "No! I nudged you."
He laughed and the his whole face just lit up. God he was the most beautiful homeless man in the world! There was no way he wasn't.
"Nudged, huh? And there's a difference?" He was laughing at me, but I could tell it was light hearted.
"Well, yes it is because nudging is to push lightly and push is a lot harder, and I didn't push you that hard." I said more seriously than I meant it and I didn't know if there really was a difference. But I didn't care either.
"Well then I guess you're right. My apologies Miss…" He sat up straighter and waited for me to answer him. "Swan. Miss Swan, but you can call me Bella."
"I'm Edward Cullen. Nice to meet you." He stuck out his hand to shake and I happily place my hand right in his. "Nice to meet you, too."
"So what brings you to this corner?"
I laughed because I guess that was a great question and I would actually like the same answer from him so I told him, "Well I was on my way back to work for a meeting about twenty minutes ago when I tripped on your legs, fell, and couldn't get up."
Then he looked concerned. His whole face morphed and his forehead wrinkled. "Let me see. Are you okay?"
I showed him my palms and pointed out my knees and shoes. He reached for my hand and immediately tried to stand and pull me up with him.
"Come with me. We have to get you cleaned up." He grabbed his bag then picked my up bridal style and began walking.
"Um… oh… uh… where exactly are we going?" Shit! Where the hell was he taking me. Not that I minded too much, because man he was fine. But he's homeless. What was he going to take me to his tent in the alley and ask his tent neighbors to treat my wounds?
"Edward, I can just go home and do this myself. Really. I can walk too. Please don't worry yourself over this."
He just ignored me. He started walking down 47th to 5th then kept walking until we hit the Trump Towers. What the fuck!
"What are we doing here?" I asked nervously.
"Shh, just don't worry yourself."
He walked right in and straight to the elevator. Fuck we were going to go to jail. We didn't belong here.
Once on the elevator he put me down while he reached into his messenger bag and grabbed a card and swiped it on the wall. Then the elevator began to rise, and the numbers on the little screen just kept going up and up.
Oh damn! I didn't know what to think. This was beyond bizarre. I mean this man was sleeping on the street with a sign, and now he's with me going up to the -I looked at the screen and it flashed PH- Penthouse floor.
No this can't be right.
As soon as the elevator stopped he picked me up again, and I noticed he had keys in his hand.
He walked us down a long hallway that was gorgeously decorated.
We got to a door marked PH101 and went in. And WOW! It was amazing. Huge!
"Who's house is this?" I asked.
He smirked and answered, "Mine." He placed me on his beautiful black sofa. It was a long, sleek sectional that wrapped the room. His carpet was plush and white with a gorgeous fireplace and a wall of mirrors that I thought would have been creepy but it actually fits well in here. The other wall is all windows – floor to ceiling, and a huge big screen TV on the other wall.
It was an open floor plan and the kitchen was behind a very long bar with many stools. All of them were black with black leather that matched the granite on the counter of the bar. The kitchen itself was pristine, and all chrome -even the cabinets.
Edward disappeared while I was scoping out the place. When he returned he had a first-aid kit with him and placed it on his glass coffee table.
"Give me your hands first and I'll clean those. Then we'll do your knees. I'll give you some clothes to get relaxed into."
"Okay, thanks. But Edward I have to know. What were you doing on that corner. I thought you were homeless."
He laughed. "No, I'm not homeless. Far from it, but I was out there all morning trying to spark the attention of the people regarding teachers and their wages. I'm a teacher and we don't get paid early as much as it costs for us to supply all of the necessities to actually teach those kids. There are too many kids to a classroom and it's ridiculous."
I looked at him like he was the last drop of water in a desert. He was beautiful and caring.
His swiped his hand through his beautifully crazy copper hair and continued. "So I stand outside every chance I get in the summer time to bring awareness. I don't mind paying it because I can, but there are many that can't."
"Wow, just wow! Edward, I have to apologize because I totally mistook you for a homeless person and was afraid you were taking me to your tent in a dark alley."
He started laughing so hard he couldn't breath. Tears were streaming down his face and it was bright red. He was still beautiful.
"But why did you take me here? I mean you don't know me, I could be a stalker or something."
"I just had a feeling about you. Your eyes. They look so honest and sweet. And I must say you're quite beautiful." I blush ten shade of red. I was sure of it.
He glided his hand down my cheek as he stared into my eyes and I just about died from lack of breath. I couldn't breathe. The sparks between us were so palpable.
"Well I think you're quite beautiful yourself, Mr." I smiled.
"I think I need to go back to work and pick up my things. I'm sure I will be fired. I missed a meeting because of tripping over you. My boss is a real dick."
"No worries. I'll take you. Let's just get you cleaned up."
"All I can say Edward is it was the best trip of my life."