AN: Hey guys. This is just a One-Shot that I had sitting on my computer. I have about a million of these things sitting in various folders…and I'll be posting them as I see fit. This one…I'm not exactly sure where it came from but I wrote it while watching S9…and I was in pain because of all the fighting happening between the boys and I just really wanted it to end. This is what I wanted to happen…and it's also my way of sending you guys my pain. Enjoy! And, as always leave a review.
TrueWinchester168
Going Back
By: TrueWinchester168
Sam
There are tears in his eyes when you turn back but you don't care. It doesn't matter, you tell yourself. They're probably not real tears anyways. They're real tears. You don't see them pouring down his cheeks as you're in your room that night. You can't hear him sobbing, audible broken sobs that rip at Castiel's heart because he can't mend this. No…you're angry and you're hurt and you just don't give a shit anymore. You can't bring yourself to care about his feelings when he didn't care about yours. He was being selfish. He didn't bring you back for you. You're so mad you could leave right now and never look back. You don't, of course, but the thought is there. Even when you're this mad…you don't leave. Instead, you hide in your room and you scream into pillows because you can't scream at him. You just can't.
For twelve days you guys don't talk. You can't even bring yourself to look him in the eyes without getting mad all over again. Every day that passes your anger grows and you don't notice the changes in your big brother. You don't notice the tear stains on his cheeks. You don't notice his voice hoarse from screaming at night. All you feel…all you see is the anger bubbling up inside of you until you think you're going to explode. That's when it happens. Castiel, sick of the fighting, takes his stand. Uses stolen grace to send you back…to teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
Dean
You'll never forget how much it hurt to watch your little brother say that. To look you in the eyes and tell you that he wouldn't have saved you. It shattered whatever was left of your heart, breaking your soul into pieces and all you want to do is cry. So you do. In your bedroom at night, music up so loud it hurts your ears, you let the sobs tear through your chest. The only one that's there, the only one that cares is Castiel and he sits at your side through the nights. And during the day, when you and Sam are in the same room and he can't even look you in the eyes, you let your face set in an angry line. He can't see the pain in your eyes…or maybe he just doesn't care enough to look. Maybe it doesn't matter anymore.
Twelve days pass. Twelve days of Sam's anger. Twelve nights of screaming your pain into pillows. Every day it seems as though the pain is going to kill you and yet you bear it. You can't do anything else. Oh, sometimes you think about leaving. Running away because you're sure as hell not wanted here. But you don't. You stick through even though you think you're dying. And one night, when everything gets to be too much and you're drunk and in so much pain your heart is bursting, you find yourself begging Cas to just take it away….kill you or tear your fucking heart out. You can't do this anymore. It hurts too much. He makes his move then, with a solemn smile and a soft touch to your face….and everything changes.
Castiel
They've been fighting for twelve days. Twelve days and you don't know how much more you can take. Don't know what's worse. Is it Sam's anger or the pain in Dean's eyes? Is it the slamming doors or the silent tears? You don't know how to help and you can't see an end. Can't help them even though you want to more than anything you've ever wanted. You want the fighting to end. Want to see them smile and joke and laugh. And so, when Dean begs you to make it stop, you do your best. Sends them back.
Sam
At first you think you've gone crazy. You're standing in a park, staring at a younger version of yourself. He's 22 years old and you remember yourself at that age. You can remember the way you felt back at that age but everything is so different now and besides why are you even here? What's the point in talking to yourself? And that's when he speaks for the first time, his voice young and annoyed and so disappointed you wonder where you went wrong.
"You're an idiot. Do you even remember everything Dean's sacrificed for you? Everything he's given up for you…and the one time he fucks up and does something for himself you freak out. Yeah, okay he brought you back against your will. You're his whole fucking life dude! You're everything to him and you're being a dick!"
You struggle to find words to express how you're feeling but it all seems so petty now…so stupid. "I killed Kevin. Because of him Kevin is dead. I was finally ready to fucking die and he tricked me into coming back here." Is all you can think of to say.
Your younger self scoffs. "You're being stupid. You didn't kill Kevin. Gadreel did. He fooled Dean every bit as much as he fooled you. More if you want the truth. Do you know how he probably fucking felt about that? Or do you just not give a fuck about him anymore? Because you're being a real douchebag right now. Dean has given up everything for you and the ONE thing he needs for himself is you. Alive. He can no more live without you than you can without him and yet you're acting like you wouldn't do the same shit he did. You're being a dick. Grow up."
"I…"
"I don't want excuses. Somewhere along the way you've forgotten what's important. He's all you have left. You're all he has left. What happens if he dies tomorrow? You'd be alone. Completely fucking alone. And you'd find a way to bring him back. Just like you always have. Quit being a dick and grow the fuck up Sam."
The vision fades just as his words are finished and you find yourself back in bed. You're sweating and shaking and all you want is to apologize. To apologize for all the shit you've put your brother through lately and you're out of bed before you really know it. Running for your brother's room before you know what's happened. He's lying on the bed when you walk in, fully dressed and staring at the ceiling. He doesn't look at you when you walk in, doesn't even blink and you want to scream. Instead, you stare at him. Your big brother. Everything you've done to him crashes into you then, sending you sprawling to your knees as wave after wave of agony crashes into you. For the first time, Dean looks at you and your voice comes out in a whisper you're not even sure he can hear.
"I'm sorry Dean…I'm fucking sorry…"
Dean
You're sitting in the passenger seat of the Impala, staring out at rain drenched roads. For a moment, you think this is a dream. You'll look over at the driver's seat at Sammy will be driving and you guys will be okay. But when you finally get the nerve to look over there you see…yourself. A younger version. This you still has the light in his eyes…so much hope in the young face that it brings tears to your eyes. You'll never have that again. You'll never be this person again and all at once that realization makes you want to cry. And then he speaks, his voice low and filled with disappointment and your world flips upside down.
"What the fuck happened to you? This…this isn't you. You haven't even fucking tried to explain yourself to Sam. You're hiding from him, Dean. Hiding everything behind that wall of anger and you're doing no one any favors. Especially not Castiel who, I might add, sees you break every fucking night. Yeah, I get it, you have your stupid no-chick-flicks policy and that's been the rule since…forever. But you used to know when one was needed. You used to know when you needed to fucking talk about things even when Sam didn't."
You can't speak. He's telling the truth. Every word of it is the truth. You're hiding. Hiding your feelings from Sam because you don't think he needs to see it and you're wrong. Sam should see it. He should see the fear and the pain and the anger you're bottling up because he needs to know that you care about what you did. When you speak, your voice is so different it makes you scream. The hopelessness in your voice…the pure agony there is enough to bring tears to your eyes.
"Sam doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't give a shit anymore…"
Younger Dean scoffs. "Knock that shit off. He does care. He probably cares about you more than you care about yourself. You pissed him off…majorly. And he's hurt. But you're still his big brother and he needs you every bit as much as you need him. Maybe more. Come on dude…you can't honestly believe what he said. If you were to die tomorrow he'd find a way to bring you back. That's kinda your thing. One of you dies the other brings him back."
"I…I didn't…"
"I know. You were hurt. He could have actually meant that. Whatever. It wasn't true. One more thing…before you wake yourself up…don't take the fucking Mark of Cain. When Crowley suggests it, you should probably punch him in the face. You'll find a better way to get rid of Abaddon than to take that cursed thing. Besides, Castiel would kill you."
"O…okay."
The dream ends then and you wake up, feeling like a weight has been lifted from your chest. And when the door bangs open you know who it'll be and you force yourself not to look at him. When his knees give way, crashing under him as he begins to sob, you look over at him. He's apologizing over and over and over again and the agony on his face brings tears to your own. Without even realizing you're doing it, you've crossed the room and you're hugging him. Your arms are tight around him and he puts his own around you and you're both crying, screaming sobs and apologizing until your throats are raw.
Castiel
Things are different now. More like the old days…back before the trials. There's light in Dean's eyes now. A light that wasn't there before. He and Sam…they're laughing and pranking and they're brothers again and it's so amazing you want to cry. Instead, you settle for smirking at them proudly when they thank you. You don't say anything but the hug you're pulled into means the world to you. It's all the thanks you need to see them, your family, back the way they should be. And even though your grace is gone and you're human again…you know you'll be okay because you have your family. You have the boys. And even though they'll never be fully safe…you'll stick by them because that's what family does. They stick together even through the bad stuff. Dean told you that once and it's true. Looking at them now…you know it's the truth.