I used to think that going to Hell was the worst possible thing that could happen; well, I've been to Hell. It was actually quite lovely, beautiful architecture and fantastic details really. Anyway, I used to think that going to Hell was the worst, but I would go back right now if it meant that Rose could hold my hand again.
I am constantly haunted by that day at Torchwood, that look of pure terror in her eyes as she lost her grip on that lever. I felt her pleading for me to come up with a way to save her as she screamed my name. But I froze. I failed her and for that, I deserve to rot in the boiling pits of Hell for the rest of eternity.
To this day I really don't understand how she managed to get so far under my skin as to be stuck with me forever. After the Time War, I swore to never let anyone get that close because I knew what it felt like to lose someone. I knew pain, loss, guilt, loneliness, and anger, but it wasn't until that seemingly insignificant human girl crossed my path that I knew of joy, contentment, and love once more.
Domesticity used to disgust me. I never understood how someone could settle down and fall into a routine and be happy. But when I had Rose, I could imagine a domestic life and it seemed fantastic. I even tried to fix the TARDIS cloaking mechanism so that I could give Rose that quaint little white picket fence house she always dreamed of. I was so close, maybe another day's work left, but I lost her. There is no home on the seaside in my future. There are no weddings or children. In Rose's future, maybe, but I know she won't settle down. I know that she'll work on coming back to me until she breathes her dying breath and I'll do the same.
Everyone knows that I changed Rose Tyler's life, but no one knows just how much Rose Tyler changed mine. I'd rather be in Hell than live another day of this miserable existence without the love of my life. I'd rather be in Hell than be without my Rose.