I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
The floor was cold and unyielding beneath his burning torso as he opened sticky eyes, lashes webbed together with the gunk of a thousand unshed tears. The pain throbbed and rippled its way through his body, hurt bleeding from every pore. He welcomed the blackness, liked how it wrapped him in the comforting ignorance of his injuries. He could feel the sting of every cut, the aftermath of every blow but as long as he didn't have to see the extent of the damage he could deny reality.
A chink of light cast a yellow pathway across the carpet as the door opened, disturbing the sacred shadows. Silhouettes shrouded the doorway and he stiffened,fear rendering him captive as the muscles in his stomach tightened;overwrought with nerves.
" Shawn, you in here?"
Familiar voices, hushed and concerned floated down to accompany him amongst the darkness. The nausea only intensified as Kevin reached for the light switch, plunged the room into brightness. The light brought with it an outbreak of goose pimples prompted by fear and shame, he shivered as they dotted his naked form He wasn't sure how long he'd lain there before they found him marred and broken, didn't think it would matter as their blurred faces towered above.
" Holy shit" the growl splintered the air, the anger fractured within the depths of worry.
Hunter's features, swam before him, Kevin overlooking in what seemed to be the distance. He raised a heavy limb, fingers reaching desperately for the dignity that had been snatched from him. Hunter clutched for the outstretched hand, clamped the fingers between his own and held them tight hoping to provide some semblance of solace.
" 911? Ambulance please" Kevin's voice rained down on Shawn, echoing from across the room where he was stood, shifting agitatedly from foot to foot, tensely barking commands into his cell phone.
Shawn gurgled, gasped and wheezed trying to speak, frustratedly found that he emoted nothing more than a strangled whimper.
" Shhh," Hunter pacified him, cupped a hand around the elder man's face in an attempt to cleanse the features,more importantly in an effort to soothe him.
He spluttered, choked on the debris of his own blood, the garnet pulsating from the open wound, painting his golden locks a rich red as it wept a trail down his bruised and battered skin. Still he grasped for Hunter's wrist, dug fingernails into tender flesh in a desperate plea to keep the palm of comfort warm against his face. Hunter ran tentative fingers through sodden strands, grimaced as they returned slick and tacky with blood.
He could feel Hunter trying to dress him one handed, reluctant to remove the hand Shawn had claimed as his security blanket.
He allowed the hurt to escape on a low hiss as denim jeans scratched at his thighs, ignited the burning pain of the bruises.
" Find out where the fuck that ambulance is!"
The hostile cry echoed around him but with Hunter's hand still warm against his face, comfort overpowered any fear.
He was safe as long as he had Kevin and Hunter.
And with that sense of peace the world finally went black.
He's plying him with drink. Beers and whiskeys, shots, he's losing count. Just accepting them with a drunken smile, knowing he can't go through with the rest if he doesn't have the Dutch courage to survive it. He doesn't know his name, doesn't want to know his name. It's better if each notch remains nameless, the pills the holy shrine he's seeking. The light at the end of the pitch black tunnel, the only reason he allows himself to be led from the bar and upstairs to the hotel room.
Clothes litter the floor as they work their way towards the bed. His hands are trailing through his hair, lips smacking against his own as the tongue parts them, plundering his mouth. He falls and the springs rasp in progress as the mattress rises to meet him. It's lumpy, sordid, but the pills. The pills make him reciprocate.
And then the hands move from the back of his head to his throat, and the fingers are clamping around his throat, squeezing and throttling, trying to extinguish any bit of life residing in him. He splutters and he claws but the man towering above is stronger, larger, heavier.
And the bottle he keeps beside his bed for courage becomes his curse as the vodka label careens into view, the glass crashing against his temple with a dull thud, a second blow sends stars spiralling and coloured shapes obscure his view, turning his tormentor shades of purple and green. He can feel the skin break, the blood thick and sticky as it rains down his cheek to coat his hands.
Hands back around his throat now, the blood invigorating his attempts, pressing with more force.
" Filthy whore"
The words crawls into the crevice of his ear, low and husky with despise and suddenly Shawn craves the darkness, wants nothing more than to die rather than cry as a result of this embarrassment.
I'm wide awake and I can see
the perfect sky is torn.
He felt like he was choking, like the air in Hunter's living room was heavily crushing against his chest in order to strangle him with the sour stench of bleach and disinfectant. The glare of the hospital remained bright against the inside of his lids as he roused himself from sleep, spluttering against the tearful after-taste of the nightmare.
The attack and the hospital haunted him, plagued him in his dreams. He didn't have the heart to try and talk it through with Hunter, didn't have the inner strength that would allow him to do so. He didn't want to open that door to anyone other than him. The door that was bolted so that the shame and fear couldn't break free.
Eyes open the nightmare fluttered away, sought sanctuary amongst the shadows in the nooks and crannies of the unfamiliar.
Shawn gulped, savouring every mouthful of air. Loved the way it coursed freely through his veins. He surveyed the ceiling high above with faux interest, liked how it kept his thoughts away from the hotel.
Hunter's house was smaller than his own but he liked it. It seemed more cosy than his sprawling ranch in the hills, and if he couldn't currently be trusted by the doctors to reside alone he'd rather be here. He snuggled further beneath the blankets Hunter had laid upon him, tried not to wince at the remaining bruises and cuts that still stained his flesh.
He lay there, reluctant to surrender himself back to his subconscious, unsure of what it would present to him. Unwilling to close his eyes and find out.