Loosing You

Chapter 1

She walked through the rows of flowers as she took in the rich sent. She looked up into the sky and brushed a auburn strand of wet hair from her face and smiled up into the gentle rain fall. This was the first rain she had felt in seven years. Seven years that had ultimately been far too long. It had cost her a great deal to get them all home, she had had the constant heavy burden of the weight of those lives on her shoulder for those seven years and now they where home she was free. Or so she had thought she would be. Yet every day for the last month since they had burst into the alpha quadrant she had come here, this beautiful garden at Starfleet HQ, the memorial garden for all those lost in duty. Somehow it had always been a sanctuary for her since her cadet years. It reminded her of her dad. Now though it held other memories, the sorrowful reminder of all those under her command that she failed, all those who didn't make it back the alpha quadrant. Her mind was wondering and tears began to mix with rain streaming down her face. Taking a deep breath she turned to retreat back in side to her soon to be office when she almost slammed into a male figure who was stood watching her silently. His jet black hair and darker skin where what she saw first as she stepped back a bit to look at her old friend.

"I didn't mean to startle you." He said as his dark eyes met hers.

She smiled softly and lay a hand on his chest as she shook her head at her old friend "no not at all" removing her hand and turning slightly so she stood once more with her back to him she looked at the flowers and sighed saying "I was remembering"

"Indeed" he said stoically "the crew are concerned, it has been noted that you have returned here every day since our return admiral"

Raising an eye brow she turned back to him, placed her hand on her hips and shook her head at the Vulcan "has it indeed mister Tuvok, if I didn't know any better I would have to say you sounded concerned."

Tuvok just raised an eyebrow back at her and said stoically "admiral, it isn't logical to focus on what we have lost. Standing here in the rain will not return our fallen crew members."

Laughing slightly she shook her head and took a deep breath saying "Of course, you're right."

"Nor will it bring Commander Chakotay back to earth." The Vulcan stated matter of fact.

Kathryn's eyes met his like blazing sapphires as she narrowed them and tightened her lips as her deep husky voice growled "Mr Chakotay has made his choice. I am happy for him." Tuvok just stood looking at her with his eyebrow raised, Katheryn Janeway sighed "I am not denying it came as a shock to all of us, to me. I had of course assumed Mr. Chakotay would continue his commission with Starfleet. I had no reason to believe otherwise. He would have made a fine Captain of Voyager, I couldn't have wished for a better officer, a better man, to take her on but I am pleased for him. I am pleased he is settled off world and that he is enjoying what he is doing. I am happy he can carry on his ancient traditions as chief of his people, what's left of them."

"and Voyager?" Tuvok asked his friend as they slowly walked together towards the building.

Kathryn smiled "Will Ricker will make a fine captain and lead her well. Deanna and I where chatting a little at the ceremony, They are a great couple. Of course commander Paris will make a fine first officer, Will and Tom are very similar, I am not sure if Tom and Chakotay would have worked or would have been a disaster waiting to happen."

"indeed" commented Tuvok as he entered Starfleet HQ just a few steps behind the admiral.

Kathryn looked at the wall behind the desk, a wall that used to be adorned with Chakotay's ancient tribal tapestry which was now adorned with a rather large hollo-photo of a 20th century car and she sighed "Commander when are you ever going to grow up?" she asked voyagers new first officer as she sat down in his office.

The younger man just looked blackly at her before stating "Admiral I don't know if that is a question of concern or an insult."

Kathryn snorted and laugh shacking her head before saying "perhaps it's both"

"coming form you admiral I am honoured" Tom replied as he smiled at her.

Her smile faded slightly as she asked him softly with concern "how are you feeling about your new position?"

Tom looked at his deer friend and commanding officer seriously and nodded saying "I'm ok about it till I really stop to think about what this means" Kathryn looked at him confused "I am now first officer" Tom replied "and not just of any ship but of Voyager, it's a large mantle to carry and some pretty big boots of my predecessor to fill."

Kathryn smiled at the compliment Tom had just paid Chakotay. Laughing slightly she nodded and noted "Mr. Chakotay always did have a rather large shoe size."

It was now Toms turn to snigger as he told her "Admiral, you would know, I mean you know what they say about shoe size, a big shoe size means a big..."

"Thank You Tom!" She shouted raising her hand to stop him and shaking her head with her eyes shut and a crooked smile of disapproval on her face. "and WHAT exactly is that supposed to mean, I would know?"

Tom tried to back track, making a comment about Kathryn's sex life with the commander might have been a bad move "nothing admiral, I merely meant... well..." He didn't really know what to say.

Kathryn laughed and he visibly relaxed "for your information Tom, Chakotay and I never- not that it is any of your concern." Tom looked at her, he was stunned, he had been so sure his Captain and his First Officer where 'doing it' that he was unsure what to say. Luckily for him Kathryn also felt a change of conversation was in order as she asked "how's Miral? I would love to see her soon"

Tom's smile beamed as he told her "Miral is doing fine, she certainly takes after her mother when it comes to Klingon anger, no human baby screams THAT loud!"

Kathryn laughed and remarked "looks like you have your work cut out keeping them both happy"

Tom nodded before commenting "B'Elanna and Miral would both love to see you, call round any time you want."

Kathryn nodded and told him "I will"

Tom looked concerned as he asked "please do, I know I am only going to be gone a few weeks but I remember what happened last time we were to be gone a few weeks" Kathryn saw his pain and reached out and took his hand tightly in hers "I need to know they are ok and there are people looking out for them if I, well you know"

Kathryn squeezed his hand reassuringly "I know Tom, I know" Tom looked at her and knew she did understand. He had tried to talk to Deanna Riker about his concerns but she hadn't seemed to fully understand the fear that any of the Voyager crew felt every time they set off on a mission, what if they get lost again and can't make it home? Deanna was comparing it to the fear of being killed on duty, a very real possibility but she didn't seem to understand it was different, it was a unique fear to the voyager crew.

Tom met her eyes and said "B'Elanna isn't as strong as she pretends to be.

"I know" Kathryn agreed "I don't think any of us are, the delta quadrant changed us."

Tom nodded "exactly, and Kathryn I am worried, B'Elanna and Chakotay always had a special relationship. She misses him." Kathryn pulled her hand back from Tom and turned away slightly before nodding her agreement but didn't say a word. The sharp pang of regret and the feeling of being slightly abandoned swept over her again. Tom continued "I think he helped her feel safe out there in the delta quadrant, she's so overwhelmed with a new baby. It's not what she thought" Kathryn looked puzzled "you know having a baby, she, we, thought we would be on voyager, with our family, with support, with you and Chakotay protecting us."

"ahh" said Kathryn nodding her head "and B'Elanna is feeling lonely and with no support here in the Alpha Quadrant and I haven't visited nearly as much as I would have had we been on Voyager and with Chakotay light years away off world..." Her voice trailed off as she said that "I promise you Tom, I will visit her and be there for her, I am sorry I haven't been, the last four weeks have gone by so fast, I've barely seen my own mother."

Tom was reassured, he knew Kathryn would look in on his wife and daughter while he was away and he knew a visit from Kathryn Janeway was just what B'Elanna needed.

"It's normal B'Elanna." Kathryn tried to reassure her friend as she cradled the beautiful little baby in her arms.

B'Elanna was pacing up and down her sitting room in the Starfleet flat she and Tom had moved into with their daughter after Voyagers return so that Tom could continue to work for Starfleet as Voyagers first officer "I don't want to be one of those nagging wives" B'Elanna growled "So weak and can't do anything for themselves."

"Your not!" insited Kathryn "it's only been four weeks since Miral was born and all our worlds got turned upside down, Tom has really only gone for a few weeks. Don't be too hard on yourself." Kathryn stood and walked towards where her friend was stood "she's beautiful Kathryn remarked looking down at the sleeping baby in her arms, she's a miracle"

"I can't believe I am a mother, it felt ok while we were on Voyager with everyone around us but now I wonder if I am cut out to be mother material." Kathryn knew the half Klingon well, she knew when she was coping and when things where too much. This was one of those times when things where too much though Kathryn could see that B'Elanna was trying to cope but everything was overwhelming her.

"B'Elanna?" Katheyn asked softly as he deep caring, wise blue eyes met the dark eyes of her younger friend.

B'Elanna sighed "I never told Tom but when I first discovered I was pregnant I didn't think I could manage it." Kathryn looked her friend in the eyes wishing her to continue "I wanted to terminate" Kathryn was surprised but didn't let on as she reached out her hand and placed it softly on the shoulder of her deal friend as if to will her to continue and to show it was ok. "I was confused, I didn't think a Starship was the place for a baby, least of all one all alone in the Delta Quadrant, I didn't want my child to be Klingon like me"

"It was a difficult and challenging situation" Kathryn nodded in agreement "You are strong, a brave woman and I couldn't think of a better mother that I am more proud of"

"Everything changed so suddenly" B'Elanna pointed out "I wasn't expecting to bring a baby up alone"

Kathryn sighed "I'm sorry B'Elanna I haven't been very good at my Godmother duties. To be honest I haven't had much time for anything but being an admiral since the return."

B'Elanna nodded in reply "I understand" Kathryn smiled a half smile and looked down at the baby still asleep in her arms as B'Elanna said "We are really proud of you for your promotion." Kathryn just smiled back at her friend and squeezed her arm reassuringly but made no reply. B'Elanna was about to carry on reassuring the older woman when her l comm terminal began to beep signifying a long range communication.

"That will probably be Tom checking in" Kathryn pointed out and B'Elanna replied with a nod, I'll take Miral upstairs to bed and then fix us something to eat and let you talk to him.

B'Elanna visibally relaxed, since Mirals birth and Voyagers return she hadn't had any chance to relax and just chat to her husband. "Thanks" she smiled as he moved towards the comm to answer the call.

Kathryn smiled then looked at the baby in her arms saying "Come on little one, let's get you to bed." With that she turned and walked out the room. Just as she began to walk up the stairs B'Elanna answered the comm. "Chakotay!" she heard B'Elanna's voice exclaim with a mixture of excitement and confusion. Kathryn stopped dead in her tracks with one foot on the stairs as she heard her deep, and strong voice say "I finally got onto a comm system and couldn't think of anyone else I would rather talk to and I couldn't wait to see how you and baby Miral are doing." Kathryn smiled a sad crooked smile as she began to climb the stairs tears beginning to form in her eyes.

Kathryn came down the stairs sometime later to hear B'Elanna still on the comm with Chakotay. She smiled as she heared the smile in both their voices. Choosing the simply walk into the kitchen as to not disturb them she began to look around about food. Tom always had been a fan of 20th century things and even their kitchen was set up very much like a 20th century kitchen. Trying to remember what she had learnt about these ancient appliances in her history class she set about making dinner for herself and B'Elanna. She wanted to be happy that Chakotay had contacted his close friend as soon as he had managed to get a comm connection but she was sad that she wouldn't have been on his list of people he wanted to talk to. She and her first officer hadn't parted very well mainly because of her stubborn nature. When he had told her he has resigned from Starfleet and was leaving earth it had felt like a great knife had been wedged into her heart. That was only three weeks ago but it felt like an eternity to her. They had argued and she had accused him of many things she should not have accused him off. He had asked her to be happy for him and come to the transport station to see him off. She hadn't gone. Tom and B'Elanna had gone and told her that though Chakotay had tried not to show it he was gutted she had been 'too busy' to make it but had wanted to wish him well. Kathryn knew although she was busy at Starfleet HQ she could have made it to say farwell to him, she had chosen not to. She knew he would know it too. She sighed heavily as she wiped away the tears she didn't notice she was crying and quickly turned back to the cooking. Just then Miral's cry rang out though the house. Quickly Kathryn walked towards the stitting room to signify to B'Elanna she would go to attend to the baby. As she did B'Elanna smiled at her and mouthed 'thank you' just as Chakotay was asking her "is that Miral? Do you have to go?"

As she turned to climb the stairs to attend to the baby she heard B'Elanna reply "No, it's ok, Kathryn is seeing to it."

Kathryn stopped, B'Elanna didn't know of the argument between her and Chakotay and she didn't really want to have to face that with her there and then. She didn't know what Chakotay's response would be to the knowledge that she had been there the whole time he had been talking with B'Elanna. "Kathryn?" Chakotay asked surprised "is Kathryn with you?"

"Yea" B'Elanna told him innocently "She came to visit on her way home from Starfleet this evening, she's been upstairs settling Miral while we where talking. Then she has started to cook dinner."

Kathryn waited for Chakotay's reply before running up the stairs to see to the crying baby. Though part of her felt wrong for listening and intruding when neither Chakotay nor B'Elanna knew they could hear her but she felt like she had to know his reply. She was dreading what his reply would be, what he did say she had not expected "That would be why there was no answer when I commed her home just before I commed you." Kathryn just stood still at that reply, anyone else might not have heard it but she knew Chakotay's voice. He was relieved, she wasn't sure what about but she knew he was relieved about something. Kathryn didn't have much time to think much on it as she had to hurry upstairs to see to Miral.

As she tended to the baby she thought on the fact that Chakotay had commed her first. Does this mean he wanted to talk to her? What did he want to say? It had only been three weeks since they had argue and she had hurt him by refusing to see him off but it felt like a lifetime, was he too feeling the same? Or was he just wanting to argue with her again. Shaking her head and rocking the baby in her arms she scolded her self saying "get a grip Kathryn, your not a school girl who's boyfriend just dumped you."