Disclaimer: Freddie and Todd do not belong to me.  In fact, NON of the characters belong to me! The song "How soon is now?" does not belong to me either (it belongs to The Smiths).   Jeez, you'd think I own nothing... well, I do own nothing.  (Translation:  If you sue, you'll GET nothing)

Warning: I've reverted to my angsty ways! You have been warned!

A/N: This song has been in my head the past few days and then it occurred to me "Todd belongs with this song!!" so I whipped this up. Hope you like, please review this to let me know what you think. I have a 2nd chapter in my head where I resolve all the angst with a little slashy/yaoi action. hmmm, Kurt anyone? (I'm a sucker for happy endings. but THIS songfic contains NO happy endings)

"Spoken out loud words"

'Thoughts'

Song lyrics are in italics

On with the show.

Self Loathing

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

Todd Tolensky looked into the mirror. An image that he was all too familiar with peered back at him through the glass. He grimaced with disgust and turned away from the image, placing a webbed hand over the reflection. Who could possibly want to be with him? He was so useless. Everything about him. he lacked any measure of confidence to stand up for himself or do anything.

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

Todd fought the rush of memories of the events a few moments prior.

Todd was awkwardly trying to go unnoticed in the corner of the gym.
"Hey, Toady Tolensky! What are you doing here?" Duncan Matthews voice had caught him off guard.
"What would a disgusting little slime ball like you be doing at a school dance?"

Todd had just looked at them, unable to come up with a reply. He knew that anything he said would have been ineffective in making them leave him alone. So he just stood there, waiting for it to be over.

"Yeah Toad," Duncan's friends had started to join in the 'fun', gaining confidence in themselves with every criticizing blow they delivered to the smaller boy.
"It's no like any girls would want to dance with you! Not if we're here!" He gestured to his jock buddies and they had all laughed at this 'smart' joke. Todd had groaned inwardly and wished that they would just leave. These words were not new to him; he had heard them before, far too many times in his life.

The lanky boy pulled himself from his memories of the encounter that had happened only 15 minutes prior. He removed his hand away from the mirror to look back at his reflection. "I know I'm nothing special," he said to himself. A sad look came to his eyes, "But does that mean that I can't be happy?"

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and the heir
Oh, of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you

Todd exited the bathroom and returned to his place at the dance. in the corner. He watched as happy couples were holding each other close as they swayed to the slow playing music.

Soft green eyes surveyed the crowd. There was a group of girls further down the bleachers, giggling with each other. Todd recognized one of them as Nat, a girl who was in his geography class. 'Maybe.' he thought. 'Maybe, she would dance with me.' The young boy tried to think of something that he could say to her. Anything that would make her give him a chance. A few long moments passed and he sighed in defeat. "Aw, what's the use, yo!" He scolded himself. 'Even if you could think of something to say, you don't have the guts to ask her!'

Todd surveyed the dance floor once again. He spotted Lance further over across the gym. He was dancing with Kittie, holding her close. They both had the most contented smiles on their faces, their eyes were closed as they swayed in each other's arms, oblivious to all those around them.

Lance had been the one who had brought him here, claiming that it would be fun. 'Yeah right.' Todd wondered, 'Fun for who?'

So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own

Eyes drifted back to Nat. 'Like she'd want me anyways.' Todd could feel tears brimming in his eyes. He took a deep breath, trying to control the flood of emotions. "I'm outta here, yo." A voice on the verge of breaking declared to itself.

And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die

The walk home from the dance wasn't that long, and Todd was too wrapped up in his own sorrow to notice if it was long or not. He managed to get in the front door of the boarding house without losing control of his emotions. Freddie was watching TV and barely acknowledged his arrival. Pietro was nowhere to be seen. Todd ran up the stairs to his room, closing the door behind him. He leaned heavily against it as tears began to stream down his face. He bit his lip and squeezed his eyes tightly shut. 'They're right.' He thought, burying his face in his hands. 'They're right. How could anybody ever love me? If they don't feel contempt for me, then they feel pity.'

Whey you say it's gonna happen "now"
Well, what exactly do you mean?
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

He pulled his hands away from his tear-streaked face and looked accusingly towards the small mirror that hung on his wall. A sullen figure stared back at him angrily. He stormed over to the offending reflection.

"What are you looking at?!" He screamed. "Why don't you do everybody a favour and leave! How could anybody like you? Even ~I~ don't like you!"
Todd's voice cracked with rage, tears running freely down his reddened face. "I don't like you!" He repeated, bringing his fists down on the reflective glass, breaking it.
"Don't like you! Don't like you! Don't like you!" He began screaming this mantra, emphasizing each word with another blow to the already smashed glass. Todd slumped to the floor; his sobs wracked his frail body as he held bloodied hands to his head.

See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

Some time later the small figure pulled himself off the floor and onto his bed. He held himself tightly, trying to will himself to sleep. Duncan's words still fresh in his mind as he drifted off into oblivion.

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

*****

Please let me know what you think. Dodo-Dodo