Written for tumblr's July flash fiction – regrets! Hope you enjoy. Takes place in the 2012-verse immediately after the season 2 finale.
Wounds That Never Heal
Black and blue. Who knew the dark splotches they once wore like badges of honor could grotesquely tarnish their green skin? He should have been used to the sight by now. Their training and general rough housing normally left a series of discolored souvenirs to gloat about – usually about who delivered the painful gift – usually by Raph. Even battle wounds were a normal occurrence he routinely attended to. But this…this was different…more purposeful. The contusions served as nothing more than an agonizing reminder of Shredder's lethal intentions. And while he was used to nursing his brothers, Donnie could barely stand the site of laying Leo unconscious in the bath tub.
One week had elapsed. One week since the invasion. One week since he witnessed Leo crashing through Mr. O'Neil's window. The day was a blur now. The chaos had left a mess of disjointed memories in his mind. Even as they fled the city, leaving the commotion behind, their quiet ride through the forested Adirondack Mountains was anything other than peaceful. With a heavy heart, Donnie just couldn't look at the bloody, broken sight of Leo being cradled in Mikey's arms. Raph did little to help the situation as he insisted on yelling at Donnie to do something, anything, as if he could just pull a remedy out of his ass and somehow miraculously save their brother's life. All Donnie could do was spit back that he lacked the equipment to help, that he was completely useless. Tension quickly filled the van, rendering the entire trip depressingly miserable. Even in the silence, Donnie felt the judgmental, angry emerald eyes burning the back of his head. Had Raph known anything beyond basic first aid, he would have immediately assumed the role of Leo's doctor but instead reluctantly settled into the role of his guardian angel. True to his stubborn nature, Raph monopolized bedside time with Leo. Mikey didn't seem to mind sharing the space with him, but Donnie found it unfair that Mikey never enjoyed a fair share of solitary vigils.
The days passed by in a surreal dreamlike fashion. None of it felt real…none of it should have been real. The concreteness of the reality eluded Donnie the most as he secluded himself in the barn, transforming it into his own personal laboratory. Back home his workshop always served as his refuge – a zen garden for engineers. Throwing himself into projects somehow eased his mind, gave him a sense of peace. In a world he rarely understood and often times found himself awkwardly frustrated with human social structures, Donnie sought comfort in the tangibility of watching gears connect together and influence one another. He understood machines. If only he could connect this well with his own family.
With each passing night however Donnie's concentration became less focused. Donnie walked through the days in a progressively thicker haze. Maybe they all were immersed in the same fog; none of them really registered each other – well Mikey tried but quickly recoiled his efforts when brusquely brushed off. Finally Donnie found himself in his lab without any goals, purpose, or motivation. Staring aimlessly at the wall, the screwdriver dangled idly in his hand that was until a frustrated growl ripped through his throat as his hand simultaneously flung the screwdriver into the wall. Storming out of the barn, Donnie considered strolling through the woods – perhaps fresh air would help oxygenate him – but then noticed the bathroom light flicker off.
Did Raph actually force himself to bed?
Most likely not. If anything, Mikey or maybe even April may have convinced him to get some sleep. Either way, Donnie's feet worked on their own accord, walking back into the house and up the stairs until he entered the dark bathroom. He stared at the water-filled tub, afraid to approach it as if a phantom will suddenly climb out of it just like in those Japanese horror films Mikey tortured himself with. In the darkness, Donnie barely made out Leo's silhouette eerily bobbing in the tub – a ghostly enough sight. Biting his lip, Donnie flipped the light switch on, risking disturbing the injured brother. To his relief, the light bulb only casted a dim glow – just enough light to observe Leo but not bright enough to arouse anyone out of bed. Creeping closer, Donnie silently sat on the stool that Raph left by the tub. Much to Raph's chagrin this was the first time Donnie had seen Leo since escaping the city and the sight pained him, sending a wave of sorrow through his soul. The cuts had sealed up, leaving thick scars as a reminder of his ordeal. To his amazement, Leo did not appear to have suffered any infections. Whatever Raph's routine was it worked. Examining closer Donnie was unable to determine if any of the bruising had subsided. The sickly green color of healing normally evident on human skin camouflaged well on turtle skin. Yet deep purple bruises were still plainly visible.
"You took one hell of a beating, Bro," Donnie murmured. It didn't matter whether the stories were true or not that talking to the comatose helped them through their crisis. For some reason the words needed to be heard regardless if Leo was actually receptive to the message. "If only…..if only I wasn't so damn stubborn, we wouldn't be in this mess. You wouldn't be in this position – completely unresponsive, half dead….in a tub…."
The words clogged up in his throat as the floodgates opened and tears streamed down his cheeks. Donnie pressed the back of his hands against his eyes, attempting to block the flow but failed miserably.
"I…I w-wish Father was….here. I don't know what to do anymore. If only I had his advice…"
"He'd tell ya to get your head outta your ass and stop moping around."
Donnie nearly fell off the stool at the sudden gruff voice echoing out from nowhere. Wide eyed, he spun his head around to find Raph leaning against the doorframe with his muscular arms folded across his chest. Seriously, living with ninjas sucked.
He really wanted to yell at him to get out but instead cut his eyes derisively and muttered, "he wouldn't say that."
"No," Raph conceded sternly. "He woulda pulled out one of those old Japanese sayings that basically meant the same thing. The hell's been your problem anyway? In a time when Leo needs ya the most, you've avoided him – refused to care for him. Yet here you are – unsure of what to do. What bullshit! This is what you're good at. Why's this so different? Why aren't ya the one tending to his wounds? Checking in on him daily, morning and night? Why?!"
"Because this was my fault!"
Raph's mouth gaped open, shocked into silence. Be it the confession for the angry outburst, Donnie couldn't say. Nonetheless quick witted Raph was actually rendered speechless. No sarcastic comeback. Donnie wished he could see his brother's mental gears turning as he processed the statement. No such luck. Donnie had to settle for wide-eyed bewilderment that finally turned into furrowed brows and a look that seemed to say "you're a dumbass."
"How do ya figure, Donnie?"
Brick red eyes turned away to shield his shame, or at least Donnie refused to watch piercing emerald eyes analyzing him.
"Leo kept insisting we should leave the city…" Remorse coated his voice as he recalled the days leading up to New York City's downfall. "…that setting up base outside of the city would be more strategic. We could hide out and plan. You agreed with him. But…but I had to be the stubborn one, saying that everything was under control. That I had the ultimate weapon against the Kraang. You and Mikey saw legitimacy in both our perspectives so we were in a stalemate. The only reason Leo didn't try to veto the decision was because he wanted all of us to be on the same page. Diplomacy for the sake of not looking like a dictator."
Sniffling, Donnie paused to wipe his hand against his runny nose. A slimy film ran across his finger which he just wiped "clean" against the side of his thigh.
"The day the Kraang struck, after you left to go on patrol with Casey, Leo again tried to convince me we needed to leave the city. It's just I was so close to finishing the Turtle-Mech; I couldn't just abandon months of hard work. Didn't matter in the end. The Kraang attacked anyway. The mech wasn't finished. Even if it I had finished it, the damned thing proved useless in battle. My arrogance costed us so much. Father's gone. Leo's nearly dead. Guess Karma really came around to bite me in the ass."
Under Raph's intense glare, Donnie squirmed uncomfortably, feeling vulnerable to his brother's scrutiny. He dared not make eye contact as he feared what he might see…what did he expect to see? Resentment? Distrust? Disappointment? Donnie rather not find out. In a burst of energy, Donnie raced for the door so he could retreat to the room he shared with Mikey. However, Donnie felt a firm grasp on his upper arm and suddenly felt the room spin dizzily. Once the world stopped whirling, Donnie found himself pinned hard against the damp, creaky wood. White paint chips flaked off from the impact with a few landing on Donnie's shoulders. Despite being mere millimeters from his brother's face, Donnie refused to meet his gaze.
"Enough running, Donnie!" Raph's hot breath brushed Donnie's cheeks. "Ya can't just keep running to your precious workshop when the world gets too hard for ya to handle. We only have each other left. We can't afford to flake out now, not when we need each other the most. Father ain't here to guide us anymore, Leo might be slowly dying, and you're just hiding from everyone instead of steppin' up. Ya think you're the only one with regrets? Huh?!"
Raph thumped Donnie against the wall in sync with his last question. More white flakes snowed down around them, along with dust that had been stuck between the wood panels. Donnie finally shifted his gaze to find tears welling up in Raph's eyes, distorting the brilliant green irises. His mouth parted as if to ask what Raph meant but the words caught in his throat so his own misty orbs asked for him.
"Come on, Donnie, I'm the one who gave Leo the most shit especially after he was chosen leader. Sometimes it was out spite cuz I was jealous. I know I'm stronger than him…physically at least. Sometimes I gave him crap just cuz it was fun to get him flustered – ya know, stupid sibling stuff. He's fifteen just like the rest of us and here he'd been giving permission to boss us around like we're his underlings. Do we even know if he's older than us? Does it matter? We're supposed to be on the same level- just brothers. It all changed that day we finally convinced Father to let us go topside. But ya know what? Father was right to choose him. He put himself in harm's way to make sure everyone else got out safe. Would you have done the same, Donnie? Would you have had the guts to draw all the Kraang toward you? Would you have taken Shredder and his henchmen all alone? Do you have balls that big, Donnie, cuz I sure as hell know that I don't! Sure I would have entered a high stakes fight but I don't know if I would have maintained my cool especially not knowing if the rest of you were safe. That would've been a huge distraction. But he can and he did and I bet he has no regrets over that. So do us all a favor and get over this pity fest of yours and man up! We do need you, Bro. Leo needs you."
Once Raph relinquished his grasp, the pressure instantly dissipated though Donnie suspected it'll yield a nasty bruise in the morning. Neither one said any parting words as Raph stormed out of the room and slammed his bedroom door shut, rattling the walls. Only after he was alone did Donnie rub his sore arm. No need to give Raph another reason to view him as a weakling. Donnie sunk to the dusty floor as guilt twisted his heart. His eyes could no longer bear to look at the tub as he wondered how much of the conversation Leo was able to perceive, if any of it. The thought alone unsettled him and brought a fresh round of tears gushing past his eyelids.
"I'm so sorry, Leo. I really wish I was as strong as you. To be able to push beyond my own doubts and fears like you do. But how can I when ultimately I may have been responsible for signing your death warrant?"