Hey, kids! I made an attempt to write dialogue that feels true-to-canon, and I'm not sure how I did. Constructive criticism, please? Tumblr: whatstheproblembaby
"Hey, Blaine! Any reason for the surprise call?" Kurt chirped happily into his phone. Usually Blaine didn't call him until Tuesday night, but he always loved talking to his recently-reclaimed best friend.
"Can it, Hummel. I'm working on borrowed time here," an unfamiliar female voice responded. "The laxatives I put in Blaine's water bottle might only last for another ten minutes, if I'm lucky."
"Wait, wh- laxatives? Who the hell are you?" Kurt was about two seconds away from hanging up and texting Tina his questions about what exactly was happening at McKinley now.
"Kitty Wilde, resident bitch and Celibacy Club president now that Quinn Fabray's graduated. I'm on the Cheerios with your twink of a boyfriend, which is how I got his phone in the first place."
"First of all, he's not my boyfriend, and second, there are so many things wrong with that introduction that my hair literally just combusted. Why, out of all the people in the world, are you calling me?"
"I'm calling you because if I have to hear one more sad Phil Collins song about you I'm going to smother myself with the thirteenth apostle's obviously unwashed dreadlocks, and suicide's a sin. What is it going to take to get you to get the pep back in Anderson's kids'-size-extra-small step?"
"I-"
"I'm prepared to grab Blaine once he stops praying to the porcelain lord and blackmail him into doing whatever you want if it will make him stop looking like a kicked puppy whenever someone brings up your relationship."
"Oh my God, he does not look like a kicked puppy!"
"You're right, he doesn't. He looks like one of those disgustingly sad cleft-lip children you see on sappy feed-the-poor commercials."
"I...don't even know how to respond to that."
"Then don't. Now here's what you're going to do. You're going to stay on the line with me until Blaine can finally put his thong back around his junk, and then you two are going to have whatever rainbow-flavored conversation you need to get back together again so Blaine doesn't make us sit through 'On My Own' when we do Les Mis songs next week. If this doesn't happen, I will find you, and I will burn whatever hovel you're undoubtedly living in in New York to the ground."
"He has to wear a- no, I'm not going there with you. Can I ask you one question, though?"
"I suppose that's what Jesus would do, so sure. Fire away."
"Why are you really doing this, Kitty? You sound like the type who puts Nair in everyone's shampoo just because you can."
"If you tell anyone this, I'll deny it, but Anderson's the one person here who genuinely likes everyone in this godforsaken glee club, which somehow makes him endearing instead of pathetic. Since he's made high school slightly more tolerable for me, I'm trying to do something decent for him in return."
"That sounds like my B- I mean, Blaine. He did the same for me, you know."
"Save it for someone who cares, Hummel. Just because I told you one of my dirty secrets does not mean that we're suddenly besties, okay?"
"Fine, whatever. Just know that if and when I come visit McKinley this summer, I'm going to make sure to suffocate you in a hug."
"I expect nothing less. Oh, thank God, Blaine's finally done driving the ceramic bus. Here's your phone, Ken doll."
"...H'lo?" Finally, a voice Kurt recognized.
"Hi, B. I think we need to talk."