For Dwarf Appreciation Week on Tumble

"Varric, I need you to do me a favor," Lucas said.

"Anything for a fellow dwarf," Varric said. "Or for the Inquisitor. And by 'anything' do keep in mind that I do not literally mean anything. I've gotten into a few awkward situations by not clarifying that, by the way. Usually with Hawke. Or Merrill. Anders. Isabela. Not Fenris, actually, he actually had some sense for moderation and what is and is not reasonable to ask for. But, by all means, tell me what you want."

"I already bought your book," Lucas said, tolerantly rolling his eyes. "Actually, I've bought all your books. But if you want to write a sequel about all the non-heroic crap that you guys got up to back in Kirkwall then I would buy like five copies."

"Duly noted," Varric said. "And what can I say? I finished that romance series for Cassandra for less."

"Hey, you definitely sold more than five copies of that! Josephine purchased in bulk and started giving them to our noble guests," Lucas said.

"But that's a pity sell so it only half-counts," Varric said. "You still haven't gotten around to the favor so now I know it must be something like you want me to get you a pet dragon or something."

Lucas shook his head. "No, that's not it. Although…if you did want to get me one know that I would love you forever."

"Yeah, yeah…"

"I need you to write me a story," Lucas began.

Varric laughed. "A story? Really, Inquisitor, you're going to have a whole series of books! Or do you really think I can put what happened at Redcliffe in with whatever will happen when we finally get this Grey Warden mess straightened out or when we go try and save Empress Celene? No, no. Those will take at least three books to properly cover."

"I kind of knew you were going to be writing about us but did, I don't know, Leliana or Josephine okay that?" Lucas asked. "I feel like some of this might not be stuff we want getting out and I'm a little terrified to get on either of their bad sides."

"Please," Varric said, laughing. "I am a professional."

Lucas coughed something that sounded suspiciously like 'Hard in Hightown.'

Varric narrowed his eyes. "Well, that's just it. No one tries to do a pastiche of you unless you're a professional."

"I mean, I'm kind of concerned about just how this is all going to be done," Lucas said. "Take Redcliffe. You know about Dorian and my first date time travelling a year into the future but you really only know what we said about it. Dorian complained about everyone yelling at him for trying to stop us from sinking into despair and kind of bragged about his amazing work bringing us back. And I was a little busy crying over the personal tragedies of the Venatori and being appalled an admittedly severely tortured woman killed a helpless ghoul to tell you anything you probably really cared about."

"That is true. You two were kind of useless," Varric said. "But. But. I am a professional. I can work with what I have and I'm sure I can spin a very compelling tale. Do you really call your trip through time your first date?"

"Of course I do. And it was a lovely one. Dorian doesn't think of it like that but that's really only the kind of thing you need to worry about for anniversaries, you know," Lucas said.

"I'm just glad that I was actually at Redcliffe. I can only imagine what I would have had to work with if I hadn't been there."

"I really don't know what you mean," Lucas said. "We were invited there by Fiona, she had no idea what we were talking about, Alexius had somehow gotten leadership of the mages, we were about to discuss terms and his son seemed ill so we rescheduled. Felix slipped me a note and I met Dorian and found out the two of them were working against what they called the Venatori. I came back later and even though Alexius was pretending he might work with me I told him I knew about the Venatori. They tried to attack me but Leliana had them all killed. Alexius tried to erase me from time and Dorian interfered so we went forward a year, went back, and Alexius surrendered in the face of overwhelming odds. Pretty standard, really. Well, not the time travel part. That was very unusual. But you weren't really there for that anyway and already had to go by what we said happened."

Varric nodded. "Yeah, I was actually there for that part, remember? And that might have been what happened but that is absolutely not how you would have described it."

Lucas stared at him. "Varric. That's literally how I just described it."

"Because I already knew so there's no point. But do you know how you would have described it had I not been there and needed you to tell me something because frankly everyone else is a terrible storyteller?"

Lucas crossed his arms. "Is this the part where I'm supposed to be convinced that you know how I would have said it better than I do?"

"Yes." Varric thought about it. "Actually, I take that back. I don't know how self-aware you are. But I absolutely know better than you would have admitted as evidenced by that extremely factual and not at all Lucas report."

"If I said it it's the kind of thing I would say."

"No, no, I think you'll find that it was quite out of character."

"I just said that I did not," Lucas said. "And people can't act out of character. Anything they do is very in character for whatever the situation they find themselves in."

"It is so painfully obvious to me that you are not a writer," Varric said mournfully.

"Fine. Tell me, how do you think that I would have told you about what I experienced?" Lucas asked. "Keeping in mind that I know your version of events has you confusing everyone by making asides to the audience and shooting everything with your crossbow."

"I really don't know where you got that from," Varric said.

"Tale of the Champion."

"Okay, well, that might be my style. It's very high-brow. I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't get it," Varric quipped.

Lucas just rolled his eyes.

"As for how you'd describe it…Well first you'd complain about the fact that Fiona had lost her mind and decided to sign everyone up to be indentured to Tevinter for ten years and wonder why everyone went along with this. Then you'd go on about how nothing appeared to be forcing her to keep to her agreement but she chose to do so anyway and it was extremely annoying that, since she was making you deal with Alexius, she wouldn't stop interrupting to complain about but not do anything about the fact she didn't like what Alexius was doing. You'd go on to talk about how silly you thought the Tevinter dragon outfits were and compliment Alexius on what an attentive parent he seemed to be. You'd be highly concerned that Dorian mentioned Felix spilling wine on you when he didn't and fret about how awful having wine spilled on you might have been even though it never happened. And you'd go on for a while about how handsome you thought he was even though we've met. You would have described everything Dorian said in painstaking detail and may have actually quoted him. How am I doing so far?"

"That sounds nothing like me," Lucas lied.

"You would have wondered why it didn't seem to occur to Felix or Dorian that obviously Alexius had joined a cult because of Felix's mysterious illness, either out of grief or to try and cure him. You would have started tearing up talking about how tragic the whole thing was and completely ignoring what a terrible situation the rebel mages were in. If pressed on this, you would have claimed they were doing fine and why was Fiona still going along with this when the templars were clearly not about to attack and how if she really wanted to go sell everyone to Tevinter for a decade because of honor it was really not your problem. Truly, your lack of sympathy for them while you were worrying about someone who literally tried to erase you out of time would have been bewildering."

"Okay, but you know I never said anything like that," Lucas said.

"No, but I was there. It was pretty obvious you were thinking that. You were one more Fiona interruption away from asking her to stop interrupting."

Lucas uncrossed his arms so that he could cross them again. "Well I heard great things about her but she really failed to deliver. She never should have made such an idiotic deal that doomed her people and, even if I take into account that she was desperate and not thinking clearly and Alexius caught her at a bad time, she didn't seem to have any intention of doing anything other than complaining he couldn't do what he evidently could. That's all I'm saying."

"Which, fortunately, you didn't actually say to her," Varric said. "You would have complained a lot about how Dorian really should have joined up after your first meeting and how impressive he was beating demons to death with his staff and what a dramatic entrance he could make. Then you'd have given me the same story about what your time in the future was like and come back to talk about how you almost couldn't stand it when Felix was reassuring his father about his impending death and how sad Alexius looked. Then you would have complained about how it was that you had been in Redcliffe for less than ten minutes and yet nobody had noticed the entire Ferelden army less than ten minutes behind you because they suddenly showed up and how rude the king and queen were to you when they kicked everyone out. And how confused you were that if Alistair and Anora were right behind you arriving at Redcliffe they hadn't managed to do anything Alexius since Leliana had all the other Venatori killed in that terrifying future. Does that at all sound like something you'd have said?"

"I'm going to say 'no'," Lucas said. "But not because you are, in fact, wrong about me. It's actually a little creepy how little you know me."

"It's actually a little scary getting inside your head," Varric replied. "And I still haven't quite worked out how you're not pro-templar when you have so little sympathy for mages."

"I have all the sympathy in the world for mages," Lucas argued. "Just not for stupidity. Or abominations. Deals with demons. Blood magic in most circumstances. But yeah, mages are great. Anyway, I'm a dwarf so I don't know why I'm expected to really have opinions about these kinds of things. Aside from Dorian, Solas and Vivienne and I get along great!"

"Only because you keep asking Solas a million questions and he enjoys answering questions and because you lie to Vivienne about everything."

"Not everything," Lucas countered. "Just, you know, the bit about how I think the Chantry is a necessary institution and I believe in Andraste and I think templars should still exist. And maybe the bit about how we need to compromise and not just let mages do whatever they want until they start abusing the power then going after the individual mages who do that. And possibly something about how we shouldn't look to Tevinter to mold our society on but Dorian has some really great suggestions about what we should do with the mages going forward and we should all listen to him."

"So you're not lying to her about what, exactly?" Varric asked pointedly.

"How much I love her fashion and how much she scares me and I guess whatever else happens to come up," Lucas said. "It's really not that bad."

"I am going to have so much fun writing that epic about you," Varric said fondly.

Lucas grinned. "I live to serve."

"Do you really not care that when he sent you to the future we all had red lyrium growing out of us and the world was doomed and Corypheus killed us and was going to conquer all of Thedas?" Varric asked incredulously.

"Not really," Lucas said, shrugging. "I mean, it's not his fault Corypheus was out there doing all that and we may fail to stop him anyway in which case whether I was there or not really doesn't make a difference."

"That's…comforting."

"And anyway we fixed it and you don't even remember it so what's the harm? We can't blame someone for what they were totally going to do but didn't actually get around to doing because they were stopped, can we?"

"I think we can," Varric argued. "That's why you judged him – if you even want to call it that – for attempted assassination."

"And attempted enslavement which I can only assume means the mages but they did sign a contract so I don't know if that was attempted anything. And he's part of the Imperial Chantry not the Orlesian one so I don't see how apostasy plays into it or what that has to do with time travel but I asked Josephine and she said it was about that whole bit."

"Just because they agreed to slavery doesn't mean it's not still illegal. You can't enter into an illegal agreement and have it be legally enforced," Varric said.

"Yeah but it really sounded more like a sucky apprenticeship than anything else," Lucas argued. "And mages are enslaved to the Chantry usually anyway. I find them to be a very sketchy organization. I'm glad the mages rebelled even if it did lead to all this headache for me. And let's not even get into the fact everyone wanted me to conscript the mages instead of ally with them which also sounds kind of like slavery. But by all means, let's just keep harping on the stupid contract Fiona stupidly signed for no real reason and then adhered to until the Ferelden army showed up to arrest Alexius for kicking Teagan out or whatever."

"I would say Dorian was a horrible influence on you if I didn't know you were already like that and even he seems more critical of what happened than you do," Varric said, shaking his head.

"All I know was that I saw the ghoul Felix turned into and saw the look on his face when Leliana brutally murdered him and it was just devastating."

"Do you just forgive anyone for anything if they look sad enough?" Varric demanded.

Lucas thought about it. "Generally, yes."

"Then where's the sympathy for Fiona and the mages?"

"Well the mages all looked terrified and that's not quite the same thing. And Fiona looked pissed and like she was two minutes from setting everyone on fire. If she had, I would have respected her more."

"But then you'd have been mad that she attacked someone who looked extremely sad," Varric said, throwing his hands up in the air.

"He didn't look sad the whole time. And if he looked sad when all this happened then I'd be upset but also respect it. I'm a very complex person, you know," Lucas claimed.

"Andraste chose this," Varric reminded himself.

"I really don't think she did," Lucas disagreed. "It was probably like a demon or something you guys saw when I fell out of the fade. But enough about that! We haven't gotten around to what I was going to ask you!"

"I thought we had," Varric said, frowning. "You said you wanted me to write something for you."

"Yes but I meant something specific, not just writing about me. But if you don't write at least five books about me I'm going to throw a fit," Lucas warned.

"I'll see what I can do," Varric said.

"I meant, specifically, I need you to write a book – any kind of book – that involves two men having a happy, healthy romantic relationship that ends well for them," Lucas said.

Varric raised his eyebrow. "Huh. That was…not what I was expecting you to say."

"I mean, if you absolutely must set it against a backdrop of dragon hunting then I shall have no choice but to bow to your greater experience," Lucas said innocently.

Varric laughed. "That was more like it. So. You want some happy male lovers. It can't be a romance novel, my romance novels are always terrible. Not to say that I can't do a good romance – you should see the magic I worked with Anders and Emma – but I can't focus a plot around it. Tell me, any particular reason for this request?"

"It has been brought to my attention that there are precious few examples known, in literature or in life, of two men being together. I mean, that is not to say that there are not plenty of men who are together but if they are not known then it is not helpful for my purposes. And I may have heard some rumors about Celene and Briala but that relationship – if indeed it is even true – ended when Celene massacred a bunch of elves because her cousin embarrassed her or something and that's not exactly what I would call a positive example. So I thought I would go to the best and only writer I know and see if he couldn't work something out. I mean, I fully expect your books about me to include that should I bring Dorian around on the subject but you said you refuse to publish anything about the Inquisition until we defeat Corypheus."

"For security purposes," Varric said, nodding. "I wouldn't want the Venatori to start reading my books – or Corypheus, can you even imagine? – and accidentally figure out our weaknesses or plans or something. I'm not always the best at realizing when things should stay secret, strangely enough. Oh, I can in real life but I just get so consumed by my books I don't always be as careful as I should."

"Right, security. That's important, I guess. But, more to the point, will you do it?"

Varric smiled at him. "You want me to write you as many men loving men as I can so Dorian will feel more comfortable with actual male relationships and not whatever repressed shit they get up to in Tevinter."

"That is exactly it," Lucas said, nodding. "How about it?"

"Well, I did spend literal weeks being crushed by your unresolved sexual tension and commiserating with Bull and Sera about how painful it is to watch two idiots in love not do anything about it."

"Hey, I will have you know that I was doing plenty about it! I literally flirted with him every time I even looked at him. I was getting really really unsubtle at the end because until I outright said 'I have had sex with men before' he didn't seem sure that I actually was trying to flirt and have it go somewhere. And I am not that bad at flirting! Oh, but that was awkward. Like, that was probably the worst possible time to make myself clear but I guess it worked?"

"You could have always made the first move," Varric said.

"I made the first five hundred moves! But you try kissing someone who is not only significantly taller than you and so really has to come meet you halfway but who responds to 'you are the most gorgeous person I have ever seen' with 'I am, aren't I?'"

"What can you do? Repressed Tevinter bullshit," Varric said sagely.

"The worst part is how right you are," Lucas said, groaning. "And we were not in love yet, by the way."

Varric looked skeptically at him.

"Okay, fine, so I was pretty much in love before he even joined the Inquisition. And from what I've gathered he'd been trying not to fall in love with me for some time and it wasn't going very well. But that doesn't mean we were in love!"

"It kind of does. And it's not a bad thing. Especially since you stopped waiting around and did something about it," Varric said. "So why not? I will create fabulous and entertaining male characters that will fall in love in all of my serialized work. I can't promise they'll all have the spotlight but they'll definitely make the audience despair that they could never be as happy as these two."

"Making Dorian despair because we could never be as happy as your characters," Lucas said. "That does sound like a plan."

"Are you planning on telling him?" Varric asked.

"Oh, no," Lucas said, laughing. "He'd just make fun of me. I'm instead going to wait until Cassandra reads it and then just happens to leave it out where Dorian can find it, as she always does, and he just happens to have nothing better to do than flip through it, as he always does, and he'll be surprised by an actual example."

"One of the couples will be a thinly-veiled expy of you and Dorian," Varric said.

"As long as we are both fabulous and entertaining and got our promised happy ending," Lucas said.

"Do I write any other kind of characters?" Varric demanded.

"Well, happy endings are a bit of a toss-up but other than that, there is a reason I've read all your stuff." Lucas smiled at him. "Thank you so much for doing this for me, Varric. It means a lot."

"I know, Inquisitor. I know. And for what it's worth I think it's really good of you. But hey," he said, grinning, "between this and what you did for Cassandra I want you to know that you're in serious danger of being hired for to be my publisher."

"Sounds good," Lucas said. "I'll need to find something to do once this whole kill Corypheus thing is finally over. Hey, do you think I can still do it from Tevinter?"