Rain On My Moonlit Desire

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

It was all a lie. That's why I had to do it. That's why I had to break up with her. What I told her about myself so long ago was true. She wanted me so bad, and I just thought that if I tried to be with her, I could change. But I was wrong. Dead wrong.

I first suspected I might be gay when I was in grade seven. It was an awkward time in my life. I was still changing; still growing. When I noticed a particular grade eight, I felt a weird thing happen in my pants. I can't explain it. Let's face it; I don't feel comfortable spilling the gruesome details.

Let's just say I was very pleased. But at the same time, I thought something was wrong with me. My parents never brought the subject up at any time in my life, so I thought I was sick, or diseased. So I shut off all feelings and thoughts towards guys and focused on the girls. Don't get me wrong; I loved girls. They were really good friends. But I needed something more.

As all my doubts and fears
Begin to disappear
I am stronger than before
I just need something more

I kept my emotions bottled up far too long. So a little after I started grade eleven, (four years after I knew) I broke up with my girlfriend. I couldn't bear to tell her why; I thought it might make her think she made me this way. But she didn't. She cared about me for so long, but I just couldn't satisfy her needs. And she couldn't satisfy mine.

Marco Del Rossi is the hottest guy in the entire school. Well, in my opinion he is. And he's available. I longed for his attention, but wasn't sure how to get it. Do I just walk up and talk to him? Or do I wait for him to come to me? I was always confident with girls; I guess because I knew deep down that it wasn't what I wanted. That I was using them to hide my true self. Well, I'm ready to be found. At the risk of sounding queer, come and seek me Marco!

The only problem was; Marco wasn't seeking. And I was still hiding. It was the little game we both played; without really noticing that we were playing at all. I would have asked my friends for help, but I was afraid of being rejected by them. I even thought Toby might disown me; even though we all know that he isn't the most popular guy around. I didn't want them to be ashamed of me.

So, after breaking up with Liberty, I still waited in the dark. I waited for someone to find me; anyone at all. Anyone who could help me make sense of this. I realized after a long time that the only person who really would be able to make sense of it all was him. Marco. So I just walked up to him one day. I felt very bold; but at the same time, very scared.

I'm all mixed up, confused
I don't know what to do
'Cause I want to, I'd love to
If I knew you'd want me too

"Hey Marco," I said as I approached his locker. This was the perfect time. None of his friends or my friends were around.

"Hey JT, um, what's up?" he asked. I could tell that he wasn't sure why I was talking to him. I hadn't really talked to him at all. Ever. I wiped my sweaty palms off on my jeans and shoved them into the pockets, trying to look casual. It wasn't working at all.

"I was wondering if I could talk to you," I said. He must think I'm some kind of stalker or something.

"Yeah, you can talk, I'm right here," he replied. He shoved the rest of his books into his locker and shut it. His hands were beautiful. They were more than beautiful, they were…snap out of it! Okay, okay, now he's looking at me strange.

"I meant, sort of, uh, in private. Like maybe this weekend or something?" I asked. He must have felt sorry for me because I was making myself look like an idiot.

"Sure. You can come over my house on Saturday I guess," he said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Great!" Too excited. I tried to look less happy, but it didn't really work. I can't imagine the kind of faces I was making. Marco must have thought I was a complete and total loser. "Uh, what time?"

"Around two is good," he replied, tossing his backpack onto his right shoulder. "Do you know where I live?" he asked.

"No…I guess I forgot about that."

"That's fine. Here, I'll write it down." I handed him my notebook and he quickly jotted his address and phone number down. "I gotta get to class," he said, handing the notebook back to me. He used my pen. And wrote in my notebook. Now I was getting somewhere. Man, I'm so desperate. No, I'm not really. This is just the only thing that I ever really wanted. My only desire.

"Thanks. I'll see you on Saturday." I watched him walk away. He had a really nice butt. His jeans were tight in just the right places, but not feminine looking. The thought of Marco's butt made me excited for Saturday. But it was two days away. And why am I thinking about this now? He might not even like me.

"Are you checking out Marco's butt?" I heard a familiar voice ask. I spun around and found myself face to face with Manny Santos.

"No! Are you kidding me?" I lied. She's got the biggest mouth out of anyone at DCS. If there was one person I couldn't tell my secret to; it was her.

"Then what were you looking at?" she asked.

"I was spacing out a bit. What does it matter anyway?" I asked. "We're both late to class." We walked to Media Immersions in silence. I was afraid that if I spoke any more, I'd spill all my thoughts to her. So I pretended that I didn't have anything to say.

My mind is racing,
And my feet are moving slow
Look all around me
Don't see anything I know
I'd like to answer you
But I can't clarify
If I'm 100 miles ahead
Or 100 miles behind

I paced in front of my mirror. I didn't know what to wear. Does it really matter? This isn't a date; I just asked him to talk to me. I was hoping for advice or something. But really, I was hoping for a bit more than that. A million possibilities ran through my head over the past two days. Well, not really possibilities; more along the line of fantasies. Yep, guys have fantasies too.

One of them involved me jumping on Marco, declaring my love, and then making out with him until the sun went down. Yeah, that one was lame. Another involved something along the lines of him confessing his feelings for me, then me jumping on him, and making out with him, both of us cradled in silver moonlight. Okay, I'm not very creative in my fantasies, but it is my head.

I looked over at the clock. 1:37! I didn't realize it was this late. I had been planning on leaving at ten of two, giving myself plenty of time to walk over to Marco's. Providing I could find the street. I had a good idea of where it was, but I couldn't take the risk of being late. I flipped through my closet, and finally picked dark baggy blue jeans and a black t-shirt. It's not like Marco will care what I wear. Will he?

I quickly threw my clothes on and headed out the door. No one would even notice I had left; I wanted to keep it that way. No questions would be asked; no answers told. Walking to his house was nerve-wracking. I didn't even know what I was going to say. If gaining the courage to ask to talk to him took me so long, how long would it take for me to actually talk?

My thoughts came to an abrupt halt the moment I saw the house. This is it. Marco's house. I briefly considered leaving, walking back home, and telling him I forgot, but that wasn't possible. Because he was looking out the window, right at me. I waved to him and he opened the door. This is it.

Marco let me in, introduced me to both of his parents as 'a friend from school,' and brought me up to his bedroom. His bedroom! Okay, stop freaking out. I can't help it. I'm in Marco Del Rossi's bedroom. It's just like I pictured it. Yeah, I pictured it. Who else's bed would we be on when we made out? I realized Marco was staring at me funny.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" he asked, sitting beside me on his bed. He was so close that I could move a fraction of an inch and touch him. I resisted the strong urge to grasp his hand. I take that back; actually, I resisted the urge to jump him.

"I, uh, wanted to ask you something…" I stared off into space, past Marco's head. One of those damn fantasies was fighting its way into my head.

"So…ask," he said, as if it were the simplest thing in the world. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I thought it might burst right through. I shook off that thought, and turned toward Marco.

"How…um…how did you know…that you were…gay?" I finally spit it out. And Marco smiled. He really did. Either he thought my hesitation was cute, or he thought I was joking. Hopefully the former rather than the latter.

"It's kind of hard to explain. I guess I just knew. I wasn't attracted to girls. And I felt something different for guys. Why? Do you think you're…?" I interrupted him before he could finish.

"No! Yes! I don't know," I groaned, holding my head in my hands.

"How long have you…suspected it?" he asked me.

"Since grade seven…"

"Well, then, you probably are," he announced. I fell back onto his bed, covering my eyes. "What's wrong?" Marco asked, lying back next to me. Oh. My. God. I wanted to roll over and kiss him, but I stopped myself.

If you're getting any closer then I'm gonna have to scream

"This is all so new to me. I just don't know what to do. And I was sorta hoping you could help me…"

"Of course I'll help you find a guy!" he yelled. "I'd love to. It would be so fun." My face fell a bit, but luckily for me, he didn't notice. I was hoping he'd be that guy.

"Thanks!" I tried to sound as enthusiastic as I could.

"Listen, tomorrow night, there's a party. You can come over in the afternoon, I'll give you some tips, get you ready, then we'll go. How does that sound?" he asked.

"Great. I'll see you tomorrow, around…"

"Same time," Marco informed me.

"Okay, around two then." He walked me out, patting me on the shoulder before I left. I don't ever want to wash that shoulder again. Wow, now I sound like a girl.

I was back at Marco's the next day. He gave me all kinds of tips: look sexy, but not desperate, take it slow, talk with a few different people before I decide who I want to talk alone with, etc. I already knew who I wanted to be alone with. But he didn't.

He gave me one of his own outfits to wear. Straight, dark jeans, and a midnight blue button down, long sleeved shirt. I got dressed right in front of him and thought I was going to die. I was always insecure about…myself. Marco made me leave the top button undone. I couldn't believe it; I was wearing his clothes!

And to top it all off, he dressed right in front of me. When he stood there in his boxers, I wanted to rip them off, knock him onto his bed, and make out with him. Although it would be strange if he was completely naked and I was fully clothed. Maybe I should take my clothes off... I actually reached up to unbutton my shirt some more before I stopped myself. By the time my little daydream was over, Marco was standing in front of me with all his clothes on. And he looked sexy.

He was wearing the same jeans from the hallway that day. The day that I gained the courage to speak to him. He also had on a white t-shirt, with a black shirt over it like the one I had on, but it was left unbuttoned. Hey, it'd be easier to take off without having to worry about all those buttons. But it would be fun to rip it off, sending the buttons flying. Okay, snap out of it! I realized that Marco was ready to go. He was waiting for me by the door.

Marco drove us to the party. I was sitting next to him, wringing my hands together the entire time. I was so incredibly nervous. More nervous than I had ever been in my life. What if these guys don't accept me? Okay no more what ifs! I have to be in control. I looked over at Marco. He always looked great, no matter what he was doing. But I don't. Because if I did, he'd want me. I slunk down in my seat, hoping no one would see me. I wasn't worthy to be driving around with Marco Del Rossi, the sex god of Degrassi Community School.

Shed some light on me
And hold me up in disbelief
And shed some light on me
And tell me something that I'll believe in

"We're here!" Marco announced happily. I groaned and didn't move. "Come on JT, you have to at least try!" he begged, pulling on my arm. He touched me! Marco touched me! Wow, I'm pathetic. But hey, it did motivate me to actually get out of the car.

I let Marco lead me into the party, and followed him around for a bit. He introduced me to a bunch of guys, but I just kept on following him.

"Okay, the next time I introduce you to someone, I want you to stay with him okay? You're not going to meet anyone new unless you actually stay and talk to him for more than two seconds."

"Is this just some big gay party?" I asked. I know I sounded a little insensitive. But I didn't mean to. It just came out.

"Where else did you think I would take you?" he asked. He looked confused. "You did tell me that you think you're gay, right?"

"Yes. Sorry. I'll try to stay with the next guy, it's just…" but as soon as Marco heard me say I'd try, he found someone for me.

"Hey Trent, this is my friend JT. JT, meet Trent," he said. We shook hands and Marco ran off. I can't believe he just left me alone with this guy. Well, Trent was pretty cute. He had shaggy brown hair and unbelievably deep blue eyes. I smiled at him and he laughed. I think he was drunk. And he wasn't Marco. I know I sound like a loser, pining over someone who I've never even gotten to know. But it just feels right around him.

"So…" I said, looking around. "Great party."

"Nah, it's kinda boring," he said. "Listen, you wanna go somewhere a little more private?" What? Don't tell me this guy wants to have sex after less than a minute of speaking.

"Uh, I think I'd rather stay down here if that's okay with you," I said.

"Well, can we speed this up a bit? I'm getting overly horny with a house full of guys at my disposal," Trent said in an annoyed voice.

"What?" Is this guy serious? What is wrong with him?

"Don't tell me it'll be your first time with a guy. Oh man, I don't deal well with virgins," he groaned.

"I do not want to have sex with you!" I yelled. All of the people around us were staring.

"Then why am I wasting my time here?" he made a face at me. "Hey Blake, wait up!" he called after some guy that walked by us. He ran off after Blake, ready for some action. Oh gross. Some random guy wants to have sex with me? Come on. I'm not a man whore and I refuse to be one. I think Marco made a mistake bringing me here. I saw him sitting on a nearby couch, talking to a few guys.

"I'm leaving!" I shouted and stormed off. I quickly left the house, slamming the door shut, leaving the blaring music and horny men behind. I didn't know where to go, so I just started walking. I heard the door open and shut behind me, but I just kept going.

"JT, wait!" It was Marco. I couldn't leave him behind. I stopped in my tracks and waited for him to catch up to me. "What happened?" he asked. I started walking again and he walked alongside me.

"This is not my thing," I said.

"But I thought you wanted to meet some guys and…" I cut him off before he could finish.

"Well, you were wrong. I just…I gotta go," I said, turning away.

"No, don't go. I know what you need. Come on," he grabbed my hand and dragged me off. I followed, unsure of where we were going.

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

It turns out that Marco was taking me to the park. The park? What were we supposed to do there? I watched as Marco lay down on his back in the grass.

"Come on," he patted the ground next to him, inviting me. In two seconds flat, I found myself on the ground with him, looking up at the stars. "Aren't they beautiful?" he asked me. We were so close that his whisper tickled my ear. It made me remember how much I wanted him.

"Yeah," I sighed. Lying there in the grass was one of the best moments of my life. And I got to share it with Marco. As we silently looked at the stars, I felt Marco's hand clasp around mine. I nearly died. Turning my head to look over at him, I noticed that he was already looking at me. He smiled, then I smiled.

I know what I feel and you feel it too
I dream of the first kiss and who'll make the first move
Who's gonna put their heart on the line
It could be me
It could be you, tonight

As our heads drew closer, my heart began beating faster. I could feel it threatening to burst out of my chest again, and only hoped that Marco couldn't hear it. We were inches apart. Then centimeters. Then we were so close that it was about to happen. Maybe a tenth of a centimeter. And then…Marco's cell phone rang.

"Shit," he muttered. He turned away and sat up, fishing his phone out of his pocket. I let my head fall back to the ground and continued to look up at the dark sky. We were so close. It almost happened. "I'm kinda busy Ellie," I heard Marco say into the phone. I can't believe this is happening to me.

"It's okay, really," I said, interrupting his conversation. He wasn't even listening to me. I turned and noticed that he was far away from me, over near the swing set. He was talking to Ellie in a hushed voice, obviously not wanting me to hear. He was probably going to leave, to be with her. They are best friends I guess. Sighing once again, I got up and started to walk away. It seemed like I'd been doing that a lot lately.

"JT, wait!" Not like I haven't heard that before. "Look, I'm sorry. Ellie needs me," he said. He grabbed my arm and I turned around, looking into his eyes.

"It's okay, really. I don't mind. I'll walk," I told him, trying to hide my disappointment.

"No. I'll give you a ride home." I didn't protest; I simply followed him. I guess I'll have to get used to following Marco around. He wouldn't want someone like me. Maybe at least he'd let me become one of his close friends.

We walked back to the party in silence, got in Marco's car, and drove without saying a word. I leaned my head against the window, staring up at the stars. If only we'd had one more split second. Yeah, if only.

If only love could find us all
If only hearts didn't have to fall
We can't mislead to make things right
So instead we'll sleep alone tonight

The rain started to fall when we were almost to my house. I just wanted this silent ride to end. When we finally got there, I noticed that no one was home. My parents must have gone out. They probably didn't care if I was there or not. I got out of the car and realized that Marco had gotten out too, walking me to my door. It's not like we had a date or anything. Why must he torture me this way?

"Thanks Marco," I said sincerely. I did have a good time with him, even if it didn't end the way I wanted it to. I turned around to walk inside, but he grabbed my arm. Pulling me to face him, he looked into my eyes. "I…" I trailed off. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. The rain was soaking us both. If this is what torture felt like, then I liked it.

Marco leaned forward and his lips met mine. As we kissed, I drank the raindrops from his lips. His tongue reached out, looking for somewhere to go. I opened my mouth and let it in, our tongues meeting with grace. Marco's arm went behind my back and he pulled me closer to him. My hand traveled up behind his head, pushing him closer to me. When we finally broke apart to take a breath, we looked into each other's eyes once again. The rain was still falling. We were surrounded by moonlight and raindrops.

There was no way to accurately describe the kiss. The words that come to mind are passion, longing, love. It was something I'd never felt before. And it was completely right.

"Can I come in?" Marco asked.

"What about Ellie?"

"She can wait."

And now our shades become shadows in your light
In the morning wind we're through and tomorrow rescues you
I will say goodnight.

A/N: Please, if you've just read this: review! Okay, I knew I wanted this to be a song fic, but it was so hard to just pick one song. So I had an idea to put a bunch of pieces of songs in it. Every piece of italic writing is lyrics. The people who sing/write the songs own them all…I don't own any of them. I also don't own Degrassi or any of its characters. If you want to know any of the lyrics, you can review about them and leave your email address in there so I can actually answer you. This took me a few days to write… I hope you liked it! And tell people about it!