A/N: Loosely follows season 3, probably around 3.07-3.09. Originally posted on MTC.
-x-x-x-x-
She could not remember the last time she sat in silence to bite her finger nails. It was not something in her behavioral repertoire—not since childhood, not before Burke entered her life. Yet, that was the only thing she was now capable of doing without breaking down.
How was she feeling? She doubted if she was the best person to respond to that question.
Confused? Yes, that would be the word.
About what? Probably her relationship with Burke? Probably what the future held? Or perhaps, it was that bigger, forever vague question that everyone had gone through at certain points in their humble existence on earth: what was the meaning of her life?
For almost 3 decades, Cristina Yang thought she had the answer. She had always been working towards her goal as a surgeon—not because she could save lives, not because of the money and power it could bring, but merely because she knew it was her calling. But was it really the case? Why was she so sure about it in the first place?
Self-doubt wasn't her expertise, but recently it was beginning to take over her life. Her world was about the crumble. She wasn't sure if she was on the right track anymore, or if she had ever been on one. All she knew was that the sky was falling and she was sinking.
What was going on? Why did everything seem so wrong? She wasn't the happiest person in the world to begin with, but the darkness of the heart had become too heavy to bear. Her throat was tight and she could hear her unsteady breathing. Her heart was racing one minute and almost ceased to bump during the next.
Thank goodness there wasn't any nail polish on her fingers.