Title – The Musings of Mara Jade

Author – Brandon

Disclaimer – I don't own them, etc. Flannel god, etc. I don't have any money so wouldn't do to sue.

Summery – Okay, the other day as I was waking up the first line or something like it popped in to my fron. Since it wouldn't go away I had to write it down. It's entirely my muse's fault. Mara is talking to us as an audience, like on stage. Strange yes I know, but if you don't like it let me know. Flames warm me up…I like it hot. I do honestly want to know what you think of it so I can hopefully improve my writings. So basically Mara Jade is musing to herself and to us as the us audience.

Timeline/Spoiler – It's AU slightly. All you need to know is who are Mara Jade, Luke Skywalker, and Callista forgotten last name. And that Callista broke up, with Luke and left.

I'm Mara Jade, and I'm ashamed of myself.

I love a man, who, well…I know he loves me back. I'm just not sure if he knows he loves me back. It wouldn't be a problem but up until just recently he was with another woman. Now I know that may sound bad. But that's not even the half of it. It gets better though. It didn't start out so bad; they were going to break up. In fact, she was on the verge of leaving; you know, bags packed and at the door, letter in an easy to see place, kind of leaving. How do I know all this? Because one night she hunted me down, and in a drunken stupor told me all about it. Now you might be thinking, 'great she can gossip, and get the goods.' The only problem is I don't do gossip. I have spent the first half of my life being feared, or talked about behind my back. I know because I have very good ears, and spies. The last half I've so far still been feared, but only because of my past, and pitied. I'm not sure which I hate worse.

Now you're most likely asking why I would be ashamed. It doesn't sound like something I'd be ashamed of. After all, I haven't done anything wrong. Well, your just going to have patience, "like good little Jedi," at least that what he says. I'm getting there. Anyway on with the story… the reason she can't leave is because she had gone to the doctor for a check up after feeling a little under the weather. Boy was she surprised to find that she was pregnant. She didn't even know they could conceive. Turns out his little swimmers are as determined as he is. He, of course, was overjoyed. But he was unaware of that fact that she was heading out the door. Its not that she was unhappy with him, it's just she had lost something that had been a part of her life, her entire life. So they try to make a-go at the normal (who knows what normal is? Not him) family life. I didn't hang around much. I wasn't too keen on seeing the oh-so-happy couple. But when I did I could see the strain she was having; and him being the oblivious male he is, couldn't or wouldn't see it. But he has surprised me at times. He can be intuitive enough to be a woman, well…almost.

You're most likely thinking, still not seeing where you would need to be ashamed, and you would be right. So the pregnancy is progressing along and I don't see any major troubles other than him not being able to see beyond the tip of his nose when it comes to woman problem. I may be just a little bit bitter; after all, I loved him long before she showed up. Now I can't really say much. I don't shout it out, but come on; I am his best friend even old Palpy knew that your best friend makes the best spouse. I never spelled it out to him though. See? No reason to be bitter…right?

Just when I'm thinking nothing major is wrong, I turn out to be wrong. One night I'm sitting at home, all alone, (been doing that lot lately) when my door bell rings. I'm not sure who's there, but I can't feel any danger. In fact, I can't feel much of anything, which means it's either a droid or someone with a phenomenal control of their force abilities. Hoping, for the latter, but figuring for the former, I think, 'the latter should be at his home, smothering he's slowly mind-losing bride-to-be.' (Him being the old fashion gentlemanly man he is, and she having come from a time when it was expected…they are going to be married. But they decided to wait until after the child is born.) So I walk to the door and open it. Low and behold, there in all his glory (dark gloomy glory). Since he wasn't looking so good, I invited him in. I looked around and reached out with my force senses; it wouldn't be good if the Holo Press saw him leave his pregnant girlfriend to go visit a female friend. Just because I don't care about people gossiping about me doesn't mean I want others to use me against him. I do love him after all. When I asked what had made him come over in the middle of the evening to visit he tried to use the old "can't a friend visit another friend without a reason?" shtick. But ended up giving in to my raised eyebrow. Nice to see it still works.

He then told me about how the pregnancy is very high risk, and how he knows that she was going to leave before she found out about it. Which led to his inevitable question, "what's wrong with me, and why can't I keep a relationship?" That's one of the main reasons I don't like her, which now that I think about it is kind of stupid because I couldn't be with him if she still was. But to think that she could give up a perfect man was unfathomable. He said the reason that he told me all this is because lately I've been avoiding him, and that he misses me. I would have cried had I not had the level of control over my emotions that I do. As it stands, I was able to keep my shields up to avoid him catching on to the slight shift in my emotional state. Not that he would have noticed much. Poor guy really does try so hard to be everything to everyone. He just can't keep her happy because the one thing that defines his life more then their family is the one thing she had taken away from her. Being around him is slowly killing her. Not physically, but inside.

He then went back home, but not before saying that while he wants a family he would have preferred it to be with someone else. Someone that he'd wanted a relationship with for quite some time now. I know he didn't say it was me but the only other woman he knows besides me is his sister, and even he's not that strange.

So that was about month six, so I try to be around more for his sake. And I know his sister has spent as much time with Callista to keep her company, because…well, lets just say that too much of him is NOT a good thing. I love him but even I have my limits. Anyway, I could tell he was trying to take the pressure off of her by being at her every beck and call. It was driving both him and his sister crazy. I know I shouldn't speak ill but, I haven't got this much light saber practice from both of them for, well, ever. He kept saying it was to keep our skill levels up, but we both know it's to relieve the stress. At least his sister was honest about it. She said she needed to relieve the stress. She could have blamed it on her job; she is after all a high ranking government employee. But I know she only wants to practice after meeting with them, or just her.

So month nine finally came around and everyone is more then ready for the birth. She had spent the last two weeks confined to the bed, driving him even more nuts. The week before the due date, her water broke. He was about to break, I could tell. Sometimes the force bond thing really sucks. Such as when they were…uhm, conceiving the child, I had to put up my strongest shields. Even then, by the time they were done, I was feeling very happy. Lets leave it at that.

So anyway her water broke, and he, like any other male, was running around panicking. Again with the force bond…it has a way of making itself, therefore his emotions, known. In this case at the absolute wrong time; I was doing some maintenance on my beloved ship Jade's Fire, when his panic washed over me, and I ended up breaking a delicate piece of equipment for my hyperdrive engine. He calmed down by the time they got to the med center.

That's when the really bad news started…the baby wasn't turned the right way, and Callista was fading fast. I and his sister could feel all his emotions through the force as we made our way to the med center. By the time we got there it was too late. Callista had died during the difficult birth, but their daughter was alive and doing fine. Thank God for small favors. Sarah Callista Skywalker was born as her mother died. Her father just went into shock, not that it wasn't to be expected. His sister took care of him while I did what little preparations I could for Callista's body. Then I went to see little Sarah myself. My God she is such a beautiful baby. That's when it hit me. I am very sorry to see Callista die, I really didn't want that. I may not have liked her but I didn't hate her. Despite all that, I am glad that Luke is still alive has a daughter. I still hope one day I can be part of her life.

I returned to my apartment to meditate using soft music when I sensed him coming to my apartment. I used the force to open the door and let him in. He still had on the same clothes from earlier. At least there is no blood on him. Wow, that was a morbid and odd thought. His aura still reeked of the depression that was on him before. I also sensed something that felt like shame or maybe guilt, not sure which, maybe both. Hell it could be my feelings imposed on him. He told me that he and Leia and finished the arrangements for Callista, and he had spent some time with his new daughter.

Now that he needed to start healing his soul, he found himself coming here. I couldn't keep the way that made me feel from leaking through. With all the emotional ups and downs I'd been having from other sensitive forces being around me, my walls were kind of weakened. That's why I was trying to meditate. Evidently I didn't get them as strong as I would've liked. But no matter, now I needed to help the man I love. I held him as he cried. I rocked him and told him it would be alright, and that he had a lot of people who love him. He cried for an hour or so, during which time that damned bond grew stronger. I knew he was feeling guilty. I called him on it, thinking that he was blaming himself for Callista's death. He surprised me again by saying that over the course of the last nine months he'd realized that while he did love Callista, he hadn't been in-love with her. He unconsciously tightened his arms and his bond with me in the force, maybe thinking I would reject him. Something that even if I didn't love him I wouldn't be able to do. I just let him hold me and take comfort in my strength. It was very humbling to think that I was the one he'd sought comfort in. He stayed most of the night and slept like a baby. I could tell it was the first real night's sleep he'd had in along time. When he was well and truly asleep I, using the force, moved him to my couch and covered him with a blanket. Then I got ready for bed and moved a chair over near him and watched him sleep for a while until I drifted off to sleep.

The next morning I awoke, covered up, in my bed. I didn't know how I'd gotten there until I saw a note that Luke had left. He said that when he had woke up this morning he moved me to my bed and then left. He thanked me for being there, not being mad. And said he hoped for a continued friendship. Oh if he only knew. I reached out to him with the force…he was happy at the med center, holding his daughter. He must not have felt me because the last thing I heard him say before I cut the connection was that he wondered what mine and his children would look like.

I'm well aware of the fact that we can't be together right now, he needs to grieve. But I do have hope, and, for now that's enough. With the help of a few light saber practices.

The End