Chapter One
It was a lazy day in the TARDIS. The Doctor and Rose had just gotten back from a hiking expedition atop Mount Monomono in the Red Dragon galaxy. Rose was exhausted and sore from the climb up the imposing mountain, but it had been worth it to reach the top and sit beside the man she loved while they watched the rising of the twin suns. At the moment though she was content to just sit on the sofa, watch TV and eat her digestive biscuits and chocolate milk.
While she was eating she suddenly became aware of a soft swish, swish, swish coming from somewhere out in the hallway. She stopped eating and listened to the swish, swish, swish wondering what was making it. She got her answer when the Doctor entered twirling a large pink hula-hoop around his arm. The swish sound came from a small ball inside the hollow hula-hoop that went around and around inside it as he continued to spin it around his forearm. He stopped by the sofa and spun the hula-hoop around and around with a pleased look on his face.
"Brilliant, eh?" he said, stopping and grabbing it in his hand. "Hula-hoop, one of humankind's greatest inventions."
"Yeah, I had a friend that had one when she was about six and she was a girl," Rose teased.
The Doctor was incensed.
"Hula-hoops are for boys too," he said.
"Little boys, maybe," Rose replied.
"Nah, takes a great deal of skill to master this. Watch."
He put the hoop around his midsection, spun it and gyrated his hips. Rose watched, impressed, as he kept the hoop moving while they listened to the swish, swish, swish.
"Wow, Doctor, that's pretty good," Rose had to admit.
The Doctor raised his eyebrow.
"Pretty good?" he said as he kept the hoop going. "Pretty good! Look at me. I'm still keeping it in motion! I believe this warrants more than a pretty good from you, Rose."
"Okay, Doctor, you're an expert," Rose said, wanting to get back to her show.
"Yes, I am. There's only one problem though."
"Yeah?"
He tried to walk while keeping the hula-hoop in motion and sighed when the toy clattered to the floor.
"That! You can't walk and hula-hoop at the same time!" he said, angrily. "Well, I can't anyway."
"Why would you wanna walk and hula-hoop anyway?" Rose asked.
"Because, Rose, this is great exercise for your midsection. All this gyrating helps keep you slim and trim and because I love the pleasing sound the ball makes as it goes around the hoop."
"I don't, I think it's annoying."
"Yes, well, you would, wouldn't you?" the Doctor sniffed.
Before Rose could reply, the Doctor picked up the hoop and carried it back out of the room. Rose watched him go before turning her attention back to the TV screen.
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Three hours later, the digestive biscuits and milk were gone and Rose was lying on the sofa fast asleep. While she dozed she dreamt she and the Doctor were sitting together in a field on a red and white checkered blanket. Beside them was a wicker picnic basket and between them was a sumptuous picnic feast. It was a beautiful sunny day. The green grass around them blew gently in the breeze and in the distance a herd of sheep ate the grass and frolicked in a cartoon-like way. The Doctor picked up an elegant gold and crystal goblet filled with red wine and took a sip, drinking the wine while at the same time he drank in Rose with his eyes. Meanwhile Rose was mesmerized by his deep brown eyes, tousled brown hair that blew this way and that in the breeze and the massive hunk of man meat that threatened to split his pin-striped primly pressed pants. Rose had never seen the man meat in person but she longed to touch it and fondle it and make the owner of the man meat yell with orgasmic delight. But she could not, he was an ancient Time Lord and she was a simple shop girl, how could she ever hope to win his hearts?
"Rose," the Doctor said, setting his ornate goblet down on the blanket. "I've been thinking. I'm an ancient Time Lord and you're a simple shop girl, how can you ever hope to win my hearts?"
Rose's mouth dropped open. She'd just thought that very same thing not three seconds ago and here he was echoing it back to her almost word for word.
"You were just thinking that and I echoed it back to you almost word for word, didn't I? the Doctor said with his usual brilliant insight. "You see, we need no words. We know each other that well."
"Maybe it was the wine making her tipsy but she could have sworn the Doctor was leaning in towards her with a come hither look on his sexy pretty boy face.
"Why fight it, Rose?" he said in a deep sexy tone of voice. "Why must we fight any longer when we both know we belong together."
The Doctor scooted closer to her, kicking over a ceramic gravy boat with his converse covered foot in the process. Brown gravy flowed like a river of liquid poo across the blanket while the Doctor cupped Rose's chin with his hands and forced her to stare into his deep brown eyes. Rose wanted this oh so much, wanted to be his and his alone but she knew that their love was forbidden. For how could an ancient Time Lord and a simple chav shop girl ever hope to make their relationship work, especially since Rose knew she would one day age into a wrinkly old, scabby hag while the Doctor remained young and hot. But at the moment she didn't care about the future and the fact that one day she would grow old and grey and most likely have no teeth and no bladder control and would end up in the retirement home chasing underpaid and overworked nursing aides around while she beat them unmercifully with her cane, all the while screaming out to them that she needed her damn enema again because she was constipated from the moldy, disgusting slop they fed to everyone at six in the morning. No, she pushed that thought out of her mind because she wanted the Doctor and she wanted him now.
Slowly, Rose moved closer towards the Doctor and he did the same with her. Their eyes locked on to one another as they completely ignored the congealed brown mess that stained the Doctor's nice red and white checkered blanket. Tomorrow the Doctor would have to take it to a dry cleaner and get it tended to but for now their love was all that mattered. Slowly, inch by inch, millimeter by millimeter, their lips came closer and closer, threatening to break the unspoken Curse of the Time Lords barrier between them. Then just as their moistened lips were about to touch, they heard an ominous swish, swish, swish. To Rose's great consternation the Doctor immediately pulled away to play Sherlock Holmes while Rose sat, stared at the gravy stain and mumbled about his damn need to investigate every little thing. The Doctor, his senses as acute as a hound dog amped on speed, jerked his head around, looking hither and thither for the source of the aforementioned ominous swish, swish, swish.
"ROOOOOOOOSE!"
Both of them froze when they heard a deep, ominous voice calling out Rose's name. Then there was a BOOM and the ground shook. The Doctor looked at Rose with wide child-like eyes.
"Did you hear that? There was a huge boom and the ground shook," Captain Obvious said.
Rose was about to let out a duh when another BOOM shook the ground causing the congealed gravy to inch a bit more down the nice red and white checkered blanket.
"I don't think we're alone," Captain Obvious said as the ground shook again with the thunderous BOOM.
"ROOOOOOOOOOOSE!"
Suddenly, they shrieked when a gargantuan demon's head appeared on the horizon. Then the demon's neck appeared then the chest and finally the midsection and to their great shock they saw a gargantuan pink hula-hoop spinning around him as he gyrated. The demon continued to stomp towards them as the swish, swish, swish accompanied him.
"ROOOOOOOOOOOOSE!" the demon thundered. "WAKE UP, I GOTTA SHOW YA SOMETHING!"
"Doctor, what do we do?" Rose said, hoping her lover would think of a solution to their ponderous problem.
The Doctor stared at her with wide eyes and shrugged as he muttered, "I dunno," to her. By this time, the demon could be fully seen. It was about fifty feet tall, bright yellow with purple polka dots and for some odd reason it had toy bunny ears on its head. It walked and spun the hula-hoop at the same time which greatly impressed the Doctor and he stood there and marveled at the monster's hula-hooping skill while Rose tried to pull the damn fool away towards the TARDIS.
The monster stopped and continued to spin the hula-hoop while he bellowed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ROSE, WAKE UP. I NEED TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING!"
Rose noticed the Doctor was now walking towards the creature, intending to ask him how you walk and hula-hoop at the same time. She was about to bring her fist down on his head and knock him out so they could get away when suddenly water fell onto her face from somewhere up above.
Rose sputtered and coughed and woke up to find her face, neck and the front of her chest was all wet.
"There you are," the Doctor said as he stood behind her. "Sorry about the water on the face but I've been standing here for five minutes trying to wake you up and you wouldn't do it."
Rose quickly sat back up intending to throttle the Doctor. She groaned when she finished sitting up and noticed he was still spinning the hula-hoop. She was about to ask him to stop when she noticed the hoop was moving around and around without him gyrating his hips. The Doctor noticed her astonishment and smirked as he pointed to it.
"Lookie, Rose, I've solved the problem of how to walk and hula-hoop at the same time," he said proudly.
As the hoop spun around him, Rose noticed a large brown box and a smaller grey box were attached to the outside of the hoop.
"I attached a few devices," the Doctor said proudly. "One is an antigravity unit and I adjusted it so the hoop floats at exactly my mid-section. I also installed a motor and a gyroscopic chromameter to make the hoop perpetually spin by itself. Now the hoop constantly spins around me whether I'm sitting, standing or walking. Isn't that brilliant? I have improved the magnificence of the hula-hoop. Now I need to go back in time to the 1950's and interest the inventor with this improvement and…Rose?"
He ceased his gabbling when he noticed that Rose had gone back to sleep and was now snoring softly. The Doctor sighed and rolled his eyes.
"Humans, they don't appreciate genius when they see it," he muttered.
Shaking his head, he turned and walked out the door listening to the pleasing swish, swish, swish as he went.